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Sexual orientation and traumas -- a place to share your struggle with sexuality

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I have so much to say on this topic, but I'm afraid I can't bring myself to divulge it.
No need to force it, then :) if you ever feel like doing so, I bet this thread will still be here. Hopefully other's stories will be helpful anyway!

What happened to me in my childhood doesn't define who I am

Absolutely not! :D
 
I don't think I'm trans, even if I do have identity problems surrounding gender, because I don't feel...
I'll gladly take on the honor of co-author haha. But can I be your wingman, like in Top Gun instead? (might be one of the gayest things I've said in a while.....)

I have so much to say on this topic, but I'm afraid I can't bring myself to divulge it.

We're here if and when you're ready :)
 
I posted in the other thread too. I have always felt a little extra shame with the same sex abuse. It's not that I think being gay is bad, but it felt extra deviant on an abuse level. Stupid I know bc it was all deviant and horrible even the opposite sex stuff. I was so young and didn't understand what it meant about me. As I grew older and learned about what being gay was, it made me wonder if that I was gay. Back then, the context in which people talked about gay people was ugly and made it sound like it was bad so I immediately thought, "I am bad." Anyway, it is something I have struggled with my whole life. I am straight, in a heterosexual (unhappy) marriage, and never had a relationship other than the non consensual one as a child. However, even as old as I am now, I have fallout from the events. Because of what happened it was years before I had gay friends. I stayed away because it scared me and made me think about the abuse. Horrible of me I know. I was never mean to anyone, unkind or prejudice. I just didn't hang with anyone, male or female, that was gay. It made me nervous. I was 5 when the abuse happened and it was pretty unkind so I carried all of it for 40 years before I worked it out. My brother is gay and married to a guy. I know I am fumbling this around and can't seem to put eloquent words together here... I really hope I haven't offended anyone bc as I have come to realize I don't have any aversion to being gay. Sex is only one component of a relationship and I realize that being gay is about having a connection and loving someone and sex is a way two people who love each other connect. I have an aversion to sex used in a deviant way regardless of the sex of the abuser. Sorry if this didn't come out right...really, really hard subject for me that I am currently facing. I hope I haven't said something here that is offensive or hurts anyone. That isn't my intent...ever. I am struggling here and will shut up now.. lol
 
I hope I haven't said something here that is offensive or hurts anyone. That isn't my intent...ever.
There's nothing offensive about what you posted. Even as a gay person it's been so hammered into me that gays are the absolute scum of the earth that I sometimes have to view myself as genderless in order to feel okay for romantic attraction to other women. Entire generations of people have been raised to view gays as lesser humans so of, course being uncomfortable around gays is normal because you've been raised to feel like they're the freakshow at the boardwalk. I even feel that way sometimes and I'm one of them. It's an ingrained prejudice. It leads to lots of self hate especially since I was made to do things by supposedly straight people.
I think this is something that is finally changing but it's going to take generations of open minded people to undo the damage caused by the previous ones. World views are still pretty draconian. I'm just starting to accept my gayness now and I have a hard time with it occasionally. If you're not in an area where it's widely accepted it's pretty isolating. At least it has been for me. Mostly, because I'm alone and I don't want to be attacked for it so I'm never open about it. I look like a dude though so it's pretty obvious.
 
There's nothing offensive about what you posted. Even as a gay person it's been so hammered into me...
Thanks for the reply. I grew up in an area where it wasn't widely accepted hence the reason why my brother must have moved away. Not that you need this from me, but I don't think being gay makes you a lesser human. If anything, the courage and strength it takes to come out is far more inspiring than living my dull, straight, unhappy life... I think finding your authentic self is commendable and quite frankly brave. I am middle aged now but wish I had started this work years ago when I first went to therapy. I would likely have not married my husband...likely would have never dated him much less married him. We have a beautiful child that I adore. I think God gave me my son to make the rest of my life palatable. I am trying to find a path to peace with all of it and see the happy spots... anyway, hugs to you if that is ok..
 
