Family and the holidays

[FauxLiz]

I am going back to my hometown for the Christmas holidays with my dad's birthday a couple of days before. He is turning 80 so it is a milestone birthday. The thing is I hate going back there. I hate being around my dysfunctional family and the abuse and the memories it sucks to say the least. Anyway, my siblings are pushing to take family pictures. I told them I was not in favor of it but as usual it was as though I never said a word. Now they have hired a photographer and expect me to pitch in to pay for pictures that I don't want, that I don't want to be in and I know as usual will be used to mock, ridicule and otherwise torment me for years in the future.

Any suggestions/advice for how I explain to them that I don't want to be in these pictures. How do I stand up to them when I have never been able to before. And now don't suggest I don't go because if I don't I won't see my kids for Christmas and I have no idea when I will next see my daughter. Its really starting to bother me and stress me out and as I don't have a steady T right now I don't have the support I have had over the past 4-5 years preparing me supporting, and being available to me when I return home.

 

[NaeNae75]

I would just tell them that you won't interfere in their desire to have their pictures, but as you had previously mentioned, you don't want them. You can tell them that because you don't want them, you will not be paying for them, or participating in them. Tell them that it makes you uncomfortable. Are they planning on going to have them done, or have someone there for a period of time?

I think if someone doesn't want something, their desire is as important as everyone elses. So say if you insist on having these done, let's set the time for xyz...and I will find something to do alternatively during that period of time.

 

[FauxLiz]

@NaeNae75 I really wish it was that easy. The group that will pressuring me is not just one or two people. My large immediate and extended family (spouses and children including mine) are strong-willed bullies some all other at times that number over 20. Their response to my not chipping is will fine but you will be in the pictures. I so didn't want to spiral down into SI this season, but it is already happening. Last year was the first time in 20 years I didn't attempt suicide on New Years Eve (a major anniversary) and I was holding on to go to River Oaks three days later. This year not really anything to hold on/look toward in the new year.

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 I really wish it was that easy. The group that will pressuring me is not just one or two people. My large immediate and extended family (spouses and children including mine) are strong-willed bullies some all other at times that number over 20. Their response to my not chipping is will fine but you will be in the pictures. I so didn't want to spiral down into SI this season, but it is already happening. Last year was the first time in 20 years I didn't attempt suicide on New Years Eve (a major anniversary) and I was holding on to go to River Oaks three days later. This year not really anything to hold on/look toward in the new year.

Well, it's good you're aware of how you're feeling now. It's even better that you're trying to proactively determine coping skills too. It's at least a small win, right?

Do you have any ideas you want to "put out there" and see how others might think before you put it into play? Sorry if like practice with us where you can be safe?

So many people here have good coping mechanisms... better than they give themselves credit for.

 

[FauxLiz]

my normal coping mechanism for dealing with family holidays is alcohol and meds. Not really healthy but hey I haven't killed anyone yet (major sarcasm here) but really I struggle with falling into historic family roles. I am the cook, the cleaner the one that makes sure everything is done and goes smoothly. No one but my 2 kids that will be there have any idea what I have gone through this year, they don't know the reason I didn't come home last year was because of the planned hospitalization at RO, they don't know I went back in May and they don't know I spent a week in a general psych ward this past spring.

 

[FauxLiz]

So last night I tried to express to my siblings that I do not want to take group pictures over the holiday. That I am not opposed to them doing what ever they want and not opposed to having a photographer there just don't want to be in the pictures. Immediately the guilt began, what if this is the last time we are together as a group, we were all so disappointed after your wedding when we realized that we didn't take any family pictures and then we lost our brother, we don't care how you look we love you no matter what we don't see what you see you're our sister blah blah blah. When I called them on the guilt trip it bacame, of course we won't force you to be in the pictures we wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable we just want to have history to pass down to our family.

I hate this, right now I hate them, not just dislike really hate, I am so tired of this, if it wasn't the only way to see my daughter I would cancel the trip. I am not looking for answers here, honestly I just need somewhere to go to dump this, if I was still with my former T I would at least have the comfort of knowing that I could reach out if I needed to, still trying to establish with a new therapist and even if whoever I end up with allowed between session contact without the trust and understanding I would never do it.

 

[Justmehere]

The guilt is theirs. Let them have it back. No reason to feel guilty. :hug: You’ve made your choice clear. It sounds like they might be willing to back off?

When you find out the time the photos will be taken, then maybe you can plan something fun that you can do at that time. Then it gives you an excuse. You’ll have a conflict that can’t be changed (because it’s your self care plan.) At the time of the photos, simply message them and tell them you have other plans, you won’t be in the photos, and enjoy the photo shoot! With the photographer right there, ready to go, they’ll likely just do it and get it done. If anyone tries to discuss it, you can say it’s not up for discussion and walk away. I know, easy to say, and really hard to do. :hug:

 

[FauxLiz]

So the simple cookies and coffee gathering for my dad has turned into a freaking major event and I am going into near meltdown status. I am actually praying I get pneumonia (have had sinus issues and a cough for two weeks, had the flu for a full week and really want to get to where I can't travel) so that I don't have to go on this trip. I don't wan't to deal with them, I want to escape, disappear and just stay the hell away.

 

[Nessa7]

I have been going through something similar. Spending even the littlest amount of time with my family (except maybe one on one and preferably in silence) has been completely agonizing. I haven't had to start thinking about Christmas yet, but I ended up almost entirely opting out of Thanksgiving and not regretting it.

For me, part of it has been giving myself a reality check about what I actually "have" to do. If it isn't something that would be expected of someone else, I'm making sure that it automatically goes off the lists of personal requirements. Would someone else have to have pneumonia for them to be able to not go? That's something that my family has different rules for me than for other people so it stood out to me.

Is there any way that the schedule could work out for you to miss the aspects that you're most dreading and still get to see your kids? Your dad's birthday is before Christmas, so maybe you could be too sick to go to that but recover before Christmas itself?

 

[Friday]

I am actually praying I get pneumonia (have had sinus issues and a cough for two weeks, had the flu for a full week and really want to get to where I can't travel) so that I don't have to go on this trip. I don't wan't to deal with them, I want to escape, disappear and just stay the hell away.

If the only reason to go is to see your daughter, maybe arrange to meet up with her for a girls’ weekend at a hotel/spa?

 

[Abstract]

can you arrange to see your children the day after and do something nice with them? I dont think you should go to this. Seems very unwise. Would they spend christmas with you instead?

 

[MyWillow]

@FauxLiz I don’t envy you at all. Sadly I imagine a lot of us can relate.

I have not been a part of family Christmas for 15 years and that’s way BEFORE I actually realised I had some shit to deal with. What strikes me is the dramatic push back I get from family when I set boundaries. When I set boundaries with “regular folk” they accept it. My family push the guilt down my throat, hear what they want me to say, rather than what I actually say and make me feel as though I want to wrap my car around a tree. I now have very limited contact. It’s so difficult and I wish you well as you decide how to approach this. I do like @Friday’S idea.