frogthroat
Diamond Member
See you soon @littleoc
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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally
- Post starter littleoc
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- #3,771
littleoc
VIP Member
So I have 700 notifications. Something tells me I can expect to never be caught up, so, sorry about that o.O :P
Thank you all for all the hugs and well wishes :) :hug:
Then my mom covered up the stove again so I aggressively through everything away. Mostly rotted food.
Also the fridge is once again completely full.
Also I had to wash a car seat cover and now it's stiff. Pretty sure my mom shit herself in my car. It's clean now but the car seat cover isn't as soft anymore. Probably the amount of chemicals I saturated it with. It smells amazing now though.
I'm thinking about locking my card until I have an income.
But I had a depressive episode that was abnormally long so I got impulsive and went to adopt a rare breed of scorpion. (I am a great scorpion mom. They love me. So do spiders. Scorpions are skittish and delicate and need a special kind of love when they are pets.) But someone had adopted the friend before I arrived, and the staff told me about a leopard gecko who hadn't been adopted in over a year because she's so frightened of people, so I was like, "Take me to her :D" and she is very calm here and hasn't shown a single sign of fear. She even lets me hand feed her. I'm very sure they were overwhelming her. I'm going to call them and tell them they should consider having a quiet room for people who are meeting animals for the first time, because I'm sure it was all the movement and sounds. Cuz she's super chill now. I even got her a tiny itty bitty doggy bed (like the size of my hand, more like a hamster bed) and we have watched movies together. She's VERY chill and looks at me when I talk.
But anyway, she's cheered me up a ton and I spent a lot of money getting her comfy but already had most of what I needed so that's awesome. (My dad and I used to house hundred of reptiles. He was an animal hoarder. He didn't understand that they were alive.)
Unfortunately it's giving me pseudo-flashbacks to the fat-tailed geckos my mom basically forced me to let die. It's a long story and I don't want to tell it.
I'm still having daily nightmares of Brandi but I'm ignoring them.
Right in the middle of the bad depression thing (don't ask me what triggered it) I visited my psychiatrist even though I don't have insurance and she told me to be careful not to lose hope and prescribed me an antidepressant. She said I can go off the antidepressant once I move out.
I think I had a couple of psychotic thoughts but I am not sure. Luckily I'm completely fine. Not cracking too much. But feeling a lot of resentment and it's upsetting me.
Otherwise, I'm great!!! I'm always fine :) :) :) I am going to woman up and make connections locally so I can visit my friend Scottie more. He and I were friends in high school because Brandi approved. He fell out of favor with Brandi as soon as Scottie pointed out that Brandi proudly calling herself a hypocrite was stupid and then visited me at my house without talking to Brandi about it.
Also my friend who lives in Las Vegas now (we went to the same university) invited me over once I have a job that will pay for the trip (I'm thinking setting aside $200 for the plane ticket and $300 for other expenses will do) and we talked about going to Israel together sometime if it works out (with my synagogue, not alone, but I want to go with someone I actually know for once -- I keep having bad experiences with people in foreign countries).
Aaaaand I saw the same kids movie in theaters a few times straight. Really good movie!
And.... my mom is suddenly being very pushy about religion for some reason. I'll talk about that in a different post though.
However, my grandparents are under some stress currently. And they keep wanting my mom to return stuff to my dad that legally isn't his. And my grandmother keeps telling my mom that she hates my dad's current girlfriend (a married woman who has a history of killing her abusive boyfriends? don't know if it's true obviously) so I'm a little worried she's trying to get my mom to date my dad again and I really just don't know what to do in this situation.
That, and they asked me a weird, pretty discrimination-y question I didn't know how to answer and then immediately terminated the interview and I thought it went well but they sent me an email saying I don't fit. I'm going to keep looking around for something where the people don't judge as much?
I got a hug from the mayor of Nashville! Well, she resigned, and was forced to resign, but still. She's really cool. Very empathetic. Gives great hugs!
