How to maintain healthy relationships while passing on social occasions due to overwhelm?

[InsertCoinsHere]

How to deal with others disappointment when you can’t continue to partake in social activities as you have been overwhelmed? How do I keep healthy relationships with others when they are fed up with my illness?

Earlier I accompanied my girlfriend, in-laws and their extended family to a pantomime at the local theatre.. I knew it would be a challenge being around 2000 people mainly young children but that wasn’t too bad.. I got wiped out by the high intensity entertainment and noise from both the audience shouting back to the stage and the music/vocals of the show.. being in the middle of that resulted in being overwhelmed..

The level of overwhelm wasn’t obvious at first and I thought I just needed 30 minutes in the car journey home to regather myself before family dinner at a restaurant.. Anyway my toolbox of grounding and coping exercises did very little and in fact got in touch with my overwhlem further. I arrived at the restaurant with my body convulsing (mainly my neck was repeatedly twisting rapidly from left to right.. Off topic do others get this? Or something similar? It’s involuntary and a major sign my body/nervous system is overwhelmed). I stepped out of the car and was by my standards overly dissociated.. quite derealised and confused... I said to my girlfriend ‘I don’t feel right, I need a little while to ground as currently I’m out of sorts’.. I tried grounding using my usual exercises but even after coming back to a level of sort of understanding the situation, I realised I couldn’t sit in a restaurant with everything going on around me while feeling this way.. especially not when there’s a lot of activities coming up in the next 10 days.. I bowed out and said to my partner to go enjoy her meal with her family and I’ll see her and them later.

She appeared fed up (which is happening more and more these days)..

I find it frustrating because I try my hardest to meet family occasions and meet the challenge head on.. however sometimes I’m just overwhelmed and there’s not much I can do.. it’s simply I’m overwhelmed by current stress, past stress (trauma) and my senses are overloaded... That’s when I dissociate and my brain shuts down. It’s so annoying because I feel others perceive ‘He could do better, or He isn’t trying hard enough’..

How do you manage others expectations of what you can and can’t do and let them know truly how disabling activities can be?
I dislike the thoughts of others perceiving I am rude for not participating and that I am bad person.

Thanks

 

[New]

I have no advice but wanted to let you know I completely understand and am going through the same thing.

I wish I had some helpful advice.

 

[bellbird]

How do I keep healthy relationships with others when they are fed up with my illness?

First off, it isn't your fault.
Hopefully your loved ones are just "fed up" because they love you and miss seeing the healthy you, but this isn't something that should make you feel guilty. And you most certainly are not a bad person.

People wouldn't get "fed up" at a loved one who felt unwell at dinner because they had had chemotherapy earlier that day, no?

Mental illnesses should be treated with the same level of empathy as physical ones.
You've clearly mentioned in your post that you are using your grounding toolbox as much as you can and that should be commended and applauded. Well done, you.

mainly my neck was repeatedly twisting rapidly from left to right.. Off topic do others get this? Or something similar? It’s involuntary and a major sign my body/nervous system is overwhelmed).

Yeah, I get this. I've read many others around the forums saying they get the same, too.

The most helpful approach I've found is slow and deep diaphragmatix breathing.

Try to do it every day, even on days where you feel like you don't need to.
It will help your system to find a new normal.

How do you manage others expectations of what you can and can’t do and let them know truly how disabling activities can be?

Do you feel comfortable enough to have a conversation with them?

Explain to them that you care about them, and in an ideal world would love to spend time with them, but right now that is too difficult.

Like expecting someone with a broken leg to go on a hike; I'm sure that person would love go on an outdoor adventure, but it's just not possible for them right now. They aren't being lazy, or rude; only rational.

There's a thread around here somewhere about how to explain PTSD to people who don't have it, that might help. I'm on my phone, otherwise I would link it here :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Sadly this is what many of us go through because we have an invisible disability.

But anyway, these people are in-laws so I’m not sure how much of your disorder you want to reveal, as saying too much to people who perhaps don’t even believe in mental illness will just make you appear crazy.

Anyway it’s HARD to juggle holiday activities. I had a friend who asked me to go out to lunch and shopping today and I was like (in my head) sorry.... you aren’t in the week plan, so no.... I am trying so hard to fit everything in, so last minute requests are out.

Today I woke up at 5 am to avoid the grocery store madness and still ran through my spoons! I came home to sleep and tonight I’m going out looking at Christmas lights with my mom. Who knows what today means for tomorrow and my boyfriends family Christmas party? It may have to go.

