Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

That's great with the yoga - I think you're actually going to love it. It was extremely scary for me, too, but I found out very quickly that it's an incredibly welcome environment.

Considering where you live, that makes total sense.

I have no idea if this class will become a regular thing, though, so I hope it does!! Whether I like it or not, lol.

And true. And besides the house, the horrible weird illnesses I kept getting. Rituals (OCD or just regular superstitions) seem to be all about controlling the uncontrollable, so that food poisoning with the fish, the weird illness that lasted like two months maybe, and the house itself probably are all contributing.

So hopefully moving out will make me feel just a little better!

Holy crap!!! I am soooo proud of you!!! I don't even have words!!! :hug:

Thank you!!! :D

 

[littleoc]

I’m just here because I wanted to tell you guys that I got two black widows, so the other one is Peabody now. (Cuz she’s the size of a pea!!) She’s in a critter keeper that I had for a brown recluse. (I love spiders.)

Lessie is afraid of cameras, but I got a good shot of her heart shapes (she forgot to finish her hour glass) that I’ll post here for a bit :D

The other lady isn’t afraid of cameras, but she does hide her face any time I move her terrarium with a bump.

I moved Lessie from the bottom of her terrarium to the top to get her to make a nest in a more displayed area. She ran away repeatedly and refused to be aggressive to the moving utensil (i dunno what to call it).

She also kept playing dead and curling her legs over her head in a self-protective way. Not aggressive in the slightest!

I already love these two.

They are not native to TN so I must keep them. Not sure of their story, thinking at this point I won’t get their story, but they’re pretty cool. And very relatable

 

[littleoc]

Also, the new Salad Fingers episode is very interesting in depth. Lol. Don’t watch it though, it’s horrifying. Unless you already know what I’m talking about, definitely don’t look it up. But in the last episode, he finally beat his negative personality and his internalized abusive mom! Episode ends with him shattering the mirror where his mom’s past abuse still lives, and breaking the pieces too small for her to verbally abuse him. But he leaves one shard in tact, cuts his own finger on it, rubs his blood on it, and then places it in a box — all symbols that she and her abuse is still a part of him, but now is in a special place in his mind where she can’t hurt him so much.

She also completely fails to make Salad’s flesh boy (don’t look it up, it’s so creepy it’s terrifying) (basically Salad’s son) into what she made Salad into. Because Salad learns how to stick up for himself when he has to parent/when his sense of self is renewed.

But when he closes the box on the shard of glass where his abusive mom is still calling him too feminine, she says, “Wait until your father gets home —” and Salad quickly closes the box and puts her away, physically and symbolically. But we haven’t seen much of Salad’s father in previous episodes, not that you should watch it (I’m dead serious, not being funny, it’s really disturbing), so I think he’s going to be able to fix his entire messed up childhood and live a normal life (as much as Salad could possible be normal) in the future!

Proud of him. Lol.

He also rubs his flesh boy into the glass in a nice way. Not totally sure how to interpret that yet.

His flesh boy lets him be more masculine though, so now no one can make fun of him for being feminine.

Also also, he uses the “spare flesh” of what I’m guessing is a character who died banging his head on a door with a nail in a previous episode. I feel like he was making sure his son/flesh BOY wasn’t able to be bullied for being feminine. Because he’s wrapped in the flesh of a man.

Dont watch it though, if you’re curious just look for summaries online. Trust me. It’s designed for disturbing people and it really draws it out, lol. (Talented writer for sure. Leaves you saying “what the f*ck” for days. But can also be analyzed really well for PTSD and DID symbolisms.) I just wanted to talk about it somewhere where no one can judge me and I can’t be affected if they do :p

Salad isn’t a bad guy. He’s just insane, it happens

f*cked up show btw, don’t watch unless you want nightmares

 

[littleoc]

I also applied to several cashier and other grocery jobs. Trying to find something that will help me feel more secure while I start looking for more advanced jobs. Science things mostly.

I’m honestly very insecure about my ability to get into the science careers community at this point. I almost wonder if I should do a grad school for that too, but I think i need lab experience either way, so. Still watching the nearby university. :/

 

[somerandomguy]

Jeez I remember Salad Fingers from like 15 years ago. I can't believe he's still a thing.

And it takes a lot of work to get the kind of career you want. Just keep checking and don't be afraid to apply for jobs adjacent to or lower-paying than the things you want. Sometimes they're looking for more experience instead of the degree.

 

[littleoc]

Right? I have no idea why it came back. I'm not even sure who the target audience is anymore, lol

And true. Hard work pays off. And continuing to try. I'll keep trying. Something will work eventually.

I did find out that my mom pays $325 monthly for rent, so now I'm sort of jealous, lol. All good tho. Her landlords are my grandparents of course, so they are probably giving her a heavy discount. Which sucks because this house isn't sellable at this point and they seem unsure how to address that. My mom doesn't even like it here.



