It's Hard To Be Honest In Sessions

[Jade-]

Thanks anthony. I will just do it instead of thinking/worrying about doing it. (even though just saying that gave me an adrenaline rush)

 

[Iam]

Oh man....this is right where I am at Jade. Actually talking about this outloud, with another person seems impossible to me. I think I have told you Jade that I printed out my timeline (emailed some segments) to my T. I couldn't even bear to have him read it in front of me. I am hoping it breaks the ice and makes it easier to discuss the specifics with him. I completely trust my T and am having trouble. I can't imagine trying to do this with someone you don't trust. You need to be able to trust your T. If you don't you will definitely hold back.

Thanks for your imput Anthony and SuperJen. I KNOW I have to do "talk" about it.....I am really trying to get there, but I am so terrified to talk about it out loud. The fear sucks.

 

[Iam]

Anthony...you say that thinking about it is harder than just doing it. I don't know....Writing out the timeline was so hard and caused me incredible panic.....sending me into dissociative episodes at times. That being said, I have survived each one. The thought of actually saying them out loud to my T is terrifying even though I trust him. How does a person break threw that terror and "just do it", actually start talking about what happened, giving the details? I think I could maybe say the what happened without specific details and say how I felt, i.e. "when I was raped, I felt terrified." Is it imperative that the details be spoken?

 

[anthony]

Weigh it up like this. How many years off torture will it cause you to have the secrets vs. enduring a lot of pain for a short period by unloading it all to your therapist, then a brief fallout period? Its not a bad thing to break down whilst unloading... it is however extremely destructive to continually breakdown and not unload a thing from your brain.

 

[Jade-]

How many years off torture will it cause you to have the secrets vs. enduring a lot of pain for a short period .

I never thought of it that way before. It would definitely be worth the pain for a short period.

Thanks again anthony.

 

[anni]

That post with the 'Thanks' on it is pretty much a treasure. If it's ok to copy anything here, it's something to re-read-or carry around in one's wallet.

I don't mean to frustrate you Jadebear, it's awful to hear people agreeing with something you might view as terrifying. All the 'data' say exposure therapy works. It just freaks me out, mostly but since research has findings for a reason then something's up with me, not the data.I wish I'd read or heard something as clear as that post of Anthony's on the dynamics.If you KNOW there's something past all the terror and dread, and a way to get there, making the leap intentionally could be some easier. Avoiding it ends one up in a world that gets continually smaller. Mine shrinks annually.Once you let your head 'get away with it' by avoiding the discomfort, you just keep doing it. It's not a great way to live, and exhausting.I'm not 'preaching' or pontificating. My world is awfully tiny. I hate to see anyone else going down the same road, that's all.

Maybe a new T would be more helpful if trust of this particular one is gone.When you do finally tell a good T whatever it is you're holding back, you'd be surprised how much they probably knew already anyway. Maybe no specifics, but the good ones are awfully perceptive.

 

[Jade-]

It's easy to forget the big picture when you're caught up in fear. No matter how hard it will be, my goal now is to actually just get rid of my secret. If doing that will help me get unstuck, it will be worth it.

I think I'm going to stick with the T. I have afterall. I don't want to start over with someone new. I do really like this guy, maybe I should just trust his decisions. Maybe I should be glad that he thinks it's not OK to put up with abuse and wants to help/protect me. I don't seem to do a good job of doing that myself.

 

[Iam]

It's good that you can look at the other side of the coin with your therapist Jade. As well as considering that it may be more a choice to trust him. Keep going.....you are doing great!

 

[Iam]

Any emotions of fear, anger and sadness are overwhelming to me Anthony. It can be someone else experiencing and displaying these emotions, not even directed at me, that sends me into a tail spin. Let alone when I allow myself to feel them. I think it's the possibility of "breaking down" again that scares me the most. I am so terrified that I will break down and never come back this time, just fade away into oblivion. Can that happen? I am trying baby steps, a little at a time. Hoping that eventually I can just spill it all out to my T. The results will be worth the pain. We can do this Jade and we will.

 

[Nicolette]

Iam, if you put it into perspective looking from the outside you see this: a person has endured severe trauma and survived. If you can go through what you went through which has made you so sick, how can you suffer any more by actually talking about it? Talking about something, especially a secret, to a trusted source can be very freeing and uplifting. Yeah you might be overwhelmed with emotions for a time but how would that compare to your day to day suffering. Just choose a time when you know you will be ok if you need to take some time out afterward if there is fallout.

I carried a family secret for 22 years and while I hurt someone by divulging it, even though true, the hugest weight was lifted off my shoulders!

 

[Iam]

Thanks Nicolette. I do agree which is why I am doing it (even if it is just a step at a time)....I still am terrified though LOL!

 

[Jade-]

Thinking about doing is actually the problem.

You were right anthony, thinking about doing was the problem. Thanks.

I went in and just did it without thinking. It was like pulling out a festering thorn, it hurt like hell for a bit but felt much better afterwards.