I may have looked like a wreck if she wanted to hug me but whatever, super worth it! Just kidding though :P
:)
Thank you all for all the hugs and well wishes :) :hug:
Well... if I'm way too honest... I've been overwhelmed about things. I had some sort of weird breakdown and somehow spent $1000? This house is really messing with me. Really seriously. I didn't want to remove the radio from the bird room but without internet I couldn't play music, and Nestle is still dysregulated (I'll tell that story in a moment) so I stopped being able to wake up or do things around the house.
Then my mom covered up the stove again so I aggressively through everything away. Mostly rotted food.
Also the fridge is once again completely full.
Also I had to wash a car seat cover and now it's stiff. Pretty sure my mom shit herself in my car. It's clean now but the car seat cover isn't as soft anymore. Probably the amount of chemicals I saturated it with. It smells amazing now though.
I'm thinking about locking my card until I have an income.
But I had a depressive episode that was abnormally long so I got impulsive and went to adopt a rare breed of scorpion. (I am a great scorpion mom. They love me. So do spiders. Scorpions are skittish and delicate and need a special kind of love when they are pets.) But someone had adopted the friend before I arrived, and the staff told me about a leopard gecko who hadn't been adopted in over a year because she's so frightened of people, so I was like, "Take me to her :D" and she is very calm here and hasn't shown a single sign of fear. She even lets me hand feed her. I'm very sure they were overwhelming her. I'm going to call them and tell them they should consider having a quiet room for people who are meeting animals for the first time, because I'm sure it was all the movement and sounds. Cuz she's super chill now. I even got her a tiny itty bitty doggy bed (like the size of my hand, more like a hamster bed) and we have watched movies together. She's VERY chill and looks at me when I talk.
But anyway, she's cheered me up a ton and I spent a lot of money getting her comfy but already had most of what I needed so that's awesome. (My dad and I used to house hundred of reptiles. He was an animal hoarder. He didn't understand that they were alive.)
Unfortunately it's giving me pseudo-flashbacks to the fat-tailed geckos my mom basically forced me to let die. It's a long story and I don't want to tell it.
I'm still having daily nightmares of Brandi but I'm ignoring them.
Right in the middle of the bad depression thing (don't ask me what triggered it) I visited my psychiatrist even though I don't have insurance and she told me to be careful not to lose hope and prescribed me an antidepressant. She said I can go off the antidepressant once I move out.
I think I had a couple of psychotic thoughts but I am not sure. Luckily I'm completely fine. Not cracking too much. But feeling a lot of resentment and it's upsetting me.
Otherwise, I'm great!!! I'm always fine :) :) :) I am going to woman up and make connections locally so I can visit my friend Scottie more. He and I were friends in high school because Brandi approved. He fell out of favor with Brandi as soon as Scottie pointed out that Brandi proudly calling herself a hypocrite was stupid and then visited me at my house without talking to Brandi about it.
Also my friend who lives in Las Vegas now (we went to the same university) invited me over once I have a job that will pay for the trip (I'm thinking setting aside $200 for the plane ticket and $300 for other expenses will do) and we talked about going to Israel together sometime if it works out (with my synagogue, not alone, but I want to go with someone I actually know for once -- I keep having bad experiences with people in foreign countries).
Aaaaand I saw the same kids movie in theaters a few times straight. Really good movie!
And.... my mom is suddenly being very pushy about religion for some reason. I'll talk about that in a different post though.
No. I'm not really sure what to do here. I'm confused. I've realized finally that my grandmother won't be mad or disappointed at me, but at my mom. Then my mom would be mad at me. But my grandmother would be upset that she's forced her kids to live in this condition. Found that out from my little bro.
However, my grandparents are under some stress currently. And they keep wanting my mom to return stuff to my dad that legally isn't his. And my grandmother keeps telling my mom that she hates my dad's current girlfriend (a married woman who has a history of killing her abusive boyfriends? don't know if it's true obviously) so I'm a little worried she's trying to get my mom to date my dad again and I really just don't know what to do in this situation.
Nope. I think I came across as too confident.
