General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

@Freida You brave warrior you, I think once upon a time in the not so distant future, you'll get your well-deserved peace because what you're doing right now is the equivalent of climbing up to the top of the mast in a wicked storm like Lt. Dan did in Forrest Gump and shrieking it out to the gods and the universe, and that when all this passes, and I swear to to it will, you will look at that calm water by the shrimp boat, leap on in and take a swim like ole Dan did; no critters, just you, that nice warm water and the safety of good friends and the trusty boat :)

I am sooo going to book mark this -- because I absolutely love it! Yep - I could see that -- me sitting in that stupid crows nest yelling "bring it on!"

 

[NaeNae75]

I am sooo going to book mark this -- because I absolutely love it! Yep - I could see that -- me sitting in that stupid crows nest yelling "bring it on!"

I can envision you doing it too!

 

[WinterCricket]

I am sooo going to book mark this -- because I absolutely love it! Yep - I could see that -- me sitting in that stupid crows nest yelling "bring it on!"

LOL, me too, howl on sister ;)

Hope floats and the water's warm out here!

 

[WinterCricket]

@Freida Maybe this will help.

Give them parameters before you tell them. "I want to share something with you. I haven't shared this with you before because I can't deal with however you are going to react to it. I am going to share it with you but I don't want to hear anything about it ever again unless I bring it up. But I have come to realize that its important for you to know part of the reason I am the way I am and I know that I can trust that you won't share this story with anybody else. After I tell you I am going to walk away/go back home/whatever."

Or whatever version of something similar works for you. Even without PTSD this is what I do. I was sexually harassed by an instructor at school and I didn't want to tell my mom because I couldn't deal with her....but I felt guilty not sharing because I was absolutely acting different for a while there. I ended up telling her with a very similar disclaimer and gave her a designated time the next week that she was allowed to ask me if I was ready to answer any questions and she had to respect whatever my answer was. And she did.

That was minor. I imagine it would be much more diffcult sharing a much bigger story. So taking control ahead of time and communicating your expectations is helpful.

Now, from the supporter perspective......

My honey has shared a good amount with me. I used to think I knew it all and more and more has come out over the years. After hearing what I've already heard......I can only imagine what I haven't heard.

He has explicitly told me things here and there over the years about not wanting me to be scared of him, that if I actually knew him I wouldn't love, that he wasn't planning on telling me x, y, or z because he didn't want me to look at him differently. I assume he didn't want me to see him as weak or foolish or *insert other negative adjective here* . But let me assure you, from the supporter side....that is not what happens...AT ALL.

This past December he shared with me something that he said he's never told anybody before. Decembers are ALWAYS hard. After he could breathe a little again after weeks of isolating he apologized to me for being a crappy boyfriend. After reading about anniversaries on this site I was curious if he had an anniversary in December. So I said he didn't have to answer, and a yes/no is all I wanted, but did something bad happen to him in December. And surprisingly he not only said yes but told me what happened and that I was the only person that ever walked on planet Earth that he told.

And what he told me was shocking to say the least. And I had no idea what to say. But I asked if there was anything else he wanted to say about it. He said no. I said ok. And that was that.

But WHAT he shared with me made SO MANY things MAKE SENSE. He didn't say it but I know he hadn't told anybody because he didn't want them seeing him differently (especially me). I could tell he blames himself for not being better (which is absurd).

Overall, I look at him exactly the same. I treat him the same. I make the same dark jokes with him. And in those moments that I remember what he told me that day....yes, I do look at him a little differently...but in a "wow...you've been through so much and you're still here and you're doing this well. you're not throwing your life away on drugs like most people would in your shoes." I feel luckier to know such a strong man.

