How do you open yourself to the possibility someone you love did something evil to you?

[Charbella]

How would you feel toward mini-me if she had affection for J?

She does and I pretty much loathe it. I reach a point with each memory where I understand it but every time it arises again it makes me angry. Oddly I don’t hate J I don’t even really wish him ill will. I wish he hadn’t done it for sure and I’m not going to sign up to spend time with him.

What makes you curious?

 

[OliveJewel]

I’m wondering if you can allow that it’s logical that she would feel that way, just as she would feel that way to others like the one with the hand.

 

[Charbella]

I’m wondering if you can allow that it’s logical that she would feel that way, just as she would feel that way to others like the one with the hand.

That she would feel what way?

I’m torn. I feel like a terrible person. I haven’t got past my own reaction to see how she might feel other than she has fear which I totally get, I share it.

 

[OliveJewel]

That she might feel affectionate?

 

[Charbella]

That she might feel affectionate?

I don’t question this at all. She loves him, I love him. This is why I am not sure I can accept he’d do anything.

 

[OliveJewel]

Am not communicating very well, Sorry if this is triggering, not trying to push a point, but it seems I wasn’t communicating it very well. (And you are not a terrible person!)

Because you were linking this person with J and thinking you didn’t want to feel toward them like you do toward J, I was wondering if it could be a way for you to see that your mini felt affection toward J, and it would have been understandable in the same way she would have felt affection for this person. You said she does feel affection for J and you loathe it, but I was wondering if you could understand that it would have been logical for her to feel affection toward J. You don’t question that she and you feel affection for this other person. So it would be understandable that she felt affection toward J, whether you loathe her for it or not, right?

 

[Charbella]

@OliveJewel i guess for me Jnisnt the same as this person. Plus I have no idea how I’m going to feel if actual memories surface. My feelings towards J have evolved since getting a more accurate picture.

 

[OliveJewel]

My feelings towards J have evolved

Yes and this is what I was curious about if the flashback might help bridge the gap between adult you loathing mini you and being aware that mini you was not out of line or loathsome for feeling what she felt. That it would have been normal before you figured out the situation. You are afraid of your feelings for the person with the hand changing, and you see how they have changed with J, but mini you didn’t have the knowledge that adult you has, so does treating her as though she should have known better seem… reasonable?

 

[Friday]

A product of a mind that has two many terrible memories and something is pairing things that don’t pair. Which is that much harder to just know. My other memories of abuse are very concrete.

Is there anyone so incrediably scary that your mind would protect you with a protector, there?

I know. It’s super f*cked. But children in countries in conflict do this so frequently (the memory is their parent killing everyone in the village, and taking the children on trucks to become soldiers; instead of the person who actually did, and it even holds/becomes more strongly reinforced if the child actually killed their parents on order from army/rebels. Their minds so desperate to cling to anything to counteract the horrors), that it’s known as carrying a “teddy bear” by local aid workers. It’s PART of why reuniting child soldiers with parents/family can go so horribly and violently wrong.

It’s also part of why searching harder FOR memories, creates so many false memories. Something horrible happened? Okay! Let’s give you a teddy bear to hold onto, and place someone you love, who protects you, there with you. In the only other role available.

I don’t …usually… weigh in on memory threads, because my ADHD brain? Will give honest answers. Because I believe that if a person is asking? They have the right to know. So I compress 12 years of school & textbooks & peer reviewed journals &professors; and however many years of first hand experience into a few paragraphs… which? Usually piss people off. So? One ADHD brain, to another?

There’s no way to know what actually happened, if you yourself don’t remember -or- press yourself to remember.

My best piece of advice? Don’t turn on your allies & beloved… if you can in any way avoid it. People who are sources of love & strength? Are few and far between. And precious. Until proven otherwise. Soak up all the love and strength you can.

 

[Charbella]

Is there anyone so incrediably scary that your mind would protect you with a protector, there?

You mean if the person I’ve clung to and convinced my self they love me endlessly sexually abused me, yeah I’d need protection from that.

My best piece of advice? Don’t turn on your allies & beloved… if you can in any way avoid it. People who are sources of love & strength? Are few and far between. And precious. Until proven otherwise. Soak up all the love and strength you can.

In my world being loved, doesn’t exist. Loving someone enough to make it feel like they do, that I can do. I’d never accuse him or break the relationship without concrete knowledge and at this point I simply don’t have it.

There’s no way to know what actually happened, if you yourself don’t remember -or- press yourself to remember.

I’m definitely not pressing the issue. In lots of ways I’d rather just not know.

however EMDR keeps bringing it up…and I keep shutting it down. I don’t think this is going to go quietly back into its box. Which is why I need to know how I can open my mind to it being possible rather than shutting it out as impossible. I’m struggling to sleep because the hands seem to show up every time I close my eyes, so Im afraid to do so.

 

[Freddyt]

My best piece of advice? Don’t turn on your allies & beloved… if you can in any way avoid it. People who are sources of love & strength? Are few and far between. And precious. Until proven otherwise. Soak up all the love and strength you can.

however EMDR keeps bringing it up…and I keep shutting it down.

It will keep hanging around until you choose to deal with it. It's harder than hell to dive in and do it - and it will leave you messed up while you do - but dealing with it is the only way to fix it. I see your comments on Frieda's diary and you know how her stuff went. Until she dealt with the stuff she didn't want to she went round in circles trying to figure out how to heal without confronting what happened.

The choice is yours obviously but Robert Frost had it right, "the only way out is through...."

 

[Friday]

You mean if the person I’ve clung to and convinced my self they love me endlessly sexually abused me, yeah I’d need protection from that.

Nope. Other way around. Someone that your mind would replace WITH someone you love. So that you aren’t alone, but have them with you.