That, and they asked me a weird, pretty discrimination-y question I didn't know how to answer and then immediately terminated the interview and I thought it went well but they sent me an email saying I don't fit. I'm going to keep looking around for something where the people don't judge as much?
Pretty good!
I got a hug from the mayor of Nashville! Well, she resigned, and was forced to resign, but still. She's really cool. Very empathetic. Gives great hugs!
I may have looked like a wreck if she wanted to hug me but whatever, super worth it! Just kidding though :P
:hug:
:hug:
:)
Kubash16
VIP Member
Oh goodness it’s been so much! That would be overwhelming. I’m sorry about the job I sure hope something better comes along. Don’t worry about catching up on notifications lol. :hug: :hug:
- Post starter
- #3,774
littleoc
VIP Member
Weird thing: my mom has suddenly gotten aggressive about religion out of nowhere. It is emotionally exhausting and I'm not sure how to address it.
The other day she asked me how I was liking the synagogue. I said, "I love them. The best part is that they don't mind what I believe, and they accept me for who I am."
And my mom said, "So they don't care that you're not a Jew?"
I said said something to the extent of "?????????????????????????????????????????"
She said that was a misunderstanding and I believed her. She said she thought I "couldn't be" because she was raised Catholic. I clarified that I meant that they didn't give a f*ck that I was gay.
But it made me think of the day I told her I was going to that synagogue and she kept asking, "Oh, are you experimenting?" but in a way where I could tell she wasn't trying to be demeaning but she was refusing to stop asking even after I kept saying "No, I just haven't been in a while," and then got uncomfortable because she started asking me insanely personal questions (but not the obvious ones like, "Oh, what do you believe?")
Anyway. A few days later I was telling her cool fun facts about how the Egyptian plagues were linked to ecological causes. (Ask if you're curious, but for now, long story short there was a very well times volcanic explosion that affected Egypt specifically (cool) and caused a very strange chain reaction that even could have parted water over time and led to the death of specifically first borns through unfortunate consequences -- it's all very interesting from an ecology perspective.) My mom gives me a hard look and goes, "So the story is all fake and the people were stupid."
Um. No. I told her it doesn't matter to me what she believes, not my business, but those people weren't stupid. And it wasn't fake. I just said there is ecological evidence that it happened. I don't care what her perspective on that is, she can think anything she wants to on it, but that was... weird, to say the least.
The other night at dinner she started telling me that if the synagogue asks me for money I need to refuse because that's inappropriate.
And she keeps suggesting I'm going to get shot. Especially if I hang out with my Muslim friends. Weirdly, after five years, I have not yet been shot.
It's just all very strange. I'm not sure what to do about it so I asked my therapist. My therapist told me my mom is probably threatened by me trying to join another community while also planning on moving out. Her evidence was that my mom has recently started also being weird about me moving out. When I told her I was looking around at places that sell cheap used furniture, she said, "Why? You're not going anywhere. You're not moving out."
It's not like my mom at all. Or maybe I just believe my mom when she tells me she cares about my independence. I remember my mom telling me a million times her opinions -- but they didn't always match her actions. Her actions are confusing. Like when she says I can put things wherever I want in my dorm room, and then Brandi had to stand up for me because my mom was arguing with me about what I wanted.
It's all just strange. My mom is not abusive but she sure as hell isn't functional. The denial of religion stuff though. That's exactly what I thought my dad was forcing her to do when she traumatized my little brother by telling him that Heaven wasn't real when he was eight years old. Now I have doubts. And I keep remembering my twin brother having to not talk about religion with my mom (my twin converted to an extremist Christianity) because she'd just say he was stupid and the Bible was a piece of shit text. Which is a pretty rude way to say that you disagree with one small part.
