Confused about boyfriend???

[LuckiLee]

It does get easier. If it's something you can deal with. If I had anxiety and trust issues?? A PTSD relationship probably wouldn't be the best thing for me. My guy is six years into therapy and we're starting from scratch again. New doctors, meds and group.... It's a lifelong disorder.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’ll just continue asking until he says otherwise. My mind spirals regardless... But he’s worth it. I’m just trying to find ways to help me and also better understand his situation to the best of my ability.

Yes, it IS confusing!

My guy says I’m confusing and it really frustrates him. (I have PTSD.)

And yes, this “drop by anytime” is one of the issues that fvruatrates him. A very similar scenario happened with us last week.

Given that he told you to just drop by, you didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing whatsoever. You just got caught up in the “what is ok one minute may not be ok later” kind of thing. The thing is that in our good moments, yeah, it’s perfectly ok to just stop by......but if we are having a ptsd moment/episode, then it just hits us the wrong way because we need space. And then the distance happens and the pushing/disappearing.

But again you didn’t do anything wrong.

 

[Jay02]

It does get easier. If it's something you can deal with. If I had anxiety and trust issues?? A PTSD relationship probably wouldn't be the best thing for me. My guy is six years into therapy and we're starting from scratch again. New doctors, meds and group.... It's a lifelong disorder.

I have both. I have anxiety and trust issues, but I know that with him, it’s worth it. The only difficult thing is he doesn’t really get help with his PTSD. It was just recently that he has finally come to terms that he actually has it. He couldn’t even say the words before. Little progress is still progress, I think.

 

[Jay02]

Yes, it IS confusing!

My guy says I’m confusing and it really frustrates him. (I have PTSD.)

And yes, this “drop by anytime” is one of the issues that fvruatrates him. A very similar scenario happened with us last week.

Given that he told you to just drop by, you didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing whatsoever. You just got caught up in the “what is ok one minute may not be ok later” kind of thing. The thing is that in our good moments, yeah, it’s perfectly ok to just stop by......but if we are having a ptsd moment/episode, then it just hits us the wrong way because we need space. And then the distance happens and the pushing/disappearing.

But again you didn’t do anything wrong.

Thank you. I know he has no control over what happens to him and what goes on in his mind. I’ve got to hand it to you and those who struggle with this... I wish I could just take it away. I always tell him that he’s so strong and he’s so brave. He doesn’t believe it.

I just need to constantly remind myself that it isn’t me and it isn’t our relationship.

 

[bellbird]

Just here to send some virtual hugs to you @Jay02 , for all you are doing as a supporter.
:hug: :hug:

I'm a sufferer myself, and by the time I realise that I am isolating I'm already so deep in that territory that I don't think I ever have a shot at letting my supporters IRL know.

Maybe that's something I need to work on, but sometimes (a lot of the time) our brains just have a mind of their own ?

I suppose the biggest 'reliable' indicator of isolation for me is when I have an anniversary coming up, so if you do choose to stay in this relationship, the yearly patterns might become a signpost when your guy can't.

I hope you are taking good care of you, though? That's really important too you know :)

 

[Jay02]

Just here to send some virtual hugs to you @Jay02 , for all you are doing as a supporter.
:hug::hug:

I'm a sufferer myself, and by the time I realise that I am isolating I'm already so deep in that territory that I don't think I ever have a shot at letting my supporters IRL know.

Maybe that's something I need to work on, but sometimes (a lot of the time) our brains just have a mind of their own ?

I suppose the biggest 'reliable' indicator of isolation for me is when I have an anniversary coming up, so if you do choose to stay in this relationship, the yearly patterns might become a signpost when your guy can't.

I hope you are taking good care of you, though? That's really important too you know :)

When you say that you're so deep in that territory that you don't think you can let your supporters IRL know, do your supporters just assume that something is wrong? I think my boyfriend is similar in that sense. He puts me on read and usually, that's an indicator for me that he's not doing well and he needs his space.

I'm doing the best I can! I'm more concerned with his wellbeing, but I know that he'll come back to me. I just have to be patient.

 

[bellbird]

When you say that you're so deep in that territory that you don't think you can let your supporters IRL know, do your supporters just assume that something is wrong?

I'm quite new into isolation territory, so it is a lot like a learning as we go experience for both myself and my supporters.

The first time I isolated badly, they were quite concerned.
One of my supporters took it into her own hands to take me out of my house to try to "make me feel better", which was not a fun experience for either of us, but in hindsight I can see that she was just trying to help me in the only way that she had known how up until that point.

Just recently when I had another big isolation period, that friend and another came around to my house. Although, the second friend was a little tipsy and had encouraged it so I'm not sure if the first friend would have on her own.
But they left when they could see that what I really needed was to be on my own.

They do feel concerned about me, I know that. But over time it seems to be that we are heading in a trajectory where they are learning that sometimes all they can do to help is to let me know that they care for me and that they are there if I need them, and beyond that they need to trust that when I am ready to, I will come back to them.

I'm not sure if it's that way for all supporter/sufferer combos, but that has been my experience so far :)

I'm doing the best I can!

