Therapist timekeeping

[Sandstone]

Yesterday, we spoke about the effort needed for me to arrive promptly, which I always do. I told her I set three timers, to ensure I meet deadlines in getting ready to go. That day I'd arrived, one minute early, to find her entrance gate still locked. It was a tough day in a tough week for me, and I'd been tempted to go home, though I didn't tell her the latter. She was ready within two minutes, and seemed to have a plan for what she wanted to cover, so I'm confident she had prepared for the session.

Then we moved onto some hard stuff about traumas. Neither she nor I realised we overran by more than 20minutes, until her next client apologetically knocked at the door, saying she wondered if she had the wrong day. I joked that I need to set another timer there, and rushed out. T apologised, saying she wasn't having a good day.

This is the second or third time she has not been ready promptly. One was when she overran with the preceding client,and I was the one barging in. She has often gone over time with me, saying she felt we needed to finish the topic, and I'm grateful for that time.

I can't cope though with messing up someone else's appointment, and I'm quite inclined to try a timer to warn me at 50 minutes, and also to tell T that if I arrive and the gate is shut, I'll assume she is having a bad day and go home. I'd need to phrase that carefully, to indicate that it wasn't a criticism but a realistic acceptance that she isn't going to be useful on such a day. I'd always rather go home than attend, but that's just me being dismissive avoidant.
I'm also aware that my desire to take control can sabotage therapy, and I'm working on changing that.

This is a distraction that I've already wasted three hours on today. I've got more useful therapy stuff to be looking at, and I'd rather use my energies on pursuing my own thoughts on why I'm not as recovered as I'd like, and on the therapy work on inner child and trauma stuff.

What would you do to put the timekeeping issue to bed? I'm pretty confident she is the right person for me to be working with at the moment, so suggestions of finding an alternative will go nowhere.

 

[Mach123]

Really sorry she's totally wrong! You shouldn't be dealing with this not even for one second! I'm upset and it's not even happening to me. You should be 100% confident your appointment is going to begin and end on time and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. That's her responsibility and she's negligent and she needs to be corrected and you shouldn't have to do it and I'm really sorry because it introduces a thing into that relationship you don't need.
: (

 

[scout86]

I really like the way you're approaching this.

What I'd do is talk to her about it.

The way I see it, it's not YOU who's messing with the schedule. It's her schedule and her "rest of the day".

My business involves traveling to places and working on horses for their owners. I have a schedule. I do my best to stick to it but some days that works better than others. My goal is to get the job done well and devote 100% of my attention to what I'm doing at time. If I'm late to your horse today, that's the reason (usually) and there will probably be another day when late because of your horse. I've deliberately decided the quality of the work is more important than the clock.

Different people deal with that approach differently. Most people understand it. Like I said, I do my best to stay on schedule and the times i don't are the exception. But, eventually the people who are really obsessed with punctuality, and who value the schedule over the quality the work, switch farriers. I figure that's probably for the best, no harm no foul. I look a therapy the same way. My T balances time and people about like I do. Some days I wait for him, some days we run over. I've been tempted to worry about it but I've deliberately decided not to. The time I spend waiting, I use to practice finding better ways think about the situation.

I really think you should talk about this though. For one thing, what does she expect you to do while you're locked out? Had she even though of that?

 

[grit]

Thank you for posting this. Completely different story but I think similar to what I am just dissecting in my own therapy...I have my own post running about that...(-;

One of the basic basic strict boundary of dyad therapy is that the therapist keeps timing, provides a safe space and gets paid. Without these three, there is no safety in therapy as you are experiencing in the first hand.

You may say but I am feeling safe and that is not the issue BUT really what is the issue then? you come in on time, she takes you in and gives you free 20 min and sure the next guy comes in and probably gets also another 20 min extra...eventually some clients will find this disorganization not worth it and would leave and maybe clients are leaving and that is why she is having a bad day in some sessions!

The question you ask yourself is this: a) can you afford time wise to be late in therapy? do you have a place to be after therapy where you are always running late? If not, OK.
Are you feeling guilty for taking free time or having the next client be annoyed at your expense? Do any of these feelings related to your past? like you had a parent who lied about timing or promises or that a sibling was favoured over you? does this remind you of anything from the past? you must expand your thoughts about this.

PS. for me my therapist is also bad on keeping time but always five min late at the end and I noticed the first time and thought Ok maybe it is me who is annoyed but I realized eventually, that it is too minor to care. we supposed to finish 50 and she seems to notice at 55...I let it go cause 5 min is not a biggie but I think if it was 20 min, honestly I would feel guilty of taking free time and would have said something very strongly that sorry I do not want free therapy and would want to keep the boundaries tight and if she broke again, she is not respecting my boundaries. but that is me.

A therapist is teaching us how to be in healthy relationship where boundaries are respected since we did not learn about boundaries as children of trauma past. If this therapist is so shallow about basic boundaries no wonder you cannot get to work on trauma, because the container is not set yet so in essence you are not feeling safe internally with her. Also if you are stuck on this issue, you are spending money on correcting her job not really getting help and unfortunately all her clients are suffering similar things.

Maybe you want to stay with her because the feeling of unsafe is familiar to you and you truly do not know what a safe boundary is and this therapist is not taking that seriously.

