Confused about boyfriend???

[Jay02]

Hello everyone. Just a little background. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and we've had a few ups and downs since getting together. He was in the Marines for about five years and had gone overseas twice. He's gotten better at accepting that he's got PTSD, but I still get so confused by his actions that it throws me for a loop.

I was getting an inkling that he may be slipping into an episode soon. On Sunday, he told me that he had an appointment with the VA for an evaluation. In the month of December, we didn't talk much. His PTSD was really bad then with really bad nightmares and he said the appointment was mainly an evaluation because of it. He didn't go into much detail.

Then yesterday, everything was normal. We were texting. He was replying. But when I said I was coming over with hot chocolate (I'm learning to be assertive instead of asking for his permission to go to his apartment), he said "No. It's okay" and that's where the isolation slowly began. He wasn't replying. He was just reading my messages. But then he would send me a random text that had nothing to do with our previous conversation and when I would continue it, he wouldn't respond.

I was having a really bad breakdown yesterday because I immediately went to a dark place and was assuming he was cheating on me. It sounds even ridiculous when I say it aloud, but I have really bad anxiety issues and my previous relationships didn't do anything to help that. I know my boyfriend would never do that to me, especially since he absolutely despises people who do commit infidelity.

I guess I just needed to vent and have a listening ear or even some advice. I've grown since the last time this happened. Him reading my messages serve more of a reassurance for me now, so when he didn't read my message at all last night, I couldn't sleep. I was so worried. We had come to an agreement that if he was having a bad day or if he needed his space, he would tell me, but that has yet to happen.

As a girlfriend and supporter, how do I learn and ingrain in my mind that it's NOT personal? I keep teetering back and forth. One minute I know it's something he deals with alone and I can't even fathom what he's going through, but the next, I get so sad.

And as a sufferer, am I doing something wrong? I have set boundaries for the both of us since the last time.

 

[Lucycat]

And as a sufferer, am I doing something wrong?

I am a sufferer and I would suggest you are doing nothing wrong. However the hardest thing in the world is to tell my husband that I am feeling bad and am isolating. Because we are living together, for me, isolating means turning inside myself rather than physically going away. But I don't start a conversation, I might sit and watch TV without a clue what is on the screen. Or I might engross myself on the computer. But it is unlikely that I will say anything.

I do wonder if I am denying to myself that there is a problem sometimes. At other times I expect my husband to be a psychic or a mind reader - I can angrily feel that I expect him to just know how I feel. Quite unrealistic in the rational cold light of day.

It sounds as if you are being as supportive as you can. Thank you for being there for him. I hope other supporters can give you the support you deserve as I know this is a bumpy journey we are all on.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm learning to be assertive instead of asking for his permission to go to his apartment

Wait.

What?

No.

This is NOT the area in which to be assertive.

(I’d even argue that this isn’t being assertive, but actually aggressive since you didn’t ask, just announced your intentions without regard or respect for his personal space and time.)

This is violating personal boundaries.

This is violating safe space.

A lot of people without ptsd hate uninvited guests, even a SO.

I’m not surprised he’s being cold now.

 

[Jay02]

Wait.

What?

No.

This is NOT the area in which to be assertive.

(I’d even argue that this isn’t being assertive, but actually aggressive.)

This is violating personal boundaries.

This is violating safe space.

A lot of people without ptsd hate uninvited guests, even a SO.

I’m not surprised he’s being cold now.

Well, he’s actually the one who told me to be more assertive in that sense... He says, “TELL me you’re coming over and I’ll be like okay. When you ask, it seems like you’re a kid asking for permission.”

 

[Jay02]

I am a sufferer and I would suggest you are doing nothing wrong. However the hardest thing in the world is to tell my husband that I am feeling bad and am isolating. Because we are living together, for me, isolating means turning inside myself rather than physically going away. But I don't start a conversation, I might sit and watch TV without a clue what is on the screen. Or I might engross myself on the computer. But it is unlikely that I will say anything.

I do wonder if I am denying to myself that there is a problem sometimes. At other times I expect my husband to be a psychic or a mind reader - I can angrily feel that I expect him to just know how I feel. Quite unrealistic in the rational cold light of day.

It sounds as if you are being as supportive as you can. Thank you for being there for him. I hope other supporters can give you the support you deserve as I know this is a bumpy journey we are all on.

Thank you for that. Sometimes when he doesn’t tell me something is going on, I feel like he knows I should assume something is wrong.

 

[EveHarrington]

Well, he’s actually the one who told me to be more assertive in that sense... He says, “TELL me you’re coming over and I’ll be like okay. When you ask, it seems like you’re a kid asking for permission.”

See, that’s the thing.

It’s ok to just drop by.

Until it’s not.

I’d stick with asking from now on.

I speak from experience.

(If your mind spirals so fast, are you sure a PTSD relationship is for you?)

 

[Jay02]

See, that’s the thing.

It’s ok to just drop by.

Until it’s not.

I’d stick with asking from now on.

I speak from experience.

(If your mind spirals so fast, are you sure a PTSD relationship is for you?)

I’ll just continue asking until he says otherwise. My mind spirals regardless... But he’s worth it. I’m just trying to find ways to help me and also better understand his situation to the best of my ability.

 

[LuckiLee]

Giving space is a loving act. If he's in isolation mode why are you pushing yourself on him? A text saying hi ONCE a day is enough. Unless he continues the communication I'd leave him be after that. It sucks, I know. Read the stress cup analogy again!!!! It sounds like he's still in an anniversary cycle. And that is its own level of f*cked up. Keep communication light and minimal. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Good luck!

 

[Jay02]

Giving space is a loving act. If he's in isolation mode why are you pushing yourself on him? A text saying hi ONCE a day is enough. Unless he continues the communication I'd leave him be after that. It sucks, I know. Read the stress cup analogy again!!!! It sounds like he's still in an anniversary cycle. And that is its own level of f*cked up. Keep communication light and minimal. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Good luck!

Thank you so much! I have learned not to mass text him anymore and I’m way better than when we first got together. As for the anniversary cycle? I think he’s still in that sense too especially since an anniversary is coming up.

I’m doing my best to give him his space because I know he always comes back to me. He says that I’m so understanding and so supportive, so I just have to remember all the good, positive things about us.

I just can’t help that my anxiety and my mind goes to a dark place and it definitely isn’t fair if I always assume he’s cheating on me when he’s never given me a reason to. It’s past experiences, and ugh. You’re right. I just needed to vent and I appreciate all that you’ve said.

 

[LuckiLee]

I don't take it personally because it isn't. It's HIS PTSD and trauma. He has to deal with it the way he knows how. And if that's some quiet down time that's what I'll give him. He reaches out when he can.

 

[LuckiLee]

I also think it's his way of protecting you from the ugly that is PTSD. It ain't pretty. My guy was puking for 24 hours because he met his daughter (1st time in ten years) and his uncle passed away. He had to watch his family members grieve and couldn't help. Stress overload!!!!

 

[Jay02]

I also think it's his way of protecting you from the ugly that is PTSD. It ain't pretty. My guy was puking for 24 hours because he met his daughter (1st time in ten years) and his uncle passed away. He had to watch his family members grieve and couldn't help. Stress overload!!!!

Oh no. I hope your guy is okay!

He has told me that things he doesn’t tell me about the military is because he’s protecting me. I never pry, and I allow him to talk to me if it ever comes up.

My question is... Does it get any easier? He’s worth it, and I will fight for our relationship and he knows that.