Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I'm really, really annoyed about something that happened yesterday. Livid, even. Hear me out, because it makes NO f*cking sense.

My mom keeps wanting to eat out. (Despite saying repeatedly that she will run out of money if she keeps doing so.) I'm fine with that because it's her money and it's not my business what she does. I've applied for food stamps so if I get approved I'll start cooking more often (and aggressively throwing shit out of the kitchen because now she's using the dishwasher to STORE MAIL that she is never going to go through and I can't f*cking take it). The only problem is that last month I was 100% positive that she shit in my car.

I was very triggered and very angry. I sped all the way home and she was sitting there shoving napkins down her pants because apparently she couldn't be bothered with wearing anything else.

It's fine. I was very angry, but it's fine. I understand that she can't help it. I was talking to a professional about the issue and she told me that 17 million women have this problem eventually, and it's humiliating and so it's best of me to be gentle about it. I tried to think of how I would want to be treated in this situation.

So I am doing my best. I am trying not to let PTSD get in the way.

So at first I found every possible way to avoid allowing my mom in my car. But, eventually, my mom wanted to eat out. It would be stupid and mean to say "let's go in two different cars." But I don't want to take my mom's car because it's full of stuff and may not be safe in an accident as a result. And Nestle has more room in my car than my mom's.

So I told her, "You can go in my car, if you're all good. No upset stomach?"

She gave me a really rude, "Are you all good?"

Okay then. Not my problem. I breathe off the annoyance. Not something for me to make an issue of. It's not my problem. I asked a question. As nicely as I could think of.

We get to the restaurant. She starts suggesting that afterward we go to two other stores.

She had also mentioned having sweets and a lot of carbs, and we were about to have more sweets and carbs, and we're talking about a diabetic with IBS. So I said, "Only if you're good. But probably I won't want to."

My mom got pissed off suddenly. She started her regular passive aggressive "Okay" and I just let her because my therapist taught me that all my mom knows is how to be a victim and I need to let her because I can't help her. So I sat there and let her. Prepared to sit a moment and cool off. She takes a long time to walk to the doors from the handicap stop anyway so I'd have a full minute at least to chill out.

But then she suddenly snapped at me, "You know, it only happened one time."

ARE YOU F*UCKING SERIOUS. ONE TIME. ONE TIME SEEMS LIKE A f*ckTON TOO MANY TO ME, AM I WRONG? Like, are you seriously being angry AT ME for something YOU DID because YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WEAR A DIAPER OR ANYTHING AT ALL? Like, for real? You can't be F*CKING SERIOUS.

I got angry as f*cking shit and told her "Well I had to clean up after you last time" and then before I could even explain she interrupted me and claimed that nothing had been in her pants when she went later.

Yeah. Sure. The entire house smelled like shit. But that's not the part I'm angry about. I'm angry now because she apparently thinks I reacted unreasonably.

And it's been a full 24 hours and I'm still so livid that it's affecting my studies. I just turned in an assignment with a lazy ass ending because I couldn't focus.

You know what my mom did when I answered that stupid likely-a-lie? I said, "Well, I had to clean up after you, and it smelled bad." Before I could say, "Yeah, sure, I didn't really see anything but it was nighttime, and I'm not mad that you had an accident but more I'm upset that you weren't wearing anything and went in the house without telling me that you did," she just -- got up out of the car and walked to the restaurant.

Okay.

And then acted like we never had that conversation. Played dumb.

I'm so f*cking livid. How stupid is this? This is just drama. Useless drama that I DON'T WANT IN MY HOUSEHOLD. Like, does she seriously think that I'm still the one ungrateful child? First of all, I've made it really f*cking clear that I'm grateful and that I love my mom way more than my dad. But lately? I don't want to talk to her. Like at all. I'm so angry. I was disrespected and she's going to just act like it didn't f*cking happen?

Bitch, if you shit in my car or just might -- THE POINT IS NOT WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHIT IN MY CAR. DON'T YOU F*CKING DARE TRY TO TELL ME I'M OVERREACTING TO A PERSON POTENTIALLY SHITTING IN MY CAR.

Yeah, I know it happens to people. Poor Uber drivers. It's fine. Things happen. But this has been a REGULAR thing. She shit on a driving shopping cart, she shit in a dressing room and then tried to take me out to eat without even a hint of wanting to go immediately home and shower. It's like she was more concerned with not ruining the day with me. Like, f*ck. This is a nightmare.

Shit is my biggest trigger and I should NOT HAVE TO BE HANDLING IT THIS WAY.

 

[littleoc]

Contained animals like birds, reptiles and fish and much easier for a landlord to accept than something like a mammal that has the potential to shit everywhere and eat everything.