Sorry I'm long-winded but my point is this: set parameters and tell them. It sounds like you trust them enough for them to know which tells me that it can only help your guys' relationship when they understand where you come from a little more. As you get more comfortable "complaining" to them (because that's actually refreshing to hear! It gives me reference where the 'tude is coming from!) its much easier to stay calm and support you knowing where you are coming from and what reactions to certain things you might have. They already love you enough to have kept you around this long. I can only see this going better for you (if you set parameters before you say anything and they agree). Also, if you can, throw them a bone and give them permission to discuss it with each other. Then they can deal with each other's emotions about it and you don't have to deal with either of them and everyone can move on. I didn't have anybody I could react with and that was hard. Do-able, but hard.

Ok. I'll stop now.

This has got to be the best medicine for sufferers. When you get so far in the pit it seems impossible that anyone could possibly get it, but there are plenty who do and are "safe to share with." Gutsy stuff well said!

 

[WinterCricket]

@NaeNae75 I'm so glad it has helped you! I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have ptsd and be married to a runner. Wow.
I have NO idea what I was thinking when I jumped into this thread :laugh: but I have learned so much myself from the other people - both supporters and sufferers - who have chimed in along the way so I'm really glad I did

:roflmao: oh god no!!!! :laugh: I was totally unaware I had ptsd for decades. I even denied I had anxiety and if I did show any it was because I had a high stress job. I went into therapy for coping skills when I got taken down by fibro, and thought my T was smoking crack when she said I had ptsd. I was just a bit high strung y'know. Nothing bad had ever happened to me.

I found this site a couple years after I started therapy so I had some insight but not much. I think that's why I wanted to do this thread. To try to figure out what I was thinking...and see if others thought that too

Yep. stress at work. stress from marriage. bad 911 call makes me feel jumpy. working two jobs makes me tired and cranky. Holidays make me feel like taking off. naseua from eating too much, pain from working to much, you name it I could attach it. Even after I was diagnosed and understood the sypmtoms I still said they were from the fibro. Right up until the med people connected the two.

When I started this I had NO idea what it was like for my supporters when I pushed them away or took off or told them I was leaving. I truly thought I was doing the right thing for them because my head was exploding and they were enemies and I didn't understand why. So they were better off without me. Or I was just running -- trying to out run the flashbacks and the panic. Hubby and I have worked out a better system now -- but yes. giving me breathing room is the only way to keep me.

I think that your ability to manage your own symptoms and give him time to breathe is just amazing!

Yeah this is a problem for me this managing of symptoms, my own right now I'm afraid. Freida, I'm the one who mentioned the Lt. Dan and the mast thing on another post, and even though I consider myself a survivor of PTSD, this relationship with my Marine has taxed me to the max over three years. It's a minefield and finding the next step.is.tender....Le help?

When I met him, I was almost a year free of any symptoms and anyone who's overcome this demon PTSD will tell you, there's no greater feeling in the world; it's like you're titanium, you hear joy and see colors and feel just spectacular like on some sort of crack high because I MADE IT and I made that healing happen, kaboom! I have arrived at safety!

And then....You meet someone who's in the thick of it, of course they don't tell you until you're madly deeply and suddenly, that titanium is tested, again. Here I am walking through the valley of the shadow all over on the opposite side as a supporter and feeling myself marching scarily closer to the place that brought on my own trauma a few years ago, and now he's, vacant.

Friends, I can use any sufferer advice and feel free to skip if the story's too long from here on!.. As we got to know each other better, I shared my own experiences with him and he with me, his combat stuff much worse than mine absolutely, but he slowly trusted enough to share some soul-scorching things. And though ours hasn't been a smooth ride at all it's been a connection unlike any other from the beginning for both of us, he's my lobster and I just adore him and all he is, ugly and all, but of course, at it's most invested, he can't seem to stay connected to it fully and has kept pulling away periodically, and hard.

