Sufferer Just really confused - CSA, Combat, MSA

[b.matt]

Hi there. I have been in and out of therapy for most of my 41 years, and I have no idea what to believe anymore.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD by about half of the doctors I've seen, and the others have diagnosed just about everything else, from ADHD to depression to GAD. None of it really seems to fit.

I have all of the typical symptoms of PTSD, except I haven't remembered any dreams since I was in High School. This seems to be one sticking point on the diagnosis, but the bigger issue is that I can't figure out why I am having the symptoms in the first place.

I was raped as a child, from age 3 to about 8, and those memories are like watching movies. I feel bad for the boy in my memories, but my actual feelings from that time of my life are just not there.

The worst memories though, are from my time in the Army and stem from several combat situations, and from being seduced/drugged by my 45 yo superior when I was 18. These things happened really close together in time, and the feelings that I had at that time were impossible to live with, but I couldn't kill myself either. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to endure. I used to just lay in bed or on the bus or train and cover my head and shake. Physically trying to make the thoughts go away.

When memories of this time come today, I can't seem to just make them go away anymore, and I'm not even sure if I want to. I feel like I spent the last 20 years in a bubble, only feeling something when the emotions were strong enough to break through the alcohol, pot and SSRI's. I can't live like that anymore.

Instead what I get now is all mixed together. I feel depressed or manic on the surface but under that shell there is just a big jumble of shame, fear and anger. It seems like these feelings come and go now whenever they want.

The truth is, it doesn't really even matter if I have PTSD or not, because the treatment is the same. Pills and therapy. I just can't help but wonder if there is something out there for PTSD that could get to the cause of all these issues, instead of just treating symptoms and putting out emotional fires.

I don't know what I'm looking for in posting this. I realize that no one here can give me a diagnosis. I know there are other people out there who feel the same way and went through the same things. If anything, hearing about those people's survival stories makes me even more ashamed, because if someone else has gotten through it, then this shouldn't be so hard for me either.

Thanks for reading this.
-Brian

 

[ChildofGod]

Hi Brian. I am sorry for the bad things that have happened to you. I too, have toxic shame. I don't know if you ever looked that up or not. Medication has helped me a lot and I had to change my prescription, because the other one wasn't helping at all. There are books and support groups and many resources available online. I know you are hurting a lot and I hope you find some peace of mind/feel safe.

You are so very brave. You've come to a wonderful place and I hope that you feel at home here. I just wanted to say that you aren't alone in your suffering anymore. much support, zencat

 

[EveHarrington]

Who told you that you must have dreams in order to have ptsd? (You don’t)

A diagnosis does matter in that it can help you get the right kind of treatment.

If you’ve only been taking SSRIs then you’ve missed out on a whole world of meds that could possibly help you.

Welcome!

 

[b.matt]

Thank you zencat. I have been thinking a lot lately about a support group. My therapist actually suggested a retreat, and was going to find info for me, but that was a few months ago. I will look and see if there are any links to that sort of thing here in this group.

You are right about the shame. I think it comes from the decisions I was made to believe I had...if that makes any sense. In my head, I know there were no real choices in any of it, certainly no consent. But it seems like my heart will always feel like I allowed it, at least, and should have done something - who knows what. It just leaves me with enough wiggle room to always have the weight of it come right back on my shoulders. Its nice to type that and have a bit of actual hope that someone else understands it.

It also felt oddly validating to hear you say I'm not alone. I feel like I know that "on paper", but its hard not to feel isolated these days. Anyway, thanks again.

 

[b.matt]

Who told you that you must have dreams in order to have ptsd? (You don’t)

A diagnosis does matter in that it can help you get the right kind of treatment.

If you’ve only been taking SSRIs then you’ve missed out on a whole world of meds that could possibly help you.

Welcome!

Hi Eve.
You are right about the dreams, its just that they are a symptom I don't have (thankfully). As for the DSM, I meet that criteria a different way, or something. For this current therapist, the sticking point is that he can't seem to see a link between my symptoms and the past trauma. I think he is a moron for this, but I am not a doctor.

