Identity Issues: People's names

[Still Standing]

(Admin. I am not sure where this thread needs to land, so I will post here. Feel free to relocate it, if need be.)

Yesterday, I was overcome with deep emotion and was shocked at how upset I was over this matter. I have difficulty with people that are close to me changing their names. I have not figured out the "why" but am piecing together name issues that have had an impact in my life. I am just wondering if anyone else has difficulty with this. Let me explain:

Growing up, it was strongly drummed into me that I should always sign my formal name on all forms of documents and contracts etc. Yet, the only time my formal name was used in the family was when my mom would scream and yell at me, other wise everyone knew me as, an called me, by the nickname version of my real name. I am that nickname, even today. It took until I was in my 40's before I felt comfortable signing my nickname on cards and letters to family. Growing up, my brother was always called by his middle name. Sister #1 was called by her nickname, not her formal name. My mother, on the other hand had many names changes through her life. My earliest was her being called, Patsy. Then it was Pat. Then she went to work and became Edna (her formal name). Whenever she married, her last name changed. When she divorced she would revert it back to the last name us kids had. She was married four times. The only saving grace was that to me, she was "mom" but if I had to introduce her, I never knew what name she was wanting to be called, at the moment.

Then as my brother and sister became adults, their names changed, too. My brother began wanting to be called by his first name which was totally foreign to me and my sisters. He was and always will be the name we grew up with, not his first name. And to hear his wife and his friends call him by his first name, upsets me. That is not who he is! And my one sister, is called a different name by all her friends and the family she married into. This too, makes me so uncomfortable because this is not who she is! Then my best friend that I have known for 52 years, is known in the family by her given name but all her friends from her work and outer circle of friends call her by a nickname. I don't "know" her as that person. And then there is my hubby. He used to be called by a childhood nickname but when he entered school, he began to go by his given name. But, through the years, when he takes a new job, people around him attach a new name to him out of fun and he goes by it. The newest name he has adopted came from his last job, which is a comic book character's name. I resent him being called by a name he is not. He used this name to reserve a table at a retaurant, the other night. I fully expected to hear his real name called when the table was ready and I was thrown into turmoil when his "new" name was called. It hurt me deeply because I do not want to be known as his wife by this comic book's character's name.

I had to do some gulping to keep back the tears. And I realized that something in this name stuff triggers me. I think it has something to do with my mom's overly insistent instructions to use my real name and yet, people close to me so freely in changing theirs. It is confusing and deeply upsettig to me. Until right now, I have never voiced this frustration because I figured it was a silly complaint. But, all of a sudden, the issue came crashing down over my head and caused me to sit down and think about the "whys".

I wonder if this is why I do not address people by their names, in real life? I go into an internal panic when with others because I am never sure what their names are. With time, as I get comfortable with people, then I can call them by name, but it takes a long to time to do so. there is a sense of unrest and underlying panic if I get a name wrong.

Does anyone else struggle with this name issue? I sure would like to know what your thoughts are about this. I am considering telling the psych doc about this name stuff, this week, and see what he has to say about it. In the meantime, it is eating at my brain and I need to understand it.

 

[Teamwork]

Throughout your life there has been little respect, honor, given to the name of people within your family. I also see from what you wrote here that trouble could brew if you didnt know your moms preferred name, hence you sidestepped it. I’ve always had fear anxiety around my name and have done very little work on it. It would seem that I’d rather not be called by my given name. As to nick names, my dad was horrible with what he called me. I was bow legged and he made great sport of singing, shes a bow legged chicken and a nock knee’d hen song. I was also short, so he called me peanut, albeit that was in affection. However, if you humiliate my leg condition by a song making fun of it, then affectionately call me peanut at other times, how then does the child figure out if or which name is loving? My given name also could have ie added to it and people who did that always angered me. I did not like the change my name became when ie was added to the end of it. I was extremely sensitive as a child so anything about my features being intertwined with name calling, or teasing was brutal and I do not recall being called by my given name much. In school, I rarely wrote my name in the name spot, but since I needed to be identified I became my initials. So the whole name thing started very early for me and I empathize with you wholeheartedly.

 

[Still Standing]

I understand the peanut name. Our family was often referred to "Peanuts" as our family name. It rhymed with our last name of which many did not know how to pronounce unless they were familiar with it because it was Czech. But, in my case it was not a term of endearment...just the opposite.

This whole thing is probably tied up in self view isn't it? I hadn't thought of it like this. You were bow-legged and I was chubby and looked like my paternal grandma and Dad of whom my mom hated. So, when she referred to me it was with disgust and my chubbiness was referred to a lot. Hmmmmm....your reply has got me to thinking a bit more deeply. Thanks for your input, @Teamwork. I appeciate your insight. I am sorry that you had/have to deal with this insecurity, too.

 

[Sideways]

This whole thing is probably tied up in self view isn't it?

Am I hearing some grief come through? And even an element of shame (it always seems to be there)?

Nicknames being used so easily and frequently as a term of endearment, and acceptance - would make sense to me that watching that happen is really painful for you...

 

[Still Standing]

Am I hearing some grief come through? And even an element of shame (it always seems to be there)?

Nicknames being used so easily and frequently as a term of endearment, and acceptance - would make sense to me that watching that happen is really painful for you...

I'm not sure that I associate my upset with the name changes with grief. Not saying it is wrong, only that I don't really understand the emotions surrounding the issue. But, the possibility of shame, I don't relate to at all. I do see my real name as that of an old lady who is stiff and cold. It is a formal name with no sense of humor or warmness. I have felt this way about my given name since I was a teenager. And I cringe inside when someone addresses me by my real name. There are only two reasons my real name would be used and the first is my mom yelling my full name for me when I was in trouble. Having my full name yelled is the worst indication that something was amiss and I was about to enter into conflict with my mom. The second reason someone would use my real name is it is being read off of medical records or applications or paperwork that is in the hands of someone who does not know me. If they knew me they would use my nickname. And to hear my real name called makes my stomach drop. I don't like it to be verbalized.

I do agree that nicknames can be terms of endearment. I had never thought about them this way before, though I personally do not relate to them this way. I am going to have to think about this some more. All I know is that I don't like people to change their names from what they have been originally called, in the family or circle of friends. In a way, it is like they are creating a new world around them and I have not been invited into it. I enter their world or the world I am used to seeing them in by using their name I am familiar with. It would be odd and out of place if I were to address them by the name they changed to. It is not who I know them to be.

I'm so confused over this. I do know that, like with my hubby using his newest nickname, I wanted to yell at him that I am not married to a cartoon character. But, I just kept silent and held back tears of frustration.