He is the real deal among warriors, high functioning and an amazing man, sweet and warm hearted underneath, but beneath the confident exterior he projects, he feels guilty, unworthy of loving, sometimes living, and the usual spectrum of self loathing, reliving death, I've seen him at suicidal worst, and heard stories to make holy water boil yet I can't get him to go to counseling or even turn to his battle buddies. He persists behind that fragile armor, I worry terribly his armor will fail, but god, what a dance of him faking everything's alright then admitting he knows he needs help but not accepting it! Push pull, he comes he goes, exhaustion. I know it can't go on without counseling and I think somewhere he knows it too.

This journey has me questioning my own integrity again, withdrawing from things myself and I'm struggling now with his worst 3 month withdrawal/isolation after I 'cracked' with him early Oct, nothing horrible, no viscous words but to him, it must have felt like a betrayal. I said I didn't think I was the girl for him after a date when he had been acting especially manic (Robin Williams cocaine 1980's) I was rattling in my skin trying to keep up and I point blanked him about symptoms (depression, "mania", drinking, his symptoms like sleep issues, etc) and how they're affecting both him and us. Now I think that must have been like battery acid thrown at him but it was me taxed to the max...He looked at me and said, I don't understand?

I see in retro he was feeling at his safest with me over the months prior, it was the best we'd ever been, even though to me it still felt 'held back" (and even as I say this I see the disconnect between sufferer/supporter I've read about here!) and he couldn't see that in his high I was actually feeling at my lowest. I think, I was allowing us to go on with life, having dates, being his buffer and somehow bearing all the weight of 'denial.' I cracked, quietly, but maybe that was a huge trigger to him and he ran.

I use his denial loosely because he is actually in full acknowledgement he has PTSD and we've talked about it openly but he won't address it with counseling. He tap dances around the idea, buddies contact, counseling, because he's "afraid of awkward conversations." Geez.....bring on my warrior! I struggle in a different way with this because I see it from both supporter sufferer sides! It's like being in a vortex and I don't know where I belong....

We've had some good text communication after I gave my apology for the disconenct/argument in Oct and that I loved him and wanted for us to work together, he initially wrote back he didn't know what to say. Since then, we've texted and I try to keep it light and that was working well until he said he'd come see me in mid Nov but then didn't, he replied lighthearted to my Thxgvng text and I have been texting here and there since to stay in touch and a a nice email prior to Xmas about the world, Mattis leaving the admin, some stuff on surrendering versus giving up in life, probably too much for him to absorb though but encouraged him to let me know if he is gone or just isolating...Nothing.

Before xmas I texted I was worried about him and to let me know he was ok, two days later at 11:59 xmas night "Merry Christmas 'my name." I tried to call immediately but no answer.....An email saying I love him and why and couple of light texts from me to him since with no reply yet.....

Of course I'm worried he's moved on and maybe seeing other people and isn't telling me and is waiting for me to give up and go away. But I could use advice; I'm embarrassed to ask for the input but figure that's what we're all here for. How do I get him to tell me if this is temporary and he needs space or if he's gone and doesn't have the guts to have that awkward conversation that he's done with us?

 

[Abstract]

Gosh. I really don't know. One thing is sure from what you said. That it couldnt go on as it was without him starting therapy or help of some sort. And it sounds like he is still very untrusting about letting people in and you may now be lumped in with the rest of humanity.

Are you saying that when he let his guard down more is when you responded the way you did? Is he perceiving this as you jumping ship as soon as you see more of what is really going on with him?

You have gone through so much and worked so hard. Im so sorry you are again having to deal with this stuff but in a different way. I hope you manage to sort it out with him. Really he needs treatment.

 

[WinterCricket]

Gosh. I really don't know. One thing is sure from what you said. That it couldnt go on as it was without him starting therapy or help of some sort. And it sounds like he is still very untrusting about letting people in and you may now be lumped in with the rest of humanity.

Are you saying that when he let his guard down more is when you responded the way you did? Is he perceiving this as you jumping ship as soon as you see more of what is really going on with him?

