The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[littleoc]

Such a gorgeous space you have!

 

[mumstheword]

Such a gorgeous space you have!

Thanks @littleoc! It is rather spectacular, isn't it :)

 

[mumstheword]

Yesterday, another social day with youngest daughter and her guy. We had lunch at our house (leftover christmas food, all healthy and vegetarian, except some ham for the meat eaters) then went shopping for plants. My guy wanted to do a sad- post-flowering orchid rescue mission and yep, he spent lots on lots, but got a half price discount all the same.

He also bought two dwarf fruit trees, a peach and a nectarine.
And he bought me this succulent that I wanted.
Dawty and partner bought lots of kitchen/garden herbs, a flowering sun-lover succulent (she's succulent mad) a black cherry tomato, a orange phaleanopsis orchid and more. She is mad about gardening and cultivating pot plants and her guy is into that stuff too.:-)

We had a bit of a nasty blue before and after they came, but pulled ourselves together for when they were here. In hindsight, I think we were both just overstimulated, overstretched and overtired from all the christmas and pre-christmas activity and socialising.


Today is the first downtime day we have had, together, for months.

My head hurt so bad last night, I woke up and took iboprophen. It helped. My feet hurt really bad over christmas day, I had to be on them a lot more than I'm used to, these days.
I'm just noticing how my physical health and energy levels are these days. It's quite debilitating. My brain gets exhausted. Somatic pains and problems in abused areas are rife. My head hurts all the time, but is, mostly barable, without pain relief.

All the usual stuff that goes along with this type of stuff. Nothing as bad as many have to deal with, I'm sure, but it stops me being able to achieve as much as I used to be used to achieving. It's really quite annoying.

I'm going to be focusing on developing more visual art skills this (coming) year. A once-a-month writing class, online free tutorial music skill building, lots of reflective writing and online peer support, home making and quiet time and just being here, for my family.

Other long term projects as well, but I'll keep quiet about them for now, they are quite spesh and my own, very unique, contribution(s).
I might do a bit of volunteer peer work, but I have given up on trying to move now. I'm just over trying to get out of here. I've been trying so long that the flight/fight battle in me is all worn out and worn down. I think I'll just stay put now. I'm so Nimbin, I can't leave, even if I want to!

 

[mumstheword]

 

[mumstheword]

My head's been trying to recover from the neural overload and social demands of "Christmas".
Still trying to figure out what to do, re, no real support or recognition for my autism.

It's a real issue that we are an invisible minority disabled group and even getting diagnosis is, pretty much, beyond the reach of some of us.

I'm going to, kind of, "give up" for a while.

I surrender to being a total fringe dwelling outcast and recluse.
Lucky I have the lifeline that is my man friend.

I'm progressing out of music as my primary art form into painting and drawing. That way I don't have to rely on disappointing-other's and/or painfully awkward having-to-be-social with other's.

Really, I am a sad, tired woman, now, worn out by lack of support and a lifetime of marginalization and social/emotional pain and abusive treatment and/or medical and familial neglect.

I'm so tired. My brain is so tired. I have HUGE struggles with executive functioning and always have.
I am SO invisable, despite trying to make myself visable. Luckily, I have a friend, otherwise, I'm not sure how my chances are, that I would still be alive.

Things are good with my two daughters and my two youngest sons though. In other words, we are in contact and they treat me like a human person, even if it is just to draw on me for support.

It's the somatic exhaustion and the brain-burnt-out-tired issue(s) plus the ongoing executive functioning struggles that are getting to me.

I'm slightly wrecked from being this from-teens-autistic mother-of-a-huge-amount- of-children-in-horrifying-circumstances, who's never been recognised as being one, and even if I did manage to get my diagnosis, there is no support in my area, or anywhere in Australia, that I can tell, for high functioning autistic adult women, so yeah, kind of a futile and depressing situation.

 

[Freida]

oh mums I'm so sorry.
If it help at all I see you. And I very much appreciate you :hug:

 

[NatBird]

yo mums:)
sending you a big hug.wishing you much love, creativity and well-being for the year ahead. in real admiration of your heart and spirit:)

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you lovely friends!
It seems my health and processing, and neural sensitivities and issues, are getting in the way of contributing here, now. My head and eyes hurt and feel squeezed and compressed from looking at the phone screen, so I'm having to heavily limit my time on here.
It feels a little better from avoiding being here. It's a bit sad, but I need to feel better, so that's just how it has to be.
Lots of love to you, my lovely friends! I'll pop in when health permits.:-)

 

[somerandomguy]

????????

