How do you define "love"?

[NaeNae75]

No. I think it's because he was abusive but not real sure. Also thought I was in love with my step father when I was 12 so maybe I'm still defining it that way?

Well, that's confusing, huh? I hope maybe you can work through that for your own health. Sorry I can't be more helpful with that....

*Grumble* too hard at the moment. Can't even imagine it and parts are going nuts at the thought of that. Maybe that's my issue? Ugh! I don't know!

Yikes! That could very well be. But, sorry to say, it's pretty fundamental to your health. It's honestly the foundation to all of it, as much as that can suck to face. Sigh...

Will take a look at it. Dyslexic so not a big reader but will take a look at it.

Have you ever used audiobooks? I spend a LOT of time isolated from other people (the nature of my job running heavy equipment). So I generally have an audiobook playing in my headphones while I'm working. It's really calming for me. I love learning new things. I miss reading. I don't have much time to do it other than listening while I work!

It's hard going through life when your very existence is dissonant. Accept, reject, love, hate yourself.... I like what Eve said and I think acceptance begins with oneself in a deep way where you can never reject or hate yourself no matter what, only love. We can hate or reject stupid choices we make, or stuff that we do. But I think there has to be an underlying, unconditional self acceptance and love that is the beginning point of light. I think the love of others and the ability to receive love comes from that.

Not much to add, just wanted you to say that this is beautiful and well said!

 

[katz]

So, I'm still bouncing the "to love and be loved is a basic human need like the need to breath air" around in my head.

If you want more background on this it's in this thread: Non-spoken about past after therapy

What I've come to the conclusion of last session was that I need to define what love actually is to grasp this. It is still hitting around in the core beliefs area, which is where "deserving of" and "worthy of" live and my therapist said it's greater then that but I came to conclusion that in order to grasp that earlier quote, I need to first grasp what love actually is. Which I thought should have it's own thread as it's really quite different.

So...open to all. How do you define love? What is love to you?

To be accepted for who I am.

 

[grit]

When I fell in love with my dog and I started to produce unbelievable amount of Oxycontin, I learned what love is truly!

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, dogs have a way of doing that to us!

 

[Friday]

Oxycontin

<cough> OxyTOCIN <cough>

Unless you actually meant the extended release opiate medication / hillbilly heroin, rather than the hormone responsible for bonding & affection?

 

[NaeNae75]

<cough> OxyTOCIN <cough>

Unless you actually meant the extended release opiate medication / hillbilly heroin, rather than the hormone responsible for bonding & affection?

I read right past that! Awesome!?

 

[grit]

LOL!
You guys are bad!!!!

 

[shimmerz]

Love has no agenda. It is given freely. It holds no secrets. It is unselfish although not selfless.

Love is my grandfather. It's his image and memories of him from which I derive my concept of love. I was lucky to have had him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Love has no agenda. It is given freely. It holds no secrets. It is unselfish although not selfless.

I hope this works as it didn't pop up with a link like it used to.


Dead Link Removed

Last paragrah plus last sentence. It was a quick explaination but it has really kicked me in this area. I let someone close and they bail on me because of a two way misunderstanding. Is throwing rocks at me about how I treat friends and literally bailed over 3 f*cking words. Oh, and said I shouldn't of canceled my therapy appointment.

This has really got me all which ways f*cked up. How can I believe I'm loveable or worthy of even having friends when a simple misunderstanding causes one to bail. Everyone bails on me! That's my issue. I let someone close and they bail and then a wall goes up. Over and over and over again. There has to be a thousand walls by now. f*ck!

 

[scout86]

A couple things.

First, my own thought it's that it takes time, and being around someone in a variety of situations before you have enough evidence actually trust them. The internet is hard, because we usually only get a one dimensional view of a person.

Second, sometimes the most important thing it's what happens AFTER something goes sideways. Misunderstandings happen. People can overreact. What harkens next matters. If the person stays mad & blames everyone else, that's one thing. The person also might realize they made a mistake & apologize. There are other possibilities as well. But, sometimes it's good to wait a bit and see what happens.

 

[EveHarrington]

Lost, that person is toxic at worst, or has unhealthy traits at best.

You didn’t MAKE her feel anything. Your actions could have resulted in her feeling invalidated, but it’s not your job to manage her feelings. You didn’t purposefully set out to invalidate her. It was a misunderstanding and she chose to go off on you. Instead of talking things through, she then proceeded to lambast you in other areas. This is “I’m hurt so I’m going to take you out in any way I can” behavior.

I think when it comes to online friends, we as people who struggle with relationships and ptsd, need to be REALLY careful about who we befriend. I have had so many online friends over the years.....and I’ve only kept ONE long term (and somehow in all the years I’ve known him, we’ve only had one fight, a miracle in and of itself, all things considered, and yes, it was my fault.) So anyway, I say all of this just to point out that making online friends is quite difficult, especially since it can take awhile for red flags to pop up. Even finding someone who meshes well with us can be a daunting task!

I guess I say all this because I don’t want you to give up. You ARE lovable! Sometimes it just takes awhile to find the right kind of people. :hug:

 

[Friday]

This has really got me all which ways f*cked up. How can I believe I'm loveable or worthy of even having friends when a simple misunderstanding causes one to bail. Everyone bails on me!

Because that’s not love?

That’s not even friendship, per se, but an acquaintance / someone you know, throwing a fit.

Just because you interact with someone, doesn’t mean you know them.
Just because you know someone, doesn’t mean they’re a friend.
Just because someone is a friend, doesn’t mean you love each other.

There’s nothing wrong with acquaintances. To my way of thinking they’re one facet of a full life. The vast majority of your acquaintances? Will never become friends. That’s OKAY. Actually, it’s better than okay. Because it means 1) you have standards & aren’t attempting to force a relationship beyond its natural limits 2) you aren’t whitewashing everyone you meet into friends (or enemies) but are allowing for degrees of relationships - ie everyone isn’t equal, nor is every relationship equal. 3) It widens your social circle and provides a fuller spectrum of personality, influence, interest, etc. 4) It creates opportunity for closer relationships BUT it’s not a failure OR a failing when any of those acquaintances either don’t move up a step OR move back a step.

You’re dyslexic. Try thinking of relationships like reading.

An acquaintance not becoming a friend is like misreading a word. It doesn’t mean you can’t read. An acquaintance becoming someone you don’t want in your life is like reading something you don’t like. Just because you don’t like what you’ve read? Doesn’t mean you can’t read. People are like words. Relationships like stories. Some come easy, some come hard // some you’ll like, some you won’t like // but how easy or hard it is, how much you like what you’ve read or not? Doesn’t mean you can’t read.