Well, I'm a male, my first trauma was at the age of 7 (or therabouts). Another child, a boy a few years older initiated an performed sexual acts with me - at the time I went along with it, I didn't really know much about what was happening. As years went on I've tried to be and have been in straight relationships, I don't like men, but to be honest sexually I don't like women very much, to the point now at 40, I stay away from any kind of sex. My sexuality is probably something I've been afraid of and haven't spoken about very much
 
I'll gladly take on the honor of co-author haha. But can I be your wingman, like in Top Gun instead? (might be one of the gayest things I've said in a while.....)
:roflmao::roflmao:

Hey @littleoc thanks for starting this thread. Not up to reading/posting rn but will d...
You're welcome :) whenever you need it, it'll be here!

being uncomfortable around gays is normal because you've been raised to feel like they're the freakshow at the boardwalk. I even feel that way sometimes and I'm one of them. It's an ingrained prejudice.
@Rumors Don't worry, nothing you said was at all offensive. Part of why gay people have to struggle to feel accepted is because EVERYONE struggles to accept them. It's really nice to read about you trying and learning. It can be difficult to simply believe differently than others.

And I completely get this -- my twin brother is the only religious person in my immediate family. (My father disowned him for being Christian, despite my father being a much worse person... and eventually pretending to be pagan?) It literally happened overnight for him -- but now he constantly reminds me that pretty much everyone's going to Hell. No, I don't believe this. But it bothers me anyway, because I even though I know my forgiveness must've been part of something good that any good God would've gifted, I'm worried that me being gay is just some kind of fetish that I should be avoiding. Very odd, considering my otherwise lack of history in religion. Family Judaism and Catholicism must have snaked its way down? Who knows?

I look like a dude though so it's pretty obvious.
It's funny you say that -- occasionally at college (I didn't hide it) someone would tell me that (a) I either wasn't gay because I look feminine: long hair (in which case they'd usually say, "But you AREN'T wearing makeup..."), or (b) tell me that I must be the "girl of the future relationship" because of my long hair. Then they'd try to find evidence of me being gay by looking at my T-shirt or pants suit. Unless I happened to be wearing a dress or skirt, lol.

Gender and sexuality are closely linked, but don't worry about you being obvious :) You may not be. I know plenty of straight, "manly women" and a coupe of feminie but straight men... my best friend is a gay man, but he's so masculine that people get surprised. He'll get annoyed and tell them that being gay didn't make him less than manly... lol

If anything, the courage and strength it takes to come out is far more inspiring than living my dull, straight, unhappy life... I think finding your authentic self is commendable and quite frankly brave. I am middle aged now but wish I had star
I'd say you're showing some courage and strength, too :) Realizing that you chose the wrong husband and wouldn't have even dated him as you are now -- you've been self-accepting a lot

I don't like men, but to be honest sexually I don't like women very much, to the point now at 40, I stay away from any kind of sex. My sexuality is probably something I've been afraid of and haven't spoken about very much
Some people aren't that interested in sex. I'm not sure if I'll ever be, personally, although I know which gender I prefer to date. But it does take a lot of figuring out...
 
I have discussed this at length in threads and my diary so it's out there, believe me. I don't mind re stating however I am and was everything I ever experienced because I was and am abuse reactive. CSA. Someone gave it to me/forced it on me and it's a gift that keeps on giving. : ( The therapist finally helped me understand.
 
I have noticed this a lot in the forums lately, but haven't seen a thread dedicated to it yet.

I thin...
So I was molested by women as a child. This includes forced oral sex and object rape.
I mostly had crushes on guys, but in college met a girl and I loved her. I was SO attracted to her. I tried to date her, but I was uncomfortable.

I came to the conclusion that I am bi, but go more hetero because of the abuse by women.
Perhaps you are gay because you are just gay.
Many women get abused by men, but remain hetero.
My theory is that we are all somewhere on the scale of bisexuality, some more gay, some more hetero and being abused can influence what is already there.
 
Great thread! I can identify with much that is said here. And Grace and Frankie is a good show!

I have a lot more to say than what I can fit into one post. So many stories in a story... Just some of the many turning points of my journey:

I had my first romantic and physical attractions at age 5 or 6 to other girls. By 11 I was looking through the Girl Scout Handbook for the chapter on what to do if you want to kiss other girls. But all that was there was stuff about liking boys. I spent a lot of time looking for answers. Found no evidence of there being a path for me to be with another girl in that way.

