The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[littleoc]

Absence of warmth does not a autistic make and warmth doesn't exclude one from autism, is my opinion.

Agreed. My twin brother is autistic (not Aspie, a different part of the spectrum) and he’s even cuddly. Being autistic doesn’t mean becoming sociopathic or rude or robotic. Which sounds a little like that person was suggesting. I could be wrong, though. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Agreed. My twin brother is autistic (not Aspie, a different part of the spectrum) and he’s even cuddly. Being autistic doesn’t mean becoming sociopathic or rude or robotic. Which sounds a little like that person was suggesting. I could be wrong, though. :hug:

My autistic son is very sociable, cuddly and friendly, also.
I asked people on the autism site and a couple of women answered and said the same thing as I have about being female and how it's harder, lots of us are very empathetic and social so we don't "look" autistic and that it's a huge spectrum so you get all types of people. These psychiatrists don't have a clue, obviously.

 

[littleoc]

No, they don't seem to. That's not enough of a reason to not look at you for it. :/

 

[mumstheword]

It's got to the point where I'm shutting down, internally, towards the psychiatrist that I'm seeing up here. I'm shutting off to her.
I'm not struggling with dissociation. I'm struggling with a processing/learning issue. I've realised that my high functioning autism is kind of an asset, in terms of "trauma work" , because I throw myself into whatever I m focused on %100, so I make A LOT of progress in that thing, and, because there was no alternate, I focused on trauma processing, this year, and my progress has been AMAZING.
I'm really, so happy with myself, for how far I've come, this year.
I no longer feel that my trauma past is debilitating me. I do feel that my ASD being taken into account, has made a big difference to how I see myself, and cutting myself extra slack about things like, the neighbor coming over and how that throws me totally the f*ck out, the not handling my parents very much, the huge energy it takes to just parent my kid's.
Of course, the shrink says all my problem's can be attributed to trauma, but like my guy says, she doesn't really know me or my family of origin.

I put on a particular face for her and she doesn't "see" me through the eyes of someone who understands Aspie females, only the eyes of someone who sees people for trauma day in and day out.
It's ok. I'll seek other counsel. And I'll keep doing what I'm doing, for the trauma, like journaling here, stuff that, I know, is working.
I am lined up to do an 18 week group down in my area, next year.
The biggest thing, is I've stopped pushing myself so hard, and trying to fit any kind of mold or behave in any way to "be accepted" be approvable, be "normal", I'm just practising being totally ok with me, as I am.

 

[Freida]

The biggest thing, is I've stopped pushing myself so hard, and trying to fit any kind of mold or behave in any way to "be accepted" be approvable, be "normal", I'm just practising being totally ok with me, as I am.

love that!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks @Freida, for this

love that!!!!

Hospital is working for me. Brain is rewiring. It's tough going sometimes, but certainly no more than the outside world.

Topic for the week is "Coping with memories and flashbacks".


I didn't vote for it.

I didn't get any support around getting ASD diagnosis either, but I've made some significant inroads into trauma recovery.

It turns out my sister (my Dad's only other daughter, by another mother) believes she has high functioning Autism as well. Her son is already diagnosed, and she believes her just five year old daughter is on the spectrum too. I mentioned it to my psych but didn't push the diagnosic agenda, coz I only have this week, then I'm going home. Turns out there is a neuropsychiatrist, who's available in the hospital, but my psych didn't tell me that, a nurse told me.

Too late now.

I chose to utilize my psych's strengths as a trauma specialist and work on working through some family grief-trauma-stress issues with her and leave the ASD stuff to bring up with my GP.

Also did some advocacy in relation to my moderate-to-low functioning autistic son.

He's been having some pretty severe meltdown responses to the "restrictive practise" (not allowed to game or be on his computer all night) his home support workers are obliged to enforce. He threw his computer at one the other day, police were called. I explained that he has undiagnosed ASD and that his previous pdoc agreed with me, although, he didn't have the expertise to make the diagnosis.

His team leader worker from his accommodation and his mental health case worker are pursuing this lead.