You have gone through so much and worked so hard. Im so sorry you are again having to deal with this stuff but in a different way. I hope you manage to sort it out with him. Really he needs treatment.

Hi Abstract. Thanks for the good word. It's def sucking to be sucked back into the vortex. Trying to stay centered and this space is a gift that way ;) I agree he needs help beyond my support and I think that is really what is upsetting him now, that I overloaded a bit and re-emphasized that unexpectedly. He has his Marine pride.

I can only imagine just seeing how much it's hurting me, and in his mind my getting upset which to him felt out of the blue on an eve when he thought hey, we're having a good time, and all I was feeling was electricity, anxiety coming from him when the night before he was depressed, that was it...? He truly didn't seem to understand why I was upset and worried. I think his drama meter is set on redline all the time and for the rest of us, that's tiring right?

And to answer your question, no, I definitely don't think he perceives me jumping ship due to his sharing stuff, that wasn't the trigger (I think) because it wasn't about that at all at the time and as he's shared openly and I've been there unconditionally through all that stuff for 3 years, though I bobble a little as I learn and we always patch up once time passes and he can decompress and we communicate again.

I'm not sure if I should continue to let him decompress this time and fully leave him alone and see if he comes back, as he always has before in our time together, or be proactive and send some kind of text letting him know that I need to know for certain if he needs continued space or if he's moved on without me. Why the 11:59 Merry Xmas Cricket text then? Courtesy?

I am totally triggered tonight wondering where he is and if maybe he's just met someone else and gone on and is avoiding. I know I'm not the only one who goes to that ugly place when their sufferer sends them crumbs and won't tell them what's going on. It sucks.

 

[WinterCricket]

I think for me, it would be easier if he didn't feel the need to call it a "breakup" every time. That's what makes it unsafe for me. Because then I'm left to wonder every time if he "really means it." When you break up twice a year anywhere from a couple hours to weeks, it's hard to say.
This time, a few things seem different, but everything else is the same. He is still responding and making plans, but is not doing a couple things that were for my mental well being like saying goodnight every night. It seems trivial, but we agreed a long time ago we would always do that. I don't know if it's in purpose or not.
But that's the one part that hurts right now. That saying goodnight isn't regular and that was always my sign he was okay. It was a sign we were going to be okay. It was a sign I matter, even if for just a little bit. It's stupid, because he is talking, and texting, slowly opening up, that should show me I matter too. But not seeing goodnight interferes with my sleep. I guess maybe I should stop texting it to him. That's the only reply that I've come to rely on, and not getting it keeps me awake. Maybe I'll keep doing it, but stop relying on it back.

I actually don't know what to do. I guess this time I'm different too. I'm not doing some of the enabling things I've done in the past either. I can't help but think if I could actually get some sleep, I could problem solve a bit better.
As far as him needing the time and space, I have no problem with letting him have it. I always have plenty to do and take care of. I'm just struggling this time with how much to detach and how present to be. I don't want to be up his rear end, but I want him to know I'm here and I care. Plus I like knowing he does too.

Why is this harder for me to figure out this time? It's it from hearing my "supporters" telling me to walk away and make him beg to come back? I don't know. It's exhausting and I've told them that's not helping me because our relationship isn't normal, and I'm okay with that. They say bs....he just keeps showing you that you don't matter and he doesn't want you. I don't agree. I don't think it's got much of anything to do with me. There's one friend, though that says give him his space. He loves you and you're connection is special so he'll be back after he fights his demons.

What do you guys think? I mean, I treat it like a breakup, but I don't, if that makes sense. Like I try to let myself go through the grieving process and prepare myself for if it's "real" this time. Honestly, it is real to me, because it's always the "death" of our "old" relationship to me. I never try to go back, only forward. I try to use each break as a springboard to a new better relationship between us every time. We've grown from it each time.