I have two more (distant) family get togethers that I’m trying to get out of because I have NO MORE SPOONS but people don’t understand and it’s sucks.

I wish I had advice for you, but all I can say is you’re not alone. :hug:

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

I have no advice but wanted to let you know I completely understand and am going through the same thing.

I wish I had some helpful advice.

I have two more (distant) family get togethers that I’m trying to get out of because I have NO MORE SPOONS but people don’t understand and it’s sucks.

I wish I had advice for you, but all I can say is you’re not alone. :hug:

Thanks it’s great to know I’m not alone in this and that I am being rational. Looks like it’s a tough time of year for many of us.. not just emotionally but also logistically.. there’s only so many resources/energy one person has and that’s quite limited when you are ill.

The spoons analogy works very well, I may use that myself it could work as a good tool to let others know my current tolerance and threshold limit. I may even give them spoons and take away spoons as I go about my day so they know where I am at haha might actually work very well or we might just end up arguing over spoons :)

First off, it isn't your fault.
Hopefully your loved ones are just "fed up" because they love you and miss seeing the healthy you, but this isn't something that should make you feel guilty. And you most certainly are not a bad person.

People wouldn't get "fed up" at a loved one who felt unwell at dinner because they had had chemotherapy earlier that day, no?

Mental illnesses should be treated with the same level of empathy as physical ones.
You've clearly mentioned in your post that you are using your grounding toolbox as much as you can and that should be commended and applauded. Well done, you.

Yeah, I get this. I've read many others around the forums saying they get the same, too.

The most helpful approach I've found is slow and deep diaphragmatix breathing.

Try to do it every day, even on days where you feel like you don't need to.
It will help your system to find a new normal.

Do you feel comfortable enough to have a conversation with them?

Explain to them that you care about them, and in an ideal world would love to spend time with them, but right now that is too difficult.

Like expecting someone with a broken leg to go on a hike; I'm sure that person would love go on an outdoor adventure, but it's just not possible for them right now. They aren't being lazy, or rude; only rational.

There's a thread around here somewhere about how to explain PTSD to people who don't have it, that might help. I'm on my phone, otherwise I would link it here :)

Thank you for your great reply, very helpful and uplifting.

I don’t feel they intend to make me feel guilty. It appears they sometimes don’t understand why I can’t suddenly do something when 1 hour ago I appeared okay, and that’s when they get frustrated and irritated.. I can understand that.. a lot of my symptoms are invisible (though not really if you paid attention.. the body speaks a lot, as many of us would know) it’s frustrating for me equally as much as for them. I’m quite good at estimating my daily energy limit therefore can often say what I’m able to accomplish that day however sometimes triggers catch me off guard and zap me. Maybe I’m the one feeling the guilt more than they are actually intending. A healthy chat is the best way forward, I’ll explain my difficulties and maybe we can come to mutual understanding via communication.

I will try the deep breathing. Can I ask how long each day do you practice this exercise? It would be great if this would help with my body symptoms as that’s what predominantly disrupts my days.

 

[bellbird]

A healthy chat is the best way forward, I’ll explain my difficulties and maybe we can come to mutual understanding via communication.

That sounds like a great idea.
Feel free to reach out here if you need help brainstorming what you want to say :) the group can be really helpful for that kind of thing.

Can I ask how long each day do you practice this exercise?

I've been doing a 10 min breathing meditation after I wake up each morning before I get out of bed.
I found that it's a good start to my day in general, and over time (if I'm consistent with it) my twitching is less frequent.

I hope it can help you too, it's a really sucky symptom huh?

 

[Teasel]

Just to day I relate, also get the neck twitches too.

And since Mr went to a brief meeting designed for friends & family of PTSD sufferers he just understands a lot better. I wonder if its worth looking for a really good description of symptoms to show her?

Also I second the slow deep breathing - it's really helping me. I'm using an app called breath ball - helps me stay focused and keep a good slow pace

 

[Rani G2]

dislike the thoughts of others perceiving I am rude for not participating and that I am bad person.

@InsertCoinsHere just like bellbird mentioned here, it is not your fault! It is very hard at times when we need to socialize and its just too stressful.

No advice, but I have lost a few people as I didnt visit shows or parties. I belong to those who might come across rude as I directly say that certain situations dont work for me. There were two ppl who found this rude and felt that I should apologize. I said, I already said why. Why should I feel sorry? That was the end. I dont like to say sorry if I feel a sorry is not needed. They are not overwhelmed they dont suffer. So what? This is only one/ personal experience. Maybe I should be more polite and learn social skills... I am / we all are learning and trying our best.