Relationship Status:"Complicated"-Stories of Unlabeled PTSD Relationships, Labeled Relationships with Isolation Periods, "Limbo", and Coping Strategies

[NaeNae75]

I'm quite interested in knowing further details about some of your stories. I'm interested in hearing from both "Supporters" and "Sufferers" point of view on this topic. I have found so much comfort and ability to deal with being in the present in my own "complicated" relationship by listening and piecing together so many different people's stories on here. There is no doubt in my mind that there have been days this may have saved my life. Honestly. Because of my "status" as both sufferer and supporter, there have been some very dark days that I've gotten through simply because of the support I've received here.

This has led me to try to start a thread here that I hope you will be generous in sharing your experiences with this topic with me. I'm certain that I'm going to be in this "complicated" status for quite some time due to my own present situation. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this journey, and starting this thread has been in the forefront of my mind for weeks now. I've been "afraid" to put myself out there and start it until today.

My intent for this thread is to make it about all of us, and to find coping strategies by learning about what has worked, not worked for any of us. We're all so different, and have had different journeys, but that is what I have found so very helpful on this site. To feel solidarity, to feel heard, to have a place where I'm safe and not rejected. It's so rare in today's day and age. We have such a wealth of knowledge and experience as a collective.

I know that I've gone searching for so many people's stories...to the point I often feel like a stalker, lol! But I know how close I feel to you all as a consequence. I've been helped over the years I've been on here by so many people, it's such a blessing for me. I was going to tag a few of you, but I don't want anyone to feel called out, and I don't want anyone to feel left out if I missed them. I hope everyone feels welcome to share their stories and can ask for support too.

Some examples of what I'm looking for could include:

How long have you been in your relationship?
How often do isolation periods occur?
How would describe your version of "complicated": live together, live together, but separate rooms, different homes, dating, in communication, talking but single, friends, friends with benefits, not talking, etc?
What types of things do you do to keep busy?
What types of strategies do you implement for your own self care?
How did you work through your process of "letting go" while maintaining ties or not?
If you went through a period of not speaking, how long did it last? Who contacted who first?
Are you in individual counseling? Are they?
What are your experiences with couples counseling?
What has helped?
What didn't work?
What makes you feel safe?
What makes you feel loved?
How long do you think you will wait? What affects this decision?
Have you dated someone else in the interim?
Do you ever think of dating someone else? Why or why not?
Are you together now?
What made you go back/What made them come back?
If so, what are you doing differently now to prevent another separation if anything?
Do you have "rules of engagement" currently or for future breaks?
What would be the one thing you would wish to see for a stronger connection or bond?

I don't expect anyone to answer all of these questions, or these specifically...feel free to add your own or just tell your story the way you want. I only listed these to give people an idea of what to say or a place to start. I genuinely hope to get perspective from both sides of the coin. I've had a lot of moments lately where I've struggled with what deciding what I'm supposed to do or how to cope.

I've made the decision, for now, to remain in my "complicated" limbo relationship and see where we can go. I have, however, had moments that I've found it difficult to be patient during the process and just live in the moment. There are days I just want to throw a tantrum and rub a magic lamp and have a genie make everything okay. But the reality is, that's not going to happen right now. We both need time. I will have a separate post for my own story...I'm looking forward to reading yours too.

I'm going to say thank you in advance for participating in this. Each of your stories is important and brings me strength. I can't help but think that I'm not the only one. I really hope this goes somewhere because I get so much from each of you. I'm beyond grateful already, for the love and care that I've been offered by so many of you already!!!

 

[NaeNae75]

Well, I guess I'll start. I've been in my relationship for almost 9 years. I do, in fact still consider us in a relationship because of his actions, but since we're "broken up" by his language - I'm listing it as complicated and in limbo. He has made mention of us working on our foundations, needing time, has said he's not going to be looking for a different relationship, etc. We text daily and speak daily with some exceptions, we see each other about once a week right now.

His focus is on his therapy currently, getting his life back in order, and his son. He began therapy in September, and broke up with me shortly after because he said he's unable to be in a relationship until he can figure things out. I have accepted this. He said I'm his best friend, and he wants more for me than what he can currently provide. Our relationship has also been stressed from the fact we stopped participating in regular intercourse almost 2 years ago. It was causing him a lot of anxiety. He has always struggled with it, from the beginning, but it was getting a lot worse as time was going by. I think this has added to him feeling like he wasn't "good enough for me" as a boyfriend. Personally, because of my own PTSD, csa issues and other sexual trauma later in life, it was not a huge deal for me. I was just as happy with our intimacy coming from non-sexual activities...just our closeness.