I don't want to leave him, but he really seems to be pushing exceptionally hard this time. I might have to let go as completely as I can to let him figure it out. Boy this is tough. @Freida, boy I could use lessons from your hubby today, lol.

I guess I'm just trying to say, isolation isn't hard for me to deal with, but the breakup label is... like I look like a fool for being invested in a relationship that doesn't exist anymore. I hate looking stupid. Like....it triggers the crap out of me to look foolish. I mean to the point it's probably unhealthy. Like I get a lot of my self worth from being smart.

Ohhhh lightbulb! Maybe I should focus on being invested in him, the man I love...and not worry about the relationship. It seems like a simple concept, but a bit foreign. I can maybe do that and still be true to myself too. I can be authentically me and honor myself and still love him too.

Maybe take a bigger step back, but work on our connection, safer connection. Maybe I need to give him even more space to work on his healing. I know we're in different places right now. It wasn't hard for me to be with him while I processed, so I maybe take for granted he would be okay too.

It will likely be messier for him. He might feel he can't process if he has to be "a strong man " "for me". I don't know how to make him see, I don't need him to be, and I won't think less of him. This feels like a powerful revelation to me for some reason, as simple and common sense as it may seem as a concept.

The reality is, I enjoy doing things with him. I enjoy our life. I have fun when he's around. I miss him being loving to me, though. I miss him wanting me. Things do need to change. But can they? I think only time will tell, but only after he starts working through his stuff...stuff he'll have to do alone.

Maybe my own mental issues have prevented me understanding this. Maybe I'm scared to put it into action because of what my family will say. I get tired of fighting on all fronts...but I don't have to buy into the false dichotomy. There is something more than black and white. Our relationship is definitely a shade of gray.

Boy, I must sound absolutely crazy! I blame the sleep deprivation. Now if I could just get the nightmares to go away, maybe I can process all of this.

NaeNae, I echo you at every word. I haven't made it all the way thru this thread yet, but I hope there's been progress for you two since you wrote this. I am with you in spirit and in the very same place just before new years, it gives me nightmares too. Fighting on all fronts...Gray....

 

[Abstract]

It may be that you were inadvertently saving him from facing some of the reality of what he is dealing with. Its possible that is now sinking in more. He could react to that in all sorts of ways especially since he really does not want to go there and is still convinced he can avoid doing so. For you and the breakup, I really don't know. I guess you can't lose anything sending the letter. You need to think of the sustainability of it all too for you I think.

 

[WinterCricket]

I'm sorry you are going through this...I can only offer you this example...

Last night my husband asked me to pick something up from the grocery store really fast as I ran errands. No problem. As I stood in line my eyes caught a glimpse of peanut M&M's. I took a breath and turned away...and my mind starts wondering...
"Oh, it's my turn, oh sorry." I walk up to the self check out, and they are right there. "I've only got four items to scan, just go fast." My eyes keep darting back and forth to the peanut M&M's, my body tenses, and I start breathing a little more quickly. "Hurry up, hurry up, stupid card, what's my code, oh my gosh, what's my code!?! Ok, ok...let's go!"
Here's another example...(not with my husband)
(Don't offer me any of your peanut M&M's, I don't want any.)
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Go ahead, take some."
"No thank you."
"What? Are you allergic to peanuts?"
"No."
"You just don't want any?"
"No, I don't."
"What? Do you have a thing against peanut M&M's?"
(Here's where it gets interesting...because, yes, I do have a thing against peanut M&M's...I've already begun shutting down, and now my mind is where I don't want it to be. I can't even concentrate on what your saying, what? 'what do I have against peanut M&M's?' I don't think you want to know...and if I tell you, it's going to be a "thing" I'll start hyperventilating, talking fast, and a little louder. I'm going to start tearing up, I'll probably start crying, I'll have to relive it again with you looking at me. Do you really want to know what I went through because of peanut M&M's? You'll get upset, shocked, mad, sad, I don't know...I'll have to apologize for upsetting you, I don't want you to pity me....no, no, no. It's better for you and me if I just don't talk about it.)
"I just don't want any of your stupid M&M's, ok!?"
"Fine, I was just trying to be nice."
(I know, I know, my eyes roll, hand to my forehead, please just stop, just let it go...stop, stop pressuring me..I know it's "irrational," but, yeah, ok, I can't be near you right now. I have to go deal with that trauma now, the one I can't tell you about. It's going to take some time. I don't know how long.)
****or worse, this...***
"Gee, what's your problem anyway?"
AAAAANNNDDD...I'm gone...I'm don't want to be around you, you're cornering me, I'm afraid of you. I have to get away from you.
Unfortunately, she's feeling a lot, just different things than you :(

