Afraid To Confront

[astridluna28]

Hi everyone. Are you ever afraid to confront your partner who suffers from PTSD? Admittedly, I have my own personal hang ups that I have been working on. I hate confrontation, as it brought about trauma in my family of origin. I am working on speaking up more, but it doesn't help that my partner has major issues with criticism, and hearing negative feedback. He also has poor time management skills when it comes to personal care. This morning he lost his mind because he was teetering on the verge of running late and could not find his shoes. He threw things around violently in closet, cursed, and then yelled at me because he "can't find his shoes, and everything is always moving around". The truth is he doesn't lay out his clothes the night before, and when he takes his boots off at night I always put them back in the closet where all the shoes live. His dumb shoes were in the closet, one shoe had just fallen behind something. We have a 18 mo yr old son, and I hate when he shouts in front of him. Our couples counselor says that sometimes people curse out of anxiety and frustration, and to not take it too personal- like its my fault.
However, this morning he was starting to say it was my fault. He was approaching that precipice when I said " I dont know where your shoes are. Why are you yelling at me" and he says "because everything always seems to be moved". So I do take it personally.

I am so exhausted from life, work, and other stresses that I do not look forward to confronting him tonight. I want to say he you were really rude to me this morning. But he is going to be defensive and blame me, and get angry. I am trying to think of the best way to approach him. I know that I could ask him "hey what happened this morning" hear him out and then tell him i felt like he was rude to me. But sometimes I just don't want to deal, and I just want to move on and avoid these negative emotions, and this not so pleasant interaction.

He was so rude and disruptive to our family's peaceful morning, that honestly, if that was me i would have sent an apology text by now. I hate the cycle we get into. He thinks that anything I say that is remotely negative is the end of the world. (trauma stuff i think), and I hate confronting his crappy behavior. I would let it go if he was cursing an something that didnt have anything to do with me (our therapist suggested that I don't take THAT stuff personally), but when the beam of anger was directed towards me, I start to get angry. It kills the attraction in our marriage, and it make me want to stay away from him. I loathe the way he reacts when he is anxious and frustrated, and I hate that I have to reinvent myself every time I talk to him about this stuff.

Side note- he found his shoes rather quickly after the violent searching and frustration outburst. He then kissed us on the head and went to work. What do I do? What would you do?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Personally, I walk out of the room when mine is being an asshat like that. He knows that I’m not going to stand there and be a target for his lashing out just because he is frustrated and stressed.

That’s an established boundary. “I love you baby, but it upsets and scares me when you get loud/aggressive/mean because you’re stressed. I have to walk away. I’ll talk to you when you can speak to me civilly.”

I don’t give him a choice. He gets no say. I’m not asking him to adjust his behavior or reactions... I know it’s a stress reaction. However I’m not standing there and listening to it. That’s MY prerogative... And for sure my kids aren’t going to be exposed to it either. He realizes when he calms down that he was being ridiculous. I think he is glad that I walk away before he makes a bigger ass out of himself then he already has too.

Over the years he has settled down a lot, but it still happens. If he wants to yell and cuss, he can cuss at the wall though, because I’m not there.

 

[astridluna28]

I really like this. I am going to think about it some more. I think that this is a really good strategy, and there is no way that I am going to one day convince him out of a stress induced rage fit. I can speak up though if it comes up and tell him how it made me feel. Scared and annoyed.
YES - boundaries. Need to establish and remember that.

 

[grit]

First I applaud you being in therapy. Second, I hope you also have your own individual therapy because this is not a good situation day and day out and perhaps there are things in your past that also got triggered and attracted to you this kind of relationships so you probably need a supportive therapeutic relations so you are not always on survival mode or defense mode.

Third the practical aspect of your relationship is more problem.

There are two areas that you can improve right away (parallel) to having therapies and aiming for self-growth and healthy life.

I will focus on you because it is hard to know what his take is from your description. I can only imagine but I rather not muddle the water too much here. So I will stick to you first.

You need to become a bit more aware of your own anger, resentment and otherwise, behavior. The language you are using is too much of “projection” he did this or that. Not much reflection on your part at all. Admitting this is more than just confrontation but anger and aggression may actually start to soften the weaponized mind and thoughts. Then you may have a way to move out of the stuckness. To me it sounded you were holding back so long and ready to explode and regardless of confrontation or not, you are ready to explode…so be more conscious of that. This hiding anger is no longer serving you or your family or anyone around you.

You need to learn when he is like this and find a way to acknowledge that and get out of his way. Let him find his socks and stay out of his way. This may be a logistical issue but it may help.

Find a time when you are both light or happy to share information about how to resolve issues (not a particular issue but issues in general – learning and connecting). War war and no connection sucks and no way anyone can stay in that for a long time without getting ulcer. If he is not interested, share what you are learning about yourself, self-growth and such. Be the person you want him to become.