Oh, great point! Especially if I put Dove's cage somewhere where she can't poop on the walls, lol. She doesn't usually. But the few times she did she lived with my mom, and my mom apparently didn't see a reason to clean it? But I'd just tell the landlord that all birds do is throw seeds, which is accurate. Dove only gets the gross poops when she's laying eggs. lol

And I would think SDs may have exceptions where normal dogs would not be allowed, just like SDs are allowed in many places regular dogs are not :)

Oh! Right, totally forgot this for some reason. I don't even have to mention her, legally! She's allowed wherever. So, the only pets I'd need to declare are the cats, really, if I can.

I did see a place in a neighboring city had a "pets allowed except monkeys" sign, I wonder what happened there!

because it's possible they're just not wanting a herd of alpacas in the backyard

There go my plans D:

But if a place comes up that will take littleoc+her 'minimum' pet brigade, then please please go with it.

That's probably for the best. And then I could work the cats in later. Or get a friend to help me get them adopted if needed, but Taz the PTSD cat would stay with me anyway :P though there probably are wealthier people I know who may be able to get him the behaviorist appointments he deserves... hm

Your health is the most important, and I really can't bear the thought of you being in that house any longer than you absolutely must be.

Me, neither, it's definitely messing with me more than I thought it was.

And my mom acting like my twin brother is "abandoning" her is driving me crazy. Maybe don't tell him all men suck and Christianity is stupid, hm? Not exactly a good way to win over a son. But it's not like he's planning on staying away forever. Jeez.

Sorry, I'm still bitter. Not at you though. There's a lot going on.

 

[littleoc]

Ooooh!!! Page 323!!!

My birthday is on March 23! So if you do dates like 3/23/19-- then there you go!! lol

 

[littleoc]

Sorry, I really needed to make that shit-in-car post. My mom is interacting with me a lot today and I've been trying really hard not to be angry at her.

I'm just really sad at this point because as a teenager I was so in love with my mom and had no idea that she was hurting my siblings. I had an idea but as a teenager I was more easily able to forgive it. Not because I was unwise, but because I was a teenager. Teenagers are instinctually very forgiving, like all kids.

My little brother almost died because of her neglect though. So did I. As an adult I'm very angry about this. I want to just love my mom and be one of those people who lets her repeat the same stories over and over and over again and act like I'm hearing it for the first time just because I want to show her all the respect in the world, but she apparently thinks I have no right to be protective of my own stuff. She thinks she can trash my room whether I'm home or not, because she doesn't want to get rid of anything.

Why would she have teenagers live in a house like this? My poor twin brother. I remember feels bad for him for having to spend his depressive episode in this house. He had to drop out of college because his depression wouldn't quit. My mom had never offered him therapy as a teenager because "he's an autistic man" so "emotions slide right off him" so he ended up having to drop out of college and change his entire life because of the depression he got because he was hiding it. And had to live in this house.

I assumed at the time that my mom felt just as bad as I did. Now I think she didn't even realize.

 

[littleoc]

You know what I feel like?

When I was 11 years old my dad attacked my brother right in front of me and I knew that I had to step up and protect him because he was too afraid. So I did. I stood up to a psychopath and it was scary and my voice shook and my dad made fun of how my voice shook for months. It was the first time I truly lost my voice, because the choking hurt too bad. I wrote a Grumper post about it, back when Grumper existed. Adults on the site asked me to report it to the police. I wish I would have.

I feel like that when I have to confront my mom. Any time anyone raises their voice or looks like they're standing their ground when it's unfair, I feel like I'm a young kid trying to protect my brother from having more rocks thrown at his head.

 

[bellbird]

Ohhhhh gosh littleoc.
I am absolutely validating and echoing your anger.

I was talking to a professional about the issue and she told me that 17 million women have this problem eventually, and it's humiliating and so it's best of me to be gentle about it.

Yes, but those women (as your mother) have options that can help. i.e. diapers.
If they chose to not use those options even when they are accessible to them then they cannot expect others to just "accept" it.

Bitch, if you shit in my car or just might -- THE POINT IS NOT WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHIT IN MY CAR. DON'T YOU F*CKING DARE TRY TO TELL ME I'M OVERREACTING TO A PERSON POTENTIALLY SHITTING IN MY CAR.

Yes yes yes yes!!!!
I wish there was some other way I could help, but just know that you are SO right and justified in having these feelings.

Shit is my biggest trigger and I should NOT HAVE TO BE HANDLING IT THIS WAY.

Yep!!
You absolutely should not.
Even if it was not a trigger, you shouldn't have to be handling it this way. No one should.
But add PTSD on top of that and it is just, yeah, I have no words that don't sound like a total understatement.

Sorry, I'm still bitter. Not at you though. There's a lot going on.

No, I know :hug:
I wasn't thinking you were bitter at me at all.

She thinks she can trash my room whether I'm home or not, because she doesn't want to get rid of anything.

Yeah, this is completely unacceptable.
Healthy relationships are a two-way street.

Sorry, I really needed to make that shit-in-car post.

