The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ILoveLife]

:hug: Sorry I haven't been around. How are you today? Love you

 

[Freida]

He knows. He has the same co morbidity's as me though, so I don't want to add to his stress. He also has an ABI (an aquired brain injury). I don't want to lose him, so I don't want to stress him out so he speeds more and has an accident, so yeah, I want him safe, more than I want him to not keep me waiting. He tries his best, he does amazingly, considering his own challenge.
I rang him. He could tell I was having a hard time. But his son's mum might be dying, so it would be selfish of me to pressure him to hurry up out of there.

ahhh.... gotcha! This makes him better LOL :hug:

 

[NatBird]

My autistic son is very sociable, cuddly and friendly, also.
I asked people on the autism site and a couple of women answered and said the same thing as I have about being female and how it's harder, lots of us are very empathetic and social so we don't "look" autistic and that it's a huge spectrum so you get all types of people. These psychiatrists don't have a clue, obviously.

agree, the ASD friends i have are very empathetic and affectionate, the latter often not expressed physically but that relates to trauma. i also dismissed being ASD as i didn't feel i met some of the soft/social characteristics.
i think ASD is very misundertsood and everyone is still learning about it, including those that think they 'know' so don't ask any questions.

hope you don't mind me throwing my two pence worth in

 

[NatBird]

I'm not doing well.

They moved me to another ward because I couldn't get home until tomorrow.
My guy is working.

The trauma ward is shut for christmas so I'm in another ward. A horrible ward.

They don't talk to you. I don't know anything about it, coz nobody showed me around or told me anything. I don't do so well with change, that's not change of my choosing. I'm scared. I'm tired. I wanted to go shopping, more christmas shopping, for my babies (ok grown up and/or very tall babies), coz there's a huge mall across the road, but I'm feeling symptomatic so that won't be happening.
I'm alone. No one to talk to. My guy will be kind of happy because he doesn't like or enjoy me coming up to this place, and now I'm feeling so unsafe, I don't want to come back, either. He will also feel bad that he chose work and that has put me in this position and it's making me more unwell. It's doing the opposite of what coming here was supposed to do.
Back to frozen, fearful, alone, hiding, grieving.

I considered getting up early, writing a note to the nurses at the nurses station, telling them I have gone over to the shops. That I have Aspergers and PTSD and I don't trust them to even know that I'm alllowed out on leave. A nurse back at TDU (the ward I was in, stands for Trauma & Dissociation Unit) had been looking in my file, yesterday, for a note from my doctor to say I had leave and she couldn't find it. I showed her the leave book and how many times I'd been out, but that book stays in the ward that is now shut for Christmas.

So I was going to bail for the day, but I woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to sleep for hours and now I'm just too tired and fragile to go to a busy ginormous mall.

The nurses poke their noses into your room but they don't talk to you, don't ask you if you're ok, and I'm new! I don't know anything about that ward.

I grew up out in the bush, all my babies were born out in the bush, on the road or in outlaw town (Nimbin, where I live), I'm a raggedy feral human, a wildling, a renegade, a fringe dwelling outcast outlaw type, so this is not my world!

That's one of the reasons I chose to come to a psych hospital (the main reason being they have a program for trauma) I came to work on overcoming my fear and paranoia of the medical system and this experience of being dehumanized and just shoved in a ward where no one talks to you, shows you around, enquires or cares if you are doing ok, is confirming why I've avoided psychiatric hospitals all these years of being unwell, but, too afraid and not trusting that they would help me, instead that they would add to my trauma.

So I'm being my Aspie traumatised self and hiding and feeling crappy, with no one, but you guys, to reach out to. I tried ringing my guy, but he's working and not picking up.

