Sexual orientation and traumas -- a place to share your struggle with sexuality

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Freida

MyPTSD Pro
@littleoc This is an amazing thread!

I'm hetrosexual but I wanted to stop by and tell you all how amazing you are. Quite frankly I don't get the issue about who loves who and how they have sex. I don't ask my straight friends those questions - why would I ask my gay ones? Ditto the question of if they thought they were born that way -- - Why does it matter? You are who you are. And that's good enough for me.

Your strength and resiliency in facing not only the abuses from the past but the day to day crap you get is amazing. I am honored to know all of you....
 

bing25

New Here
Great thread. I never really thought about it. When I was little I didnt really think about things. I guess I first started realizing I was more interested in women when in HS - around the same time as my abuse started at the hands of my step-father.
My bio-dad left my mom while she was preg with me for a man - so there's my bio link.
It wasnt until later in college that I started to be ok with experimenting and figuring out who I really was - already had a child at that point. Did the whole test the waters bi thing - not to say that there are not legitimate bisexual people, just that is what I did.
Dated a few people ended up with my ex-wife towards the end of college who really helped me to come to terms with a lot of my issues from my abuse- we were together for almost 10 years of which we were married for about 5 or so years I guess - wow just realized I messed up somewhere else saying married for 3 - opps - goes to show when you go with your gut instead of doing the math it's not always right.
I look forward to seeing what all we all have to contribute to this & digging a bit deeper into my own side of this
 
I'm asexual, which I've mentioned in other posts. Thinking about my childhood, it felt confusing: I'd occasionally develop silly crushes/infatuations in elementary and middle school, but then, when I was older, I think I subconsciously had infatuations about one teacher and a few older, male celebrities, due to growing up abused and not having a kind, father-figure. When my abusers would argue or physically harm one another, they'd always angrily tell me that getting married was the worst mistake they'd made in their lives, that I shouldn't do it, etc.

So, I didn't really see the point of dating my peers (like "Why would I want to date my fellow peers who are immature, like myself, when it probably won't last, anyway?" and vice versa; also, a couple of young teens thought I was a lesbian; so, perhaps, others avoided dating me because they assumed I was a lesbian.)

Now, I don't experience any crushes, anymore. I last had one a few years ago, and, once I found out my online crush had a girlfriend, I stopped. I think it's because I've learned, and felt that, it's unhealthy and unrealistic for me to be completely co-dependent on other person, focusing on their lives and feeling the way they live their life is better than mine, while neglecting myself, my own goals, feelings, etc.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
I don't fit within the dominant hegemonic discourses either. I am bisexual. I don't conform to the restrictive gender roles either, but I kind of pass these days, just laying low at the moment. Gay rabbits are going to have a better time of it in America, and you know that makes me happy. I try to grab whatever bit of light and laughter that I can. John Oliver on His Children's Book About VP Pence’s Gay Bunny, Marlon Bundo
 

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
So, I didn't really see the point of dating my peers (like "Why would I want to date my fellow peers who are immature, like myself, when it probably won't last, anyway?" and vice versa; also, a couple of young teens thought I was a lesbian; so, perhaps, others avoided dating me because they assumed I was a lesbian.)

I get this. I heard at a young age that abused kids grow up to marry abusers, and my mom had had three husbands who were just awful. I also got pranked in grade school by kids pretending to ask me out, only to laugh and leave me hanging (kids... they thought it was funny..?). To the point that when a boy asked me out later, I told him I wasn't falling that. Poor kid! But I'm glad we didn't date, anyway :P

But anyway, I understand. And if you don't feel a need to date right now, I wouldn't worry about it right now. :)



@bing25 We look forward to seeing you grow (if you share -- no pressure :P ). That's interesting about your biological father -- I have several gay relatives and have wondered about the genetic relationship. My little brother and older sister are both bisexual, and my twin brother is straight (and has very different views, as well). My mom's sister is gay, but I don't know of any others. My dad frequently claims to be gay or transgendered, but he is clearly not (long, hilarious story), so I suppose I'll just look to my aunt?


@Disco Dancing Queen Passing is good! Luckily, most people don't ask TOO many questions in most circumstances... We should all grab all the light and laughter we can :)
 

Lionheart

MyPTSD Pro
From what I understand about sexuality, we are all on a bell curve that goes from one end of being "straight" to the other of being "gay" and all different degrees of "in-between" that vary throughout our lifetimes.

Having said that my sense of who I was sexually before I was abused was that I am straight. After I was abused I thought I was straight but bi-curious. Later I thought I was definitely gay, and years later still, I came to the conclusion that I was bi-sexual... So I was very confused about my sexuality throughout my life.

I saw a psychiatrist trained in healing adults who suffered sexual child abuse and he helped me to determine that I am predominately straight with bi-sexual tendencies and problems that arose from being abused. He also said I had abuse specific repetition compulsion, which is a process addiction.