Spent middle school trying to detect other girls like me but found no leads. No evidence any other girls in my school could reciprocate the way I see them. No evidence they even think to look at other girls that way. I feel lonely. "I must be an alien."

Fast forward to age 15 when some LGBT counselors came to our school for a week. I desperately wanted to go to their open office hours to get relief from my tension and confusion, but there was no way to do so without being seen going into counseling office by other students. And I was too afraid to say it out loud, what I want to say so badly I want to shout it from the rooftops...

Age 15 -- I walked around gym class holding hands with a girl I was in a close relationship with. We were harassed. But someone very kind in the locker room approached me and told me they supported me and excitedly stated that they didn't know I was a lesbian. I was sooooo not ready to be called that or to even hear it out loud, and I wasn't even sure about myself yet. I...I needed time. And space. I didn't know this yet, but I also needed role models, community, and greater overall visibility of people like me. The things I needed were not there and so I just dismissed my sexuality as something unimportant and silly.

Age 18 -- marrying a person who gets me. A man who never initiates sex either. Sometimes I wonder if he's gay. I wouldn't mind if he is. Anyway, we love one another and that is what counts.

Age 27 -- I'm sitting in the office of a therapist who I hired specifically for his expertise in coming out and internalized homophobia (a very, very real issue and something that robbed me of vitality and joy for too many years of my life). I was terrified. The investment in a second therapist for 12 weeks, and in spending that time doing 'exposure therapy' via immersing myself in the LGBTQ community, changed my life. I felt so much better after just 12 weeks!!! But I did go through a lot during them and considered jumping in front of a train a couple of times. I came out to my family. It was hard work all of it. So embarrassing yet liberating. Then the shock of my life: my husband came out to me! We are essentially a lavender marriage. Things make a lot more sense now.

For me, there is no *deeper* more innate satisfaction than loving and being with another woman. It feels so natural and so right. I don't understand why not all women are like this! Why so few? Whenever I'm with a woman I love and am able to express myself sexually with her, I've felt like the fullest and most natural expression of me... Like, this is right, this is what I want to be doing. This is meaningful to me too. Why are there so few of us? I want to be able to date more but...the pickings are scarce around here.

What I'm confused about is why I date men at all. Nothing about their bodies turns me on at all, never has, never will. I can still fall in love with and enjoy sex with them. But their bodies...it's as effective as staring at a cardboard box at turning me on. All types. I've watched so much porn and looked at so many men trying to find just one male body that makes me feel that desire. Hasn't happened yet. I'm 31. I feel nothing. In contrast, there are many, many female bodies that do it for me with just one glance. As I told my second therapist, I feel like a defective radio from the radio factory. Like, I'm just wired differently. Purely sexually physically speaking I like women. It feels so good to be able to just say that too. Like a huge weight off my shoulders after 20+ years.

So why do I even go for men? I have a few theories:

1. Phase 1, teen years: The power play is really something. With sex, I can assert my power to men. It feels powerful to make a man shake with desire, weep with gratification, or cry out in ecstacy. To think a 'little girl' could reduce some big powerful guy to a passive, whimpering recipient of intense erotic stimulation! I wanted to feel powerful against the opposite sex because patriarchy. And abuse...

2. On the flip side of that, I really longed for male approval. I wanted my father's love or that of a male surrogate. Sex is a way to make them like me, keep them interested, keep them from leaving. It's part of my approval seeking set of behaviors. I want a male caretaker so I can feel safe in this world. Sex is a way of achieving that.

3. More recent years: I think I can fall in love with anybody and sexual desire often follows as a bonding thing, a seeking of unity. Moreover, I can simply appreciate the mechanical pleasures, so if it's with a person I love it can be awesome regardless of their gender... I'm exploring what I like and do not like.
 
I had my first romantic and physical attractions at age 5 or 6 to other girls.

That's so interesting that you said that. I have wondered at what age you know... I get confused about that, because I have been told that kids don't care about that stuff until puberty. I don't know.

Maybe it's that they don't look for it in relationships with adults...? I may look into that later.

And your reasons make sense. I have those kinds of thoughts too. Especially when my twin brother goes on basically rants about what marriage is. Very confusing.
 
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