I don't know how to reach out and get my needs met. I'm very bad at knowing if people are safe, unless they can demonstrate to me that they are.

it makes sense that you trust people who demonstrate they can be trusted

i'm sorry you haven't had a good experience and received the care that you need right now, at the same time glad you have confirmed your 'knowing' - you can trust yourself:)

wishing you a gentle transition into being back at home with you crew

 

[mumstheword]

T

it makes sense that you trust people who demonstrate they can be trusted

i'm sorry you haven't had a good experience and received the care that you need right now, at the same time glad you have confirmed your 'knowing' - you can trust yourself:)

wishing you a gentle transition into being back at home with you crew

Thank you lovely Natbird! :)
I'm home and happy!
Ok, we had a meltdown at each other last night, but that was after I had to catch two buses to be interviewed for a "childhood sexual abuse" group therapy program. I was so wiped! And he was wiped from excessive working in the rain (home removalist) and having to drive hours in the rain to pick me up after lots of huge, working days and having to feed and take care of my son, while I was away.

They were kind ladies. They kept thanking for for going to all the effort to get there. Too top it all off it was raining and I had to get up super early, catch a bus, wait an hour each time between buses, got a bit lost, in the rain, trying to find the place, and we had got back late and had a late night, the night before.

I think they were a bit blown away that I went to so much effort to get there.
I told them "yeah, when I commit to something I put my all in; %100" and it's been "trauma recovery" for the last while (couple of years? ) "Well ya get out what ya put in" we agreed.
I'm glad to be home! Really tired today, but happy.:)

 

[NatBird]

T

Thank you lovely Natbird! :)
I'm home and happy!
Ok, we had a meltdown at each other last night, but that was after I had to catch two buses to be interviewed for a "childhood sexual abuse" group therapy program. I was so wiped! And he was wiped from excessive working in the rain (home removalist) and having to drive hours in the rain to pick me up after lots of huge, working days and having to feed and take care of my son, while I was away.

They were kind ladies. They kept thanking for for going to all the effort to get there. Too top it all off it was raining and I had to get up super early, catch a bus, wait an hour each time between buses, got a bit lost, in the rain, trying to find the place, and we had got back late and had a late night, the night before.

I think they were a bit blown away that I went to so much effort to get there.
I told them "yeah, when I commit to something I put my all in; %100" and it's been "trauma recovery" for the last while (couple of years? ) "Well ya get out what ya put in" we agreed.
I'm glad to be home! Really tired today, but happy.:)

really proud of you and have much admiration for the way you keep such an open perspective on things that would make me close down or scurry back to my shell, for a while at least

the CSA interview sounds intense. how did you experience it?

please take care. i don't know if we are similar in this respect but sometimes i can be unaware of the strong feelings that come up around talking through the gunk (as i call it)

sending an admiring hug if welcome:)

 

[NatBird]

really proud of you and have much admiration for the way you keep such an open perspective on things that would make me close down or scurry back to my shell, for a while at least

the CSA interview sounds intense. how did you experience it?

please take care. i don't know if we are similar in this respect but sometimes i can be unaware of the strong feelings that come up around talking through the gunk (as i call it)

sending an admiring hug if welcome:)

also appreciate asking you how you experienced the interview in light of what i just said was a bt stupid! just didn't wnt to impose my own feelings...

hope you get to marinate in being with you kin again

 

[NatBird]

passing by :)

 

[mumstheword]

Appreciloving you for being @NatBird.
In answer to your question, I wasn't aware of feeling much at the time, but my body felt, so exhausting and kind of "shaky" a bit like a state of mild body shock.

I had a "flashback" (only recently learnt what these actually were, last week) last night and, well, horrible is a word that fits..

I, ashamedly took valium, because I knew my partner wouldn't cope, seeing me in that state. He came back as it was ending and was still freaked out.


I "zonked out" and have been all today.

It's very, very hot and humid here.
Luckily, he's working today. He's been constantly overextended for weeks and his shortness of patience was not something I could cope with. Bunch of other triggery and stress factors came into the "flashback" episode, including the neighbor, his friend, which I can't mention to him, because he will be irritated and intolerant towards me about it, which is one of the factors too.

He spent all evening on a mission for her.

