Hyper sexuality questions. Suggestions welcome

How you and your wife have sex (sometimes with another man) is something you both consent to and do now and then. The way you write about it has a very different feel to the sex with men in various places. One sounds planned, agreed between you and your wife, not addictive, not shame inducing, healthy rather than unhealthy.

The sex with men, sounds like danger given the risks you are taking. And dishonesty, given what your wife might feel if she knows.

what’s your plan on telling your wife?
what’s your plan on getting some STI tests?

being gay or bi doesn’t mean you have random unsafe sex that feels uncontrollable and dangerous and makes you feel disgusted after. That sounds like nothing to do with sexual orientation but problematic Sexual behaviour that is causing you emotional distress, (and the health risks, and the risk to losing your wife in the process).
1. Post-abuse same-sex attraction is a real, verified thing among men who have been sexually abused by men as children or adults.
I have believed this for years, but have always been afraid to say it, because everyone so vehemently claims that being abused cannot affect your sexual orientation/attraction. I've just never believed that. (I'll go even further and say that I believe that sexual abuse can actually influence a person's wiring enough to increase the risk that they abuse others - COCSA is a great example, but again, everyone f*ckin' yells at me - that can't happen!)

It's like Friday says, y'know, I suspect most humans actually have the ability and capacity to choose who they want to f*ck, which is like, this hugely extremist opinion that invalidates "we're born this way!!! Environment cannot affect it!" because, like - (obviously our society should simply shift to say "whatever people choose to do or however people are naturally wired or however environment impacts that is fine)

the way even my own experiences work - I'm aro, whether that's a legit "romantic orientation" according to split attraction or whether it's RAD (and as far as "legitimate aromanticism," RAD would absolutely explain it, but again, you have a huge contingency of people who claim that sexual attraction cannot be influenced by environment [RAD is an environmental disorder] and it all comes down to "how you are born/wired")

But I've always just been like "both genders are attractive I guess, whatever," and never felt one particular way or another about any of it (which allows me to choose) interspersed with trauma reenactment.

There is a small collection of recovery literature for laypeople that mentions hypersexuality, but it's generally geared towards women.
This is weird to me. My entire experience with hypersexuality even in recovery spaces has always been geared toward men. I'm not saying you're wrong, or anything, you would know. (And you say laypeople, not clinicians/researchers, so -) it's just, so weird that we have such vastly different perceptions of this. Even the study I found on the first page of Google mentions "hypersexuality is especially strong amongst male survivors" and I've always found this to be true, and it's true for me as well.
and it all comes down to "how you are born/wired"
This is a strange bias to me and I feel like it has strong litigious grounding. When a condition is environmental then someone is responsible—which means that people can make or lose money off it. Genetic? Then it’s “not our problem” (socially). Sorry to hijack. Need to explore this in my diary perhaps.