The biggest wow I see in your post is this: you are nobody but a reaction to him which honestly tells me to my untrained eye, that you have your own trauma that is triggered daily and even that you rather project to him as his issues than owning it. You are not here but as a mirror. So the question is who are you without him?

if that is hard to answer, then ignore everything I said here and get an intense therapy to save yourself first. It is like airplane mask. Find you first and then worry about others. When you find you first, it is easy to try to save others. But now you are drowning and you are taking him down with you and yet you are both resisting to drown.

 

[astridluna28]

I have been in therapy for a number of year. Yes, you caught on to many of my key issues. I have my own trauma, for sure. It's stuff that is deeply embedded in my psychology. I suppose I should also be here as a sufferer, and a supporter as well.
You're right the cycle is bad. War on war. We started couples therapy for this reason.
I do feel like I want to explode many days, but not as much in the past year.We started therapy about 10 months ago, and it has helped me explode less. Communicate more. I am still actively seeing both therapists (couples and personal). I know that it will be ongoing for the forseeable future.
We aren't so much in a crisis moment any more. However, I had feelings today, and I want to say these things to him. However, I appreciate your post snapping me out of projecting mode, and helping me focus back on myself. This is the crux of my very own being. I need to learn when to acknowledge my feelings and express them. I need to know when to separate myself from him, and create a boundary that lets go of becoming invested in his stuff.
You have to understand, I grew up in a family where my mother and sister (especially) were two narcissists (my mom more histrionic, my sister NPD with bipolar) that demanded attention, and insisted that I don't have feelings. I understand that I focus on others more than myself. This bites me in the ass because I can't get a grip on my own anger, rage, and resentment.
I am so grateful for your post, and the poster above for making two very good points. On days like today where I don't have therapy its great for me to flush out some feelings, and have good reminders thrown at me. A part of my struggle is coming to these conclusions on my own. Some days, I am better at getting in touch with myself than others. Today was not the day I was very good at it.
I believe its because I have some really hard stress going on. My job is really really intense right now. I have to close thousands in sales, gain commitments from decision makers for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and plan a trip in a few weeks that I do NOT want to make. I am feeling really stressed, and resentful of that (partly because my job started to make me travel when I don't want to.)
I am doing mu best to be my aware of myself. Which is I guess why I posted before i acted. I suppose this is a part of my journey too. It's not all easy, and quick. I don't have all the solutions, and I won't all the time. I feel like I am not making any sense bc I am so emotionally flooded right now. But again, thank you for your insight. Something to think about.
We have couples therapy this weekend, and it's good timing. I have personal counselor next week. I scheduled some stuff because I feel myself being dragged down, and my first sign is feeling explosive internally.

 

[Friday]

However, this morning he was starting to say it was my fault.

when he takes his boots off at night I always put them back in the closet where all the shoes live. His dumb shoes were in the closet,

That he couldn’t find his shoes was your fault... because you moved them. Sounds like he’s asked and told you to stop doing that countless times, and yet you ignore him and move his stuff around, anyway. And then you straight up lie to him and tell him you don’t know where his shoes are. That’s cold.

He threw things around violently in closet, cursed, and then yelled at me

This right here, is not your fault. How he chooses to react to you f*cking with him is on him.

***
This is one of those things where couples counseling is reeeeeeally useful. Because you’re attempting to manipulate him (into doing things the way you do them; laying out clothes the night before, putting things where you want them) and he’s going off like a frog in a sock when you do. Rinse lather repeat.

I don’t know why the two of you have fallen into this pattern, or what either of you get out of it (one of the most common motivations is Attention & Being Needed from the manipulator, & Blowing Off Steam from the pissed off person lashing out; but that’s only a common thing, not necessarily your guys’ thing)... but couples counseling can not only help you guys stop re-enacting this specific event, but all other events that fit the same pattern.

 

[astridluna28]

I don’t know why the two of you have fallen into this pattern, or what either of you get out of it (one of the most common motivations is Attention & Being Needed from the manipulator, & Blowing Off Steam from the pissed off person lashing out; but that’s only a common thing, not necessarily your guys’ thing)... but couples counseling can not only help you guys stop re-enacting this specific event, but all other events that fit the same pattern.

Yup... this is .... largely what couples therapy is about. There's all of our personal life experiences and nuances thrown in that create this dynamic. My personal therapist calls its it the dynamic of the Pursuant and the Avoidant when it comes to us. I pursue, he avoids. I want things to be a certain way, he wants to be left to do it his way. Even if his way creates more chaos, I do need to step out of the way. It goes from wanting to help (for motivation of being needed), to becoming motherly and I suppose manipulative. I don't mean to hurt him, but I guess I am caught up in my own BS to realize that helping is hurting.

