Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

To be clear I am very angry at my mother but I don’t see how it will change anything. She tried her best with other situations now. And if I call her a failure than I call myself one too.

 

[littleoc]

I don’t like the words I’m saying

 

[littleoc]

I think my mom felt safe with my dad. I don’t know. Why do people chose to be with abusers?

Why did I even after I knew Brandi was crazy? I knew she was within the first MONTH of our friendship. I destroyed myself anyway. Because it was safe, right?

 

[littleoc]

I was a legal adult in a part of that one. I thought I was hurting her but I was getting something out of it so who cares, right?

 

[littleoc]

Ugh. I’m just going to stop now. I’m not even sure what I’m defending and my dog is whining at me.

 

[littleoc]

My dad used my mom’s inability to react “properly” to prove she was the real abuser and that we should either be owned by him or given up to the state.

It is hard to think about this without seeing the fear from then.

 

[littleoc]

He went all out. Tried to prove my mom had a new boyfriend in Atlanta and that her kids wore helmets to bed out of fear of her instability. My twin brother lost his ability win a car because of that lawsuit.

 

[Freida]

. I am worried about making my therapist feel embarrassed. I

Naw -- this is a easy one. Just let her know you were ok with it at first but now that you are getting into more sensitive stuff you would prefer to discuss it with mom on your own.

My mom grew up with a Dad who acted like this. H

This actually explains a lot about your mom's behavior. Odd as it sounds it might be that she believed what your dad was doing wasn't wrong because she had no idea what a "good" childhood looked like? So "kids in cages" may not have seemed that big of a thing?? Sad. But could explain some of it

But she did what she thought was right in the moment, and while idiotic, I’m not going to hold it against her to hurt myself for no reason.

This!!! ^^^ this is good!!! This is a statement about what is good for you!!! This is acknowledging mom did wrong but that you can let it go --- rather than hold on to it and try to stuff it away

I’m not even sure what I’m defending and my dog is whining at me.

Soooo I'm guessing you don't see the amazing, amazing work you are doing right now? You are pulling out pieces of the puzzle of your life and putting them together, including where to put the responsibility for what happened to you. You are defending your right to have conflicted feelings about your parents. Which, just sayin, you don't need to defend here. But you do get to have them -- and you are seeing that. That is huge!!!! :hug:

 

[littleoc]

but now that you are getting into more sensitive stuff you would prefer to discuss it with mom on your own.

Oh, yeah, that is easy peasy

So "kids in cages" may not have seemed that big of a thing?? Sad. But could explain some of it

Maybe she was in denial about it a bit also. I’m assuming she at least liked my dad at one point to do a shotgun wedding. My mom got pregnant and my Dad had made it clear that he didn’t like kids to me, but maybe not a woman he was trapping? My mom was seven or eight months pregnant when she married my dad. My sister was turning five. It’s weird because my mom acts like everyone should do everything perfectly or else they suck as humans, so I don’t know. But when not when talked about the cages, my mom insisted that they were toddler holders? And yet is against leashes. She bought a pen for my newphew but my sister ended up uncomfortable with it and not using it

You are defending your right to have conflicted feelings about your parents. Which, just sayin, you don't need to defend here. But you do get to have them -- and you are seeing that. That is huge!!!! :hug:

No, I didn’t notice that was work, lol... thought was just getting weirdly defensive

Haha, thanks for the lift

 

[littleoc]

VERY GOOD NEWS

I found a caterpillar and a mILLIPEDE

???!!!!!!!!!

 

[littleoc]

AND this milipede didn’t even dye my skin purple or yellow!! She said I was cool in a millipede no-dyeing way :D

The dye can stay on your hands for weeks! I don’t know if it’d work in clothes, but I doubt you could get enough of it for that anyway

Tie-dye millipedes haha

 

[littleoc]

Also the caterpillar was an Isabella tiger moth, they are very sweet, just don’t get a quill in your pore :)