How to make actual friends

[Upside Down Eagle]

Ok, so...

I have a problem.

I have never really had a lot of close friends. Mostly because I have moved around a lot (I counted my moves a while ago, more than fifteen times so far). There are people that would make good close friends, but they all live at a distance and I just don´t see them that often.

I have a LOT of acquaintances nearby. People that I get along with pretty well. I also get out, I go to meet-ups and such, I´m involved in volunteer work and so I keep amassing acquaintances, but real friendships in my life are nevertheless nonexistent.

Last year I actually had two close friends, that I could talk to about personal things. But one of them got into a very intense relationship, never heard of him again. The other one started working full-time and now she´s always busy, I seldom see her.

I tried to get closer to some of my acquaintances but when you´re in your thirties, communicating with others seems impossible. They´re either swamped in work, or have young kids, and some are quite distant so I have no idea if I can approach them.

I really want to move past the whole acquaintance hurdle with people but it´s a mystery to me how I can do that.

Any help?

 

[Friday]

The only shortcut I know is to go through hell with someone.

Everything else requires time. Lots and lots... and lots... of time.

 

[somerandomguy]

Sorry, Rad. If you figure it out, please share because that's something I have no idea how to do.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I can agree that friendships don´t happen overnight.

The friends that I made in the past, it took a little while but they were always engaged, in the sense that they were curious about me and actively wanted to invest themselves in a friendship with me.

The thing is I am not getting any younger and I feel like there´s no point in waiting around for things to "become" something. I feel resentment at my acquaintance-friends who would have me simply be complacent.

I need to move on and build relationships with people that are actually worth it but I have no idea how.

 

[Wendell_R]

Sorry, Rad. If you figure it out, please share because that's something I have no idea how to do.

This!

One thing I'm trying to wrap my head around is that when some of my acquaintances think "friendship", they are thinking "have meals together" "talk about raising our kids" "talk about work or pending retirement" etc. And then I come onto this forum at night and can share what it's like to have a fractured personality that is slowly coming out into the open; I can share when my Littles are crying and in pain and afraid; I can be present and available for someone else's huge struggles. I've realized that I don't want more acquaintances. What I want is the real-life version of the trust I have here.

I'm making progress with Ms. W and my kids in that direction. For others? It's slow.

My therapist suggested that I look into retreats or other events that invite deep sharing.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I've realized that I don't want more acquaintances. What I want is the real-life version of the trust I have here.

Exactly, that´s what I am getting at. I feel like there are people who deserve a type of intimacy and people who don´t. I am not going to share my whole intimate life with an acquaintance who isn´t ready to open up on their part.

Interesting suggestion by your therapist... you would find people there who are interested in opening up, I guess. I am kind of looking for commonplace activities where I might find that kind of people.

Hmm...

 

[Friday]

I wonder, though... how much is simply an issue of you & other people having busy lives because of the time of life you’re in = not enough time to develop friendships beyond aquaintences & how much this >>> Accomplishment. Supporter Unhappy. <<< is interfering.

Because it sounds like you were making a real friend, and have both a) pushed him away & b) view hallmarks of friendship as things to avoid.

Yes. Big difference between codependence & interdependece. Also a lot of crossover.

If you have a history of codependence you’re not simply going to make a bone deep friendship with someone without occasional dodges and plunges into codependent habits/ thoughts/ feelings/ behaviors. Those habits have to be trained away. If you’re expecting to never be disappointed, overly interested, find yourself feeling more dependent than you’d Like... etc.? I very much doubt you’ll ever learn make friends. Because those things happen. Even in super healthy relationships with people who don’t have a codependent bone in their body. Simply because they care. The big difference IME/IMO is rather than making that person your whole world OR cutting them off entirely? One reality checks themselves fairly regularly. Enough so that it becomes automatic / force of habit. It’s also a normal developmental stage, that learning process of how to maintain your own personal integrity (integrity meaning wholeness, in this case, rather than pourous/boundary free or boundary-lite). You see it mostly in teenagers, completely wrapped up in each other, enmeshed, neither individual having learned their own boundaries, yet. That learning process? Is needed/wanted/normal. But whether it happens at 15 or 35? It’s still a process. Not an on/off switch.

