Just some questions I have

[BRK1996]

Hello I am new to this and just really want to get a better understanding of myself . When I was younger , I was sexually abused and the memories just recently began to surface stronger than past years . I never understood why I would have these flashbacks in certain situations but I have come to terms with my abuse . I recently came out as gay about 2 years ago and have found a partner also come to find out struggling with the same issue . These memories didnt become strong until I realized I had fell in love with him about a year ago . They had gotten so strong but some days I had been able to just push it to the side . Now it just consumes me when Im just stationary . I constantly fear someone is trying to hurt me more emotionally than physically but Im also always prepared if someone were too , I think about it too much everytime I go to the movies a restaurant etc.. I just feel a bunch of anger and I feel so guilty for taking it out on those I love . I guess its good to mention that about a year ago he had openly told me when we were just starting to date maybe about 3 months in that he had gone on a hook up app but never did anything and that he felt so guilty . I knew he meant it , I chose to stay and be strong for him because I knew thats when he started getting bad , But in the process of trying to help him I began to get worse but he still stayed by my side . My issue is I get so anxious that hes going to do that again ... I had recently stopped giving into my anxiety no matter how much it kills me and I do not snoop through his phone . I feel so guilty everytime because I never find it . Its like sometimes I was searching for a reason and I hate it . I love him so much and I fear for no reason . He has proven that he meant that he never wanted to hurt me but I hurt myself with these intruding thoughts . I would like to know if there are any good tips on trying to stop these thoughts to getting to the point of overwhelming myself on something that isnt true . I recently started taking medication a month ago and it helps but sometimes I still find myself in that rut but not just with him , with everyone . I disassociate more lately , been getting angrier and feeling more guilty . I have been going to therapy and yesterday was the most intense session so far . I felt like a child but its like I unlocked slightly more memory than before . I also feel so sad for the child me but not me now . Its like I associate child me as a different person , I do not understand why . So if anyone has tips or helpful ideas please share . Thank you

 

[hithere]

I'm sorry I don't have any tips to offer. I just wanted to say I read your post and I understand what you have written. You explain this disorder very well. You don't want to be this way, but the brain just seems to do it anyway. I understand about feeling like a child and associating that child you to someone not you. Again, I'm sorry I don't have any tips. When I get that way somehow I sometimes am able to relax and let go and "see" the situation for what it is. However, I have no idea how I do that. Take care of yourself. You are deserving of a loving relationship.

 

[blackemerald1]

Welcome to the forum @BRK1996 -

I see that you are on medication and attending therapy. That's great - did the doctor give you a diagnosis?

These memories didnt become strong until I realized I had fell in love with him about a year ago .

^^Is this about the same time he confessed to using the app? Maybe you have trust issue's with him now and it made your memories flare? Idk..

^^Or alternatively when we finally feel secure, sometimes our brains bring up old stuff so we can process it all - once and for all.

Either way or for any other reason, it is really good you had the good sense to go and get some help.

I just feel a bunch of anger and I feel so guilty for taking it out on those I love .

^^How do you 'take it out'? Getting angry is normal but be very careful of allowing you anger to flow onto other people in ways that break down relationships and hurt them. If you are hurting and angry - find a healthy outlet or work on the underlying cause.

about a year ago he had openly told me when we were just starting to date maybe about 3 months in that he had gone on a hook up app but never did anything and that he felt so guilty . I knew he meant it , I chose to stay and be strong for him because I knew thats when he started getting bad , But in the process of trying to help him I began to get worse but he still stayed by my side .

^^So he told you something he didn't need to bring up really because you were still in the casual phase of dating?
Is this still a breach of trust in your mind? It's fine if it is - but it probably means the relationship is faltering already because even though you decided to stay in the relationship you are uncertain about him from the start.

He didn't cheat - according to him and you have no evidence to suggest he has. What is the problem with what he did?

You chose to stay. Remind yourself every time a hostile or intrusive thought comes along. You can also chose to leave. You still have choices.

My issue is I get so anxious that hes going to do that again ... I had recently stopped giving into my anxiety no matter how much it kills me and I do not snoop through his phone . I feel so guilty everytime because I never find it . Its like sometimes I was searching for a reason and I hate it . I love him so much and I fear for no reason .

