Sexual orientation and traumas -- a place to share your struggle with sexuality

[ILoveLife]

I agree, terrible that a T did this. Plus other stuff, but no point in going off topic here.

She didn't explain the why or methods of the research paper, and I didn't ask. To be completely honest, I kinda believed her for a while there.. But more in a sense of, since I wasn't raised by both mother and father I'm a screw up.
Maybe she meant for me to understand it that way, I don't know.

The ex was (is?) an abusive ass.

 

[ILoveLife]

Children need stable parents, its even preferable one stable parent to two parents in a mildly unstable relationship. Gender nowadays is pretty irrelevant, @Mee . At least it's the research I've read.

 

[Mee]

Children need stable parents, its even preferable one stable parent to two parents in a mildly unstable r...

Stability yes. And to be wanted. I think these are primary.

I think gender relevance is... Difficult and depends more on extended family social network. I think good role models.of other genders ( and other ’differences’ like sexuality and race and believe system.) all help us find placement and comfort and open-mindedness to ourselves ( and others)

 

[ILoveLife]

Agreed. :) but a good gender role model doesn't need to be one of the parents.

 

[Mee]

Agreed. :) but a good gender role model doesn't need to be one of the parents.

Agreed

 

[Hope4Now]

I just found this great thread via a search. Thanks for starting it, @littleoc
Your original post asked for "your story". Mine is really convoluted and includes issues with both gender and sexuality. I was sexually abused by both male and female parents from age 3 or so on. My lovely system managed to sequester that information for many decades until it all came blasting out in a monumental sort of way. Ugh but that's a different story.

I was fully aware from as long as I remember that I identified as a boy even though I had a girl's body--mostly because my mother fought me on it constantly. She'd adopted a girl because she wanted a girl. Her bad luck. Back then, I was identified by others as a "tomboy." I insisted on being called a boy's name. I remember being utterly shocked when my best friend, his brother, and I had one of those little kid moments (around age 4) of showing each other our privates. They had proof they were boys and I was not. It was a horrifying revelation to me that I could not be a boy simply because I believed I was. The gender experience started before the sexual abuse. Until I was 12, I was forced to be my father's boy, and my mother's girl--and the abuse related to some of this.

Some earlier poster said they were sexual before they even knew what that was. I was too (very oversexual)--in part, I'm certain, because of the sexual abuse. As I got older, I still didn't "get" much about sex (I was pretty dissociated all along), but I liked boys. So my sexuality, on the surface at least, was hetero. But, if you layer the gender identification over that, it basically made me a gay boy, not a hetero girl.

It's even more convoluted than that. Because I was raped by my father, as his "boy," I ended up unconsciously developing this shame about feeling I was a man attracted to men. And because my mother abused me in different ways, I learned to fear and distrust women. Yet I was, biologically, a woman. YIKES. It all confuses even me. Even still all these decades later. And...guess what? I have been married to a man for 24 years and "he" is transgender (I didn't know that until about 10 years ago). But he is heterosexual technically because he likes women and he hasn't transitioned. And we have two nearly grownup kids who identify as gender fluid and bisexual...and did long before they knew anything at all about us, their parents. And neither of them has experienced any sort of sexual trauma.

I think trauma can deeply complicate both gender identification and sexual orientation/preferences, and that humans fall somewhere on a continuum of gender as well as a continuum of sexuality (which can shift and change over life), no matter what their physical body looks like or whether they've experienced trauma. It's all very confusing to sort out, and moreso for those of us who have been traumatized whether by sexual assault or by rigid cultural "norms" that view us as abnormal and can make us grow up to hate and abuse ourselves.

 

[Hooper]

Damn Littleoc,
Your thread has struck a nerve. It's hard to ask a single question where so many diverse backgrounds converge like you have when you started this. Hope4Now your story is fascinating minus the abuse side but that is part of the question. It's rare to see this much content with this much quality in one place. I'm going to reread it. Stuff this good gets missed on the first reading. Looking forward to seeing what I missed the first go round. Well done. This is what I love about this place.

 

[shimmerz]

This thread has really had my brain buzzing with activity tonight. I never knew there was a word for who I was or that other people were like me too. I just thought I was really weird. Demisexual is who I am. From what I have read this is why I identify. This is a new term to me so please feel free to correct any misunderstandings of the term on my part.
1. Seemed like everyone else used to drool over perfect strangers walking down the street. Nice ass; look at that guy because he is gorgeous kinda stuff. Thought never even occurred to me. Like. Never.
2. The look of people changes for me as I get to know them. The more I like them, the more attractive they are to me. Clearly they haven't physically changed.
3. What other people may call out as ugly in other people, that thought never occurs to me either.
4. I have been giving much thought lately to the fact that I may well have face blindness. This has been a problem for a long time.
5. I make certain that any relationship I have is friends first. Always. And for a long while. I struggle often with not wanting to lose a friend to a sexual relationship.
6. I do, actually feel asexual. However, demisexual fits better now that I know the term.
7. I feel like I have excessive control over what, to most are primal needs. People can't manipulate me sexually because I just don't care. By nature of that fact it always makes me the dominant sexual partner -- whether I want to be or not. I have a conflict there because my personality type does not seek to dominate. Confusing to me.

