This is what I read in therapy today.....
I remember one night when I was about 8 my father was really really drunk and really really angry. He was so mad, And i don’t know why. Anyhow, I tried to be really quiet so he wouldn’t notice me. I hid in the closet under the stairs under old blankets I think. I covered my ears tightly so I couldn’t hear him yell and I closed my eyes thinking if I couldn’t see him he couldn’t see me.
But he did find me, I don’t know how or why.
He was so angry and He was so drunk. I was so afraid of him I was shaking. He yelled at me for shaking and crying. He took my tiny body, picked it up and shook it like a rag doll and yelled at me to stop crying and to stop shaking. He threw me on the bed and I hit my head. I remember mom was crying telling him to stop and he told her to shut up. I held a pillow on my parents bed tightly and cried, I couldn’t stop. He was so mad. I don’t know why. At one point he’d took his belt and hit me. And then He layed on top of me and tried to have sex with me. He humped me so hard and so fast that I couldn’t breath. My small body would bounce on the bed so he had mom hold me down by my arms so he could use his fingers and hands to get his penis inside me, he even asked mom to help. I remember praying he would stop soon. the pain was awful. He was not gentle. He was so mad it wouldn’t fit. He was so mad at me. I remember him taking a small black and red knife from a drawer next to the bed showing it to me saying he could slice me open so it (his penis)could fit.
I begged him not to-saying “please daddy no-“ I promised him I would be good. He stopped.
Not sure what my therapist is thinking. But I’m ready to die. The pain of feeling and remembering memories....with no support, is awful.
I remember one night when I was about 8 my father was really really drunk and really really angry. He was so mad, And i don’t know why. Anyhow, I tried to be really quiet so he wouldn’t notice me. I hid in the closet under the stairs under old blankets I think. I covered my ears tightly so I couldn’t hear him yell and I closed my eyes thinking if I couldn’t see him he couldn’t see me.
But he did find me, I don’t know how or why.
He was so angry and He was so drunk. I was so afraid of him I was shaking. He yelled at me for shaking and crying. He took my tiny body, picked it up and shook it like a rag doll and yelled at me to stop crying and to stop shaking. He threw me on the bed and I hit my head. I remember mom was crying telling him to stop and he told her to shut up. I held a pillow on my parents bed tightly and cried, I couldn’t stop. He was so mad. I don’t know why. At one point he’d took his belt and hit me. And then He layed on top of me and tried to have sex with me. He humped me so hard and so fast that I couldn’t breath. My small body would bounce on the bed so he had mom hold me down by my arms so he could use his fingers and hands to get his penis inside me, he even asked mom to help. I remember praying he would stop soon. the pain was awful. He was not gentle. He was so mad it wouldn’t fit. He was so mad at me. I remember him taking a small black and red knife from a drawer next to the bed showing it to me saying he could slice me open so it (his penis)could fit.
I begged him not to-saying “please daddy no-“ I promised him I would be good. He stopped.
Not sure what my therapist is thinking. But I’m ready to die. The pain of feeling and remembering memories....with no support, is awful.