I would like to see a day that when we're healthier we can add this component back in, but even this isn't a deal breaker for me right now. I figured out, through a LOT of introspection, that he's one of less than a handful of people that I actually trust, and probably the only man alive. I trusted my grandfather, and my uncle, but they have both passed away. So, this fact is why I've chosen to give it time to see how things go.

I told him that I get to decide what I want for me, so I will not accept his pressure to leave. I have decided to be his friend in this unlabeled limbo relationship and see where things go once he's gotten further along in his journey. I love him, and I feel he's worth sticking around for to see how things do or don't progress. In the last few months, there is definitely progress, but it is slow. He has good days and bad days.

Our relationship has been strained for a while due to a combination of my own issues and his previously untreated PTSD. I didn't see it as a problem quite as clearly as he did. Things with us go in and out of mild co-dependence between the two of us. This break, we have both been working diligently, and setting new boundaries trying to eradicate this part of our cycle once and for all. He's focusing on his trauma in therapy right now, and learning coping skills. I'm focusing on my "wholeness". I'm working past just my therapy and trying to bring all my parts back in, love them, heal them, and live consciously.

I've had friends pressure me into leaving, moving on, and dating other people. at first I considered it, but it brought me a lot of anxiety, so I'm choosing to be single for right now. With some of the progress we've made since I've made this decision, I feel it was the right one for me. I have days where I want my "life back", but then I realize that this journey is leading me to something better right now (due to the new things I'm learning about myself), this is how it has to be for the time being.

I have been coping by getting really deep into my own therapy in the meantime, as well as embarking on a spiritual journey to find myself and make myself whole. I'm looking at all facets of my life. I'm on here A LOT, and that helps too. I haven't been doing a very good job with keeping up with my work responsibilities, but I've been better at my home responsibilities currently. Home has been my focus. I'm in my slow season with work, so that's not the total end of the world, but it will be soon if I don't find motivation soon.

As far as letting go, I'm struggling with it. I haven't let go of speaking with him, or "moving on", but I have let go of controlling him. I think that's the most important part of letting go...but I'm not completely sure yet. I'm a lifelong control freak, so this has been difficult for me, to say the least. I've also begun to see more clearly when he's needing space, so I try to lean back and give it to him without freaking out.

I'm really trying to learn how to be okay with him not being around as much. I absolutely HATE it, but I need to let us both learn how to have autonomy in context of a relationship. Ultimately, if we make it through this and get our label back, we're setting ourselves up to have a genuinely healthy relationship despite us both having PTSD.

I'm looking forward to hearing how things have/haven't worked out for you. I still have a little anxiety that if I stopped talking to him, maybe he would go away. That's my own insecurities. But for now, I'm doing okay.

 

[EveHarrington]

How long have you been in your relationship?

Six months.

How often do isolation periods occur?

I’m not an isolator. I am a freak-er-out-er and push ‘em away. Same end result, just more drama. I come back in a day.

How would describe your version of "complicated":

It’s not complicated. We are together, boyfriend/girlfriend. Nothing more “serious” will be discussed for another year or so, minimum.

What types of strategies do you implement for your own self care?

“Me” time every day. Lots of down time.

If you went through a period of not speaking, how long did it last? Who contacted who first?

I am routinely blocked when I’m in fight mode. I hate it at the time but it’s necessary to stop the damage. He unblocks me by the next day. I usually resume contact. (We use iMessages so I can see when he’s received my messages again.)

Are you in individual counseling?

Yes.

Are they?

Yes.

What are your experiences with couples counseling?

None, but it is an option in the future.

What makes you feel safe? Loved?

Honesty. The love he shows me through his consistent actions, ie being there. Quality time and actions are my love languages.

Are you together now?

Yes.

What made you go back/What made them come back?

Love like no other that neither one of us has ever had before. The fighting is hell but we are working through minimizing it.

If so, what are you doing differently now to prevent another separation if anything?

Taking it step by step, day by day.

What would be the one thing you would wish to see for a stronger connection or bond?

Nothing....?



We’ve known each other over a year, together for six months. We were together for at least two months before I could call him my boyfriend. Totally my issue, I hate feeling owned, need my independence, which he gives me. We fight at least weekly, but almost all of it’s on me because I push when I don’t feel safe. He loves me unconditionally and like no guy I’ve been with before. I know he cares, I know he wants the best for me. His actions show this. In many ways he lets me take the lead because he wants me to feel comfortable and safe. I’m the one with the bigger sex drive and I am the one who initiates sex most of the time. He says he does this because I trigger much less when things are on my terms. We don’t talk about the future, just try to live in the moment. We both have a lot to work on so just being in the here and now suits us best. I struggle with thinking I’m only worth sex, and I know this hurts him.

