General Grateful for this forum. Stuff makes more sense. Also, a question.

[LovingH]

I am SO grateful I found this forum.

My exbf's behaviors make so much more sense now..I wish I had found it earlier.

I, too, am suffering from PTSD..but not in the same way or magnitude that a lot of sufferers do. I've had an anxiety disorder, which was for the most part under control through cognitive behavioral therapy. And I have serious abandonment issues. I don't isolate when I'm in a relationship, but my ex definitely does..which triggers my abandonment issues. He also gets cold and distant. I'm more of the clingy type.

The last month we triggered each other like crazy..got in some awful trauma loop. I am staying away from him til I can get myself into therapy (haven't been in years), and start working on my own stuff.

I do hope that once I have a good foothold on therapy, though, that I can propose working with a counselor, with HIM..whether it be HIS therapist, mine, or a separate couples counselor who specializes in trauma.

And this isn't to pressure him to get back with me..but I just feel terrible that we have animosity between us, and I'd like to work it out. So that if we're going our separate ways, we can at least do so in love and peace. Esp since we have some mutual friends, and we are both in the same career field, and travel in a lot of the same circles.

I would love some advice for when that time comes..what is the best way to approach him? Call him? Text him? Send him a brief email?

thx

 

[Sweetpea76]

It depends... do you have contact at all?

 

[LovingH]

Not now, no.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is that by his choice? Or yours?

 

[LovingH]

It's complicated. I explain it in the "relationships" section.

I should point out i suffer from PTSD myself. So i am not just a supporter.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I should point out i suffer from PTSD myself. So i am not just a supporter.

“Just a supporter” is more complicated than you think.

From reading your other post, it sounds like he has trust issues. He has told you he cannot be in a relationship with you. You seem to keep circling back around on his issues with the former girlfriend... but I don’t see you owing your part. You broke up with him and that is a big violation of trust. Own that you violated his trust.

He may not be able to trust you again. He may not be healthy enough for a relationship. You can’t talk him into counseling or trusting you again. You have to earn it.

Right now you’re not earning it because you aren’t listening to what he is telling you... or taking any of it seriously. That’s not going to build trust.

 

[LovingH]

I in no way shape or form meant to discount what it means to be a supporter. I guess I phrased that wrong. I've just been through a lot, on my own, unrelated to my relationship w someone who has PTSD, which has its own challenges. I've been abandoned due to an illness. I've been with an emotionally/verbally abusive narcissist. I'm also a cancer survivor.

I did own my part. I know breaking up with him was wrong, impulsive, hurtful, destroyed his trust, etc. But I was acting out of my OWN PTSD, anxiety disorder, etc. I'm not saying that excuses it. But why does he get a pass on being triggered, and I don't?

And why did he decide to try to work things out with me afterwards, then shut me down? That's where I'm puzzled. Had he told me to buzz off when I made overtures after breaking up with him, then I could say, oh sure, he doesn't trust me. It's all about what I did. But he didn't.

Also, leading up to the breakup, it wasn't just him going incommunicado on me, that triggered my abandonment issues. He was reading my IMs and choosing to ignore them..you know how you can see that on FB? Had he simply said I'm busy, we'll talk tomorrow, which is what he NORMALLY does, none of that would've ever happened. Instead I got completely blown off.

He got very cold, distant and even mocked me about a week before all of that. I'm the one who had to push him to talk about what was really bothering him.

 

[EveHarrington]

I've been abandoned due to an illness.

Can I ask who abandoned you?

 

[EveHarrington]

And why did he decide to try to work things out with me afterwards, then shut me down? That's where I'm puzzled. Had he told me to buzz off when I made overtures after breaking up with him, then I could say, oh sure, he doesn't trust me. It's all about what I did. But he didn't.

He went back/forth.

He probably misses you on one level, but on another, the trust has been broken, hence the wavering.

He’s not a robot. It’s very common for someone to waver when things go bad. You go back hoping for the good again only to have the bad resurface. You then leave because the bad is too much to handle. This is not just a ptsd thing. It’s a human thing.

 

[LovingH]

Can I ask who abandoned you?

My exhusband. While I was in the hospital and nearly died from a drug reaction.

My family flew out to where i was living and brought me back to my home state. I recovered there, and while there he served me with divorce papers.

It took me 6 months to recover enough to go back to my home, retrieve my things and live on my own. Get a new job etc.

I would have committed suicide had it not been for my family.

That's another thing..my ex expressed concern that, like his ex, i might kill myself over him.

I told him if i didnt do it during my divorce, i certainly wasn't gonna do it now. Nobody is worth dying for.

 

[LovingH]

I get "you broke up with me..i do not trust you." I don't get "you broke up w me..you might kill me in my sleep" or "if i break up w you, you might kill yrself." That, to me, is projection.

 

[EveHarrington]

PTSD isn’t necessarily logical.