Great analogies, and I can't help but notice the strand of sufferers being triggered at stores. When I was feeling roughest myself, I once had a meltdown at a Home Goods because a Madonna song came on and it took me 15 minutes of listening to Lonestar in the car before I could limp home.

Guess I'm proof even a 'recovered' person can forget some of the pain that came with the monsters, and you've made me realize I've been shoving my M&Ms on my Marine. I think empaths have an especially hard time with PTSD, both from the developing it standpoint and from the helping standpoint, we feel things so deeply and get enmeshed easily. This is a topic I'd love to discuss more here at some point!

Anyway, being ignored seems to be one of my major triggers, guess I'm afraid he'll switch to Skittles in the meantime.

 

[WinterCricket]

I guess for me, not really because I'm already living in the nightmare. I've been in it for my entire existence, so it is all I know. Happy go lucky dreams are not part of my life.

I understand not wanting to wish it on anyone. I'm perfectly aware of the pain involved. I know that my dad was the opposite, and gave us our first glimpse at the monsters as early as my memories exist.He talked about every gory detail to us ever since we were way too young to even understand. His depictions of combat were definitely not close to PG. The flashbacks where we had to try to not be seen by him to survive were even worse. But this was and is still normal for my dad. The flashbacks are mostly gone since he quit drinking, but as he's aging, I'm afraid of what dementia will mean for us as a family. So I get not wanting to let someone ALL the way in.

With K, I don't pry. I let him tell me what he does and let him keep what he doesn't want to tell me. He returns the favor. No one but my T knows more about me and my trauma than him. I spare him details too. But I never have felt the need to break up to protect him. On the few occasions that I have completely checked out...he wouldn't leave even when I asked. Just let me be in my room. I only physically left once because while falling asleep I had a flashback and left not even knowing where I was or who he was. That's different, though.

But I'm not asking to go through his hell with him. I would, if he asked me to...because I more detach and dissociate. I guess I'm saying that he doesn't need to break up to keep me from it. I don't need to invade his space. He can have it with my love. He's allowed to do whatever he needs to for himself, including this. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that I understand why.

Because this doesn't protect anyone from anything in the real world. At least not in my real world. Because my imagination of the horror is often way worse than what he shares anyway. Also, leaving doesn't make the "person you love" shut off their feelings. It creates more for them. People don't have pause buttons. Removing yourself doesn't protect anyone from anything...not really. I understand why the "sufferer" needs to believe it for their safett, but it's not what happens in reality. Leaving or complete divulging aren't the only two options.

See, by him breaking up or telling me I need to find someone better, or him telling me all the self-loathing reasons he needs to isolate, he IS pulling me into it. Watching him, knowing he's suffering, but being forced to keep my distance does exactly the opposite of protect me from it. I'm helpless to fix anything either way...but if I'm around, I can at least do stuff with his son. That both makes me feel better and keeps his son from suffering isolation right along with him. I can at least help do day to day stuff that takes a little extra out of the stress cup. Sometimes that helps the longevity of an "episode". You see pushing away ties my hands, it doesn't save me from anything.

