Undiagnosed Just signed up - seeking resources for sudden temper flares

[storyteller164]

In short - parents were perfect in public, monsters in private and completely hypocritical. Mom was an equal rights crusader and told me all about how abuse was bad while abusing me herself. Dad was largely silent on this stuff. After Mom passed (2004) I thought things would be better - they were not, turns out Dad was just as bad, he just let Mom do her thing.
As it sits now - I have VERY sudden temper flares, pretty much on instinct. There really is no buildup. My wife says something I don't like and I snap - going off about even tangental things. (Mom's abuses were often like this)
Obviously I cannot keep doing this to her and need to find out how to get it under control - I am going to seek formal counseling, but anything to help in the meantime is welcome.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you have PTSD? Suspect PTSD?

Welcome!

 

[storyteller164]

Do you have PTSD? Suspect PTSD?

Welcome!

Thanks.
I don't have a formal diagnosis of abuse related PTSD.
When I was in counseling related to ADD issues about 25 years ago, I told the counselor about an accident when I was 18 that split part of my face open and that ever since I cannot stand people touching my face. They commented "Sounds like PTSD" and went on with the rest of the session.

I tried online counseling a couple of years ago - that was more hinderance than help as pretty much everything I messaged with was met with "So how did that make you feel?" and nothing more. That and there were lame excuses for my parent's abuses claiming "Maybe it's a generational thing"

My current suspicion is a combination of CPTSD and likely some really bad learned behaviors - like everything is an angry conflict. Way beyond the (stereotypical, sorry) Italian New Yorker who argues everything - but real anger and conflict.

I have tried looking up anger management and emotional recognition online. The trouble is - everything I found talked about "When you feel it building up" and recognizing things in the moment. My issue is that in the moment, I have already snapped at my wife (sometimes others) and I don't fully realize until it's over and my wife is in tears.
I cannot continue this.

 

[grit]

First it is important you see a medical doctor to rule out brain damage, silent stroke or any other thing that may not be psychological. Then see a psychiatrist to be diagnosed if this is important to you.

Now, we are given brains to override emotions when we need them. There is no instinct anger that can just show up in adult, healthy person all of sudden out of the blue, if you can control this beast at work, then you can control it at home. I will highly recommend you act similar ways until you find the underlying issues. Your wife does not deserve this and you, as a child, you did not deserve this but the connection you are making are not right in this context.

You find you have anger issues, join anger group and get going before you impact your life in a way that is even bigger than temper flaring and acting out.

 

[EveHarrington]

You sound a lot like me.

It’s hella hard finding that proverbial wrench to throw in the gears in order to avoid a snap.

I’m working on this right now.

Medication has helped, but it’s not a cure. It just slows things down.

Hugs to you my friend.

 

[storyteller164]

You sound a lot like me.

It’s hella hard finding that proverbial wrench to throw in the gears in order to avoid a snap.

I’m working on this right now.

Medication has helped, but it’s not a cure. It just slows things down.

Hugs to you my friend.

Thanks again.
Truly, if I am aware, I can at least clamp down and not lash out. If I can even anticipate, I far more often than not can at least mostly control my reactions.
Anti-depressants just made me even more grouchy. My ADD meds do help with keeping me mentally present, but not ideal.
I think I have an idea of which way I need to go.
I'll be making an appointment with a counselor soon to get some formal help (Already saw them once as a couple) and need to work on my own stuff.
My wife is a domestic abuse survivor and suffice it to say - I REALLY can't put her through any more of this.

 

[zombycat]

Hi there and welcome. Props on reaching out for advice and for your intentions to get some help.

I struggle with my temper too, and since I often tend to dissociate from my emotions, I often don't realize that it's happening until I lash out at someone. Like you, once I realize it's happening, I can usually clamp down on it, but usually by then, I've already been a dick to someone I care about or picked a fight I'm now stuck trying to navigate while trying to keep a handle on my anger.

