Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Kubash16]

How are you doing?

 

[somerandomguy]

Thinking of you, @littleoc.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks guys. I hope you’re all doing well :) :)

I ended up stopping the antidepressant for now. It might work if I can get passed the adjusted side effects (I didn’t know that was a thing until @bellbird mentioned it tho D:) but the side effects were getting worse and so I’ve been much happier and better regulated since I quit using it.

Still on my other meds tho.

I was not approved for food stamps because I am a student, and policy says I must find work first. Of else quit school and/or become a single mother. (The lady on the phone was both apologetic and funny.) The interviewer said that if I can get a job in thirty days, I will get a food stamp card and it may help with medications as well. If I can’t get a job in thirty days, I can re-file after that time, it’s just that I’d have to do the interview and paperwork again.

The lady on the phone tried everything to help me though. She even tried putting me find as volunteering. Didn’t work though.

Anyway, for Valentines Day my mom and I went our for pancakes :D :D I got her some purple/yellow irises and surprised her with them. She was so delighted that I was able to hear when she discovered them from the other side of the house!

I didn’t tell her about my orchid Henry’s death, but she gifted me a baby orchid. I’m afraid for it but I think it can make it if I know what to look for? Henry made it through 12 moves in and out if dorms as a younger plant. Maybe this one can handle stress for a bit?

Anyway, I also agreed to accept a rescue black widow. The cage is ready! All I’m waiting for until I can give the okay to house her is the danger sign. (Just in case.) It’s a cute little house. I’ll attach a picture, but I’ll have to edit it out later, so if you’re snooping from the future, just picture a heart-shaped hole in a log and you’re good. Also a tiny live plant and a hallow, Metal geometric hide.

A friend has gifted me my first mezuzah.

I drove through the neighborhood my dad grew up in when his parents moved to TN from PA. It makes me mad how spoiled he was. I’m still glad I grew up not rich because I think it helped me in a way, but I wouldnt have minded being, I dunno, comfortable? growing up.

He lived in a six story house with a four car garage, a gazebo (unless the new people added it, I guess I could have asked them) that cost several million dollars and now belongs to another important musician.

My therapist told me that if I ever become able to get a six story house, she couldn’t see me being able to use every room, and not wanting to waste all that energy for heating and cooling, so I’d probably save money and get a tiny house and then save to travel. I laughed cuz I think she’s right.

I am thinking of meeting with my dad to give him back his fire station at least. I feel bad that he kept choosing to stalk my mom over picking it up. But I can’t tell if he’s attached to it or afraid of it honestly. It’s from their PA house which burnt down in a “suspicious accident” but I don’t know any details. His toy fire station that his grandpa made was one of the only things that survived the fire. He was a small child and it caused a move to another state, so it must have been hard on him.

Shush, I can feel bad for my dad as a lil kiddo. He wasn’t evil as a kiddo, he was abused. Now that he’s an adult his life is his problem, but I think I can still feel bad about his childhood.







Tl:Dr I’m doing pretty well! Driving a lot, looking for work so I can get the food stamps (they’re called EBTs now) and am rescueing a black widow.

Black widow venom is 15 times more potent than a rattle snake bite. That’s why I’m not agreeing to accept her until my danger sigh arrives. I’m afraid some well meaning person might open it on accident thinking it’s my lizard or something, lol. They’re very docile though, so I’m more concerned about the thing being escape proof, even though widows also don’t move much once that build their webs, so I’m just treating her like a pea-sized version of the deadly-tarantula-my-Dad-had-us-keep guy we had once. If I didn’t have experience, I wouldn’t accept!

She is chemically injured somehow? I haven’t been briefed on her entire story yet.

Oh also the electric company is charging everyone $300 monthly any time it gets cold because “energy is a limited resource” and I could only get one senator to care. The other one is, uh... I’ll stop there actually.