Even if we break up, guess what, I still deal with PTSD every day anyway. Mine, my dad, my adopted daughter....so no it doesn't make any more sense. Because I'm still here. He might not want me to be, but I am. I'm not afraid of sitting with him in the dark....I live there.

I know that a lot of this, for him, comes from shame. I know you follow Brene Brown, Eve....so you know where I'm going with this....so she talks all the time that shame lives in the dark, the shadows of solitude. When shared, it begins to die. That when shared, shame cannot survive. There us literally nothing he could say that would shake me. Nothing he could tell me that I haven't heard worse from my father or experienced in my own trauma or things I've done to survive.

But even if that wasn't the case, the perceived threat is just that. It's real to the survivor, but not the supporter. When I have opened up to him, it didn't make it real for him, he didn't retract in horror like I do for my own stuff. Anything he's ever told me, isn't my trauma...it's his. I don't recoil, I don't think less, I don't feel sorry...I just try to emphasize with the fact it's real to him and sit next to him with it. I try to give him what I would want.

So it doesn't make sense, because being around and not isolating isn't really protecting your loved one...it just feels that way because that's the survivors perspective/ point of view. Unless you actually trust the other person and open up with the person, you'll never actually know how it affects them.

Honestly I don't know the real answer because I'm screwed up too...and I also can only see things from my own experiences.

But I think the reality is, if that was true, every therapist in the world would be damaged...people can be more resilient than we give them credit for. Plus the severity trauma is experienced as is usually tied to the emotions and conditions of each individual.

I'm again, not trying to be confrontational, but it isn't just that simple. Survivors deal with a LOT, but so do supporters. I've been on both sides of the fence...neither is a cup of tea at different times. To just disregard supporters isn't healthy either. I mean, after almost 9 years, I think I've proven I'm not going to have a melt down. But he doesn't see it when he's symptomatic. All he sees is the distorted cognition, and the thought that supporters need to be protected can honestly be one of them.

Now, don't get me wrong, some people can't handle it but each relationship needs to be considered on case by case...
I believe healthy relationships can be achieved, but only when healing is sought out. Connection is one of those chicken/ egg things. It's needed for trust, but builds it. It heals, but you need to be healthy enough to be open to it.

I believe most survivors/ sufferers here are trying to heal, so the dynamic can be a bit different. Yikes...I think this might be babbling, so I'm going to stop now. My mind is a mile a minute...

Not babbling, much wisdom here! Two split sides of a coin trying to unite here on this forum and both trying to protect the other, ironic. There's so much love but the demons are in the middle eeking out what should be easy comms, like static when you dial in a frequency and it's jamming and you can't quite hear the other end. Good that we're all learning workarounds here, light signals, frequency jumping, whatever it takes to get thru, and even sometimes, when to be silent and wait.

 

[WinterCricket]

From a supporter side currently in who knows what status because I had to step away until he makes healthier choices again. Finally getting some form of contact but he is mad as hell at me and his pride is currently in the way. My combat vet had told me that he pushes away/isolates from those closest to him to "protect" yet he can still function with superficial relationships (friends/colleagues) and attend "must go to events", but is severely drained and experiences the aftermath for days. I've watched him interact with others while isolating from me. It flipping sucks and puts a head spin on me, but I remind myself of what he told me and how his head is working at that time. It is something that if we come back from this current situation, it needs to be addressed. I like to call the isolation and pushing away, rising the wave, but sometimes that wave gets the better of me and triggers my own crap.

Reaching out would be dependent on you, the person, and situation. He knows regardless of the relationship I love him and care. We have been at this a while. I reach out to tell him I love him. Tell I'm here for him. Anything heavier than that causes him to retreat and I have to really control myself because I'm filled my own feelings about the whole thing. It doesnt hurt to let someone know you care and until he tells me to go kick rocks or blocks me I'm going to reach out because I told him I wouldn't give up and I'd be there for him.

It takes guts, hope things are improving after this writing. I'm right there.