Worth

[Warrior Chicken]

These I can accept:
I am worthy of trust
I am worthy of responsibility

These I struggle with:
I am worthy of love, compassion, protection, kindness.

Why don’t I want to be?

Because then I owe something in return. It’s not given for free.

If I open to it, then I am no longer strong, i can be infiltrated, exploited by the enemy.
Not a warrior......chicken.

Do I want to be worthy of those things? Yes. Not ashamed that I want those things and fearful that it’s used against me.

I wasn’t born thinking like this but damn.....stuck in it.

Anyone else?

 

[knuckles]

Yes. Your words definetely resonates with me.

My therapist would like to help me calm down in sessions by talking about things that have value to me. And I seem to be unable to bring anything to session that I hold dear. Exposing such things means it can be ridiculed, destroyed or taken into possession and used to bargain with.

I *know* she won't do that to me... Hasn't helped much though.

I haven't thought about whether I want to be worthy of love, compassion, protection and kindness. A small-voiced "no" is what comes to mind.... Guess that would be something to work on some day.

Being aware of it is a good start I think.

 

[Invisible Fire]

Anyone else?

I understand what you are saying especially" Why don't I want to be"
But, I think I do want to feel those things I just don't know how. I hear often you have to love yourself first. I am not sure what it even means to be worthy of love and compassion. When someone is kind to me I get defensive because they have to be after something. I had a co-worker give me a gift and I've have extreme mixed emotions. Worried I'll get hurt again. Worried they will see the real me and run. I for sure understand what you are saying.

 

[TTC18]

These I can accept:
I am worthy of trust
I am worthy of responsibility

These I struggle with:
I am worthy of love, compassion, protection, kindness.

Why don’t I want to be?

I'm the same. I think maybe because I feel like I'm trustworthy and responsible because of my own actions, but I'm unworthy of all the other stuff because of who I am inside. And if someone loves, feels compassion, etc it comes with obligation on my part to be worthy of it.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I'm unworthy of all the other stuff because of who I am inside. And if someone loves, feels compassion, etc it comes with obligation on my part to be worthy of it.

I get this....it's a piece I'm currently really working hard to put into context because one anniversary is 31 Dec. For me it's who I am inside, like you feel @TTC18, but the cause of that is what I've done or not done that's affected others. When I live but someone else dies....how does that not stay with you?

If anyone has any feedback on that puzzle, I'd be grateful right now. The worth argument has many layers, but this one is the most salient right now.
Brain says: it's your fault they're dead, and others are severely injured. It's best you stay away from people so that doesn't happen again.

On the flip side, there's this HUGE drive I have to protect others from harm. I do it, protect that is, it's what I do best. But I don't have to be open emotionally or vulnerable to do this piece well. Quite the opposite.

things that have value to me

I thought about your post @knuckles and I have the same trouble, but the protecting others piece does give me value.
The stay away part comes from people wanting to get close to me, or at least that's what I figure. I can't protect you if you're close to me.....but that's not entirely it, just haven't figured the rest of it out.

Then there's this, have heard it lots too

you have to love yourself first

I'm not sure how to do that, but I'm trying to learn. I think of it like this....if you don't get there alive then you can't protect anyone from harm.
And yet, I'll harm myself to transfer what I feel into something physical....something that makes sense to me.

This is a messed up road.

 

[TTC18]

On the flip side, there's this HUGE drive I have to protect others from harm. I do it, protect that is, it's what I do best.

Me too.

 

[Freida]

These I can accept:
I am worthy of trust
I am worthy of responsibility

yes- you are

These I struggle with:
I am worthy of love, compassion, protection, kindness.

Yes - you are. but I get it. :hug:
Here's a thought ---- trust can only come if there is love, compassion, protection and kindness. So if you trust someone you feel those things, even if you don't know it. And if people trust you -- then this is how they feel about you. Even if you are just doing your job and "love" isn't in it, the rest is.

because one anniversary is 31 Dec.

Hey mine too! We can hang out in our diaries and keep each other sane!

what I've done or not done that's affected others. When I live but someone else dies....how does that not stay with you?

It doens't not. It stays with you.
I've made bad decisions and people have died. I've made good decisions and people have still died. I've been in a safe place and others weren't and people have died.
I don't think the survivor guilt ever goes away. You just learn to live with it. What is important is understanding what your role really was, rather than the distorted role you believe you had. It's a good one for therapy because then you can look at the picture realistically. .... which means giving up the idea that you somehow had control of the situation. There is almost always a long series of things that lead to a death. Rarely is it the actions of one person - unless you are the one pulling the trigger. And even in those situations, it involves usually more than just you

People like us? we have a hard time letting go of that responsibility because, well, we are type A control freaks. :laugh: Letting go of that is hard, but it has helped me when I look back and start to blame myself :hug:

 

[FriedNeuron74]

These I can accept:
I am worthy of trust
I am worthy of responsibility

These I struggle with:
I am worthy of love, compassion, protection, kindness.

Why don’t I want to be?

Because then I owe something in return. It’s not given for free.

If I open to it, then I am no longer strong, i can be infiltrated, exploited by the enemy.
Not a warrior......chicken.

Do I want to be worthy of those things? Yes. Not ashamed that I want those things and fearful that it’s used against me.

I wasn’t born thinking like this but damn.....stuck in it.

Anyone else?

Yes! Stuck like glue sticks to paper stuck.