There’s more, but this is all I’ll say for now. I hope it’s what you’re looking for.

 

[NaeNae75]

Six months.



I’m not an isolator. I am a freak-er-out-er and push ‘em away. Same end result, just more drama. I come back in a day.



It’s not complicated. We are together, boyfriend/girlfriend. Nothing more “serious” will be discussed for another year or so, minimum.



“Me” time every day. Lots of down time.



I am routinely blocked when I’m in fight mode. I hate it at the time but it’s necessary to stop the damage. He unblocks me by the next day. I usually resume contact. (We use iMessages so I can see when he’s received my messages again.)



Yes.



Yes.



None, but it is an option in the future.



Honesty. The love he shows me through his consistent actions, ie being there. Quality time and actions are my love languages.



Yes.



Love like no other that neither one of us has ever had before. The fighting is hell but we are working through minimizing it.



Taking it step by step, day by day.



Nothing....?



We’ve known each other over a year, together for six months. We were together for at least two months before I could call him my boyfriend. Totally my issue, I hate feeling owned, need my independence, which he gives me. We fight at least weekly, but almost all of it’s on me because I push when I don’t feel safe. He loves me unconditionally and like no guy I’ve been with before. I know he cares, I know he wants the best for me. His actions show this. In many ways he lets me take the lead because he wants me to feel comfortable and safe. I’m the one with the bigger sex drive and I am the one who initiates sex most of the time. He says he does this because I trigger much less when things are on my terms. We don’t talk about the future, just try to live in the moment. We both have a lot to work on so just being in the here and now suits us best. I struggle with thinking I’m only worth sex, and I know this hurts him.

There’s more, but this is all I’ll say for now. I hope it’s what you’re looking for.

Thank you, Eve! It's so very interesting, especially seeing it from the sufferer's position! I read a lot of your posts, so I knew some of this, but it helps to see the whole picture, especially when I'm trying to make decisions for my future. I don't know why, but hearing other people's stories on here really helps bring me back to reality. Our life is so different from other's that I literally can't ask people irl for direction. They just don't get it...and I go from needing support with my situation, to needing even more support because of feeling judged! Here, I get to be "normal".

People here seem to understand that putting more faith in his actions and understanding the process as opposed to him saying we're not together isn't going to kill me and isn't completely unhealthy. I'm not in denial, but they don't understand that. They don't see things the way I do. I totally understand the dynamics of your relationship...and your relationship can be completely made into what YOU need, not what society dictates.

Also, if you have any questions you want to add at any point, please feel free. I really appreciate your input!

 

[Sweetpea76]

How long have you been in your relationship?

Coming up on 7 years.

How often do isolation periods occur?

Not super often, but often enough. Usually just for a day or two, and then he comes back around. He’s never been gone more than 5 days or so, ever.

Are you in individual counseling? Are they?

I’m not in counseling, but there have been times I wished I was for sure. He isn’t currently, but he has off and on for years, including a few inpatient stays. We’re both open to couples therapy if the need arises, but so far so good.

How would describe your version of "complicated": live together, live together, but separate rooms, different homes, dating, in communication, talking but single, friends, friends with benefits, not talking, etc?

We “cohabitate” the vast majority of the time, but we maintain our own separate places just so he has some space when he needs it. We are monogamous, but we don’t label things or try to have “rules”.

What types of things do you do to keep busy?
What types of strategies do you implement for your own self care?

I’m a pretty independent person myself, and I enjoy alone time. Once I understood isolation I really was fine with it. I consider leaving him alone a loving act. I sometimes look forward to it, especially if he’s been in a shitty mood leading up. I spend it doing “decadent” things... may as well treat yo’ self when you can, right? Shopping, baths, going to bed early and sprawling across the whole thing, etc.

How long do you think you will wait? What affects this decision?

I don’t think I could hang on for an extended period of time if he’d break up or bugger off on me. That’s not the kind of relationship I want to be in. As much as I love him I cannot be miserable in my relationship. I’m too old for that shit.

What makes you feel safe?
What makes you feel loved?

He stays when the easiest thing in the world would be for him to run. He puts in the work. He hasn’t ever broken up with me. He’s not the biggest romantic, but I know he loves me. There is way more good than bad.

Even when he was symptomatic and lashing out verbally he never called me a name... as f*cked up as it sounds to consider that a good thing. He made that specific, conscious effort when the needle was all the way in the red and everything was short circuiting.

Are you together now?

Yep.

What would be the one thing you would wish to see for a stronger connection or bond?

We’re pretty well bonded... we have very similar mindsets and senses of humor. He’s always been very open and honest with me, but it has taken some time for him to really open up emotionally and be vulnerable with me. I’d like more of that. It feels more honest now.

