Sufferer Just really confused - CSA, Combat, MSA

[b.matt]

I'm a lot better actually. I think @Friday is right about trauma therapy. Nothing really happened for me till I was a few years in trauma therapy. I have said here most of what you are saying. Sex, men, assertiveness, being submissive. It's textbook CSA stuff. When I got my current therapist she said "this means this and that means that" and there was no doubt, and she kept it up till I saw it.
It takes a long time. I'm very isolated now which is not good I guess but it'll do. I don't know how much better I'll get if at all. I don't think it matters really. I'm not on any meds just weed. I hope you feel better. These people responding are well versed. There's a bunch of good books. I really do understand. I am sorry too. This is what we have to deal with.

This perspective is really valuable to me right now, because I'm trying so hard to figure out when I started having these feelings in the first place and then when I subsequently stopped consciously thinking about them and they became personality traits.

It also helps me to remember that I've actually had PTSD for a long time. 10 years before I joined the Army, probably. In the wake of the twisted "games" with the sitters over the years, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I would say, misdiagnosed...except I don't really think PTSD was a thing in 1985. Undoubtedly I'd developed PTSD by my teens.

I have to remember that it doesn't go away, either. So even though there was a time when I feel like I wasn't suffering, the stress in the military brought it all back, or started it again, or something. Then there was the trauma in the military, and after the assault by my Staff Sergeant and then getting shot at and having to revisit those helpless feelings from my childhood when faced with the same moral dilemmas.

I'm starting to think that a part of my horrible time in the military was actually undiagnosed PTSD from the CSA, and that maybe its like the PTSD symptoms I'm working through today stem from memories of the old PTSD that crippled me in the Army. Or maybe the new trauma in the Army just caused new PTSD.

I have a tendency to believe I am an exception, in general, so it would follow that I believe my PTSD is an exception too. What I mean is that I find myself thinking that the reason my diagnosis has been so difficult for some doctors, is because what I'm experiencing now has been altered somehow from the "typical" PTSD symptoms I had in my teens.

Just thinking out loud, I guess.

Thank you, truly.
-Brian

 

[Mach123]

Yes, I always felt like that and I think it's when it follows you out of your childhood (which u didn't have, but you try and think you did.). So the sexual stuff was going on then my mother left my father when I was 12 and took up with a real violent alcoholic with massive symptoms from WWII. They proceeded to hollow out anything that might have vaguely resembled personhood or humanity in me. So I guess that's how I got cPTSD. Like a double dose. I knew I wouldn't make it in the military (so I'm surprised I didn't enlist?). The stuff that went on was bad enough.

Then it was just drugs and stuff. Girlfriends and trying to "act normal." I was kinda ok through my twenties? I stayed mostly unattached. Then I got married. That's about the same as if I'd enlisted I guess lol. We went to war together my wife and I. We're still here though.

About 10 years in, none of my stuff worked anymore and it started coming out and I couldn't pretend anymore it wasn't there. It was like it intruded into my consciousness. I have found "knowing about it and knowing about it" don't mean the same thing. There are levels. Like layers. It's so hard to understand. Then as I understood more and more I sorta wished I didn't.

 

[b.matt]

Somehow reading it here as it's coming from another person's heart makes it more real than having my therapist or family tell me, because they just can't really know. But my heart is absolutely coming out of my chest because something pretty big just hit me. I don't know why I didn't realize it before and I have no idea where this is going to take me, today, but you're a man.

Unless you are a lesbian, then you are the first other male CSA survivor I've ever known. (If you are a chick, then please break it to me slowly.) To even hear that there is another man out there who has the same questions and suffering as I do, helps to tip the scale toward feeling entitled to my own childhood. There's a lot going through my head right now, so I'll just post this before I start to really ramble.

Thank you, a lot.
-Brian

 

[HealingInProcess]

Thank you zencat. I have been thinking a lot lately about a support group. My therapist actually suggested a retreat, and was going to find info for me, but that was a few months ago. I will look and see if there are any links to that sort of thing here in this group.

You are right about the shame. I think it comes from the decisions I was made to believe I had...if that makes any sense. In my head, I know there were no real choices in any of it, certainly no consent. But it seems like my heart will always feel like I allowed it, at least, and should have done something - who knows what. It just leaves me with enough wiggle room to always have the weight of it come right back on my shoulders. Its nice to type that and have a bit of actual hope that someone else understands it.

It also felt oddly validating to hear you say I'm not alone. I feel like I know that "on paper", but its hard not to feel isolated these days. Anyway, thanks again.

Yeah the shame and

Somehow reading it here as it's coming from another person's heart makes it more real than having my therapist or family tell me, because they just can't really know. But my heart is absolutely coming out of my chest because something pretty big just hit me. I don't know why I didn't realize it before and I have no idea where this is going to take me, today, but you're a man.

Unless you are a lesbian, then you are the first other male CSA survivor I've ever known. (If you are a chick, then please break it to me slowly.) To even hear that there is another man out there who has the same questions and suffering as I do, helps to tip the scale toward feeling entitled to my own childhood. There's a lot going through my head right now, so I'll just post this before I start to really ramble.

Thank you, a lot.
-Brian

Other male CSA survivor here. Not alone brother.