One of the things my therapist has been working on with me that I've found really helpful is recognizing my body cues. She says that even if I don't feel my emotions in that moment, my subconscious does, and my body reacts to it. She started by asking me to describe how my body physically feels when I'm in that angry moment. For me personally, my jaw clenches and my throat tightens. The goal in recognizing that is even if I don't feel angry in that moment, if I can recognize those danger signs, I can start actively policing my reactions to things before I flare out at people. And for the record, it's a work in progress, but it has helped. I hope that makes sense.

Also, just a suggestion, if she's not already in therapy of her own, it might be a good idea for her to seek out some help too while you're getting a handle on this.

 

[Friday]

If you do have PTSD, one of the most useful things I’ve ever come across is this >>> The ptsd cup explanation

Although one of my favorite quotes is from the original article (linked in the updated version)

Many people with PTSD struggle to understand why they fly off the handle at such little things, i.e., the toilet roll is around the wrong way, someone walked in front of you, that stranger looked at you, etc etc. The reason is actually quite simple, and easier to show than often explain, why those with PTSD tend to get angry quicker, more easily, and faster than others at little stupid things.

Again, IF you do have PTSD this is one of those things that rather than an excuse for bad behavior / lashing out/ etc... it’s a reason to lock it down. Losing the ability to do so? Is one of the things that often drives people into therapy to begin with (where they then learn the tools to lock it down; emotional monitoring and regulation, stress management, grounding, etc.). The good news is that self control IS something you can entirely get back, again. Not at all dissimilar to people with hypoglycemia getting enraged and lashing out due to low blood sugar... the low blood sugar / increased stress isn’t an excuse... but a step by step guide on how to not lose control in the first place. IE raise blood sugar levels with hypoglycemia, or manage stress better with PTSD. Easier said than done, but totally doable.

 

[storyteller164]

Thanks all for the replies and suggestions.
ADD meds do slow down the temper response a bit.
I think it may also be a combination of being taught that everything was an angry response from the get-go.
Mom was the primary abuser, always yelling, never listening and had seriously messed up ideas on how things worked. She would tell me tales of how she was beaten and abused growing up herself, never realizing - even when directly confronted - that she was continuing that cycle of abuse herself. She could never even admit she was abused, making "evil temper" and "jealousy" excuses.
So I am continuing the lessons of my mother, 14 years after her death.
But I cannot continue like that - I just cannot.

 

[zombycat]

But I cannot continue like that - I just cannot.

This is what led me to get help, and I think a lot of the people here are the same, so I can definitely understand. The day I realized that I was abusing others the way I had been abused was one of the worst of my life. I don't think I had ever hated myself more than in that moment.

 

[EveHarrington]

For me it was Wellbutrin that helped slow down the instant lash out response. It’s not gone, just better. Coping skills are a must! ACT skills have spoken to me the most, and it’s taken me TEN YEARS just to find these skills. Keep looking until you find what works for you!

 

[storyteller164]

For me it was Wellbutrin that helped slow down the instant lash out response. It’s not gone, just better. Coping skills are a must! ACT skills have spoken to me the most, and it’s taken me TEN YEARS just to find these skills. Keep looking until you find what works for you!

As it is now - my ADD meds seem to help the most. (Dexedrine) It helps keep my mind present and less fully instinctive. There have been times when I have had to self-medicate with Sudafed, but it is imperfect and medication costs are - well, you know.

One other factor I figured out - my new job has a long-ish commute. It's maybe 15 miles one way but traffic patterns turn that commute into at least an hour in the evenings. In the morning it's not too bad, only about 30-40 minutes.
I think that time stuck in traffic also allows my thoughts to run away with me and my past abuses come back and start their replay-dance, setting me further on edge.
Previous jobs either had a shorter commute or I could take a commuter bus which allowed me to just sleep for the ride home. The new job does not have easy access to public transit. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with that part.