We have come a really long way though. It's definitely been much better. Today like I said, was not a good day for me internally. For him too. We are BOTH dealing with massive work stress. We haven't argued about things today, there was just that interaction in the morning where he flipped, I remained silent and was purposely not helpful because I was trying to create a boundary. I am not trying to be cold but i guess that wasn't right. I see that now. I am still navigating how to deal with something like that. I really do freeze a lot when he gets angry. I got flooded with heat, and fear, and my mouth feels paralyzed. Something to mention in counseling. You're right... yes, i could have said sorry its in the closet and backed away. I am realizing that I should just let his shoes be in the hallway where he left them. (Ugh.. that was a controlling move I guess.. I feel bad that my cleaning, and need to control causes him to crawl out of his skin. But.. he doesn't have to throw shit around and act the way he did. This is a good example for us to explore more in therapy I think.....couples counseling helps with this. I am thinking about my part here. As you have all pointed out. I am not blameless, and my feelings about how he reacted keeps pointing to my hang ups.

 

[grit]

astridluna28

It takes two to make a relationship and I am truly glad you have therapy support and you are aware of your side of the story (that you have control over it).
We can never change others but we can change or adapt ourselves to situations. I feel you have some ideas about your own path to safety and health and I wish you the best.

 

[astridluna28]

Thank you @grit. I appreciate that.

 

[PreciousChild]

Hey @astridluna28 , I personally think he has no right to blow off steam at you. I was around that with my ex husband, and it is very stressful and I think physiologically harmful to be exposed frequently to aggressive and angry outbursts. I'm a single parent, and though I miss having a partner, one thing I can say is that it IS possible to go decades living in a household without anyone having angry outbursts, blaming fits, and other ways of stoking emotional distress out of nothing. Rather than you sucking it up, I think it's up to him to control his anger.

I forget the exact scientific article, but I read that "letting off steam" is a misnomer. Getting angry isn't "cathartic" and does not deplete tension. Getting angry creates more anger. I'll look for the study and post it when I can find it.

Edited to add that when you have ptsd, I realize it's not so simple as "controlling your anger". And I think we can overcome chronic rage by healthy expressions of anger that help us to heal. But I know that there's an aspect of control there because I used to get "road rage" when my son was really, really small. I kind of chalked it up to "I'm only human." But one day, I put myself in his shoes, and I realized how scary it must be to be around a mom who had sudden angry outbursts even when episodic. I began to meditate in the car and I realized that if I focused on appreciating the moment, appreciated being with my son, and just realizing that there are an infinite number of thoughts I could be having besides angry ones about the driver in front of me, I was able to control my "road rage" and further healing helped me to be less full of rage in general.

 

[LuckiLee]

Everything @Sweetpea76 said and @Friday hit the nail on the head. I don't move my guy's stuff. Anymore. :D We used to have the same arguments. He's military so I'm not sure if it's a PTSD thing or his training but everything has to be in its place or people could die. Not moving his crap has made my life so much more peaceful. Whodathunk? LOL. When he's symptomatic? I don't "confront". That's adding fuel to the fire. I wait until he's calm and go from there. If he's just letting off steam I leave the room, house, restaurant... Welcome to the forums @astridluna28! :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I have to agree with @Friday .

We are BOTH dealing with massive work stress. We haven't argued about things today, there was just that interaction in the morning where he flipped, I remained silent and was purposely not helpful because I was trying to create a boundary. I am not trying to be cold but i guess that wasn't right. I see that now. I am still navigating how to deal with something like that. I really do freeze a lot when he gets angry. I got flooded with heat, and fear, and my mouth feels paralyzed. Something to mention in counseling. You're right... yes, i could have said sorry its in the closet and backed away. I am realizing that I should just let his shoes be in the hallway where he left them. (Ugh.. that was a controlling move I guess.. I feel bad that my cleaning, and need to control causes him to crawl out of his skin

I think control and not letting people be themself makes nearly everyone's skin crawl. After all, this is the partner you want (perhaps too the baby's father?), and therefore you don't want someone they "aren't", nor a copy of yourself, especially one not true to them.

I'm sure the stress comes in to play a lot. But putting out of sight something that is not yours and needed (in a time-dependent way as well) isn't a boundary, unless he knew where, when and why you would put the boots away.

s. I want things to be a certain way, he wants to be left to do it his way

Aw, but with counseling (and forgiveness) you'll come to want to meet each other's needs more fully, give each other the respect to have your own choices, and not first and foremost focus on your own wants first. (Which doesn't mean being present for rages- that's on him. The only thing on you is your own reaction, and not consciously or unconsciously contributing to or creating a situation not reasonable to bear.) When 2 people can and want to do that, they can help each other bear whatever stress, and love each other in the process. This is the person you love, so if nothing else, even when triggered or in fear, you can ask yourself, 'Is my action loving?' (Because you can't control his). I think (speaking for myself anyway), it's easy to get lost in who's right or wrong or it's too emotional for thought, but (I) can still tell if my thoughts and actions or words are loving or not, as a sufferer or supporter..

Best wishes. Welcome to you!

PS, The Stress Cup Explanation is really good.