Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Great ideas, thanks!!

 

[littleoc]

So, I didn’t read through this post because it’s just drama, and while I’m bringing it up, let’s avoid discussing drauma :P

Sufferer - Hello...thought maybe I'd tell my story

Basically it’s just a person accusing another person of lying, and seems like the other person did the same. (I don’t know, I’m not going to go look for it.)

This is EXACTLY what I’ve been so afraid Brandi would do the entire time I’ve been on this site. So it’s interesting to see that it came across as immature and weird when someone else did it. And, even better, both members were banned. Because it was a silly argument with no merit. Just straight drauma.

That made me feel a lot better. If Brandi showed up for some reason, I could just ignore it. I wouldn’t have any reason to defend myself, because it’s an anonymous site and it doesn’t matter. People trying to redeem their reputation on this site only make themselves seem either not ready to heal, or they think everyone here needs to validate them (which has caused a number of locked threads and off-topic arguments on this site).

So, interesting. Now I feel more secure about the fear, though.

 

[Freida]

This is EXACTLY what I’ve been so afraid Brandi would do the entire time I’ve been on this site. So it’s interesting to see that it came across as immature and weird when someone else did it.

That made me feel a lot better. If Brandi showed up for some reason, I could just ignore it. I wouldn’t have any reason to defend myself, because it’s an anonymous site and it doesn’t matter. People trying to redeem their reputation on this site only make themselves seem either not ready to heal, or they think everyone here needs to validate them (which has caused a number of locked threads and off-topic arguments on this site).

holy crap!!!! Did you read what you wrote???!!!! This is freaking awesome!!!!!!!
I think a year ago you would have been undone by the idea that she could find you -- even on an anon site - and now you are not only comfortable with the idea of ignoring her but you can see her for who she really is....a sad person who is immature and weird and needs validation and attention.

THIS IS HUGE!!!! HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE!!!!! You just took a major step forward into breaking her hold on you.
I don't even know what trophy or emoji to give you so.... you get them all! ???????????

 

[littleoc]

Wooooooo the watermelon trophy!!!! ? :laugh:

Thanks!! I didn’t realize I’d even done that :P

 

[littleoc]

Hey, maybe those weird-ass dreams of me having to prove in court that I didn’t abuse Brandi will stop soon, then. I’m pretty tired of those, lol.

 

[littleoc]

(1) Never take for granted having the ability to turn around to get something you forgot, while in the same room as the item you meant to grab, and it taking almost no effort and definitely less than a minute.

(2) I tried to challenge myself and it didn’t work out, but at least I tried! I tried to shower without listening to music, a show, or a podcast. Just the sound of running water. Because I love the sound of running water.

It didn’t work out. I totally panicked and assumed the pipe was about to break. Also all the soap and shadow stuff were looking like sunlight (at 2:00AM, lol) and that freaked me out — but I really wish I knew why. I have no idea why I was suddenly afraid of light... usually it’s the opposite.

You know what sucks? Having OCD and needing to shower every night or else you aren’t allowed to touch your own bed, but also being terrified of showers. And also there’s a toilet in the shower room. And I hate it. I hate pipes so much.

Unless theyre sinks. But not the kitchen sink. It’s had dishes piled up in it for about three weeks or so. Probably needs more bleaching.

(3) with one and two combined, let’s just say I’m very uncomfortable. Had to go grab my phone after turning on the water, too. Took a full minute because stuff was in my way. I wish I knew why showers freak me out. I can only locate a few memories... and don’t feel like recounting them, lol

 

[littleoc]

So I know a lot about cats... and was chatting with my friend about his cat who got put down without his permission... and because I know about FIV I ended up realizing that the story was BS in three ways and either his dad just had his cat put down for no reason or else the vet followed a law that is no longer enforced... big oof. He’s kinda mad now :( Poor kitty.

 

[bellbird]

I don't even know what trophy or emoji to give you so.... you get them all! ???????????

Wooooooo the watermelon trophy!!!! ? :laugh:

Don't forget the ? trophy from me!! (I'm very qualified to give that one ?)

Seriously though, was very very proud of you to read you'd written that.
(I haven't done any catching up on pages I've missed, but I bet I'd be proud of you for those, too).
:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[freebird]

Ha! I missed that post with the immediate bans! That's some good stuff! So happy that you can feel better about being able to ignore and deny access to the B-word!

 

[littleoc]

Thank you!!!!! @bellbird and @freebird :D

Today was a hard (and good??) day, so I really appreciate the support!

I spent five hours trying to convince myself that because I am VERY frightened of the shower tonight, it would be okay to go to bed without a shower. But I didn’t want to dirty the clean clothes. I feel everything else is contaminated.

Anyway, I’m very very triggered today. I’m not really sure where to start. The weird dream, I guess, but also my aunts suddenly coming over who are a long story I’d have to explain but without much detail because it’s a long story.