 

[NaeNae75]

Thank you @Sweetpea76! It's so interesting to see the similarities and the differences! I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

You're input is always value added!

 

[Sweetpea76]

No problem... I think half the battle in all these relationships is finding the rhythm. What works, and what makes both partners 100% comfortable... damn what is normal/traditional/expected.

It is interesting to see how people have compromised and worked out kinks.

 

[NaeNae75]

No problem... I think half the battle in all these relationships is finding the rhythm. What works, and what makes both partners 100% comfortable... damn what is normal/traditional/expected.

It is interesting to see how people have compromised and worked out kinks.

Very true... working out the kinks is an excellent way of putting it.

 

[somerandomguy]

How long have you been in your relationship?

More than 10 years. I am the sufferer.

How often do isolation periods occur?

My isolation is pretty much just going into another room and staying there for an indefinite amount of time. There are also times when I'm around the family but not engaged in any way.

How would describe your version of "complicated": live together, live together, but separate rooms, different homes, dating, in communication, talking but single, friends, friends with benefits, not talking, etc?

Lots of arguing, lots of going into another room and staying there for an indefinite amount of time.

What types of things do you do to keep busy?

When I'm isolating, all I do is surf the web, pretty much. Maybe I read a book.

What types of strategies do you implement for your own self care?

I'm pretty bad at self-care.

Are you in individual counseling? Are they?

Yes. My wife is not.

What are your experiences with couples counseling?

Helpful! At one point we were arguing pretty much all the time with escalating nastiness, and a counselor really helped us get back on track.

What has helped?

Couples couseling. Individual therapy.

What didn't work?

Sex therapy, at least the first time around. The therapist was a grade-A jerk who sided completely with my wife. However, we went before either of us realized my sexual problems were trauma-related.

What makes you feel safe?

An absence of disagreement.

What makes you feel loved?

Sex.

 

[NaeNae75]

More than 10 years. I am the sufferer.

My isolation is pretty much just going into another room and staying there for an indefinite amount of time. There are also times when I'm around the family but not engaged in any way.

Lots of arguing, lots of going into another room and staying there for an indefinite amount of time.

When I'm isolating, all I do is surf the web, pretty much. Maybe I read a book.

I'm pretty bad at self-care.

Yes. My wife is not.

Helpful! At one point we were arguing pretty much all the time with escalating nastiness, and a counselor really helped us get back on track.

Couples couseling. Individual therapy.

Sex therapy, at least the first time around. The therapist was a grade-A jerk who sided completely with my wife. However, we went before either of us realized my sexual problems were trauma-related.

An absence of disagreement.

Sex.

Thank you for your sharing! It's interesting to see a male sufferer point of view too! I think more people could use to understand that sexual problems can often be trauma related (whether or not it was sexual trauma either).

I'm glad your experience with couples therapy was helpful. I've heard other good experiences too. Our therapist wasn't helpful at all... then when we tried again, he only went 2 weeks before he pulled out of everything.

Again, if you have questions too, feel free to ask.

 

[NaeNae75]

I was told today that our relationship is "non-conventional". So, I guess that's a step above limbo...LOL?
Now with a some time, healing, patience (and idk, luck?) Maybe I can have a real relationship back with him...

 

[Freida]

How long have you been in your relationship?

25 years as of April - I'm the sufferer (although he might say he is too since he has to put up with me! :laugh:

How often do isolation periods occur?

Planned? 4 times a year
Unplanned? totally depends on my stress level

What types of things do you do to keep busy?

I used to be a workaholic -- now I surf the web, watch netflix, hang out with hubby and dog, learn to relax. Seriously - learning to relax takes a lot of work and keeps me busy!

What types of strategies do you implement for your own self care?

Away time. Gotta have it.

Are you in individual counseling? Are they?

yes to me
No to him

What are your experiences with couples counseling?

Only reason we are still married. One of the smartest thing I was ever told was that every 7 years or so a relationship will start to deteriorate and you have to regroup. Most people don't realize that because they bail the first time it happens. We've done counseling a couple times around the 7 year marks and yep -- they aren't kidding. It's a real thing. Luckily we stayed married - but I have no idea how :laugh:

What makes you feel loved?

He calls me out on my shit. He usually knows I'm going south long before I do and he will point it out. Why does that make me feel loved? Because it shows he's paying attention and he's not going to bail on me just because I get symptomatic. I know he's going to be there for me no matter what

Are you together now?

Yep

Do you have "rules of engagement" currently or for future breaks?

I'm not allowed to just take off. I have to let him know that I'm leaving, a general idea of where I'm going and have to check in at least once each day once I get there.