I didn't get enough sleep last night and as a result I've been having ridiculous mood swings and a hard time staying positive. I almost regret going to that yoga class. That feeling of not being good enough is back. I'm still too weak to do most normal human things, I still socialize like an intelligent non-human animal, I arrived late, and I had a flashback to my gym teacher in elementary school hating me and throwing a basketball in my face. I got freaked out at the idea of partnering up for a thing, Nestle randomly stood up to say hi to someone (not sure why), etc.

But I understand the only reason these things are sticking out is because I am sleep deprived, because it was a rather good experience anyway. Good way to start the day. I'd love to do it again. Even though it hurts a lot. Probably from not developing muscles correctly as a child because no one else seems to be having these issues. Despite that, I felt very safe because there was a man to my right and in front of me, so that was nice. One of the men accidentally brought a blanket instead of a matt, and was doing all the poses anyway, so that was fun too.

Also several young people invited me to go do stuff sometimes so that's nice.

My new computer arrived but it can only hook up to HDMI for some stupid reason. I haven't gotten much done of my final project and I am very opposed to turning it in late.

I am also feeling incredibly lonely and for some reason convinced again that no one cares about me, which I already know is false so that's just the human brain I have being annoying.

Probably has something to do with socializing like a f*cking cat or something and then not understanding fully why no one is excited to see me like they are people they say hi to. I know that's irrational, don't worry. People do care about me, I'm just not close to them yet. People have told me hi every single day I've come in. I both take a lot of time and no time to warm up to people, so. It is what it is. I'm just overly emotional today.

Some people have stopped saying hi to me and it immediately makes me worried that they can tell something is wrong with me. Irrational thought, that is.

It feels like I had a bad day but I'm trying to not feel that way. It's just sleep deprivation. I'm trying to be proud of myself for trying something new.

I think if the rabbi said "Thank you for making it," instead of "Try not to be late again" I would feel a little better about today. She wasn't being mean at all though, she was just making a group boundary that was reasonable and I agree with it, so that's just the tired human brain acting up again. It's not like that's the only thing she said, and she wasn't upset, and she even said it was okay. And I wasn't in any position where I had to provide an excuse.

Also the storm here has produced one tornado so far, but it's calm here. We've had fall and winter tornadoes so I'm not excited about spring.

Also, problem I noticed: never mind, I don't feel comfortable sharing.

Gonna go try to at least get 1/2 to 2/3rds through this final project now. I can do this. Will try to go to bed at the right time for once. It's really hard to do things in this house.

 

[littleoc]

It hasn't been a true bad day though. Just a brain-is-too-tired day. I wish I had gotten enough sleep before trying to do things. The drive home was really nice. The peace I felt during the yoga was cool. The lightning and thunder right now are soothing. Nothing too bad out there right now. :)

 

[littleoc]

Update!! The storm pretty much missed us! We just got a light show :)

Also, I fed both widows and they are bad ass, lol

 

[littleoc]

I just realized HOW irrational the thought “everyone hates me” really is. When I meet new people, I very rarely immediately hate them, unless they say something like “I always kill a bunny for Taco Tuesday and never eat it” or something like that, haha. So if someone hates me immediately, then they aren’t nice people anyway probably?

Brandi didn’t like me when we first met. Not sure about Scottie, and Jamie hated me for being “weird.” I put that in quotes because Jamie and I sort of had the same personality, except I didn’t behead baby animals for fun. (I know little kids/delayed kids accidentally kill animals while being curious, this wasn’t that. She was high intelligence and about 13, and should have known better. Definitely stuff going on at home but no deprived basic instincts at the least, so no good explanation for the killings. She creeps me out.)

Anyway, people don’t seem to hate instantly in adulthood, usually? Or if they do that shouldn’t affect me anyway, right?

 

[Kubash16]

I’ve never hated (truly hated) anyone instantly. I will say there have been people that I have immediately felt like I should be extremely cautious around because they either give me a bad vibe or they act similar to my step dad or something. So, even though I don’t know you in real life, I couldn’t imagine hating or disliking you instantly.

 

[littleoc]

Alright, perfect!!

There’s also that video on YouTube right now by SciShow Psych called “People like you more than you think” but honestly I’ve been afraid to watch it. I feel like I’ll be some kind of weird exception, which is certainly irrational.

At least I know when thoughts are irrational. Silly brain.

 

[Freida]

I just realized HOW irrational the thought “everyone hates me” really is. When I meet new people, I very rarely immediately hate them, unless they say something like “I always kill a bunny for Taco Tuesday and never eat it” or something like that, haha. So if someone hates me immediately, then they aren’t nice people anyway probably?

Yay!!!!

Or if they do that shouldn’t affect me anyway, right?

Exactly!

Have you talked to your college about a work study program? It's a great way to get work experience in your field without actually having a job. And if you do grad school you can work as an instructor or as part of a large study.