My mom probably has some religious trauma or something but pretty much everyone does eventually. She hasn't even asked me what I actually believe. And if she did I think she'd be a lot more comfortable because I'm not as extreme as she's making me out to be. Otherwise she would have known way before now. She's telling me it's stupid that I believe in ancient fairy tales. She hasn't even asked me how I view the stories. For f*cks sake, my history theses all revolved around Kramer's work and finding more connections between Jewish mythology and Sumerian mythology. I regularly write and talk about how monotheism is a new idea. As in, I'm up for discussing it. I love discussing it. I'm not going to get weird about it. Or say the other 6000 gods she may or may not believe in are shit. It's not my business. It's not my mom's business, but now every time I try to say fun facts she says, "So you're not really Jewish?" No, I guess educated is a religion in itself now days.
/rant
The other day she asked me how I was liking the synagogue. I said, "I love them. The best part is that they don't mind what I believe, and they accept me for who I am."
And my mom said, "So they don't care that you're not a Jew?"
I said said something to the extent of "?????????????????????????????????????????"
She said that was a misunderstanding and I believed her. She said she thought I "couldn't be" because she was raised Catholic. I clarified that I meant that they didn't give a f*ck that I was gay.
But it made me think of the day I told her I was going to that synagogue and she kept asking, "Oh, are you experimenting?" but in a way where I could tell she wasn't trying to be demeaning but she was refusing to stop asking even after I kept saying "No, I just haven't been in a while," and then got uncomfortable because she started asking me insanely personal questions (but not the obvious ones like, "Oh, what do you believe?")
Anyway. A few days later I was telling her cool fun facts about how the Egyptian plagues were linked to ecological causes. (Ask if you're curious, but for now, long story short there was a very well times volcanic explosion that affected Egypt specifically (cool) and caused a very strange chain reaction that even could have parted water over time and led to the death of specifically first borns through unfortunate consequences -- it's all very interesting from an ecology perspective.) My mom gives me a hard look and goes, "So the story is all fake and the people were stupid."
Um. No. I told her it doesn't matter to me what she believes, not my business, but those people weren't stupid. And it wasn't fake. I just said there is ecological evidence that it happened. I don't care what her perspective on that is, she can think anything she wants to on it, but that was... weird, to say the least.
The other night at dinner she started telling me that if the synagogue asks me for money I need to refuse because that's inappropriate.
And she keeps suggesting I'm going to get shot. Especially if I hang out with my Muslim friends. Weirdly, after five years, I have not yet been shot.
It's just all very strange. I'm not sure what to do about it so I asked my therapist. My therapist told me my mom is probably threatened by me trying to join another community while also planning on moving out. Her evidence was that my mom has recently started also being weird about me moving out. When I told her I was looking around at places that sell cheap used furniture, she said, "Why? You're not going anywhere. You're not moving out."
It's not like my mom at all. Or maybe I just believe my mom when she tells me she cares about my independence. I remember my mom telling me a million times her opinions -- but they didn't always match her actions. Her actions are confusing. Like when she says I can put things wherever I want in my dorm room, and then Brandi had to stand up for me because my mom was arguing with me about what I wanted.
It's all just strange. My mom is not abusive but she sure as hell isn't functional. The denial of religion stuff though. That's exactly what I thought my dad was forcing her to do when she traumatized my little brother by telling him that Heaven wasn't real when he was eight years old. Now I have doubts. And I keep remembering my twin brother having to not talk about religion with my mom (my twin converted to an extremist Christianity) because she'd just say he was stupid and the Bible was a piece of shit text. Which is a pretty rude way to say that you disagree with one small part.
My mom probably has some religious trauma or something but pretty much everyone does eventually. She hasn't even asked me what I actually believe. And if she did I think she'd be a lot more comfortable because I'm not as extreme as she's making me out to be. Otherwise she would have known way before now. She's telling me it's stupid that I believe in ancient fairy tales. She hasn't even asked me how I view the stories. For f*cks sake, my history theses all revolved around Kramer's work and finding more connections between Jewish mythology and Sumerian mythology. I regularly write and talk about how monotheism is a new idea. As in, I'm up for discussing it. I love discussing it. I'm not going to get weird about it. Or say the other 6000 gods she may or may not believe in are shit. It's not my business. It's not my mom's business, but now every time I try to say fun facts she says, "So you're not really Jewish?" No, I guess educated is a religion in itself now days.
