Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

I've got to be honest, @littleoc... when you tell stuff like that about your mom I really don't like her much.

I want to tell you you'd be much happier and healthier living in an environment where you weren't reminded of all that stuff on a minute by minute basis, that it would help you get out of certain stages of denial about it all, and would probably diminish your symtpoms a whole lot.

 

[littleoc]

Great point

I’m afraid of bathrooms again but wasn’t when I was at my sister’s. Not as much, anyway

I like my mom fine, but I’ve been troubled by her behavior and by my inability to view her in a motherly way, because she’s my mom. Feels messed up

 

[littleoc]

My mom is judgmental and I’m having trouble finding positives, which is weird. She’s not a bad person though. My oldest sibling lived a normal life compared to us and her best friend is my mom. So it’s something I’m stuck over and reflecting in this diary.

That said, I haven’t talked about this much but between my therapist randomly telling my mom how I’m doing, and my mom always being there for the update and waiting in the waiting room where I’m sure she can hear me, I doubt therapy is doing me much good lately. I stare under the therapist’s door and wait for Nestle to tell me when my mom is closer so I know when to suddenly change subject. It was weird because it was my dad who spied on me, not my mom. So I think I see qualities of Brandi in my mom and get afraid.

Awake at 3am, yaaaay. Couldn’t sleep. Remembered how lonely my childhood was. My dad forbade birthday parties. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over. I had Nikki, but the sleepover I had there was equally scarring. And yet I didn’t think it was weird. I remember playing a party game with my little brother and wondering why we had sad birthdays while other people had parties. Our friend Emily tried to invite us to hers and we never fit in, so her parents cut us off.

My dad thought giving us stuff would be enough I think. It was a nice distraction. It’s bothering me now though.

 

[ILoveLife]

I get that. I like my mom too, most of the time, they're our moms even if they haven't always acted like such (mine in more ... pronounced? ... ways than yours, obviously).
But I think it's really okay to be angry about her behavior towards you, even if you feel guilty.

 

[littleoc]

Yeah, that’s true. I am angry.

 

[littleoc]

sad birthdays

I force things to be happy now days. Mostly because I don’t want to make my mom feel sad or guilty.

There are a lot of memories bothering me right now. I don’t think moving out would fix it. It didn’t in college. But it might help.

 

[littleoc]

I’m angrier at my dad, but he’s incapable of caring. Or understanding.

 

[littleoc]

I really need all my meds.

 

[littleoc]

My psychiatrist is going to be really disappointed in me this week

For not starting Ambilify or however it’s spelled. My mom was told through two different avenues about it and between that and fear I couldn’t take it

 

[ILoveLife]

Is your mom against you taking meds for some reason?

 

[littleoc]

No, not at all. It’s more that I’m afraid she’ll be watching me. I can’t tease out why that’s bothering me.

 

[ILoveLife]

I get that way when my mom attempts to take care of me, it's so unlike her that I get defensive "I can take care of myself" tense