 

[b.matt]

I have so many questions to ask both of you...
I don't know where to start. I think I need time to process some of this information from the last two days on here. I have definitely changed somehow, just the sheer sense of belonging here will do that. But its more, I'm learning things. Quietly making the connections, as I'm sure we all do in our quest to understand this thing.

Unfortunately, my mood has been in the toilet the whole time, outside of here. Reading these replies has touched many tender places inside, and I know my subconscious is already busy repairing the holes in the armor. I really hope some of the feelings will last. Bah, I'm rambling again.

I can't explain how it feels to be here.
Thank you.
-Brian

 

[Mach123]

It's an honor. The person who first helped me said that. (The first person who knew about trauma.) A woman who was at our house as part of a " family stabilisation crisis intervention team." She told me I had trauma and I needed to get with people who worked with trauma. Yes I am male and I understand how hard it is. There are people who can help, I wish it was easier to get with them. That's part of the process I guess, finding the right people to help you? It's going to be hard, but you will be ok. You are writing it out because it's your time. Try to be easy on yourself.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Glad that both of you are here. I think Mach is ahead of me in this process. Because of my particular trauma experiences I don't have a T at this time and do not anticipate having one, which makes things harder. There are many male CSA survivors but it's just hard to be open about theae experuences. There are also other men on this forum but I will leave it to them to introduce themselves if they would like.

One of my issues is that I was abused by both men and women (my parents). A lot of stuff to process about that. I also automatically do certain fawning and submissiveness around older men and that bothers me tremendously so I relate to your issues with older men. It's like my conscious mind is hijacked by a five year old boy. You're definitely not alone and my guess is there are those amongst the people you know or knew who are survivors as well.

I don't know how but somehow we'll get through this. It really is one day at a time.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Also one thing I can share is that I've come to realize how important it is to fully acknowledge how wrong the things that were done to us were. I want to minimize it and fast forward to moving past it but I realize I must say (maybe even out loud) how terrible the things that happened to me were. This is what I'm working on now.

 

[ChildofGod]

Hi Brian. I am really happy that you feel safe here and that you like it. Healing can be uncomfortable and scary. I'm really glad that you can express exactly how you are feeling. I no longer try to hide my feelings with other things. For me and possibly for others, it's not about suppressing bad feelings and hiding them/covering up, ect...It was until recently, but I want to heal and also deal with my anger in a positive way. I am rooting for you, always.

 

[b.matt]

This is pretty overwhelming right now. There are hundreds of things I want to ask and say, so why is it this hard to know what to actually type?

First I want to say thank you so much to the 3 of you for taking your time for me, it means a lot. Then second, that as the day went by today and what I'd been reading in here was settling in...I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have also had to feel these things, at some point in your own lives. It has been a bittersweet day.

@Mach123 you give me some hope...well you all do, and that's priceless enough, but I believe you are right about the right person being out there. I need to start looking.

@HealingInProcess I carried 2 things you said around with me today. 1, the fawning. You are right, lots of shame there. And 2, about the coming to terms with it being wrong. Lots of tears there. I don't even feel like I was in the same room with either of them, so its going to be a long road. It was a brother and sister, so I am interested about the male/female dynamic you talked about.

@Zencat thank you for rooting. I read your introduction, and I just wanted to say how brave I think you are. I'm rooting for you too.

 

[HealingInProcess]

This is pretty overwhelming right now. There are hundreds of things I want to ask and say, so why is it this hard to know what to actually type?

First I want to say thank you so much to the 3 of you for taking your time for me, it means a lot. Then second, that as the day went by today and what I'd been reading in here was settling in...I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have also had to feel these things, at some point in your own lives. It has been a bittersweet day.

@Mach123 you give me some hope...well you all do, and that's priceless enough, but I believe you are right about the right person being out there. I need to start looking.

@HealingInProcess I carried 2 things you said around with me today. 1, the fawning. You are right, lots of shame there. And 2, about the coming to terms with it being wrong. Lots of tears there. I don't even feel like I was in the same room with either of them, so its going to be a long road. It was a brother and sister, so I am interested about the male/female dynamic you talked about.

@Zencat thank you for rooting. I read your introduction, and I just wanted to say how brave I think you are. I'm rooting for you too.

Thank you for your kind words and graciousness. I'm heartened by the fact that you can feel your emotions. I have trouble doing that or if I do I just feel emotions (like melancholy right now) but they aren't connected to a specific memory. Feel it out man, feel it out.

 

[Freida]

The worst memories though, are from my time in the Army and stem from several combat situations, and from being seduced/drugged by my 45 yo superior when I was 18. These things happened really close together in time, and the feelings that I had at that time were impossible to live with, but I couldn't kill myself either. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to endure. I used to just lay in bed or on the bus or train and cover my head and shake. Physically trying to make the thoughts go away.

I'm assuming you are in the states? if so you can go to any VA or Vet Center and they offer treatment for this. Even if you had ptsd before you joined they will still treat you. Call the Vet crisis line to get set up... you don't have to be "in crisis" ...they are just good at connecting you with the right help. Way easier than trying to navigate the CF that is the VA on your own.

Don't worry or be embarrassed about being a guy with ptsd from MST -- there are many men coming forward for help these days. It's becoming more "acceptable" because while women get most of the spotlight the numbers for men are even more staggering. My thoughts on it are these asshats are the ones who broke me -- they can pay for fixing me :laugh: