Childhood How do you get past denial?

[sprout]

It's interesting how everyone reacts to their trauma so differently. I tend to react the opposite when I realize my memories are true. It opens me up to all the feelings I've been pushing away and I get overwhelmed with terror or anger and my flashbacks increase. It's a necessary evil, though. I need to feel these things if I'm ever going to move past them :)

 

[Mach123]

I remember before all this watching like the x-files and thinking "Can that be real? Can you have repressed memories?" You can and I do and I did and I'm not sure how it all works really. I didn't know what happened, I just knew what I liked to do. (Then) I couldn't understand though, how could it be I was so young? If I tried to tell anyone they ignored me. (Therapists) Nobody would say "children don't have a sex life." They said, "oh that happens, or oh, that's normal, especially for boys." That's wrong though. What I was trying to say was something was very very wrong with what I remembered.

One morning I was thinking about it and something said "that means CSA." Right? I walked in the other room and told my wife. I'd never never told anyone. I tried. Then the unbelief (denial) really started because I was like "I have cptsd because of this?" I'm just making excuses again. Because there seemed not to be any trauma in it. But it was all trauma. There was no me just those memories running things and it really really did not want to come out.

 

[sprout]

One morning I was thinking about it and something said "that means CSA." Right? I walked in the other room and told my wife. I'd never never told anyone. I tried. Then the unbelief (denial) really started because I was like "I have cptsd because of this?" I'm just making excuses again. Because there seemed not to be any trauma in it. But it was all trauma. There was no me just those memories running things and it really really did not want to come out.

I think this is the part of healing I'm currently in. I'm in a constant tornado of "this is real. this is fake. am i confused? this isn't that bad even if it is real. maaaaybe it's true...but also it's almost definitely not true."

 

[NightSky]

I just told my T tonight.. 100% of me believes it’s true and 100% of me believes I’m making it up. Each side feels real and true to me. I have no idea who to believe. I wish it would get easier. I keep pushing forward but the denial makes self compassion really hard.

 

[sprout]

I just told my T tonight.. 100% of me believes it’s true and 100% of me believes I’m making it up. Each side feels real and true to me. I have no idea who to believe. I wish it would get easier. I keep pushing forward but the denial makes self compassion really hard.

Me too! I both completely believe myself and completely think I'm mistaken at the same time. It makes 0 sense and I don't know how both sides of me can exist together but they do.
That was so brave of you to tell your T! I believe you by the way. No one would willingly put themselves through this kind of torture. It's hard to accept but you deserve so much kindness especially from yourself.

 

[HealingInProcess]

There are pieces that I intellectually believe to be true but don't have the accompanying emotions to the memory so it's like if this is true why am I not more affected by it?

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

There are pieces that I intellectually believe to be true but don't have the accompanying emotions to the memory so it's like if this is true why am I not more affected by it?

This is what I experience. 100% I logically know it’s true however my emotions are dissociated away so it doesn’t yet ‘feel intrinsically true’. It often leaves me in limbo.. I’ve settled on being patient, self compassionate and having faith in the process.. I might never know, I’d like to know but it’s sort of out of my hands what surfaces.. denial has its reasons, maybe once I’m in a certain place maybe then they will arise or won’t, either way I can still heal.

 

[HealingInProcess]

This is what I experience. 100% I logically know it’s true however my emotions are dissociated away so it doesn’t yet ‘feel intrinsically true’. It often leaves me in limbo.. I’ve settled on being patient, self compassionate and having faith in the process.. I might never know, I’d like to know but it’s sort of out of my hands what surfaces.. denial has its reasons, maybe once I’m in a certain place maybe then they will arise or won’t, either way I can still heal.

In one of the books I have "Treating Trauma in Christian Counseling" they talk about BASK - Behavior, Affect, Sensation and Knowledge. These are all component parts of one memory but they may be separated from each other as a result of trauma. For example for me I often feel emotions and I don't know what they're connected to because they're separate from the trauma or I will feel pain in the body or have a response to something that is unrelated to the thing.