My Therapist “broke” Me

[Wendell_R]

I forget that this isn’t present day stuff that I am feeling and then the fear feels real, and my non-ptsd support people don’t understand it

Our therapists get attached in our minds with all of the old stuff. All of that transference! Today, when I told my therapist that I felt angry about something she said last week, a part of me burst into tears. Not because of what my therapist did or said, but because of fears of what happened to me when I was very young.

I track my moods on an ap daily and I notice that I write “good” most of the time that I am with my family, so that is a plus.

That will be great plus over the holidays. I am glad you are feeling better. Being able to write 'good' is a nice feeling.

I am less concerned about her not coming back than I usually am. We will just have to see.

It sounds like you are both in a better place than the last time she was gone, and you know how to handle the situation better. Which isn't to say that the break won't be challenge, just that it may be more manageable this time. When my therapist was gone twice this past summer/fall, it was a lot easier for me the second time around.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R wish I could say “twice” and not five times, just in the fall. Lol.

We did something pretty cool today. She read an emdr script out of a book. It worked much like a meditation but with the left/right stuff. It was about finding your inner strength. Even better she recorded herself reading it onto my phone. I can practice it while she is gone and it seems much more present and adult than the voicemail recording that I have of her comforting me (the little parts love to listen to that one over and over again).

We spent the rest of the session talking about how taking time to trust someone makes sense. I talked about some of my strong secure relationships, realizing that they took at least 12 years before trust started to develop. We talked about what I wished it would feel like when we were apart. Like wishing good things for her and me.

 

[Wendell_R]

wish I could say “twice” and not five times, just in the fall. Lol.

That sounds like learning to swim by being thrown in the pool! But it also sounds like you've at least mastered treading water.

It worked much like a meditation but with the left/right stuff.

I do this myself quite often. When something stressful comes up, I can bring in my EMDR resources while tapping my fingers alternately and run through an EMDR-type script. (I call it EMDR Lite.) I have found that I don't get the deeper closure that I do when my therapist guides me, but it's good enough to calm me down for a few days. This past week, I repeated in her office one of the fears that has popped up this way.

I talked about some of my strong secure relationships

I think you are ahead of me there! I have social anxieties & shame that has limited my number of secure relationships, even though I have a lot of friends. That is one of my big works-in-progress.

 

[hithere]

@Wendell_R wish I could say “twice” and not five times, just in the fall. Lol.

We did something pretty cool today. She read an emdr script out of a book. It worked much like a meditation but with the left/right stuff. It was about finding your inner strength. Even better she recorded herself reading it onto my phone. I can practice it while she is gone and it seems much more present and adult than the voicemail recording that I have of her comforting me (the little parts love to listen to that one over and over again).

We spent the rest of the session talking about how taking time to trust someone makes sense. I talked about some of my strong secure relationships, realizing that they took at least 12 years before trust started to develop. We talked about what I wished it would feel like when we were apart. Like wishing good things for her and me.

wow you have a great therapist. that is awesome.

 

[Skywatcher]

wow you have a great therapist. that is awesome.

Quite honestly, I was so angry at her since mid October mixed with needing her, fearing her and loving her. There is the transference, and she says that sometimes I am reflecting how I feel towards myself onto her. So much to have taken in. I switched to a different day for second semester, and she looked over stuff and it seems she will be around for a few months. Thank God. I would also like to thank the god that created anxiety meds.

 

[Skywatcher]

It’s day 7. I see her in a week. I’ve gone through a few anger phases today, which makes sense because I tend to feel very abandoned on day 7’s of no contact, but I’m not hurting myself or thinking about it either! That is good news. I have only sent her three emails so far. One was a layout of what I want for emails in our future and why. (Sent on the same day I had therapy because of a specific reason). The second was a link to a podcast I listened to on Shrinktank about The Women of Marwen and ptsd growth. I didn’t say anything... just sent the link. The third email was a Merry Christmas one telling her I was doing well and showed some nature pictures (something we both enjoy) from my weekend trip.

I thought about telling her about the severe migraine on Christmas Eve eve and having to contact my p-doc due to the vertigo, dizziness, jacked up motor coordination, and serious thought I might die. The fact that he told me how to adjust meds until my “emergency visit” next week when he gets back. I didn’t email her during fear waves or any processing (which has been lower anyways due to her finally understanding what I need before a departure). I didn’t write her about how happy I’ve been, besides on Christmas. Didn’t email her the link written for therapists about the dangers of emails and how it helped me really understand her perspective and what went wrong. Didn’t email her my thoughts on a chapter from the book she wanted me to read. Didn’t tell her about watching Mary Poppins and seeing it as a good analogy to the end of therapy.

