That Dark Place

[Jade-]

Well now I feel bad/guilty for starting this thread in the first place. Sorry. I was just trying to get my thoughts out.

 

[disconnect]

Don't feel guilty. I relate to 'that dark place' feeling too - you can feel yourself slipping back there and the tinyest thing can push you further and further back there each time. You shouldn't ever apologise for how you're feeling. You are not a 'big nothing'. I've read your posts here and you're a very supportive and intelligent person. Always make time to be gentle and kind to yourself.

 

[James B.]

Jadebear - dissconnect is right. Now way to get support for how you're feeling unless you share it.

Please don't take the feedback in the wrong way. No one is getting down on you. Anthony is being direct and reaching out to you and telling you that, based on what you're sharing - you need to pull out your nose dive.

Exposing oursleves and therefore feeling vulnerable seems like an inevitable part of this. Look, I shared on a thread the words "please help me" more like a spiritual call out, exposing the fact that this struggle is hard, its deep and its real.

And sometimes the little boy that was me, and got hurt jvery badly ust needs to say "please help me". It opened up a huge channel of loss, I *finally* touched my emotions as a kid by baring my inner most stuff! Worth it? Way worth it.

I wouldn't be here if I wasn't suffering and really hurting deep inside.

What Anthony wrote is true, Jadebear. And I'm going to add to it and say you gotta stop putting yourself down. Try, just for five minutes, thinking and writing some positive self-affirming stuff about yourself. Reach out to yourself. Show yourself affection by writing five minutes worth of good solid postitve things.

It can be anything, Jadebear.

You've bared some deep stuff here, and, you're getting real feedback. It doesn't get any better than that.

 

[Jade-]

You think I like putting myself down James? You think I want to do it? Because I don't like it or want to. And I can write positive things or just not say negative things anymore, but that doesn't stop me from thinking them.

But I'm really trying. Usually if I go shopping, get a new hairstyle or something I can get myself to feel better, but this time it's not working. Superficial things don't cut it anymore I gues.

I haven't taken any feedback the wrong way. I actually like anthony's bluntness. I'd rather someone tell me I need to slap myself than to get sympathy or pity.

I just feel bad/guilty for starting this thread because I don't normally let anyone know my true feelings.

 

[Jade-]

I was feeling pretty good this morning. But then I got this overwhelming wave of despair again. I think I know what's going on now and understand why.

I will be fine. I'll get through this and get my shit together.

 

[Iam]

I understand Jade. It is so hard to tell people the truth of how we feel. It seems safer writing it here. And then comes the feedback.....which, because of what has happened to us, is so hard not to take as criticism. Anthony is definitely blunt if nothing else ;o) and I do smile because he has directed it at me a couple of times in regards to my not wanting to accept this stupid diagnosis and it shook me right out of my denial.

Truth is we care Jade. And we are all here to try to be free of the chains of PTSD that bind us. Only someone like Anthony, or anyone of us here, can really understand and say what he said with in the truth of that understanding.

I know how superficial some of the things are that help pull me up, but at some level just getting out there does help. As James said, you are intelligent and very giving. Supportive of those around you. It is OK to do something just for you Jade. "Only you can take care of you and you deserve it." My T tells me this every week. His name is Dale so I have fondly taken to calling it a Dale-ism. LOL
Most times believe it or not....It pisses me off when he says it, but it is truth ;o)

I am praying that you have a good day today.

 

[Jade-]

Thanks to intothelight's thread , I'm going to talk to my T. tomorrow about how I have been feeling instead of pretending I'm fine.

 

[James B.]

Everyone wants a normal life.

We all want to do life well, and do all the things everybody else does. I tried, a long time, I wouldn't give up, it almost killed me. Then I realized that stress management *was* my survival. I stopped being in denial, and accepted I had a disability.

Now, no more suicidal ideation. Very little depressive stuff. Grief? Yes. Crying? Heck yes, I'm processing world class loss here. Crying, for me, one of the single healthiest things I do. And remember Jadebear - "boys don't cry". :-)

New topic - same as the old topic: I didn't mean you shouldn't express the dark stuff, I meant perhaps balancing it out. Am not going into the historical/metaphysical stuff right now, am just going to state my sincere belief:

Words Have Power. (please trust me on this one ok?)

One more thing on suicide: I was once suffering so bad, and wanted to die so much, and was under such unreal stress with a gazillion terrible frustrations in my life, including the fact nobody loved me or even close - my suicidal thing went underground.

I tried to do it in a way it would look like a bicycling accident, riding (no hands) way fast down this steep hill *at night* and *right through* a stop sign. Finally, I had a close call, and that sorta snapped me out of it *but* it was still years later when I realized what I was actually trying to do.

Deep internalized suffering and stress is very serious. Ok?

 

[disconnect]

I think it's courageous that you're going to talk to your T about how you really feel. It's so incredibly difficult to do, but we're here to support you through this.
D/x

 

[Jade-]

Thanks disconnect. Yes, it is hard. But I just can't seem to shake this feeling, so I need to.

 

[Jade-]

Deep internalized suffering and stress is very serious. Ok?

I know. I am really going to talk to my T. tomorrow james. Thanks for your concern, but don't worry, I'm ok.

 

[James B.]

Sounds good.

I wrote that about words having power partly because of my problem with negative/toxic thinking that would (and still can)
turn into ruminating out loud.

When it happens now, honest it seems like my anxiety and stress go up, sometimes ruining my day. Its better now but my point is,
I'm not thinking in terms of images or anything abstract, I thinking in terms of words.

So, if thinking words can harm me, what can writing down (documenting) positive words do? Am starting to force myself to do this, and hope it becomes a daily thing.

I know this part of the forum exists for people to share the dark scary stuff, very important, just mentioning it FYI.

Take care and good luck,
James B.