Sufferer Experiencing Confusion - PTSD/CPTSD Anxiety - Domestic Violence

[AnnieMae]

My whole life changed. I went through a horrible divorce. I was strung alone no and played. I made a bad decision to go to the house and my ex tackled me in the driveway. I fought him off of me. At that moment, I was never the same. I went into the house, he had a girlfriend over. He pulled a gun on me and I called the police. He lied and said he never pulled it out. I was charged with domestic violence and disturbing the peace. I have nightmares about the whole situation. And I struggle every day with depression and mood swings. I’ve been depressed for so long. Diagnosed with ptsd, cptsd, anxiety. I just want a normal life. I am afraid to date because I’m afraid someone will throw it back in my face. Everyone always does. I literally had my life taken away from me. My world was shattered. My relationships have been ruined, my job is going down the drain, and I am just mentally drained all the time. I’ve tried therapy, medications, just everything and I am so afraid to make a move because if I mess up, my life will fall apart again. This is awful. I took all the blame for everything. I never even spoke up for myself, and now I can’t. I literally lost myself in everything and I can’t pick up the pieces. I just wish I could have a normal life again. I would give anything for a normal life.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

Are you in therapy right now? Have you worked with a therapist who treats trauma survivors? I think an important step is going to be finding your voice again.

 

[AnnieMae]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

Are you in therapy right now? Have you worked with a therapist who treats trauma survivors? I think an important step is going to be finding your voice again.

Yes, I am.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and welcom @AnnieMae
I hope you find the support you so deserve on here.
PTSD is a dreadful condition, but it can be managed and life can return to a semblance of normal. However it all takes time. What is your priority - by that I mean what is the first thing you and your trauma therapist are trying to tackle? Is it stabilising your mood or trying to improve your concentration at work - or - what?
I had therapy for 7 years and medication for 8 years from diagnosis. How long since you were diagnosed?

 

[AnnieMae]

I was diagnosed officially 3 years ago. I am trying to stabilize my mood. Work on the anxiety. The thing is, is it feels like too much pressure. I know, it’s weird.

Hi and welcom @AnnieMae
I hope you find the support you so deserve on here.
PTSD is a dreadful condition, but it can be managed and life can return to a semblance of normal. However it all takes time. What is your priority - by that I mean what is the first thing you and your trauma therapist are trying to tackle? Is it stabilising your mood or trying to improve your concentration at work - or - what?
I had therapy for 7 years and medication for 8 years from diagnosis. How long since you were diagnosed?

3 years. I am working on stabilizing my mood. May I ask what helped you with that?

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you taking any meds?

I tried forever to stabilize my mood but couldn’t until I was put on mood stabilizers. Then again I have sensitivity issues and my moods are all due to reactivity (sensitivity issues pre dating trauma).

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums! Have you considered DBT? It's a really solid treatment for emotion regulation.

 

[AnnieMae]

Welcome to the forums! Have you considered DBT? It's a really solid treatment for emotion regulation.

Yes, I have.

I should say I have tried it.

 

[Deanna]

Meds?

 

[AnnieMae]

Meds?

Yes. All sorts of antidepressants, anxiety meds, lamictal, even ketamine. I just can’t believe this all happened. My life has totally changed and I can’t fix it. I had so many hopes and dreams and they all just went down the drain .

 

[Deanna]

My whole life changed. I went through a horrible divorce. I was strung alone no and played. I made a bad decision to go to the house and my ex tackled me in the driveway. I fought him off of me. At that moment, I was never the same. I went into the house, he had a girlfriend over. He pulled a gun on me and I called the police. He lied and said he never pulled it out. I was charged with domestic violence and disturbing the peace. I have nightmares about the whole situation. And I struggle every day with depression and mood swings. I’ve been depressed for so long. Diagnosed with ptsd, cptsd, anxiety. I just want a normal life. I am afraid to date because I’m afraid someone will throw it back in my face. Everyone always does. I literally had my life taken away from me. My world was shattered. My relationships have been ruined, my job is going down the drain, and I am just mentally drained all the time. I’ve tried therapy, medications, just everything and I am so afraid to make a move because if I mess up, my life will fall apart again. This is awful. I took all the blame for everything. I never even spoke up for myself, and now I can’t. I literally lost myself in everything and I can’t pick up the pieces. I just wish I could have a normal life again. I would give anything for a normal life.

I'm sorry but you'll be okay. You weren't expecting someone else to be there and thought your ex was caught in this circle. You lost it once and then gave him what he wanted with no outbursts, it sounds like. Quit worrying what other people think. No one could have possibly lived through this kind of relationship and have it all together. People are only worried about their own relationships anyway. Hang around here for awhile. You're in the right spot

 

[Justmehere]

Have you heard of learned hopelessness? It happens sometimes after trauma. It's where someone gives up on believing they have any power and control over anything in their lives. You might be struggling with that mindset a bit.

I should say I have tried it.

Did you stick it out? DBT annoyed me at first. Lots of recovery skills are hard to do, and don't work well until they are practiced many times. PTSD often gets worse before it gets better. But it can get better.

My life has totally changed and I can’t fix it. I had so many hopes and dreams and they all just went down the drain .

You are right can't fix the trauma or the past. Many people here live every day with the impact of losses related to poor choices made trying to cope with trauma. You may not be able to go back in time and fix the past, but you can move forward towards a life that is better than today. One of the things that I do from time to time is to collect stories of people who have hung on through difficult times and even turned mistakes and disadvantages into successes. Will I ever achieve much myself? Maybe not. But I figure if I keep trying, then I get to see what happens if I don't give up on myself. Even when everyone else does. In the end, that's what matters most: that *you* don't give up on you and your future.