Anyway, I’m totally fine! Just trying to keep a low profile and be peaceful :)

I hope y’all are having great days!!! If not, sending you an extra hug!!

 

[bellbird]

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Edit to above: couldn’t get a photo of the terrarium I made unless I had my reflection in it or else a bright light, so just picture it! It’s adorable.

Funny story that sounds a bit weird by the way!! Two of them, actually.

(1)
While I was putting together the thing, I accidentally glued my fingers together! It hurt like a bitch too. I always wear gloves but the SECOND I take them off of course... I got my fingers apart using a comb, but the glue was stuck on three of my fingers and still hurt a bit. Couldn’t just peel it off either. Figured about three showers and/or soaks would get it off eventually! My mom looked at it and agreed. (It’s not the kind of glue you can mix with nail polish remover.)

Then went to synagogue. We did the healing prayer. Normal stuff.

Two minutes after the prayer, I realized the glue was gone from my fingers! Completely gone!! Whaaaaat???

I’m thinking it was from me subconsciously playing with my phone’s wallet chain, which is metal, but still, it was cool. Haha.

(2)
The black widow’s name is Nevertheless, because of the spider’s spiritual meaning, and that’s also the message from some religious learning I did this week. I like little signs like that.

The word “Nevertheless” is used for shifting how your brain works. “I don’t feel good and the weather is gross, nevertheless running is good for me.” “I don’t want to eat healthy, nevertheless I want to be healthy so I will.” “I don’t want to live in a hoarded house, nevertheless I can handle it for a short time.” “I feel horrible that my mom has to live here, nevertheless i have to accept it for now.”

It’s a powerful word!! You try it! :P

 

[littleoc]

Thanks for the hugs @bellbird. I’m doing okay tho!

Also thanks to the rest of you for staying with me through the rougher times. The support is super appreciated. I’ll return the favor if I can.

 

[littleoc]

Dude I just realized, if my dad’s house as a kid was six stories after a house burned down — don’t people move into smaller houses after loosing one?? lol

It probably wasn’t too much bigger than that though?

 

[littleoc]

@somerandomguy I've been thinking of you too! :)

 

[littleoc]

have you thought anymore about asking grandparents for help? They may be afraid to offer because they think you will take it as your mom doesn't care about you.

Or - can you ask at the synagogue if anyone has ideas on where you can move? Maybe someone there has a rental or needs a roommate...

No, I haven’t. I don’t really want to get them too involved right now. I’m sure I’m just scared but also, it doesn’t seem wise.

I would feel awful. I know they’ve already spent $35,000+ on me alone. They did buy my brother a $7000 car and put him in Vandy (he and I wanted to go to different schools) which is similarly priced to my university (though they gave him more financial aid because of a special enrollment thing he did, long story), and they bought my mom a house. And bought my dad a house.

But I know my grandmother has spent so much on me and I feel weird about it and don’t want her to think I only see her as a money source. I would rather keep living in tiny conditions and make it out on my own. Plus, that goes with how weirdly independent I am. (Humans are social animals, I know, I’m doing my best.)






Oh fun thing!!! At synagogue today I did a bit of public speaking! I forgot English again and needed a bit of help but I at least didn’t sound that stupid. Haha. I’ll be able to talk without support one day!

In regular conversation most people don’t notice anyway.

 

[littleoc]

Actually, when I have money, I wonder if a speech therapist would help. I had a speech therapist when I was five or six. I can talk soooooo much better now thanks to that, no mixing up certain letters and no stuttering! My stuttering went away without therapy though, I think.

But I still suck at knowing words, unless I have time to write them down. My typing speed goes from 70 to 50 or even 10-30 when I have to write my own stuff. But it comes out really well usually, it’s just that it takes me so long that in conversations I occasionally have difficulty.

I know the colors though, lol. Useless to everyone else tho

 

[littleoc]

At least I know when my cat wants her litter box changed. I’m Dr. Doolittle in disguise but more tragic

 

[littleoc]

That was a joke