Sufferer to Supporter - Being open. How much is enough?

[Warrior Chicken]

I’m not sure how to start this off, both in my relationship or in this thread.....it circles around judgement, but my own is always far worse than others. So, I’ll try.
My relationship has taken dedication and work on both sides to get to the point where we can say it’s a stable one as far as ptsd is concerned. I’m learning how to be more open at the moment, which is not something I enjoy and it feels very dangerous. Especially at this time of year due to an anniversary that’s approaching.

Never mind all that, what I’m curious about is how much do you want to know as a supporter when it comes to triggers for your sufferer?
I imagine it’s an individual thing, but since I’m trying to learn even the basics of openness, gauging what others need might give those of us at this same stage some points to ponder.

Granted there are some things I can’t or won’t ever share, it’s the obvious ones.....being a passenger in a vehicle when the destination is unknown or vague, smell of diesel, crowds, etc (I don’t want to get more detailed than that so I don’t trigger anyone else!)
I hope my question makes sense.....if not let me know and I’ll try to clarify.

Any sufferers willing to share their own path with openness? I’d be grateful for insight.

 

[Teasel]

Any sufferers willing to share their own path with openness?

It's baby steps for me. Recently been opening up a little bit more. It can be frightening and I've not much past experience if it going well but I think it's going better than it did in the past.

 

[Freida]

This is a great question! I'm never quite sure how much my supporters really want to know - both in terms of triggers and experiences. So, in my best ptsd style, I try to just tough it out. :laugh:

 

[EveHarrington]

Any sufferers willing to share their own path with openness? I’d be grateful for insight.

I sort of just share everything. Ok, so that doesn’t say much about the path... I guess you could say that I share my triggers when it’s either A) necessary or B) just feels like the right time.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thank you all for weighing in! When it comes to baby steps.....ah wow do I completely understand and get so frustrated when I desperately want those steps to be adult size! Very accurate though, I think if we go too fast it’s hard to stabilize....or is that just me?

@Freida thats me, tough it, rough it, mask it, stay invisible. But I think you manage a balance between toughing it and showing a side of you to those you care about. At least I see that here which is incredible.

@EveHarrington what you said had me thinking lots....both options A & B. Maybe there’s no way to tell but if there are....how do you know which one to choose?
Damn choices. Decisions. Grrrr

 

[somerandomguy]

The nature of my abuse required me to be extremely open in any potential relationships right off the bat, which was pretty difficult, took some time to figure out, and cost me more than one potential relationship.

Now that I'm in a stable relationship and started to work on my healing, I have been pretty open about the things I've been discovering about myself and my previous abusive relationships. It hasn't been a walk in the park - my partner is kind of a know-it-all, which has led to some preventable arguments. But I do feel like I need to disclose things that could be an issue between us or things that could trigger me, now or in the future.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’d rather know as much as he is willing to tell me. I don’t need details or specifics, and I would never ever push or outright ask him to tell me anything he wasn’t comfortable with, but I need to know what’s going on.

Him being stressed or triggered effects our relationship. I’m the one who is the closest target for lashing out behaviors, emotional shut-outs, etc. If he expects patience from me, I need to know what to be patient about. Triggered or stressed may feel like it’s the most obvious thing in the world to a sufferer, but from the outside we can’t always tell. Sometimes it takes me awhile to get from “wow, he’s being a total dick today” to “oh man, xyz set him off for sure. Better give him a little space and compassion.” This is still after years together and knowing a lot of his trauma history in detail.

Also, if he is triggered or stressed by everyday things I’m oblivious to, he needs to let me know so I can adjust my behaviors. A lot of supporters have to deal with anger and our sufferers blaming us for their triggers. We did xyz to trigger them etc. It took me awhile to learn not to take that responsibility. I’m not triggering him. HE is being triggered. He has to own it. However, I do have empathy and compassion, and I realize it is beyond his control. If a simple change can make things easier for him, I’m more than happy to accommodate. Like I know to lay the cardboard in the recycling perfectly flat, and I know I can’t eat corn chips around him. How could anybody guess things like that would trigger somebody unless they’re told? I’d rather be told about stuff like that than to be told I’m “cruel and toxic,” and “this relationship will never work”, and get “the f*ck out of my sight” because I’m “so selfish”... for eating Fritos. Which happened once, because I didn’t know about the smell.

 

[MyWillow]

This is so hard at the moment for me....my partner - who is lovely and supportive and well meaning - inadvertently triggers flashbacks (mostly visual followed by emotional) for me that involve 3 different key individuals. One is emotional neglect, one is violence and one is...well let’s not go there because I can’t just yet.

I don’t share much only because I’m struggling to get my head around it. When I describe it I try to do so without emotion. And warn him that I need to tell him about X with zero emotion and I need him to do Y and Z in response.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

this is all great and I’m thankful for the different perspectives, it really helps me to articulate what’s going on for me but also to understand that there are so many variations to how others cope and manage in relationships.

@Sweetpea76 what you said helped me to understand the level of patience and compassion you have, like you said:

I’d rather be told about stuff like that than to be told I’m “cruel and toxic,” and “this relationship will never work”, and get “the f*ck out of my sight” because I’m “so selfish”

I understand what you explained above, but am the opposite, everything turns inwards with me and I isolate. My SO has learned to pick up on it but it’s often challenging....that’s something I’m trying to work at really hard right now.

if he is triggered or stressed by everyday things I’m oblivious to, he needs to let me know so I can adjust my behaviors.

^^^^ Yes, 100% right.....and that’s the challenge I have. Want to, understand he needs that, but haven’t figured quite how yet.....baby steps I know. Grrrrr

But I do feel like I need to disclose things that could be an issue between us or things that could trigger me, now or in the future.

How do you do that? If I can ask?

@MyWillow sorry that it’s a struggle for you with this too....
And that it brings you triggers. Hate that part so much.

I’m glad to have all of your support and hope to give back as well.

 

[somerandomguy]

How do you do that? If I can ask?

Not always very well, unfortunately. Sometimes not until I've actually been triggered.

My triggery stuff is mostly sex stuff. If I want to have a sexual relationship, I have to let her know what works and what doesn't. Sadly we figured most of it out by trial and error, which was really, really hard on our everyday relationship. But now I can pretty much guess what will happen if we do X or Y or talk about Z and can stop before it happens and, on a good day, redirect to something else.

Sometimes my partner pushes it, though, and ends up triggering me. In those cases I just have to ask her not to do it again and hope she takes it seriously.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Warrior Chicken have you asked your partner if they’ve noticed anything in particular that seems to trigger you or cause you to react? My vet and I have had some interesting conversations that started when I asked him about something I’ve noticed. “Does xyz bother you? I’ve noticed you don’t seem to care for it”, etc. Sometimes he doesn’t realize he is doing something and it makes him stop and think. Sometimes he opens right up.

Maybe if you ask your partner what they notice you can open up a dialogue? It may surprise you what they see. Perhaps it can help the baby step process.

 

[stormyweather457]

I’d rather know as much as he is willing to tell me. I don’t need details or specifics, and I would never ever push or outright ask him to tell me anything he wasn’t comfortable with, but I need to know what’s going on.

This. As much as possible. I wouldn't ask why or discuss it with him unless he wanted to elaborate. My guy's house is walking distance from both my office and my gym, so I would pop by sometimes if I were on my way somewhere just to hug and say hi. Had no idea that even in broad daylight, unexpected shadows and noises on the porch can sometimes transport him straight back to Iraq (this was before we had discussed his PTSD much. All I knew at the time is that he had nightmares.) I have a feeling there are lots of other triggers that he tries to just "tough out" in an effort to inconvenience others as little as possible. Trust us, we would much rather be inconvenienced...