You have every right to have done so.
And I am super proud of you for using your diary to benefit YOU, in whatever that might look like in a given moment.

You know what I feel like?

When I was 11 years old my dad attacked my brother right in front of me and I knew that I had to step up and protect him because he was too afraid. So I did. I stood up to a psychopath and it was scary and my voice shook and my dad made fun of how my voice shook for months. It was the first time I truly lost my voice, because the choking hurt too bad. I wrote a Grumper post about it, back when Grumper existed. Adults on the site asked me to report it to the police. I wish I would have.

I feel like that when I have to confront my mom. Any time anyone raises their voice or looks like they're standing their ground when it's unfair, I feel like I'm a young kid trying to protect my brother from having more rocks thrown at his head

Ohhhh, littleoc. No words, just lots and lots and lots of hugs.


I need to go do some yoga now, I'm just letting you know that so it doesn't seem like I've abandoned you or got "grossed out" or anything, because truthfully I'm 100% not grossed out, and even if I was that would be my problem and not yours.
I'll check back in later tonight if I have time, but until then:

I love you
I am so very proud of you
And you are resilient beyond words, and one of the bravest and strongest people I have ever known in my life (right up there with my beloved grandmother who survived through so much, just like you :hug: )

 

[littleoc]

Happy f*cking Sunday, by the way. lol

I moved Shabbat back to Saturday. Feel free to join me. It's a perfect chill day to enjoy the Earth and universe. It really doesn't matter what day you do it. The universe is 14 billion years old, it's really hard to know when the seventh day is. The commandment is to remember it and hold it sacred, not to make sure it's Wednesday. At least, that's what my dad used to say before he suddenly said we weren't allowed to believe in anything.

I hate that man so much. Why do I feel so bad for him? Because he's pathetic? Sometimes people are pathetic. Like Brandi. Brandi treated me like shit, why do I worry about whether or not she's alive?

I guess because our relationship was built entirely upon who was alive for how long. I don't want to talk about it right now.

I hate how one trigger always leads to ten others. My therapist doesn't want me to allow myself to dissociate any time I have to be in this house, but I'm not sure if it's more dangerous to dissociate or if it's better to allow myself to dissociate so I can stop having these stupid flashbacks,

At least my mom's hoard is covering where the cages used to be. And the chair where my dad fed us treats is gone. Or, at least, covered up. But the fishtank is still there.

 

[littleoc]

I wish there was some other way I could help, but just know that you are SO right and justified in having these feelings.

Even if it was not a trigger, you shouldn't have to be handling it this way. No one should.

Thanks, @bellbird. The validation helps a lot, actually. I feel really alone in these issues. I should probably make a new forum post to get advice on how to life through this insanity. I've tried Googling it but find very little. Did find the professional. She works for "A Place for Mom" which is a nursing home. I don't want to do that to my mom yet though, but at least she (the professional) listened to me with understanding.

I love you
I am so very proud of you

Love you and I'm proud of you, too!!! I'm constantly impressed by everyone on these forums honestly

beloved grandmother

Hello, beloved grandmother :)


And don't worry, if I expected quick replies I could call the depression hotline of Nashville! No worries! Forums are made for slower responses :P Or no responses, but sometimes that's the best answer.

 

[littleoc]

I'm being cheery now. I needed to vent though.

Fun fact about pet scorpions: When you add decorations to their enclosures, they will rearrange them. If you try to put them back to what you like, the scorpion will literally get upset and his stress hormones will get high!

I'm not sure if anyone has studied why, but I would make the educated guess that they do it to help memorize territory and see if a predator is potentially walking through. (Some scorpions can live in colony-like communities ("colony" used very loosely) so territory of other scorpions probably isn't the issue for many pet species.)

Scorpions are back at the pet store, by the way! But I decided I should wait, because I have the lizard now and landlord are more likely to be unsure about scorpions anyway. (And spiders, but if I catch a brown recluse I can at least let those go in the wild since they're obviously native here.) (Brown recluses are AMAZING pets, trust me! They're so skittish and beautiful, but people will freak out and assume you're badass for having a dangerous spider :laugh: )

 

[littleoc]

Sorry I'm not in y'all's diaries again. I'm doing my best, I swear. I'll get back to those as soon as I can, but do know that I'm wishing all of you well and hoping you're okay.

Not that I'm so self centered that I think you need me!

Fun fact: The amount of young people drinking often has gone down 20% or so :D I won't say why though, maybe later. I'm too tired. Best quote from the study, though is, "Drinking to meet people is what old people do," from a millennial. (People aged 23 to 38.)

 

[littleoc]

I swear the only reason people use terms like "millennial" and "baby boomer" is to discriminate, though.

Gen Z is safe so far, lol. They're yeeting into the meaningless world with a lot of enthusiasm and memes

 

[littleoc]

That's a mood

(yay, I can use young people lingo! Thanks, young people I hang out with!)