/rant
- Post starter
- #3,775
littleoc
VIP Member
Something will eventually! Even if it's not the ideal job I'll take it and look for a better one while I'm there, just for the ability to be closer to moving out. This place is crazy.
lol thanks! I don't think it'd be possible anyway :laugh:
Thank you :hug: :hug: :hug:
- Post starter
- #3,776
littleoc
VIP Member
On top of everything, my dog can no longer eat meat from any hooved animal. At first the vet said, "You're dog can't eat pork anymore," and I said, "Hah!" because the synagogue will love that, but then the vet continued that she can only have turkey, chicken, and fish. Forever. No bones ever again ever.
Poor Nestle! So I got her some nylon and rubber bones. She doesn't have enough room in here to play though so she was mentally surviving by destroying and eating bones, but still she won't mess up fake bones or her stuffed animals. She just quit doing much of any playing. Which means, she's probably getting depressed too. According to the vet. So I need to get her out of here.
And I've started taking Slinky on walks. I realized Slinky is actually my cat even though my mom loves her so I'll do whatever the f*ck Slinky needs without permission. I can hear her breathing so she NEEDS to go outside and get fresh air and lose some weight. I've got her on a leash so she'll be perfectly fine.
Slinky was Brandi's cat's kitten. Slinky has never ever lived in a clean house before, but when I clean spaces, Slinky still likes to lay in the clean spot.
Poor Nestle! So I got her some nylon and rubber bones. She doesn't have enough room in here to play though so she was mentally surviving by destroying and eating bones, but still she won't mess up fake bones or her stuffed animals. She just quit doing much of any playing. Which means, she's probably getting depressed too. According to the vet. So I need to get her out of here.
And I've started taking Slinky on walks. I realized Slinky is actually my cat even though my mom loves her so I'll do whatever the f*ck Slinky needs without permission. I can hear her breathing so she NEEDS to go outside and get fresh air and lose some weight. I've got her on a leash so she'll be perfectly fine.
Slinky was Brandi's cat's kitten. Slinky has never ever lived in a clean house before, but when I clean spaces, Slinky still likes to lay in the clean spot.
- Post starter
- #3,777
littleoc
VIP Member
If I pull out her work vest she pushes past anyone in her way and runs to the front door though. (Same with her regular leash of course.) So she's viewing actual work as less stressful than being forced to lay on my bed all day with no mental stimulation. So I'm taking her out as often as I can.
- Post starter
- #3,778
littleoc
VIP Member
These posts seem kind of depressing. I swear I just don't have any great outlet! Mostly because I choose not to. Soon I'll live away from here. But I power-cleaned the stove and got to cook a couple of eggs this morning. So that really helped me feel better!
And the Internet is back so I can play music on my side of the house again.
I feel lonely here. So I'm going to go out and try to visit friends, reconnect with people, maybe sneak into Scottie's basement and live with him. Scottie can't drive so he'd probably love it if I spent all my time there, lol.
And the Internet is back so I can play music on my side of the house again.
I feel lonely here. So I'm going to go out and try to visit friends, reconnect with people, maybe sneak into Scottie's basement and live with him. Scottie can't drive so he'd probably love it if I spent all my time there, lol.
- Post starter
- #3,779
littleoc
VIP Member
And, I told my therapist that it's dumb that my mom feels threatened. Clearly the reason I'm moving out is because of this house. And I've made it pretty damn clear that I expect to keep a relationship with the one parent who actually gave a shit about us when we were growing up. I don't have time for abandonment issues from a parent, man. She needs to get a therapist and it's not my problem if she doesn't. She's not taking it out on me. When I move and get some space to myself, then I'll be inviting her and my nephew over all the time. It's not like I'm going to just cut her off. I can't even completely cut off my dad and I'm positive he's incapable of love. You know?
- Post starter
- #3,780
littleoc
VIP Member
I wonder what would happen if I asked the mayor I got a hug from for help. lol
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