I'm definitely not going to be able to escape to a uni room either and looking at what was required has put me off going back to my degree entirely. Way too corporatey and exploitative, with no real advantage, for me, for the costs involved, so I may be finished with my plans to finish my degree. For now, at least.

After the "flashback" I'm not sure how I'll go staying out of hospital, next year.


I did have a good day at home, the day before yesterday, just, purely being domestic, and got a haircut, which I like, yesterday. I've been to a hairdressers,about five times in my entire life.

I have curly hair. But it's not 'fro curls. It's just messy does-it's-own-thing, ringlety-curly hair.

I slept most of today and it's after 3 now.
Part of me feels disappointed about that and part resigned. I feel numb inside. Apathetic. Part of me just accepts that I broke myself; pushed myself too hard, all those babies, all that stress, not realizing I was autistic until recently.

So I have to accept my brain overloads, I go into meltdown or shutdown. I can't really afford to, but I do, it's just what happens.

I'm really struggling. Yesterday's meltdown flashback had me feeling borderliney, I realise I used to be like that a lot of the time and now, only occasionally. I don't know how I survived it, or if I could survive every episode, but my children being taken into account means that I can never act on the self destruct or self harm feelings. I haven't been able to since I had children.

Self harm feels like an indulgence I can't afford, but I've done other stuff to f*ck my life up covertly, I guess. Food abuse, in particular, always a big one for me.

Luckily, in general, I prefer to eat healthily.

Today I cooked brown rice, fried some curried sunflower seeds and sesame seeds, poached eggs and added kimchi, fresh tomato, spring onions, rocket leaves, chapotle sauce , my own salad dressing mix with olive oil, Himalayan salt, pepper, chilli vinegar, and cayenne pepper and red onion. Yum. All in with the rice of course.

That was all I've been able to do today.

Couldn't even do any mothering, yet, my kid just started holidays.

He is thirteen though.

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks for popping in :-) @ladee and @Freida.
I m really enjoying the quiet. It's very quiet here. All the neighbors are out, I think. All I can hear is whip birds, cicadas and the fan :-) lovely.:-). It's finally cooling down at 5.30.
Also lovely.
A very inactive day. They did warn me, at the hospital, about the possibility of a "post TDU crash". It helped, coz I didn't freak out too much.

A bit disappointing coz I just feel so "low-functioning" these days. I've still come a long way though and inside, I feel quite peaceful and accepting, now.

I'm accepting "This is me" -. A warm autistic female human, a bit dissociative and odd, with a damaged ptsdy brain, lots of children, artistic and social sciencey and welfarey, healingy, inclinations. A tad intellectual. Quite a "Romantic" (era not the modern.lovey -dovey definition, although that too. At present, unemployed, a "home maker". I live in a rebel town, a misfit city (although it's more a village, but."misfit city" has a pleasing ring to it. I rub shoulders with a lot of criminal types, outcasts, artists and environmentalists. But I think I'm moving towards a simpler, more "respectable" included life. Coz one thing I know a lot about, and that's being excluded, left out, ignored, cast aside and rejected.

It's pretty sad and tragic, but being sexually preyed on, was a step up from being ignored, kicked out and rejected. I chose exploitation over total exclusion and I think kink is a bit exciting for me. I didn't realise, until last night, I have been very compartmentalized and dissociative over those "r word" experiences. Totally dissociated. I choose to not torture myself over past sexual abuse, but then, I haven't had it that bad, not that bad, at all, compared to many, many people.

In my case, I don't think that stuff is my main problematic issue(s). My main stuff is being a social outcast.
Somatic sex-pain stuff? I sort of ignore it. Even get off on it. Masochism has always been a bit of a thing with me, only I'm not bad about it now. Its mild. Relatively healthy.

Ooooohhhh we are getting a summer storm!!!! It's exciting!

Abandonment issues are a big thing with me. I realised that last night, again, coz the flashback was a very young part, feeling utterly abandoned and grieving and frightened.
I remembered that promise I made to myself, about not abandoning or abusing myself anymore. It helped. I had a bath. It helped a bit. I hid from my guy, when he came home. I hid down the back, in the garden, in the dark. I.made a few keening sobbing sounds. That helped too.