 

[Freida]

No apologies ever needed! A pop in now and then to let us know you are ok would be appreciated -- because you know how I worry! But I'm happy you are putting yourself first and doing whats best for YOU! So we will see you when you are ready :) :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Hi all!
I'm doing ok, mostly, other than a couple of bad triggerfests involving the neighbor and her needy and intrusive invasions of my life. Last night was one such event but I turned it around, instead of letting it destroy our beautiful and strong love, I decided to stand with him and take a more "Christian" stance of helping with her.
I was always a generous person until trauma and loss crippled my social ability and emotional strength for helping peeps, as much as I used to, anyway .
So I am taking that part of myself back.
It doesn't matter that she shows me no regard, that she was fine to leave us helpless with me alone, grieving a dead baby in my womb and having to go through yet another trauma without family care and support beside me.

I will be the bigger person and help my guy peddle to her neediness. And he will see, if she is too overt, now, that I refuse to be excluded, in my own home, anymore, that I am not so broken that I will continue to allow some needy neighbor to destroy my life.
I will earn the right to put in that boundary
.
He was pretty mean, but I think mostly tired and frightened, to me, but, in the end he was sorry that I felt so undermined, so shamed, so hurt and so devalued. I blamed myself for the whole situation.

I am ashamed to admit the previous time, a few days ago I talked about feeling like taking myself out and/or feeling like I needed another hospitalization.

He told me to stop, and I did. He was pretty kind that time. But last night, he blew up at me horribly before calming down and I cried a great deal.

Today I am ok, but tired and headachy.

The other day I resorted to a heavy dose of benzos, chased down with some beer. Last night no benzos, just the pain of feeling scorned, scorched, belittled and shamed until I decided to drop that and tap into the Neri I know I am, resilient, generous, intelligent, kind hearted, loyal and supportive.

I still don't like the woman or how she takes advantage and doesn't return the care or grace or kindness, but that won't stop me supporting my man, if that's what he wants to do. I won't lose him over this child woman. 28 and she still lives with her mother.
I will coddle her with him if that's what he wants to do. She won't like it, but it's not really her I'm doing it for, it's him and us, team us.

 

[mumstheword]

Wow, I sound so angry, manipulative, conniving and not generous at all. More like a total hypocrite.

I am angry. I feel backed into a corner, over the neighbor.

I feel threatened.

I feel I need to be gracious and allowing, not neurotic and insecure, which is fair enough.

I need to not guard my privacy so jealously, but to be relaxed and in control of myself.

I can't put my best friend in a position of strain and stress, everytime this pseudo daughter or niece or "damsel in distress" turns up, wanting his help.

I can't exactly be an absolute bitchy, hostile meany, we have to live next door to these people.

I am Aspie, but that really shouldn't be anyone elses problem, nor should the ptsd annoying and painful stuff.

It is MY problem. I don't really ask for accommodations for it, as I already get heaps really; a disability pension and subsidised, low income housing. I would rather be employed and all, but it's better than being starving, begging and homeless..

I have had the good fortune to have plenty of genetic progeny, so that's a huge blessing and privilege. So I'm incredibly fortunate.

I wish I had the privilege of undisturbed privacy and quiet, but we can't have EVERYTHING we want can we?

I bought a book called Women on the Spectrum. It's BRILLIANT. So happy to have some good and relevant info to help me make headway with the ASD stuff.

I have been painting. Working on a piece, which is for 20 year old son.

I am coming out of the extreme brain sore tired thing, although my head is killing me at the moment.

I went to a women-that-I-knew-from- choir-lunch-thing. It was pretty difficult and, in hindsight, I'm not sure that I will be up for the next one. Why oh why is hanging out with people slash women so painful and difficult, for me, these days?
I thing it has always been so, but I used to be waay more dissociative.
Home and quiet or hanging out with family is where I will be extending and focusing my energy this year, I suspect, mostly.