This term has literally started a rewiring process in my head. It makes sense of a ton of things over the course of my lifetime. Thanks @littleoc!

 

[Hooper]

Here's the male side to your dilemma point by point starting with a movie anyone in their mid to upper 40's has seen which is When Harry Met Sally where the premise is men just want to have sex with their attractive and potentially not so attractive female friends. The movie spoke to me in my younger years but after rewatching it a few years ago it no longer resonated with me. Anyway here goes.

1. Seemed like everyone else used to drool over perfect strangers walking down the street. Nice ass; look at that guy because he is gorgeous kinda stuff. Thought never even occurred to me. Like. Never.

When I was younger this was true. As I've aged it's far from the truth. Now it's like a matter of principal. I've never cheated and will not start now. I'm not blind and appreciate beauty but it's simply different. At 48 I've got friends with daughters who are beautiful that I care about. It sounds bad but when I look at a beautiful woman I start from the feet and go up. The further I go up the more I can gauge their age and it weirds me out between 16-17 (below is out of the question) and 25 give or take a few. I hate that age range. Makes me feel like a pervert. I don't even like the summer Olympics because the competitors are in this range in gymnastics. It sounds bad but it's true. At 48 I like a 40 to 50 years old because I feel no guilt and they have had children (if not I'm not as impressed) and I know they are the real deal.

2. The look of people changes for me as I get to know them. The more I like them, the more attractive they are to me. Clearly they haven't physically changed.

I see this in opposite terms. I can see a beautiful woman in an age range I like and the more I get to know them the less I like them if I see character flaws. I can also see a woman who on paper is less attractive by physical attributes but when you add their attributes they shine. I think in terms of "the sum of the parts is less than the whole" but they have these intangibles that have a synergistic effect that makes them even more attractive than what many consider far more beautiful women. Some women are 2 + 2 is 1 or 2 but then there are 2 + 2 that = 10. My wife is the latter. It just took me 14-15 years to pull my head out of my ass to see it.

3. What other people may call out as ugly in other people, that thought never occurs to me either.

This is another age gap statement. I was like other people early on. As I've aged what other people think matters less to me. I think this is good. I'm into simplicity. Simplicity excludes the opinions of others.

4. I have been giving much thought lately to the fact that I may well have face blindness. This has been a problem for a long time.

I don't have this issue but it doesn't determine what I find attractive.

5. I make certain that any relationship I have is friends first. Always. And for a long while. I struggle often with not wanting to lose a friend to a sexual relationship.

I'm in an 18 year monogamous relationship. I want to keep it that way. I don't get open relationships nor do I want a nonsexual relationship with my wife. Anything outside of these bound adds complexity and I like things simple but it doesn't hurt that I have a serious thing for my wife. What hurts is that I have more of a thing for her than she does me but I kind of had that coming because for years she had more of a thing for me than I did her. Karma's a bitch.

6. I do, actually feel asexual. However, demisexual fits better now that I know the term.

I can't relate to asexual at all. I'm sexual and it is in one direction. My problem is I'm more sexual than my wife but my saving grace is she meets me in the middle.

7. I feel like I have excessive control over what, to most are primal needs. People can't manipulate me sexually because I just don't care. By nature of that fact it always makes me the dominant sexual partner -- whether I want to be or not. I have a conflict there because my personality type does not seek to dominate. Confusing to me.

I envy your position. The person who wants sex the least in a relationship is in control. The person who wants sex the most who respects their partners boundaries (unlike my wife's rapist) is kind of screwed. You're like my wife. She doesn't care to dominate. She doesn't care she is incredible. She doesn't care that she is desired. She just appeases me. In doing so she is the dominant partner. Although you find it confusing it's pretty simple. Unless you are with an abusive partner you are in control given the circumstances you describe. You shouldn't feel confused or guilty about your situation. Once again this is just the opinion of the not so proud owner of the fragile male ego. PM me if you have questions. I'm in the middle of answering questions to another woman similar to you but am answering at her pace. I know where I stand. I think I know where my wife stands but I don't understand it. Men and women are just wired differently. I can answer questions from where I stand but I've yet to figure out what it is like to be desired 18 years after the fireworks were going off on both sides. I am thrilled with what I have but there is an ambivalence that I chalk up as just the difference between men and women on my wife's side. I can tell you when I was ambivalent I was happier. When the roles reversed what can I say. Karma is a bitch and that is directed at me. My wife is anything but a bitch.

 

[littleoc]

Just saying, but it has remained confusing that people keep telling me that I don’t “look gay.” What does that mean???

I had a therapist say it once too. And had my ex tell me I was clearly just confused. My female, gay ex. lol Projecting, I suppose

 

[Mach123]

All I can tell you is I woke up in puberty and I was a girl. It's become more of a thing as healing, whatever that means, has progressed. I can see how it affected me now. It makes sense looking back on it. "Don't let the days go by, could've been easier on you, I couldn't change, though I wanted to." I see it as another wonderful byproduct of CSA. It makes me sad. I am really glad I have had my wife to go through this with me. I was angry when I first saw this thread. It's not as bad now I guess because I've been trying to deal with it.

 

[littleoc]

I understand @Mach123 , and I’m glad your wife has been there with you as well.

That sounds so confusing. I’m glad you’re able to talk about it :)