The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[littleoc]

Oh, good!!!

And of course :hug:

 

[Freida]

I don't know how to reach out and get my needs met. I'm very bad at knowing if people are safe, unless they can demonstrate to me that they are.

oh mums. I'm so very, very sorry. I can't believe they did this to you. Can you show them your post? Maybe seeing it written out will get your needs across??
This is just so wrong... :( :hug:

 

[Freida]

ah!! just saw your update! Whew. much happier for you now :)

 

[mumstheword]

oh mums. I'm so very, very sorry. I can't believe they did this to you. Can you show them your post? Maybe seeing it written out will get your needs across??
This is just so wrong... :( :hug:

There's no one that seems, remotely, to care. This ward is huge, but half empty. I am having all the meds I'm allowed. I have to wait half an hour and I think I'm allowed a bit more diazapam. Tonight I will have the full 20 mls instead of just 10. I've never done pharmy meds before I came up here.

In my (old) ward nurses were (mostly) very approachable. I don't know what the deal is here, coz no one told me. I'm bad at "just knowing" in any social context. I'm good at music improv, but bad at social improv, too many variables, too many unknowns, too much fear fuelled by "the beast" we all know about.

Humans are such a scary lot, for me (in general)!!!!!
I'm hiding in my room again and watching Dr Who on my ph, netflicks.
Counting down til I can have some more valium. I hope I'm allowed.
It's a shame because I had a lot of body work yesterday, and it was soooo relaxing and I felt AMAZING after it, but this ward change has me all in a shamozzle.
One more night, as much medication as I'm allowed, Dr Who, and hopefully, I can.talk to my guy later and find out when he'll be up here, tomorrow.

Oh I had a good convo with my Dad, we are bonding over the shared autistic traits and I feel closer to him and my half sister and it's coz of this Aspie awareness I now am so sure of. I WILL be recognised and validated, by the medical community, eventually. I feel like becoming a bit of an autism advocate/activist.

 

[mumstheword]

There's an irish nurse, who gave me my meds, who was lovely. I told her that the change was hard on me and she understood. She worked up in TDU in the past week and she was very sweet and approachable, I think she's on tonight, not sure, anyway, that helped. Plus one of the ladies from TDU was put in the room next to mine and that's helping too.
I'm feeling better again. The valium's good and I just had dinner and it's wind down for the night time. I'm looking forward to the double dose of tamazapam tonight and it should do the trick for a decent nights sleep, then its home tomorrow!!!!!
Yay!!!! Can't wait to see my guy and my kid :).

 

[littleoc]

Oh, I bet!!!!! So exciting!!!!!

Glad you’re feeling well!!

 

[mumstheword]

These last few hours, waiting to be picked up, not knowing when, are hard.
My guy's son lives up here in Brisbane now. I helped raise him from 11 to 19, now he is living with his, very sick, mum.
She just had an operation to remove tumors from her breast. Anyway, my guy is visiting them first, so, yeah, a stop before he drops in here to whisk me away.

I can't ask him to hurry, I just have to wait, not knowing how long. Sometimes he's on time, but lots of the time he takes hours longer than anticipated. That's hard for me, very challenging and can be where I get really dysregulated. I don't want to take valium today. I've been dipping in to it, pretty heavily, the last couple of days and my body needs a break, so it's endurance and work-really-hard
-on-keeping-it-together time.

There's something about the not-knowing and waiting that really throws me. It's a horrible limbo. Lots of memories of waiting and waiting and lots of memories of nobody coming, nobody being there. It's just me, fending for myself, I can't drive, so I'm always waiting for other's to take me places. I'm never in control. I'm always at the mercy of other's and when THEY decide to come, or when they are able.

Granted they are not always in control either, but the driver's still have more control than I. I don't like that. Being vunerable to, and reliant on, other's, spells danger to my limbic brain.

It reminds me of grief, of being small and vulnerable and utterly reliant, and nobody being there, nobody caring, instead, punishing me for needing them; her, my mum, my angry, angry, resentful, violent, untreated borderliney mum. My gaslighty mum. My selfish, narcissistic, scary mum. My confusing, belittling mum. My obsessed-with- whatever-man-she-was-with mum. My screams-a-lot mum. My ALWAYS LATE mum.

No wonder it feels triggery waiting, she used to make me wait for hours, waiting by the side of the road to be picked up after school. That sort of thing.

Being reliant on other's - scary.

Waiting to be picked up and not know when - triggery.

Being in a impersonal, unknown ward in a psychiatric hospital - unpleasant, unsettling, a little depressing and demoralizing.

At least my room is nice and private. I have a huge shower room and a lovely view of treetops and my painting-in-progress.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

???(((Lil Mums) ???
I am sorry you are having to wait! Just the thought tightens my stomach up FOR you! It's a horrible feeling, especially if you've ever experienced being forgotten or left behind.?

I hope your home coming goes well and that you will be able to get your son more services geared to what his needs are. You are an AWESOME advocate for your children and you are a good advocate for your OWN health which is also being a good mom.???

Truly, the BEST thing we can do for our loved ones, is to be as healthy as possible ourselves in order to be able to help them. ?

I am going to be better at seeing how you are doing. I do think of you often and pray for you when I do. I pray that you will have strength and clarity as you go home in time for Christmas.?

Blessings and hugs to you and yours!??

 

[Freida]

wow -- have you ever told your guy about that? How it feels when he is late? Because that is a really big deal. If he doesn't realize it I'm guessing he will be mortified he made you wait, and if he does know about it?? Well... there may be a feather duster in his future. Just sayin.

Maybe show him that post??

 

[Swift]

Much support and love mums.

 

[mumstheword]

wow -- have you ever told your guy about that? How it feels when he is late? Because that is a really big deal. If he doesn't realize it I'm guessing he will be mortified he made you wait, and if he does know about it?? Well... there may be a feather duster in his future. Just sayin.

Maybe show him that post??

He knows. He has the same co morbidity's as me though, so I don't want to add to his stress. He also has an ABI (an aquired brain injury). I don't want to lose him, so I don't want to stress him out so he speeds more and has an accident, so yeah, I want him safe, more than I want him to not keep me waiting. He tries his best, he does amazingly, considering his own challenge.
I rang him. He could tell I was having a hard time. But his son's mum might be dying, so it would be selfish of me to pressure him to hurry up out of there.

I'm really feeling the comorbidity of PTSD and ASD today. Also, I'm frustrated and disgruntled that the psychiatrist failed to support me or help with get my ASD diagnosis.
I found out my Dad's other daughter has it too, and her children. It's weird, I should call her my sister but ...yeeah...long story.
Ooh my guy is here!!! :):):):):)


Later; Home again! Yay! :) tired, sick-feeling, have to catch two buses for a group therapy initial meeting this morning, early buses. Better go. Love to you all.:)

 

[NatBird]

Or maybe this is such a HUGE uncertainty that it's harder to deal with than other things? If that makes sense? And even if it turns out to be DID that just means we have more of you to love! :hug:

aaaaah beautiful image. thank you for sharing:)