He told me a story about a veteran who wouldn't have coffee on his porch anymore because the geese flying over sent him into a panic. In therapy together they discovered that the geese reminded him of hunting, and then gunpowder and then Vietnam. So he avoids his porch because of Vietnam. Then he asked me if I had anything like that, and I froze. I don't have a clue why I do some of the things I do. I told him that my husband and I weren't having sex anymore because I feel like I am not even there. Like I just lay there and let it happen to me, and I don't like feeling that way. He said lots of couples get bored with sex. I don't know what to think or say. I'm sure there are a hundred more examples, but how do I know what these feelings are coming from? I have memories attached to the feelings, but its not like I'm having the memories during sex and that's why I don't like it anymore. I think its the feelings I'm avoiding. How can I be sure of why those feelings attack me when they do?

So far, in my life, I have taken Ritalin, Zoloft, Webutrin, Zanax and Gabapentin. Currently, I take Naltrexone and Synthroid. My Psychiatrist recently recommended Clonidine, as I was having some trouble adjusting to going off of the other ones, but I never took one of them.

I guess I really thought that SSRIs were the only current non-addictive option.

Thanks for the reply. It helps.
-Brian

 

[Mach123]

I am willing to say from my experience with my own CSA, sounds as if your feelings are trying to attach to your memories? I just remember always the first trauma therapist sitting in front of me saying "you can't feel your feelings." (In my body.). I thought this was nonsense. I think she was right now. I had the same kind of "I remember that but I don't feel it or idk what that means." I also got to where drugs just didn't stop it anymore. I know it hurts. I'm still doing it? I couldn't let myself feel that stuff.

 

[b.matt]

Yeah, I don't know if I'll ever be able to remember and feel those moments through my own eyes. I cry everytime I think about saying "yes" when he asked me if it felt good...but its like I'm crying because I feel bad for the poor little boy who had no idea how to even begin to answer that question.

Thanks for your perspective, and if you are still feeling this way...then remember you're not alone either.

-Brian

 

[Friday]

I just can't help but wonder if there is something out there for PTSD that could get to the cause of all these issues, instead of just treating symptoms and putting out emotional fires.

Yep. There is.

Trauma therapy is about as different from standard talk therapy as reconstructive surgery & physical therapy is from getting a weekly massage.

Some reading to sink your teeth into...

The ptsd cup explanation

Ptsd therapies

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi Eve.
You are right about the dreams, its just that they are a symptom I don't have (thankfully). As for the DSM, I meet that criteria a different way, or something. For this current therapist, the sticking point is that he can't seem to see a link between my symptoms and the past trauma. I think he is a moron for this, but I am not a doctor.

He told me a story about a veteran who wouldn't have coffee on his porch anymore because the geese flying over sent him into a panic. In therapy together they discovered that the geese reminded him of hunting, and then gunpowder and then Vietnam. So he avoids his porch because of Vietnam. Then he asked me if I had anything like that, and I froze. I don't have a clue why I do some of the things I do. I told him that my husband and I weren't having sex anymore because I feel like I am not even there. Like I just lay there and let it happen to me, and I don't like feeling that way. He said lots of couples get bored with sex. I don't know what to think or say. I'm sure there are a hundred more examples, but how do I know what these feelings are coming from? I have memories attached to the feelings, but its not like I'm having the memories during sex and that's why I don't like it anymore. I think its the feelings I'm avoiding. How can I be sure of why those feelings attack me when they do?

So far, in my life, I have taken Ritalin, Zoloft, Webutrin, Zanax and Gabapentin. Currently, I take Naltrexone and Synthroid. My Psychiatrist recently recommended Clonidine, as I was having some trouble adjusting to going off of the other ones, but I never took one of them.

I guess I really thought that SSRIs were the only current non-addictive option.

Thanks for the reply. It helps.
-Brian

I think you need a new therapist.

Quite often there is no obvious correlation between symptoms and trauma.

Sometimes we experience symptoms because they are just a part of the disorder. For example, fireworks send me through the roof, but I have no trauma history including gunfire, explosions, or anything resembling anything close to fireworks. It’s just a part of my hyper vigilance.

I think that if a therapist tries to connect the dots in only “obvious” ways then the therapist doesn’t understand the deeper impact that trauma has on us.

It looks like you haven’t yet tried anything in the mood stabilizer or antipsychotic family yet. Has your doc ever suggested any of these drugs to you before?

 

[b.matt]

I think you need a new therapist.

Quite often there is no obvious correlation between symptoms and trauma.

Sometimes we experience symptoms because they are just a part of the disorder. For example, fireworks send me through the roof, but I have no trauma history including gunfire, explosions, or anything resembling anything close to fireworks. It’s just a part of my hyper vigilance.