That’s the thing about friends, real friends. We care, sometimes too much. We make mistakes, and they do, and they’re allowed for instead of ended over. It’s not perfect, often messy, and rarely makes logical sense. Their influence in our lives? Changes us. For the better, or worse, but that change is unavoidable. There isn’t an ivory tower in friendship, where we remain untouched by them. An acquaintance? Definitely. Easily. Almost by definition. But friends become part of us. Some more, some less, and in a lot of different ways. Every friend I’ve ever had has shaped me differently. Because they’re different. But change? Is a byproduct of love.

 

[Chris-duck]

I think the problem is that in most cases acquaintance stage has to happen before friendship. It's natural to take time before trusting people, I'm not sure this community can be recreated in real life because the anonymity feature wouldn't exist. I get wanting *friends*, but friends don't just happen, they're a bunch of work and effort and both good and bad patches.

Saying that, I have a pretty amazing group of mates who put up with me for reasons yet unknown. Most of them were met through acquaintances or uni/work though. So outside of that, I guess meetup things are where it's at. And don't discount people automatically cos it seems superficial. This takes time. And honestly I think a lot of friendships are built from acquaintances that unexpectedly go further than someone expects to help out, on either side.

Just meet people, decide who has potential and build on that.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Well put Friday, and a good observation on the other thread, you are right to observe that it is interfering.

However in his case, he verbally told me that he does not have a lot of time on his hands, i.e he´s too busy with his normal life to work on becoming close friends. The thing is: he supports me but we are not close friends.

I also wrote there that while I feel codependent on him, I also had friendships that were healthy. I still got disappointed in those friendships but not in the extreme emotional way that was bothering me in my dealings with him.

To me if somebody says that they don´t have time for you, the logical thing is to step away and find healthy relationships somewhere else. But I run into this acquaintance thing everywhere I go.

Maybe I´m scared of people always staying acquaintances and never moving past that, I´m certainly scared of that with him, which is why I would rather distance myself from him and avoid drama.

 

[TruthSeeker]

My few long term friends have all come about and maintained over a common interest: Music- learning a new instrument moved to playing together regularly or taking art classes- multiple ones allowed me to get to know them over time. Newer people in my life I have met through core shamantic journeying( which optional sharing is is personal) and requires a trusting atmosphere- and expected anonymity norms... to set the stage for personal growth and trust building.

So you might do some fun new interactive stuff in groups, talk and share, do something that wows you-where you can share progress, techniques, and conversation and just get to know people who share a common interest.
No luck- go elsewhere and try again.

In my life, more in-depth getting to know folks happened naturally, and a trusting friendship came afterward me offering some help, them reciprocating in the relationship, time doing some other fun things, just hanging, in a different setting. I also didn’t lay my negative past and family issues out till much later - like years, and in very tiny chunks- to test the waters, till solid trust was built. I say good friends happen over time- trust an essential component, but I had to make an effort...feel a strong level of comfort, be positive- and not appear needy ( this can be hard) , and feel the relationships click first....before diving in head first and ending up w bruises ...... my experiences for what it’s worth. I have one friend I’d trust my life with as a result, and the rest- just a few- well we just have fun and are supportive of each other.

I think I only need one person Id trust with my life- in my life- and I’m good with that. I don’t know if taking time makes any sense, but that worked for me, anyway.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Error to post: before diving in head first... getting bruises to-
Instead of diving in head first getting bruises....

 

[Ronin]

To me if somebody says that they don´t have time for you

May I ask if that was phrased directly this way?

As in their time schedule being the reason they cannot have you, nor anyone else, in their life?

Because simply colliding time schedules can be worked with quite a bit, communication methods altered to something that fits in the gaps in those schedules (and where one is at the time), and the like.

So wondering how much is a perceived rejection / inferring from something else, and how much is what people said to you directly.