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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

So my aunts left me a broken glass booby trap. Let’s just say I’m glad that it was weathered down a little and I’m glad I’ve had my tetnis shot.

Brandi was mostly against vaccines. Idiotic. During the last entire year of our forced relationship, I tried to convince her. No luck. Hopefully she does to spite me, lol
 
I told my psychiatrist about my issues, and she said all is fine. She said she’s been a bit stressed with all these shortages. Her patients are coming in back to back needing help with all these shortages. Some old meds that work for people are getting discontinued which is even worse. So, it’s bwen hectic.

She got me in touch with someone who can get me more pills, so I will last through the fall, hopefully past these shortages. She said I can try the Ambilify when I’m regulated, when I want to. She urged me to schedule an appointment with my therapist this weekend if she’s available. We shall see
 
When I voted today, the ladies told me (1) that statistically more women are voting this year and (2) because I have a service dog I was eligible to be in the handcap line which was 3/4th shorter than the main voting line c:

Also I like Halloween when kids come by! There was one dressed as a magician who loved my cow hat (he mooed at me), his little sister who was dressed as Belle and singing the songs(!), another boy dressed as Spiderman with his dog dressed as a bat (when I told him he could take more candy, he looked at this three sour straws and said “nah, I got what I want!”), and a young teenager dressed in black :) super fuuuun
 
Z, too. Ugh. I remember crying in his car parked in my driveway once, having to apologise for all my "issues" and having to "admit" to him that their cause was because my parents got me vaccinated as a child according to the national vaccine schedule.
VERY RELATABLE

Ugh, the craziest people are also so, so dense... I kept up on my vaccines though. I was in a teenage nursing program thing and was fully aware what not getting vaccinated could do. Also my mom was educated and got us vaccinated, even my little bro after my dad lied to doctors about what vaccines he had (and they believed him!!) because he wanted my brother to get a deadlier version of chicken pox :/ (as in, older kids get deadlier/more permanent side effects that young kids do not)

@LuckiLee We had an order of protection! It would have lasted until I was 18 except my mom wasn’t reporting his stalking behavior and the numorous times he contacted her despite the order. My mom was convinced my dad would want to see us and didn’t want to report the behavior that would prevent him from seeing us. She thought it would upset us, even though we’d been writing her letters since we could first write about how we wanted our dad to go away and be divorced from our mom. (Which he’d say was my older sister being a bad influence. Nah, dude, your kids hate you!)

My twin brother never had an order of protection against my dad. The judge asked if my dad had ever hurt Twin, and my mom and Twin were both on the spot I guess because they couldn’t think of anything (no deafness, no attacking because he was autistic, no starving him and then hitting him when he screamed while autistic-triggered) — so my dad got to have my twin on weekends! It was insane! Luckily my dad was only interested once and didn’t kill him.

My mom could get an order of protection again, because he’s still stalking her. I am unsure if I could, because my dad’s a bit afraid of me now. He seems to want me to like him — it’s confusing. He hasn’t apologized to me though so it hardly matters. If he bothers me I would hesitate to have him banned from talking to me. Not sure why — maybe im still afraid of hurting his feelings? My dad has depression and bipolar (the kind of has very high highs and very scary lows) on top of being a psychopath so that makes it hard because he wants to be cheered up and turns to alcohol. I’ve been told that his psychologist he had for a bit (who he might have assaulted??) said that his alcoholic behavior was better while we were still talking, because I can read him well and know what to say to cheer him up. Makes me feel sad for him, but it is what it is. I get sad too and he sometimes showed sympathy but only rarely.

I remember the sympathy well though because it really boosted my self esteem. I felt like if he said something it was probably True. Because he was like me, mostly mute with fear and couldn’t talk much about us, and when he did, it was in a third grader voice. Unless he was drunk. He talked about everything else, though, usually for eighteen hours straight and no one was allowed to interrupt.