I think that if a therapist tries to connect the dots in only “obvious” ways then the therapist doesn’t understand the deeper impact that trauma has on us.

It looks like you haven’t yet tried anything in the mood stabilizer or antipsychotic family yet. Has your doc ever suggested any of these drugs to you before?

So I typed up a long reply defending my decision to stay with my current therapist, but after all that it comes down to this; I'm scared to change. Of course first, I'm scared that I'm wrong about this, and that my therapist just sees something I don't and that they're only stuck because I am resisting. But after that, I'm scared of who I will get, I'm scared of what they will do with me and I'm scared that they wont accept me after I tell them all of the stories. I am really stuck on this one. How do you even change a therapist, anyway? I mean, do I just tell my current guy that I want to move on? I'm not very good at being assertive, especially not around men.

I agree with you about symptoms not obviously connecting to anything. I just don't really know enough about diagnosing PTSD. I sometimes wonder if I used to have PTSD and have gotten through it, but now just have the victim mentality and being a victim makes me feel normal. Or any combination of that. Like I said, I'm pretty confused. Though, even just the little time I've been here has given me more to think about than the last 6 months of therapy. Whether that's good or bad I don't know.

My psychiatrist has not mentioned any meds to me other than the ones I wrote about. Mood stabilizer immediately worries me because one of the reasons I wanted to stop the SSRIs was that I just felt okay all the time. Artificially okay. I wish I could explain it better. It was like I never got sad enough to cry or angry enough to yell or happy enough to get butterflies, ever. I'm now two months off of the meds, though, and this isn't working either. I'm plenty sad, mad and scared, but the only time I feel good is when I feel safe which is hardly ever. At least on the Zoloft I didn't feel so scared all the time. Other than that I have no frame of reference for stabilizers or antipsychotics. Is there a short answer? If not, I can do a search.

Thanks again for taking the time, Eve.
-Brian

 

[b.matt]

Yep. There is.

Trauma therapy is about as different from standard talk therapy as reconstructive surgery & physical therapy is from getting a weekly massage.

Some reading to sink your teeth into...

The ptsd cup explanation

Ptsd therapies

Thanks Friday,
I have been meaning to look at the cup explanation, and I am very interested to look at the therapy options.

I like talk therapy, but I suppose I would also like a weekly massage. Well, probably not, but that's not the point. I don't need the massage, just like I suppose I don't need talk therapy. It just feels familiar and I suppose that feels safe. I wish that simply knowing things would fix the problems.

I tried PE, but ultimately couldn't figure out what to do for exposure with sex. That, and I didn't want to listen to myself talking about the trauma. I had a trainee for the therapy though, and she was reading most of it out of a book. It was being video recorded for her superior to review. I was definitely not comfortable, but she did give me the choice of whether I wanted her to do the therapy. She was really hopeful because we had hit it off so well, that this could be her first time through PE. I should have said no, but that is kind of a common theme for me. Of course, I am ashamed that I didn't see it through.

The most recent recommendation was DBT but when I asked my therapist why, he said it was to help me with "moments of extreme distress". I think I actually yelled at him, but I just remember he just looked at his computer screen and froze. He told me that he 'heard me "bucking" against the DBT', and to think it over until the next session. I will read more about it, but I just feel like what's going on is more complicated than momentary distress.

Thanks again, its a lot to think about.
-Brian

 

[Mach123]

Yeah, I don't know if I'll ever be able to remember and feel those moments through my own eyes. I cry everytime I think about saying "yes" when he asked me if it felt good...but its like I'm crying because I feel bad for the poor little boy who had no idea how to even begin to answer that question.

Thanks for your perspective, and if you are still feeling this way...then remember you're not alone either.

-Brian

I'm a lot better actually. I think @Friday is right about trauma therapy. Nothing really happened for me till I was a few years in trauma therapy. I have said here most of what you are saying. Sex, men, assertiveness, being submissive. It's textbook CSA stuff. When I got my current therapist she said "this means this and that means that" and there was no doubt, and she kept it up till I saw it.
It takes a long time. I'm very isolated now which is not good I guess but it'll do. I don't know how much better I'll get if at all. I don't think it matters really. I'm not on any meds just weed. I hope you feel better. These people responding are well versed. There's a bunch of good books. I really do understand. I am sorry too. This is what we have to deal with.