Hitting trauma with T this week - how to ask for space at home

[Warrior Chicken]

I could use some suggestions.....
I agreed to target one of my traumas with my T this week, we have 2 appointments.

At home....live in a 1 bedroom with my SO and there’s not much space. I’ve worked on other traumas before in therapy, but had my own space. My default is to hide my symptoms as best I can but this is hard work. I know I have trouble being around humans when I’m symptomatic, especially the ones that want my attention or love. One day I hope I can be ok with being more vulnerable in front of them but I’m not there yet, I have improved but there’s still work to do.
So, how do you say I need to not be near you without offending?

 

[Wendell_R]

My wife tells me over and over that she appreciates knowing when I'll be working on some really tough stuff, or if my therapist is out of town, or I'm just sliding off the rails a bit.

Does your SO know you'll be working on some difficult topics and that you would like to talk about ways to make life manageable for both of you in the next week or two? If it's a conversation, and not a mandate, I think that makes it easier for the supporter.

 

[Friday]

So, how do you say I need to not be near you without offending?

In advance.

- Almost Ideally, with a plan that either involves a hotel or a girls weekend/boys weekend attached. IE I’m going to be an asshole next week, so what do you think would be better? I could stay at a hotel for a few days, or I could put that money towards you n’So&So having that girls/boys get together you’ve been talking about, airfare to see your mom before Xmas, etc.

It’s rare you can just throw someone out of their own home without repercussions. Sending them on an adventure, however? Usually gets met with smiles instead of fights. Especially if it’s their choice on whether or not to stay or go.

- Truly ideally... with a conversation that begins before I agree to be an asshole (or won the understanding that if this doesn’t work with their schedule this week, we’ll work out a week it does). IE dropping major plans on someone to be elsewhere, a week before Xmas? Or a job interview? Midterms? Etc.? Says you aren’t thinking about their life, and the huge ask it is for them to drop everything, and rearrange everything, to suit something I agreed to without talking with them, first. It could be they would love the time apart to get shit done. But having say in that? Their life & schedule viewed as equally important? Says partner. Rather than burden.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

After I posted this thread I explained to my SO that I would have 2 appointments this week. That it would be a tough week. That’s all I could get out. But step in the right direction this time.

@Wendell_R i hope to be able to ask how to make the week manageable. It’s these conversations that I struggle with often. But I understand they are very important in a relationship, I just have to use my words ?

@Friday its the other way around with me, I would never ask my SO to leave our space. Or affect others as a result of my ‘issues’, that makes it worse for me in the guilt department. I tend not to discuss what’s going on and then poof.....magic disappearing act or I can’t be around cuz I have to go away for work. But the work distraction isn’t a viable option next week. Grrr

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m assuming there’s a living room since you said 1 bedroom and not studio.

Can you just tell him that you need space? From day 1 my guy has known that I need space from time to time. I’m getting better at telling him I need it and he doesn’t take it personally.

Today I got overwhelmed after bringing my Christmas tree home. I simply told him I needed to go to my room and rest. He asked if I wanted him to join me. I said no, I needed to be alone. I went to my room, he stayed in the living room to just chill.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@EveHarrington you’re right, living room and bedroom. Have also been thinking maybe I can do what you did. Never have cuz the whole “sleep sanitation” routine shit. Not that I haven’t laid in bed all night staring at the ceiling for fear of sleep and the questions in the morning, rather than get up and do something to relax as they suggest.
Perhaps you have to do what is necessary to get through difficult times rather than worry about what is the best thing to do?

Thinking, thinking and more.....thinking.

 

[Freida]

Perhaps you have to do what is necessary to get through difficult times rather than worry about what is the best thing to do?

welllll bout that. You know I'm the queen of cut and run, so hubby and I have had conversations about how much therapy is going to suck and how we can minimize my reactions to prevent me becoming a huge needy beaotch. Sometimes you just need to shut down and not engage but unless you tell them ahead of time they get all worked up. T I don't say I need space because that implies "from him". I reword it to be -- I'm struggling with what we discussed in therapy and I just need some time to rest and regroup. That way it's about the therapy session rather than on either of us.

Tomorrow for example - I have emdr and I already know its going to be a bad one. Good in the long run, bad in the short. So I reminded hubby of that tonight - so he knows when i come in and refuse to talk or even acknowledge he is there that it is my brain on fire and not anything to do with him. Which makes him feel better. Still useless, but better :laugh:

 

[scout86]

Or affect others as a result of my ‘issues’, that makes it worse for me in the guilt department. I tend not to discuss what’s going on and then poof.....magic disappearing act

I can totally relate to the way you see that. Can a suggest an alternate certain of reality? From what I've read here, supporters really appreciate information and being included. (Hard to imagine, but "whatever".) So, you'd actually be doing your SO a favor by giving them a heads up and working out a plan for what "helpful" looks like ahead of time. Relationships work both ways, sooner or later you'll get your chance to give back.

 

[LuckiLee]

Who would have thought all this great advice would come from the "sufferers"??... My advice is just "communication". Honest communication. My guy likes cuddles and kisses after a bad session and I don't talk to him until he starts to open up again. . He eventually shares what it was about and we are able to process it a bit more.


Just explain what you need and why. The "why" is important (to me) so i don't take things personally. Don't say "I need to be alone" say " I need to be alone because of xyx". Good luck with everything!!

 

[grit]

I honestly do not know any other way to survive in this world and in marriage without being blunt and honest and SHOWING vulnerability in marriage.

IMHO, life is a byacych and can throw a loop at any time. So when you know there is a planned rough times, I think that is a gift in marriage.

Just tell him exactly what you wrote here. If you honestly cannt say that, there are more problems and that is a good reason.

A healthy adult person should be able to hear, I will not feel great in the next couple of weeks, or I will be busy with school, or work or in laws or whatever and I need space. This is normal and natural in relationships.

do not make it into a project. Just be honest, vulnerable enough to show you care his well-being and would have done the same and thank you so much for supporting, I would not know what I would have done without you being my anchor!
Nothing worse than having trauma, a hectic therapy,and then making at home difficult because a person does not want to show they are human and need others but also need space.

good luck.