He disowned my little bro for saying that my dad abused him. My little bro doesn’t know that because they don’t talk, but I don’t want to tell him because my little bro wanted to rekindle a friendship one day. I will warn him when he’s older that our dad will probably hates who he hates forever and not realize it’s socially unacceptable

Tl;dr I think my mom should get a new order of protection or a restraining order, but I don’t know about everyone else
 
I am unsure if I could, because my dad’s a bit afraid of me now. He seems to want me to like him — it’s confusing. He hasn’t apologized to me though so it hardly matters.
I think he wants you to be "on his side" - it's a manipulative move because he's afraid of you. My father did the same.
 
deadlier/more permanent side effects that young kids do not
For sure! Had chickenpox at age 22. I was ill for 3 months.
I’ve been told that his psychologist he had for a bit (who he might have assaulted??) said that his alcoholic behavior was better while we were still talking, because I can read him well and know what to say to cheer him up.
You aren't responsible for making sure his alcoholic behaviour is better; you know that right?
 
I think he wants you to be "on his side" - it's a manipulative move because he's afraid of you. My father did the same.
Oh! That would explain a lot. Would also add up with the fact that he was calling me because he found out he’s being removed from his (wealthy) parents’ will, and he believes I am his step mom’s favorite besides his sister who — wait, she still talks to him. Wasn’t she abused by him? Yes, she was... welll, he’s hoping I’ll give him money probably, and he’s probably hoping I’ll take care of him. He’s in bad shape. Too many drugs. And he never wanted help. (Why would you, when you don’t care about anyone at all?)

Had chickenpox at age 22. I was ill for 3 months.
Oh no!!! I’m glad you are okay!! I wonder if that explains the early signs of shingles? No idea, but I hope not! I hope it stays away!

You aren't responsible for making sure his alcoholic behaviour is better; you know that right?
Oh, yeah. I worked on stuff between my dad at a very young age, even before I got him out of the house. The school board got me a required in-school therapist and DCS (Department of Child Services) made sure we knew from the start that sometimes people are evil and you have to let them.

Still makes me sad. I’ve got a lot of threads around the forum of me having to ask if it’s been mean that I’m not calling my dad on his birthday or father’s day or anything else. I know he’s sad and lonely. I remind myself that that’s the human condition, and if he wants to embrace his trauma instead of heal and be an ACTUAL human, I can’t help him. Otherwise I’ll be miserable.

It sucks because my dad and I have a lot in common and we could be great friends, if he were a person
 
Two things.

One, there’s something I keep saying in my diary is disturbing me way too frequently, but I’m too embarrassed to discuss because it involves someone else, but I’m getting triggered like crazy and I end up feeling hateful and ashamed. I want to ask people for advice but I feel the situation is helpless. I wish I would have whenever there was anonymous posting...

Two, I assumed that I couldn’t become a pediatrician because of too much trauma, so I’ve been mad at pedo and at my dad mostly for this. VERY mad. Too mad to post here because I was ashamed of that. And part of the problem is that residency involves ER work, and they won’t care much if I’m disabled I bet... and you can forget sleep as an ER doc. And I might meet the faceless person. Hmmmm
 
Good point

I may post it in the forums tomorrow. My reactions are getting ridiculous. I showered a lot today, my skin is gonna start getting cracked again soon. I’m just very, very worried that it will change the way people think about me.



It just occured to me that the pedo should be the psychopath and my dad should be the sorry one who fails suicide out of guilt. That would have been easier to cope with!!

Or not, my mom feels bad a lot and it makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I’m happy because she cares. Rude for a parent not to care!



I have a Cantonese horchata recipe that my professors were obsessed with (one told me it tasted like his childhood and made him miss his brother in Spain), but I forgot to make it this summer! I always put it off because it takes two to three days depending on things. Effort. I wonder if it’d be good hot for winter if I added extra cinnamon.... lol. Or I could turn it into ice nd make an horchata slushie :P
 

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