He should recieve more NDIS funding to support him with behavioural management and emotional regulation. God, I speak bloody "social servicese". Too much time training in the field and advocacy to those peeps. I guess I helps, but my ASD and trauma hold me back from being a more effective "squeaky wheel". I feel. I've been.asking for some psychological support for my son for six years and he still hasn't got it.
I want to be there for him more!
Getting a uni room close by should be a step in the right direction in supporting him more. The "Villa" (what his supported accomodation is called) peeps support me in regards to being open to me spending more time with my boy-man (he's 26, but is still very much a boy in every way but age and physique).

Oh buffet style hospital lunch time :) gotta go.

 

[Freida]

but I've made some significant inroads into trauma recovery.

yay!!! so happy it is helping! :hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@mumstheword )))
I am hopelessly behind on your diary! I am so sorry I haven't been here for you... you are SUPER SPECIAL and deserve all the healing that is possible!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you darling @AngelkeeperJ !

 

[mumstheword]

I'm not doing well.

They moved me to another ward because I couldn't get home until tomorrow.
My guy is working.

The trauma ward is shut for christmas so I'm in another ward. A horrible ward.

They don't talk to you. I don't know anything about it, coz nobody showed me around or told me anything. I don't do so well with change, that's not change of my choosing. I'm scared. I'm tired. I wanted to go shopping, more christmas shopping, for my babies (ok grown up and/or very tall babies), coz there's a huge mall across the road, but I'm feeling symptomatic so that won't be happening.
I'm alone. No one to talk to. My guy will be kind of happy because he doesn't like or enjoy me coming up to this place, and now I'm feeling so unsafe, I don't want to come back, either. He will also feel bad that he chose work and that has put me in this position and it's making me more unwell. It's doing the opposite of what coming here was supposed to do.
Back to frozen, fearful, alone, hiding, grieving.

I considered getting up early, writing a note to the nurses at the nurses station, telling them I have gone over to the shops. That I have Aspergers and PTSD and I don't trust them to even know that I'm alllowed out on leave. A nurse back at TDU (the ward I was in, stands for Trauma & Dissociation Unit) had been looking in my file, yesterday, for a note from my doctor to say I had leave and she couldn't find it. I showed her the leave book and how many times I'd been out, but that book stays in the ward that is now shut for Christmas.

So I was going to bail for the day, but I woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to sleep for hours and now I'm just too tired and fragile to go to a busy ginormous mall.

The nurses poke their noses into your room but they don't talk to you, don't ask you if you're ok, and I'm new! I don't know anything about that ward.

I grew up out in the bush, all my babies were born out in the bush, on the road or in outlaw town (Nimbin, where I live), I'm a raggedy feral human, a wildling, a renegade, a fringe dwelling outcast outlaw type, so this is not my world!

That's one of the reasons I chose to come to a psych hospital (the main reason being they have a program for trauma) I came to work on overcoming my fear and paranoia of the medical system and this experience of being dehumanized and just shoved in a ward where no one talks to you, shows you around, enquires or cares if you are doing ok, is confirming why I've avoided psychiatric hospitals all these years of being unwell, but, too afraid and not trusting that they would help me, instead that they would add to my trauma.

So I'm being my Aspie traumatised self and hiding and feeling crappy, with no one, but you guys, to reach out to. I tried ringing my guy, but he's working and not picking up.

I don't know how to reach out and get my needs met. I'm very bad at knowing if people are safe, unless they can demonstrate to me that they are.

 

[littleoc]

That sounds like my last hospital stay, which sucked because I was terrified. I wish I had some advice for you, but maybe you should ask if there is a therapist who might help test you, even outside the hospital?

Try to learn whatever skills you can regardless. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

That sounds like my last hospital stay, which sucked because I was terrified. I wish I had some advice for you, but maybe you should ask if there is a therapist who might help test you, even outside the hospital?

Try to learn whatever skills you can regardless. :hug:

Thank you @littleoc. I'm feeling better, I've had some friendly input from other patients. I'm currently hanging out in the lounge of my old ward and I feel way more comfortable. Also had some diazepam to take the edge off. Only one more night and I'm out of here.
I can do this!
Thanks for your support.:-)