All things I wanted to share, but didn’t. She used to write back and forth with me on stuff like this. The parts I really miss and want back, but don’t have to have.

 

[hithere]

It’s day 7. I see her in a week. I’ve gone through a few anger phases today, which makes sense because I tend to feel very abandoned on day 7’s of no contact, but I’m not hurting myself or thinking about it either! That is good news. I have only sent her three emails so far. One was a layout of what I want for emails in our future and why. (Sent on the same day I had therapy because of a specific reason). The second was a link to a podcast I listened to on Shrinktank about The Women of Marwen and ptsd growth. I didn’t say anything... just sent the link. The third email was a Merry Christmas one telling her I was doing well and showed some nature pictures (something we both enjoy) from my weekend trip.

I thought about telling her about the severe migraine on Christmas Eve eve and having to contact my p-doc due to the vertigo, dizziness, jacked up motor coordination, and serious thought I might die. The fact that he told me how to adjust meds until my “emergency visit” next week when he gets back. I didn’t email her during fear waves or any processing (which has been lower anyways due to her finally understanding what I need before a departure). I didn’t write her about how happy I’ve been, besides on Christmas. Didn’t email her the link written for therapists about the dangers of emails and how it helped me really understand her perspective and what went wrong. Didn’t email her my thoughts on a chapter from the book she wanted me to read. Didn’t tell her about watching Mary Poppins and seeing it as a good analogy to the end of therapy.

All things I wanted to share, but didn’t. She used to write back and forth with me on stuff like this. The parts I really miss and want back, but don’t have to have.

what is the article called for therapists about dangers of emails

 

[Skywatcher]

@hithere

I Love These Emails, or Do I? The Use of Emails in Psychotherapy and Counseling, by Ofer Zur, Ph.D.

 

[Skywatcher]

I didn’t anticipate this much fear and anxiety about seeing her tomorrow. I have done a ton of research on fearful attachment. I have also researched trauma and how therapists are to help guide your inner child into healing. I sent her an email saying that I want to work on the fearful attachment (but in reality I want to run away.) It’s like I’m either fighting her or wanting to run. I keep having flashbacks of the childhood sexual abuse and when you succumb to his power you are safe and loved. Thoughts of my T are triggering that. She took control of the email changes and I didn’t have a say. I could just stop fighting for a compromise and give in to her rules and be loved and a good girl and continue to reenact the csa in my body and mind. In a way it brings peace just like it did then. But it makes me resent her and fear what might happen next, because what happened next was painful and terrifying... actually I don’t really know what happened next because all i have are the emotions.

All I know is, my anxiety meds are lower and I am scared. I did write a bunch of stuff in my journal that I may just hand her.

 

[Wendell_R]

It’s like I’m either fighting her or wanting to run

I think a lot of the process for me is to realize that I want to submit or run, to admit this to my therapist, to tell her my fears even though I'm afraid of the consequences, and then to learn that none of the old, old fears need to come true anymore. That last step is a doozy and has taken me a lot of work and a lot of false starts.

fear what might happen next

Maybe this is a good thing to talk about with her. To separate fears from reality.

 

[Skywatcher]

And it continues... therapy lately is about clearing up a lot of misconceptions that my mind has created. I see a positive direction and building a stronger relationship in the near future. Fear and safety is still a huge barrier. With reluctance on her part, we are trying one email this week. Funny part is that I don’t think I care to send it. However, I did want to share what the p-doc said with her and we are working on the schedule (which is already open for emails, because that is how she schedules). So, I will just combine that stuff together.
She sent me a bunch of links during our appointment. She wanted to send them over the break but was following the plan, lol. I am hoping that she will just realize that there is really no anxiety if she sends a link.

An important thing that she told me today, that combats transference stuff is that every email she sent in the past was for my benefit. She was not annoyed by me in doing it. Pretty much everything a therapist does is to help and benefit the patient. It is why we hire them, to help us. Our problem with the email was never the actual emails, but what they were doing to me as a feed off of my attachment disorder. So the focus is the understanding of the attachment disorder and the rebuild of trust and safety. The solution is an ongoing discussion and I don’t think that either of us really knows what the best thing is at this point, but at least we are working together on it.

 

[Wendell_R]

So the focus is the understanding of the attachment disorder and the rebuild of trust and safety.

This sounds like a great plan. The goal, I think, is to have sufficient safety that you feel safe bringing up all your thoughts/fears/desires, and sufficient trust that what you work out together is for your benefit.