I know you are, and I absolutely do see that from your posts :)

 

[Jay02]

I'm quite new into isolation territory, so it is a lot like a learning as we go experience for both myself and my supporters.

The first time I isolated badly, they were quite concerned.
One of my supporters took it into her own hands to take me out of my house to try to "make me feel better", which was not a fun experience for either of us, but in hindsight I can see that she was just trying to help me in the only way that she had known how up until that point.

Just recently when I had another big isolation period, that friend and another came around to my house. Although, the second friend was a little tipsy and had encouraged it so I'm not sure if the first friend would have on her own.
But they left when they could see that what I really needed was to be on my own.

They do feel concerned about me, I know that. But over time it seems to be that we are heading in a trajectory where they are learning that sometimes all they can do to help is to let me know that they care for me and that they are there if I need them, and beyond that they need to trust that when I am ready to, I will come back to them.

I'm not sure if it's that way for all supporter/sufferer combos, but that has been my experience so far :)


I know you are, and I absolutely do see that from your posts :)

Thank you for your input. It's really put many things into perspective. Since getting together with my boyfriend, I have learned so much of myself and so much about him when he gets like this. He is definitely worth the fight and I have learned that by him reading my messages... It's more than enough reassurance for me that he's doing as okay as he can be.

I don't think I can ever understand what you and the sufferers go through, but I do want to say that each and every one of you are so brave for fighting this battle. As a supporter (and someone who naturally wants to help people), it gets tough to realize that sometimes all I can really do is support my boyfriend from afar, and remind him that I'm not going anywhere.

 

[bellbird]

I don't think I can ever understand what you and the sufferers go through, but I do want to say that each and every one of you are so brave for fighting this battle.

Thank you greatly for your kind words.
Our fights are made easier and more bearable by the supporters in our lives.

As a supporter (and someone who naturally wants to help people), it gets tough to realize that sometimes all I can really do is support my boyfriend from afar, and remind him that I'm not going anywhere.

He is definitely worth the fight and I have learned that by him reading my messages... It's more than enough reassurance for me that he's doing as okay as he can be.

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job. And I'm glad there is some clarity in amongst what can be a very confusing journey at times.
It makes it easier to fight, when we know that what we're fighting for is worth it :)

I am glad you've joined this community, too.
I hope it will continue to bring you support and companionship through both the highs and lows of this crazy ride we've all ended up on.

 

[Jay02]

Just a bit of update for anyone that's wondering... My boyfriend texted me back today. Today was also his VA evaluation, and I don't necessarily know or understand what that means or what it entails. Anyway, he told me that he had a "bad meeting. it was bad."

At this point, I just hope he's taking care of himself because I know how he gets when he isolates. Also, I have lessened the amount of times I have texted him too. Though, I did ask if everything was ok or if it was okay to ask what happened... He didn't respond.

I just sent him an audio message saying that I'm still here for him and that whenever he's ready, that I would still be here. I keep thinking to what many of you have said, that is this something that I want to deal with long-term despite how much I say I love him? And honestly? Yeah, it 100% is. I know I'm sounding redundant with my constant questions, but it brings me back to reality when you all give me some sort of advice, even if it could be harsh.

With that being said, I really do appreciate every single one of you for your input. My boyfriend is a strong dude, and I know he'll get through this. I've never been a patient person until I met him and now, my relationship and him... Is completely worth the wait when I know the good that will come with it.

 

[bellbird]

Thank you for the update @Jay02 :)

I think you are an admirable human being, and that your boyfriend is fortunate to have you as a supporter.

Keep asking questions whenever you need to; that's what this place is for.
And keep taking good care of you.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Does it get any easier?

Yes it does. You'll find your groove but you'll also still have rough patches.

Another factor to consider....you said PTSD is new....he is probably still figuring out what's going on. He can't tell you or warn you because he possibly doesnt even know what he's doing....he's just going through motions that make sense to him in his survival state.

Additionally, I have stopped asking questions. I just make statements. Like to his bad really bad meeting text I would reply with something like "Sounds rough. I'm here if you want to talk about it. Ill *something nice* unless you object." My something nice is usually favorite dinner, massage, getting out of the house so he has alone/video game time....but if you don't live together it will probably be something different. You could say Ill come over tonight/this weekend to _____ unless you object. Or I'll say "I'm going to x, y, or z..... say "donut" and I'll abort my mission" to make it more fun.

I found that when I actually started addressing things directly things got a lot easier for me. Instead of guessing I just do things and give him an option to object.

And food is a whole other thing. Sometimes welcome. Sometimes overwhelming. I go with "I'm making ____. It will be ready around ____. There will be enough for you too." Because sometimes "are you hungry?" And "have you eaten today?" And "What do you want to eat?" Are difficult for him to answer.

If he's worth it....hes worth it....and thats great. Just be sure to continuously evaluate that your needs are being met. Even write a list of your needs when things are good to keep yourself accountable. Things will look different in the future than they do now (hopefully better but possibly worse) and you need to ensure you are always getting what you need too (in general, not necessarily on a daily basis). Talking to a third party (therapist) has helped me with this tremendously....especially when things are rough.

Good luck to you.