It is really big deal. so good for you to start dissecting this and becoming very conscious of it.

 

[Sandstone]

no wonder you cannot get to work on trauma

I can't have been clear - we can and we are, to a greater extent than any previous T.

in healthy relationship where boundaries are respected

Don't we also discuss issues in a healthy relationship? It isn't solely about her setting the boundary, but also about recognising and resolving a problem? I'm here, working out ways to resolve it and preparing myself for next week, so she and I can resolve it quickly and get on with the more important work we have embarked on. I want to focus on what I found myself talking about this week- the labels I attach to each trauma that make it "impossible" to talk about them. I WILL NOT be diverted by this, tempting though it might be.

really what is the issue then?

The issue about the gate being locked is that I don't like being reminded that there is a gate and it can be locked - I've posted about that elsewhere. The potential of being trapped is close to my "pinned down and in pain" trigger.
The issue about timekeeping is about control in various forms. I'm aware that this T is imperfect, just as all therapists must be. I'm also aware that I've let my inclination to assess them get in the way of doing the work, and I'm not going to do that this time. So ideally I want to find a way to resolve this that doesn't involve me dictating how it will be. I'd rather take and apply all that she has to offer - if I do that I will be a long way further ahead than I am now.
Punctuality is also important to me, because I like rules, structure and routine as a way to ward of chaos and unpredictability, which scare me. However, I have happily accepted therapists overrunning, because there are no adverse effects on others. I have wondered in this case whether extended sessions are actually bad for me, because we can cover too much. Now it has definitely caused a problem for someone else, it needs to be resolved. There might be some mileage in looking at why I feel their needs are more valid than mine, but that is probably caught up in the conversation we also had this week about being superfluous and irrelevant as a child. I'm astounded at how much we cover each session, and I really don't want to waste or damage this .

she's negligent and she needs to be corrected and you shouldn't have to do it

No, I hope she will do it for herself. I've also considered taking it up through the Director of the provider organisation, but I think I would only do that if it couldn't be fixed one to one. I'm aware that I've already had one false start through them, with an incompatible therapist and I don't want to appear as someone who only wants to find fault.

the quality of the work is more important than the clock.

That is the view I usually take. I've never had a problem when I have to wait for medical appointments, because it means they have taken the time needed for someone else. But in this case, the late start was either because she needed time to recover from a previous client, so locked the gate for privacy, or more likely because her life got in the way. Either would bother me.

what does she expect you to do while you're locked out? Had she even though of that?

I doubt she has, because I doubt she has intended me to be locked out. If anything, I think she would assume I'd sit in the car on her drive and wait

 

[grit]

It isn't solely about her setting the boundary

As a professional therapist, this is her job actually to set the therapeutic boundaries including the time. Not yours.

I hope you find the gem in your post.

 

[EveHarrington]

How many clocks does your therapist have in her office?

Mine has at least three.

This ensures that if we go over, it’s by a few minutes at most as a clock can be seen from every seat.

 

[Mach123]

Since I assume she's a trauma therapist she should know that and screw ups will throw you off balance. You shouldn't have to be anxious about her screwing up, which she's already shown she will. You shouldn't have to be anxious about having to bring it up, which is like a confrontation, or going to her superiors which is even worse. I'm sorry like I said because you shouldn't have to deal with it but, since you like her otherwise it's not necessarily a deal breaker, just an uncomfortable situation you don't need. I hope she sees her error and corrects it for you. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever. Good luck!

(I hate to say it but when I was newer with her if she'd have pulled that on me I would have yelled at her lol)

 

[Sandstone]

How many clocks does your therapist have

I haven't looked. I think only one clock, facing her. I'd have to put my glasses on to see what is on that table.
It sounds as though you think it is a shared responsibility to be aware of the time?

 

[Mach123]

I haven't looked. I think only one clock, facing her. I'd have to put my glasses on to see what is on that table

Point it out, ask her if she can see it.?

 

[scout86]

I think it's good that you realize that at least some this is about your need to feel things like control and order and structure. I kind of have a "thing" about feeling trapped too. But I tend to view the tyranny of a clock as a kind of trap.

I think you're showing some good insights. Discuss it with your T. I think she'll find it helpful to know how you experience these things.

 

[EveHarrington]

I haven't looked. I think only one clock, facing her. I'd have to put my glasses on to see what is on that table.
It sounds as though you think it is a shared responsibility to be aware of the time?

I am not putting any of the blame on you. She is the one who guides the session, and it’s her responsibility to end the session on time.

My question about the clocks was like this.... I can always see a clock so in my mind I always know how much time I have left, and won’t jump into a deep topic near the end of a session. It’s about regulating what I talk about and when, not about making sure the session ends on time. I never stop until she says the session is over. It does sometimes go over by up to five minutes.

I honestly think it should be like this in most therapists offices, as long as it isn’t detrimental to the therapeutic process. Is it fair to you to not know the time so that you can make a wise decision about what you’d like to discuss? It’s EASY to talk for half an hour and have it feel like five minutes. No clock means you aren’t given the power to self regulate. I mean it’s distracting and rude to constantly be checking your watch/phone. It’s so much easier to be able to quickly glance at a click out of the corner of your eye without missing a beat in the conversation.