That's a lot of emotional stuff happening there. Little wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. :hug:
I feel like I lost the last 6 years of my life, my vitality, my sleep, my identity as a woman on levels diff than PTSD, on levels that were not understood and could not be helped by doctors.
^^I really do understand this because I lost 8 years to a particular psyc drug and I was as angry as a cut cat over it till just recently and I can easily go back to being extremely angry about it even now. :wtf:
I'm angry at the pharmaceutical company that makes the drug, the doctors who prescribe it, the government for allowing it to be prescribed.
But most of all I hated myself for letting myself get soo doped up to the eyeballs. :sorry: to myself.
Hindsight is cruel and unrelenting and it never solves anything unless you make it so. It feeds self-loathing and anger and I totally bought into all of that.
A long while later I started to realise I was feeling the glimmer of relief that I had actually
survived that drug and though it would be easy to just keep on immersing myself in self-loathing - I had to take credit for
getting off it because that was a huge accomplishment.
Can you do the same? Can you stand back from yourself and give yourself just a little bit of relief from your overly critical eye and quietly realise you survived?
fb in sunk into me that she has what I want,
^^ Nobody posts unattractive pics of themselves except well... idiots.
fb is full of vital, perfect creatures and almost without exception the whole idea is to present those attractive traits and minimise the unattractive traits. That doesn't mean they do not have them they are just not on fb!
@Scarlet13 - what your T and other's present to the world on fb - isn't them ploughing through on a ordinary day. They too have their own private little struggles and they never put them on fb nor do they carry them into the consultation with people like you and I. But they still do happen and quite frequently :)
I am jealous of her health, of her wellbeing, of her normalcy b
^^I get what you mean. Wanting to be normal, resilient and vital are great things to be and aspire to. But nobody is all of those things all of the time even when they are at their peaks. Your jealousy is over- reaching into super human areas. Your T may be beautiful etc., but I know without even meeting her she isn't like that every minute of the day...and every day.
Look at the evidence. You know her from your consultations in a professional setting and from her fb persona. That's not a lot believe me! Before I wished to be somebody else or in their shoes - I would want a load more information.
Remember - she is working when she sees you. It's her job to look normal. Imagine if she looked any less - you would not trust her! You would not listen to her and you would not tell her anything.
I'd suggest you tell her you googled her and saw her pics (which she probably assumed you have done before this anyway) but more importantly tell her exactly how it made you
feel because this goes to the crux of your attachment, medical trauma and ptsd disorders. You have hit on the very emotions that can drag you out of it. There is a big opportunity here for you to heal.
You have attributed really negative emotions to what most
"normal" people feel when they see exactly the same 'all put together' pics of people on fb etc., Of course we feel less than... But are we really?
If you don't believe me...ask your T about how fb makes
her feel. There are countless people lining up to get sessions with psydoc's and T's just over the isolating and demoralising effect fb has had on them. And they are the normal ones.
Don't be so hard on yourself
@Scarlet13 :hug:
