Don’t use my name.

[Still Standing]

(I’m not sure where to post this so if it needs to be placed elsewhere feel free to relocate.)

Has anyone reacted strongly against their therapist addressing you by your name? The few times mine has used my name, my whole insides rattle like an earthquake. It jars me to my core. My head yells “danger!”. To hear him use my name is threatening. The name he uses is the informal name I go by and it is the one my friends and family use.

I finally told my doc that he cannot use my name... he can only use the generic “you” when addressing me. It feels much safer and I don’t react as if I am being threatened. This is sooooo weird as I have no problem if others call me by my nickname. I do react, less severely, if addressed by my formal name, but if that is done I understand that the individual is unfamiliar with me and I can ignore its use, since I don’t go by that name.

We talked about this and all I could figure out was that the psych doc cannot be my friend and he using my name was crossing a boundary for me. I am very confused over this. Has anyone else had this reaction in therapy?

 

[Teamwork]

I have this reaction in daily life, a lot. I don’t think my t calls me anything.

 

[Emotional girl]

I think this type of reaction is quite common.
I have a few different mental health professionals and they all use my nickname as my full name is a kind of trigger.

 

[Freida]

hmmmm... y'know, now that you mention it my Ts only use my name in third person...
"freida would react like this...." type thing. Now I'm gonna have to ask!

 

[Chris-duck]

I *hate* people using my full first name. Like I go by it so rarely that I get confused when people ask my name cos the answer I give depends on *why* they're asking. Like "my name is blahblah but people call me Chrissy".

But even people using Chrissy in conversation bugs me sometimes, cos names are used to get someones attention or to add emphasis to what they're about to say. So I dunno if my name makes in uncomfortable for me, or the fact someone is trying to get me to *really* listen is uncomfortable for me. But yah, I don't like it.

 

[ladee]

I've had numerous T's thru the years, and can only remember one of them using my nickname. It freaked me out. So I asked what her nickname was. She was caught off guard and sort of stumbled around verbally for a few seconds. All I said was, 'See, see how that feels'. She apologized.

I understand. It felt like she had crossed a boundary. But really, I don't like any of them to use my real name either. I feel 'reprimanded' when they do.

 

[Friday]

We talked about this and all I could figure out was that the psych doc cannot be my friend and he using my name was crossing a boundary for me. I am very confused over this. Has anyone else had this reaction in therapy?

Not in therapy... but after a few years in the military I got very snarly about people using my first name, as if they rated that, when they weren’t friends. Last names were for public consumption, first names were only for friends and only in nonprofessional settings. To use my old screename FridayJones for a moment... If we’re at work? I’m not Friday, I’m Jones, unless we’re being formal in which case I’m <insert rank here> Jones, or just my rank if you don’t know my name, don’t care, are pissed off, flirting, or in a rush. Friday? Means it’s personal, and means I’m off duty and like you. Rank. Last name. First name. That’s the order.

I usually adapt fairly quickly to different cultures, but there are a few things which just stick, regardless of where I am. The degree of connection, & purpose of this encounter, being defined by what name & honorific is used? Is one of them. But that makes sense, both as a human thing (most cultures delineate to greater or lesser degrees, the romans were probably the worst/most formal about it... there were 7 declensions depending on who was speaking to whom, their degree of relationship, relative ranks, when & where... but it’s long been theorized the entire Roman culture was founded from a shipwrecked Spartan legion. And warrior classes are always the most structured. Point being, anthropologocally speaking, as a species we tend strongly towards assigning different names and honorifics different values), and because I was raised in both military culture and in very formal locales. So the foundations were there, and once built upon? Too solid to budge.

The US, especially the west coast, is extremely casual/informal. I’ve heard it described as “A generation of cocktail waitresses. Hi! I’m Amber! I’ll be your server, today!” and I don’t really disagree. On the Easy Coast at least children are still expected to refer to people as Miss Amber, or Miss/Ms./Mrs. O’Ryan, ma’am & sir. But the west is a free for all, and most of the country can’t agree on what “good manners” looks like. Maybe if I lived in a small town & stayed put I’d have taken it on myself to smack people on the nose until they followed my definition of good manners -with me, at least, if no one else- but attempting to do so in a city, much less dozens of cities that I lived or worked in or travelled through is just setting myself up to spend my life pissed off. Pass.

So rather than want to bite every random person, civilian coworker, receptionist, doctor, teacher, telemarketer, irritating neighbor, etc. who had the GALL to use my first name? :shifty: I legally switched my name around. Stuck my first name in the middle, and my middle name first. That way only the people I was close to, who had the right to, called me by my “first” name. :D Voila.

But yeah... it really IS a human thing. The current cultural norm in this small corner of the globe is a weird abberation.

 

[TruthSeeker]

(I’m not sure where to post this so if it needs to be placed elsewhere feel free to relocate.)

Has anyone reacted strongly against their therapist addressing you by your name? The few times mine has used my name, my whole insides rattle like an earthquake. It jars me to my core. My head yells “danger!”. To hear him use my name is threatening. The name he uses is the informal name I go by and it is the one my friends and family use.

I finally told my doc that he cannot use my name... he can only use the generic “you” when addressing me. It feels much safer and I don’t react as if I am being threatened. This is sooooo weird as I have no problem if others call me by my nickname. I do react, less severely, if addressed by my formal name, but if that is done I understand that the individual is unfamiliar with me and I can ignore its use, since I don’t go by that name.

We talked about this and all I could figure out was that the psych doc cannot be my friend and he using my name was crossing a boundary for me. I am very confused over this. Has anyone else had this reaction in therapy?

Nope not a name but boots. Went off on T w boots- she didn’t wear them again for a while then she wore a different style- but I didn’t like them either-she assured me they were rain boots-nothing she wore after compared to the prior boots that triggered me and she got yelled at in a panic attack. Then I composed myself. Hehm.

I call my T by her first or last name. I made up a nickname for her. Pronouns fill in the rest when we talk.

 

[mamachick]

Sorry Im not so sure I understand. Therapy is usually casual and T has always used my first name with no ill effects.

 

[blackemerald1]

I had trouble pronouncing my T's first name for soo long. We discussed the origins of her name and I had to practice it in her presence for me to get it right. She rarely uses my name bc it's just not necessary and also I think she knows I HATE it. lol

 

[Ronin]

I have so many issues with names & the order of them I don't even start.

I've went on two or three sets of names for like, ages, so people I trust rate knowing, the rest are a formality at best.
In therapy and such settings, I found it mattering who they are, as a person, and in medical settings other than therapy, I'm quite likely to snarl even for last names.

 

[Still Standing]

I have this reaction in daily life, a lot. I don’t think my t calls me anything.

But, if your therapist were to casually insert your name, while in conversation with you, how would your react? Would you be comfortable with it?

they all use my nickname as my full name is a kind of trigger.

This I understand, because my internal warning system goes off the moment someone calls me by my formal first name and if they add in my middle name, I just know the world around me is about to implode! I am instantly on guard when hearing my first name used.

hmmmm... y'know, now that you mention it my Ts only use my name in third person..."freida would react like this...." type thing. Now I'm gonna have to ask!

Yeah, that is an interesting guestion, @Freida. Does she do it to put a bit of space between you in the here-and-now and the person of the-then-and-there? Is it meant to buffer or boundary of sort?

cos names are used to get someones attention or to add emphasis to what they're about to say. So I dunno if my name makes in uncomfortable for me,

I hadn't thought of the attention aspect of using a name. It certainly does get my attention when he addresses me, though...but it jars me so deeply that I cannot remember what it was that was being addressed, otherwise, in counseling.

It freaked me out. So I asked what her nickname was. She was caught off guard and sort of stumbled around verbally for a few seconds. All I said was, 'See, see how that feels'.

Only you can make me chuckle so easily even when you are being serious and sharing your experiences, @ladee! If only I knew my therapist's nickname! I have addressed him as "Sir" a few times and he finally told me he had difficulty with me doing so, because he had recently gotten out of the service and wished to be addressed as a civilian. Hmmmm?...next time he uses my nickname dare I respond to him addressing him as Sir" again? He! He! Can you see me rubbing my hands together and chuckling wickedly? ? ?

I legally switched my name around. Stuck my first name in the middle, and my middle name first. That way only the people I was close to, who had the right to, called me by my “first” name. :D Voila.

This was brilliant! Great logic, for sure! And the rest of your post was amazing! You are absolutely correct on your take of culture and the differences of the West Coast of the States compared to the East Coast. I was raised, even though on the West Coast, to respect and call others more formally, but through the years have regressed into true West Coast fashion. First names serve me well, but not in the case of the therapist using mine! I keep mulling over my aversion of the threat of him using my name and I think it is fear of him becoming too familiar, too close to me. I just have a picture in my head of holding out my arms, keeping him at arm's length. But, if he used my formal first name, I would think I was in trouble!

Nope not a name but boots.

Your aversion is a post for another time, @Wilbur !!! ?

T has always used my first name with no ill effects.

That is nice to hear.

She rarely uses my name bc it's just not necessary and also I think she knows I HATE it.

But, if she did use your name, how do you think you would react or feel? Would her using it be so upsetting that it interfered with your session? Just curious.

I've went on two or three sets of names for like, ages, so people I trust rate knowing, the rest are a formality at best.

I would never have considered changing my name. You and @Friday are amazing. Such an easy solution!

Thanks, all for sharing. This name thing has my goat! I think it is something that needs to be talked out. Perhaps, it is influenced by my mom. She constantly changed her first name and last names and we were always adjusting to what to call her. The only thing that kept constant was using the terms, "Mommy" and "Mom" through the years. Introducing her to people was confusing, at best, so calling her "Mom" covered the uncertainty as to who she was that day. So, I have grown up not using or addressing people by their names until I know them on more than a casual level. I can easily address people by names, in writing, like here and such, but not in real life. Weird huh?