I came up when the benzos kicked in. I get scared when I'm out of control like that, because I've been punished a lot, for suffering and being distressed, like that.

I said that to my guy. He wasn't the best himself. I told him I was having a "flashback" he said "What does that mean?" in a very irritated way. I wasn't happy about having to explain what that meant.
It could have escalated into a horrible fight, but I did what he does for me a lot, when I'm in a crappy ruminating space, I distracted us both by getting him to focus on the new orchid he brought home and to show me. Orchids are our mutual self soothing distraction thing.

It is a gorgeous giant petalled white-with-tiny-stripes-of-purple-red-bright yellow and pale green phalenopsis.

My guy is obsessive Aspie focused on orchids.

My latest obsessive interests include learning about autism and watching Dr Who.

 

[mumstheword]

It's very stormy! Loud thunder, lightening, rain, the works!
Lovely summer storm!

 

[NatBird]

Appreciloving you for being @NatBird.
In answer to your question, I wasn't aware of feeling much at the time, but my body felt, so exhausting and kind of "shaky" a bit like a state of mild body shock.

I had a "flashback" (only recently learnt what these actually were, last week) last night and, well, horrible is a word that fits..

I, ashamedly took valium, because I knew my partner wouldn't cope, seeing me in that state. He came back as it was ending and was still freaked out.


I "zonked out" and have been all today.

It's very, very hot and humid here.
Luckily, he's working today. He's been constantly overextended for weeks and his shortness of patience was not something I could cope with. Bunch of other triggery and stress factors came into the "flashback" episode, including the neighbor, his friend, which I can't mention to him, because he will be irritated and intolerant towards me about it, which is one of the factors too.

He spent all evening on a mission for her.

I'm definitely not going to be able to escape to a uni room either and looking at what was required has put me off going back to my degree entirely. Way too corporatey and exploitative, with no real advantage, for me, for the costs involved, so I may be finished with my plans to finish my degree. For now, at least.

After the "flashback" I'm not sure how I'll go staying out of hospital, next year.


I did have a good day at home, the day before yesterday, just, purely being domestic, and got a haircut, which I like, yesterday. I've been to a hairdressers,about five times in my entire life.

I have curly hair. But it's not 'fro curls. It's just messy does-it's-own-thing, ringlety-curly hair.

I slept most of today and it's after 3 now.
Part of me feels disappointed about that and part resigned. I feel numb inside. Apathetic. Part of me just accepts that I broke myself; pushed myself too hard, all those babies, all that stress, not realizing I was autistic until recently.

So I have to accept my brain overloads, I go into meltdown or shutdown. I can't really afford to, but I do, it's just what happens.

I'm really struggling. Yesterday's meltdown flashback had me feeling borderliney, I realise I used to be like that a lot of the time and now, only occasionally. I don't know how I survived it, or if I could survive every episode, but my children being taken into account means that I can never act on the self destruct or self harm feelings. I haven't been able to since I had children.

Self harm feels like an indulgence I can't afford, but I've done other stuff to f*ck my life up covertly, I guess. Food abuse, in particular, always a big one for me.

Luckily, in general, I prefer to eat healthily.

Today I cooked brown rice, fried some curried sunflower seeds and sesame seeds, poached eggs and added kimchi, fresh tomato, spring onions, rocket leaves, chapotle sauce , my own salad dressing mix with olive oil, Himalayan salt, pepper, chilli vinegar, and cayenne pepper and red onion. Yum. All in with the rice of course.

That was all I've been able to do today.

Couldn't even do any mothering, yet, my kid just started holidays.

He is thirteen though.

hey good to hear from you. sending a hug

in my eyes you are 'mothering'. you are mothering you and as i innerstand it this is necessary to mother those around you. you're doing great:)

can relate to a lot. have to get ready to work-work-work-work-work! will drop in later