Dealing with abusers and their enablers tends to spook me as well. It would be very hard for me to live next door to my mother who ignored abuse as well. The desire to run or commit a crime to get away from her shows you are in a super triggered fight or flight state. Feelings are important but they are not always accurate barometers of fact.
My suggestion is to ground as much as you can right now. The more grounded you can be, and the less in a fight or flight state, the safer you can keep yourself. You could try things like seeking safe strong sensations to bring yourself into the here and now like holding ice, chewing mint gum, smelling a strong scent. It may sound silly but these things can help lower a flight or flight response. It will help your brain think of the best next steps to be safe.
Right now it may feel like your mother is very powerful, and as kids, we are supposed to see our parents and caregivers as powerful and very capable.
But in the here and now, she actually seems quite incapable. She acts like she can't even arrange her own care on her own. She actually asked you to help arrange her care. She’s a super self absorbed person right? Well, it’s in her best interest to not continue to piss off the person she asked to arrange her healthcare, and her way to get her needs met above all others needs, seems to be to ignore the whole matter in the first place... as she has done since you were a child.
She has a vested interest in ignoring it because otherwise she looks like a horrible parent.
My mother had asked me to sort out some practical care for her. I found a well respected agency, but she rejected it as too costly. I was cross and said I thought she was making a mistake. She went on at length about why won't I just be nice to her. Eventually I cracked and told her why. (because she didn't bother to notice I was abused).
She said "How could I possibly know.You never gave me anything"
But I kept saying "You are only talking about yourself".
All she really cares about is staying in her comfort zone. About herself.
When it was suggested she would continue to ignore the matter outright you explained that’s her normal way of being.
That would be the dream outcome. Through a night of little sleep I have been comforting myself with that idea. It would be quite characteristic of her, so there is some hope.
Sure enough...
When we got back my husband bravely went and asked a direct question, and she seems determined to blank the whole thing out.
She is probably one of the last people who ever wants to admit she failed as a parent to keep her children safe and that she is the mother of a child abuser. That will not be to her selfish benefit.
I suppose it confirms that she is predictable, and as I initially said it was utterly stupid to tell her. I think now the only risk is that she has a huge weapon to use against me if she is ever up against the wall.
It’s not actually the weapon you fear it to be.
If she somehow breaks her pattern that she has had your entire life, which is highly unlikely, what could she actually do? Brag that she didn’t protect her child from sexual abuse and that she is the mother of a child molester? Uh... I mean... yeah, I guess she could be nutty enough to do that. That wouldn’t serve her selfish needs at all. Instead, ignoring that it even ever happened and enabling the family secrets and denial to go back to being ignored is likely to be something she seeks.
Let’s say that she does tell others. I know that does feel very dangerous, and it would worry me too, but is there an actual danger to safety? Or is it rather that people might feel uncomfortable and feel really bad for you. That can be very hard to face. But no lives are in danger because people know of something that happened in the past. In fact, it helps others be safe to know.
You learned that you must protect everyone from danger and discomfort as a child to as safe as you can be. You have become very good at pleasing people at great cost to yourself. It probably helped you survive as a child.
You don't have to please everyone anymore to be safe now. Now, as an adult, you will be safer by letting others manage themselves and you working on keeping you safe by becoming as grounded as possible.
You don’t have to take extreme action
or else provide the party. You can do nothing about all of the family and take some time to focus on yourself. Your mother and brother are adults. They can go out to dinner or do whatever they want to celebrate her selfish self without you doing anything at all for them. You don’t have to please them to be safe anymore.