^^You do look through his phone or, you don't?? It sounds like you do or at least you really want to, or have in the past. Either way this is all about trust. If you do not trust him and you know why - work on that. That gives you back choices over your own future.

The problem with constantly looking for the warning signs that someone is cheating, telling lies etc., is it never leads to feeling secure or satisfied. There is always the tiniest possibility that they might have hidden their activities too well and you have a sneaking feeling that if you keep looking, watching, searching you will discover the truth. What do you do if there really is nothing to find? Idk It's a slippery slope and it doesn't lead to a fulfilling relationship.

If you want to leave the relationship - you don't have to find evidence of cheating. You can just leave because you want to. You are free. The same applies to him of course! Can you deal with that?

It is also really hard on the accused partner because they often feel like they must justify their actions constantly and reassure their partners when they have done nothing wrong. Can you put yourself in his shoes?

It's also an intrusion of your partner's privacy. I think you either make up your mind that you want to be with him and be free of lingering doubts or you scale back the relationship so you are not so vulnerable. Your choice but living with all this uncertainty is not healthy for either of you.

It might be worth exploring what trust means to you personally and also within an intimate relationship.

if there are any good tips on trying to stop these thoughts to getting to the point of overwhelming myself on something that isnt true .

^^You said that you were abused prior to this relationship and you now have a relationship where you are not dealing with some aspects of it very well. Are the two actually connected apart from him also having endured abuse?

Can you work on both at the same time? Strengthening the relationship by making yourself better emotionally so he will want to be around you because you are a great person to be with? This will require some hard work and a lot of honesty by both of you. Best of luck moving forward.

 

[BRK1996]

We have a connection thats unreal it has been since the start. Im going to try that out telling myself there was a reason i stayed and im happy i did . I feel at ease with him like more peaceful . I do it to myself with these intrusive thoughts ive managed better lately with it . I do not look through his phone i had before and felt guilty . My anger just comes and goes it just happens . My treatment just started recently and its harder than i thought it feels like emotions come back more often of my abuse .

 

[blackemerald1]

My treatment just started recently and its harder than i thought it feels like emotions come back more often of my abuse .

^^Keep going with the treatment. It is common to feel worse before you feel better... very common.

If you can understand that you are bringing up painful events in your life, processing them properly this time because your brain didn't do it quite right when it happened and moving them on.... it takes a lot of work and it is indeed very hard. But, also totally worth it! The sense of peace and room to think about other things is so good it's addictive!!

My anger just comes and goes it just happens

^^Work hard on this for your own sake. It doesn't just happen. You really do have control of it. It's ok to be angry - anger is normal. It's not ok to hurt yourself or other people with it.

I'm so pleased for you that you have found someone who really matters to you. Make yourself the best you can be for yourself and he will reap the benefits too. :hug:

 

[BRK1996]

^^Keep going with the treatment. It is common to feel worse before you feel better... very common.

If you can understand that you are bringing up painful events in your life, processing them properly this time because your brain didn't do it quite right when it happened and moving them on.... it takes a lot of work and it is indeed very hard. But, also totally worth it! The sense of peace and room to think about other things is so good it's addictive!!



^^Work hard on this for your own sake. It doesn't just happen. You really do have control of it. It's ok to be angry - anger is normal. It's not ok to hurt yourself or other people with it.

I'm so pleased for you that you have found someone who really matters to you. Make yourself the best you can be for yourself and he will reap the benefits too. :hug:

Something as small as you sayingi chose to stay makes me feel some type of positive control over myself . It really made me think . Thank you ?

 

[EveHarrington]

I guess its good to mention that about a year ago he had openly told me when we were just starting to date maybe about 3 months in that he had gone on a hook up app but never did anything and that he felt so guilty .

This is why people need to stop with the notion that there needs to be like 1 million percent honesty.

Sigh.

Seriously, he looked at the app and said he didn’t do anything, so why the need to confess?

Oh. Right. Because HE was feeling guilty (even if for no reason), and needed to unburden his conscience busy dumping that info on you.

So now you have to deal with the idea that your guy is a potential cheater, even if he stops himself before anything happens....?

If nothing happens, nothing happens. People LOOK all the time. It’s nothing new.