I found yet another cockroach in my mom’s house, this time in the kitchen. Bad sign. One molt away from being a full adult, possibly. Gave her a careful look-over, determined she is not a native Tennessee cockroach. VERY bad sign. VERY VERY bad. So bad I started getting very upset. But didn’t know how to show it, but realized my intrusive thoughts may be catastrophizing — so went into scientist mode, I guess? Not sure what happened... anyway, she turned out to be super sweet for a cockroach. She didn’t run away at all after I snapped into calm science mode. Or whatever. Thought that was very interesting. She kinda just walked into my paper towel funnel and let her antenae touch the air, maybe smelling my breath or something. Not sure! She turned sideways and lifted her head up. Her eyes were tiny beads. I loved them. Nothing like a cricket face at all.

And that’s when I realized (again) that if you identify with something, you can’t kill it. So we kind of just stared at each other, except I doubt she realized my hands were part of anything else. They’re not the least intelligent insect by any means, but they aren’t exactly logical.



....Anyway. I couldn’t figure out if I should battle my OCD Part I or my fear of showers or my OCD Part II... i eventually gave in to habit and decided to shower.

Most. Stressful. Shower. I have ever had. But at least I felt like I could touch my Clean Sleep Only Outfit.

Even though I could barely touch the towels.

And before anyone says it, the cockroach herself was not a trigger. She’s cool. The fact that she’s an invasive species sometimes immune to pesticides who chose this house? Not cool. That combined with the visiting aunts who I refuse to admit trigger the f*ck out of me (mostly indirectly?), the forced relaxing of a boundary in a weird way I didn’t want to disagree with nor discuss, my mom verbally abusing a cat after telling me about my brother-in-law calling my two-year-old nephew a “f*cking sissy” to his face, and more — this was a weird day. Also filled with assuring my sister at the park today that the male ducks forcing themselves on a female one was not rape.

It’s really not, by the way. She was perfectly okay. So were the males. It was not a violent crime. No worries.

Also had a disturbing dream with someone I know in it. He turned out to be my neighbor next door — only he looked like the pedo? Anyway, I haven’t touched another human in several days and I think my brain was just trying to simulate some affection — nothing sexual happened. But being able to lean on someone and close my eyes and give a hug. That hasn’t happened for years.

Not that I’m complaining — I think OCD work will fix this a bit. My OCD has gotten insane all of a sudden.

Also a pretty good day, too. Went to the park! Saw a female duck with a male duck she decided to let follow her everywhere — super cute. Gifted them some berries. Went to yoga.

YOGA IS MUCH EASIER WHEN YOU AREN’T DEPRESSED. My muscles are still weak but now I can follow along pretty well! As long as I don’t agree to large meals beforehand.

I’m glad I’m doing the yoga. It’s nice to have a time to relax with all this chaos going on. I’m genuinely concerned I might have gone crazy without it. It literally took me five hours — from 10pm-3am — to decide if I was going to shower or try to go to bed without a shower.

Mostly because three water jugs were in front of the shower. I don’t understand why that frightened me so much. But it did so badly that I locked Nestle in another room for safety? I don’t understand..

 

[littleoc]

Anyway. Today was a sunny day!! Yay! Kinda chilly but that’s okay. Nestle saw ducks and she loves those guys. When she sees water fowl in particular, she stops acting service-y and becomes a real dog. She’s gotten SO awesome about it though, but having her stare at them is the best she can do. I’m proud of her for that progress. I don’t know what it’s like to be a dog, of course, but in high school I loved doing mini-tests on Nestle. (Nestle’s oooooold if you didn’t know. REALLY needs to retire.) And I discovered that when seeing a stimulus like a rodent or large bird (or goat) her blood pressure would go up from insanely low (for a human) to VERY HIGH in the span of a couple of seconds. Heart rate too. Definitely MADE for that burst of energy for the chase.

She’s a boarder collie mix. Makes sense. Her favorite game is “chase.” She gets bored of fetching before you’ve even thrown the toy. But she’ll run after you all day.

 

[littleoc]

Usually I can imagine breathing away the anxiety when the shower water falls on me. It didn’t work tonight, though. Just kept getting more and more anxious until I felt like I could have been pulling it out of my skin in ropes. Kinda weird that showers are so calming and so terrifying at the same time. It was bad in the past but not THIS bad. Was it too many triggers? Why am I even this afraid of showers? Only a few memories come to mind. Only one seems like a hint and even that one is mild... just my dad breaking down the door to tell me I lied about knowing how to shower. I think I was seven or eight. Some bullies at school bullying my twin brother for not showering enough because he wasn’t allowed to for a bit there. I think. That’s weird.

But an intense fear of human shit and the septic tank is there, too, and one time we lived with a mess up tank because my dad kept using the emergency money his parents were giving him on drugs and stuff... And during that time, we all had to shower together, and FAST, or else we might cause a backup and poop might get into the house again? I seem to have blocked memories about this, because every other memory is perfectly clear. Maybe my dad assaulted my mom in front of me or something generic like that? Doesn’t explain the intense, sort-of-unreasonably-debilitating fear I’m having, nor the terror of the smell my aunt left behind (cigarettes? Bad hygiene?). Unless I just have a useless phobia for some reason.

This is really frustrating. I’m getting massively retraumatized or something (maybe an exaggeration; don’t judge me, it’s 4:10 AM :P) and I can’t even figure out enough information about it to address it.