Years have gone by and I have kicked the repetition compulsion and stopped acting out my abuse scenarios. Still I felt conflicted about my bi-sexual tendencies....so I had to figure out something.

What works for me is to be with either gender depending on my love life...which is to say if I am in love with a woman I will be true to that woman, ...same for a man. I tend to be predominately straight which is to say all of my healthy, loving, relationships have been with women. However, when it is just a matter of having sex, I am comfortable with either gender.

So I am somewhere along the middle of the bell curve and I am okay with my sexuality and my preferences and what I have come to call the "pendulum swing". (being bi-sexual)

Having said that I maintain that my orientation to sex was abuse and not an attraction or repulsion towards either gender. I hope that makes sense because regardless of which gender I am with, I have to be careful to maintain heathy relationships that are not abusive.

What my trauma taught me is that sex was abusive and that is not and does not have to be true for me...I am not into being abused or abusing others. I enjoy a healthy sexuality with both sexes but in a way that works for me.

So bottom line labels are meant to be fluid, not concrete. A bell curve with many different points of sexuality to be considered as degrees of attraction. I hope my words are conveying what i am trying to say. *(I am not as articulate with this subject as I would like to be).

I hope something that I have shared here helps others because it is definitely not easy to share this stuff.
 

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
What works for me is to be with either gender depending on my love life...which is to say if I am in love with a woman I will be true to that woman, ...same for a man. I tend to be predominately straight which is to say all of my healthy, loving, relationships have been with women. However, when it is just a matter of having sex, I am comfortable with either gender.

So bottom line labels are meant to be fluid, not concrete. A bell curve with many different points of sexuality to be considered as degrees of attraction. I hope my words are conveying what i am trying to say. *(I am not as articulate with this subject as I would like to be).

I like your views here -- it's nice to not have to worry about how to identify yourself IMMEDIATELY, and it's nice to realize that because it's a fluid thing (probably for many of us here), that attractions may change.

It's much easier to accept that you are attacked to one person, then it is to try to figure out the big picture from a small thing -- trying to figure out if you're gay (and why) because of an attraction.

Thank you!
 

Sweetleaf

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I can share some stuff now.

My orientation has fluctuated and changed a lot over the years, I have never really felt sure of it.
Some of it has been denial and obliviousness, some of it has been genuine confusion. I'm actually pretty confused about it now.

I had sexual assault trauma, the most recent being a little over 3 months ago. It was a domestic violence kind of situation. Initially, during those years and afterward, I became pretty asexual, not attracted to either sex and just disinterested in sex. The frustration when forced to do things would build up so much that I would want to cry, but I had to hide it. Sometimes I couldn't hide it. I always just wanted it to end, often exacerbated by physical discomfort and pain. It reinforced my dislike of sex.

I've been having EMDR therapy and it's actually helped me be less distressed by the sexual assault trauma. As I've become less distressed by it, I've started to want intimacy again, though I have no idea which gender I'd prefer it with. I've regained some attraction towards men but I'm also afraid of them, and I've been having a lot of dreams where I'm cuddling and kissing other women. I don't even want sex, just closeness and all that. I think sex acts would still remind me of what happened too much.

I've been involved with other women in the past. None of that was ever traumatic, though my first partner cheated on me with a guy and was just really shitty, it didn't last long. I've always been kind of conflicted about it though - I want to be more normal, I part of me doesn't want to socially go in that direction, really, and doesn't want to be attracted to women, but I feel too afraid of men, and I don't want to be anywhere near a penis to be honest. There are times when I will start feeling attracted to males/penises, but then I think of traumas and it kills the feeling and I just feel gross.

I live in a pretty red state, and I've had a lot of trouble with homophobia in the past, so maybe that's influencing my feelings, I guess I sort of feel unsafe going either way with this. Either direction makes me confront fears.
 

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I can share some stuff now.

My orientation has fluctuated and changed a lot over the yea...
I'm so glad you could share :)

If definitely looks like you're still trying to figure this out for yourself. It's difficult to do, especially with trauma in one hand and homophobia in the other. But just getting it organized in a post like that is helpful.

I've been told that a good relationship doesn't have to have sexual elements if it's not time yet. I've never gotten a relationship that was healthy enough to consider this, but I hope to sometime! I believe it seems true, despite my inexperience.

I like seeing your inner thoughts on how you're figuring this out. I hope it helps you, because I really appreciate what you've shared
 
I knew I was bisexual in 6th grade and even came out to my brother. Most of my life I’ve only been with guys with two serious girlfriends. However, after my sexual abuse and assault I have such a strong fear of all men, including my brothers and dad. I also feel more strongly connected to women then men, and I didn’t sleep with a woman until I was in love. Major opposite of men, I lost my virginity when I was 14, but I wanted it to be different with a woman. I don’t know where I stand on my sexuality anymore and sometimes it bothers me, but I overall don’t mind. I don’t need to define myself for anyone and if I’m okay with not knowing, so should everyone else.
 
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