Great thread! I can identify with much that is said here. And Grace and Frankie is a good show!
I have a lot more to say than what I can fit into one post. So many stories in a story... Just some of the many turning points of my journey:
I had my first romantic and physical attractions at age 5 or 6 to other girls. By 11 I was looking through the Girl Scout Handbook for the chapter on what to do if you want to kiss other girls. But all that was there was stuff about liking boys. I spent a lot of time looking for answers. Found no evidence of there being a path for me to be with another girl in that way.
Spent middle school trying to detect other girls like me but found no leads. No evidence any other girls in my school could reciprocate the way I see them. No evidence they even think to look at other girls that way. I feel lonely. "I must be an alien."
Fast forward to age 15 when some LGBT counselors came to our school for a week. I desperately wanted to go to their open office hours to get relief from my tension and confusion, but there was no way to do so without being seen going into counseling office by other students. And I was too afraid to say it out loud, what I want to say so badly I want to shout it from the rooftops...
Age 15 -- I walked around gym class holding hands with a girl I was in a close relationship with. We were harassed. But someone very kind in the locker room approached me and told me they supported me and excitedly stated that they didn't know I was a lesbian. I was sooooo not ready to be called that or to even hear it out loud, and I wasn't even sure about myself yet. I...I needed time. And space. I didn't know this yet, but I also needed role models, community, and greater overall visibility of people like me. The things I needed were not there and so I just dismissed my sexuality as something unimportant and silly.
Age 18 -- marrying a person who gets me. A man who never initiates sex either. Sometimes I wonder if he's gay. I wouldn't mind if he is. Anyway, we love one another and that is what counts.
Age 27 -- I'm sitting in the office of a therapist who I hired specifically for his expertise in coming out and internalized homophobia (a very, very real issue and something that robbed me of vitality and joy for too many years of my life). I was terrified. The investment in a second therapist for 12 weeks, and in spending that time doing 'exposure therapy' via immersing myself in the LGBTQ community, changed my life. I felt so much better after just 12 weeks!!! But I did go through a lot during them and considered jumping in front of a train a couple of times. I came out to my family. It was hard work all of it. So embarrassing yet liberating. Then the shock of my life: my husband came out to me! We are essentially a lavender marriage. Things make a lot more sense now.
For me, there is no *deeper* more innate satisfaction than loving and being with another woman. It feels so natural and so right. I don't understand why not all women are like this! Why so few? Whenever I'm with a woman I love and am able to express myself sexually with her, I've felt like the fullest and most natural expression of me... Like, this is right, this is what I want to be doing. This is meaningful to me too. Why are there so few of us? I want to be able to date more but...the pickings are scarce around here.
What I'm confused about is why I date men at all. Nothing about their bodies turns me on at all, never has, never will. I can still fall in love with and enjoy sex with them. But their bodies...it's as effective as staring at a cardboard box at turning me on. All types. I've watched so much porn and looked at so many men trying to find just one male body that makes me feel that desire. Hasn't happened yet. I'm 31. I feel nothing. In contrast, there are many, many female bodies that do it for me with just one glance. As I told my second therapist, I feel like a defective radio from the radio factory. Like, I'm just wired differently. Purely sexually physically speaking I like women. It feels so good to be able to just say that too. Like a huge weight off my shoulders after 20+ years.
So why do I even go for men? I have a few theories:
1. Phase 1, teen years: The power play is really something. With sex, I can assert my power to men. It feels powerful to make a man shake with desire, weep with gratification, or cry out in ecstacy. To think a 'little girl' could reduce some big powerful guy to a passive, whimpering recipient of intense erotic stimulation! I wanted to feel powerful against the opposite sex because patriarchy. And abuse...
2. On the flip side of that, I really longed for male approval. I wanted my father's love or that of a male surrogate. Sex is a way to make them like me, keep them interested, keep them from leaving. It's part of my approval seeking set of behaviors. I want a male caretaker so I can feel safe in this world. Sex is a way of achieving that.
3. More recent years: I think I can fall in love with anybody and sexual desire often follows as a bonding thing, a seeking of unity. Moreover, I can simply appreciate the mechanical pleasures, so if it's with a person I love it can be awesome regardless of their gender... I'm exploring what I like and do not like.