Having sex for comparison

[flowerapple]

A couple weeks ago some of my friends were talking about sex and more specifically about the first time they had sex and lost their virginities. I felt really left out of the conversation because I had no clue what they were talking about. I never experienced it the way they did. I know my experience was bad, but the way they talked about it I just felt so bad. It's horrible to think, but I was actually jealous of them. It's just that they all expected it, and wanted it, and enjoyed it even if it wasn't the best time, but they still enjoyed it. They knew the person they were doing it with, which I did too, but I don't think it counts still. Even if they were scared, it was a good scared because they nervous and anticipating it. It wasn't scared because they were 12 and lying on the classroom floor while their teacher was on top of them, asking them how much they were enjoying it. They weren't scared that their teacher had actually been planning it for months, slowly preparing them for that day by doing other things, and whispering in their ear how much fun he was having and that he was sorry that he didn't prepare them enough because they were crying because it hurt so much, but that he still couldn't stop the world didn't revolve around them so they should grow up. They weren't scared that this still wasn't the first person to do something like this, he was just the first to stick it in, but other people have done similar things.

For them, sex isn't something that makes them feel sick when they think about it. All their experiences were good ones. While all mine were horrible, ever since I was 4. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want that to happen to them, because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, I mean I wouldn't even wish it on the people who did it to me.

I just wish I had a good experience like they did to talk about too. Or at least so that I could compare to those other times. I mean I don't know if it would help or even make a difference, but I just would want to know what it would be like. I just want to know what it would be like to have sex when you actually wanted to.

I asked one of my friends if he would be down for the two of us to have sex, with no meaning or anything behind other than to just know what it's like, and he agreed.
I was just wondering if anyone else ever did the same thing, and if so, how did it go?

 

[Is-it-just-me]

I have had casual sex before and it didn’t go well. I was very uncomfortable and got drunk first so I could try to relax, but I certainly didn’t enjoy it.

I don’t know if I was ever be able to enjoy being intimate with someone.

 

[flowerapple]

I have had casual sex before and it didn’t go well. I was very uncomfortable and got drunk first so I could try to relax, but I certainly didn’t enjoy it.

I was thinking about getting drunk first to help me relax, but I just don't know how it will react with my medication, so I don't think it would be a good idea.

 

[bellbird]

Foreword: I'm very aware that it's your body, and the choices you make regarding it are yours, too,
but (my thoughts)

I just want to know what it would be like to have sex when you actually wanted to.

If this is the goal..

I was thinking about getting drunk first to help me relax, but I just don't know how it will react with my medication, so I don't think it would be a good idea.

Then I'd be cautious in adding in external factors that could lead you to feeling out of control, and potentially have the opposite emotional/psychological outcome than the one that you are hoping for (+ med/alcohol interactions are good to avoid in general).


I haven't done this, but I do think I understand.

I lost my virginity to the person who ultimately raped me, with some public indecent assaults scattered throughout the period we were in a relationship.

Looking back, while there were previous occasions where we had sex that weren't rape, they were super objectifying and awful. Not how sex is supposed to be, but I had nothing to compare it to, so I didn't know any better.

I still don't have anything to compare it to; I only know sex is supposed to feel different from stories that I've heard from others; I haven't had intercourse with anyone else, since.
And it is so shit not knowing that first hand because your whole experience with sex is tainted with trauma. So I do get you.

I think it was a totally normal reaction for you to have felt jealous during that conversation. I would have, too.


If you do.. just be safe.
And make sure you do it for you; that it is what you want, w who you want & when you want.

 

[flowerapple]

I still don't have anything to compare it to; I only know sex is supposed to feel different from stories that I've heard from others; I haven't had intercourse with anyone else, since.
And it is so shit not knowing that first hand because your whole experience with sex is tainted with trauma. So I do get you.

It's really comforting to hear that I'm not the only one. It makes me feel less alien if that makes sense.

 

[bellbird]

It's really comforting to hear that I'm not the only one. It makes me feel less alien if that makes sense.

It does make sense.
I feel the same way; less alone, after reading your post.
Thank you.

 

[Is-it-just-me]

I was thinking about getting drunk first to help me relax, but I just don't know how it will react with my medication, so I don't think it would be a good idea.

Yeah I don’t recommend it!

 

[Wendell_R]

Even with willing partners, sexuality has always been difficult for me. I dissociated when I lost my virginity and went for many years after that without intercourse. A few years ago, something clicked in my imagination. I realized that I was shutting down a lot of my senses during sex, and carrying a lot of fear. Sexuality is getting better for me (it's funny to think that I'm learning to be sexual at age 55!), but the road to enjoyment was really through acceptance of myself and my desires and my body. I'm still shy about sex, and still carry a lot of fears.

Foreword: I'm very aware that it's your body, and the choices you make regarding it are yours, too,

Yes! With that caveat, here are my thoughts.

How comfortable are you with your own body? Yoga can help with that. So can bubble baths, putting on lotion, fantasizing about touching and being touched.

If you try some sexual play with your friend, maybe you can spend some time just getting used to each other's touch, learning how to ask, learning how to speak up about desires and boundaries, learning how to feel in your body.

 

[Teasel]

@flowerapple I hope that you'll reconsider whether this is the way to go about getting what you want. Which is a totally understandable want btw. My history is similar to yours, and I remember feeling similarly over friends talking about thei experiences so I totally understand you wanting that for yourself.

I've had casual sex in the past too now (am in my 40's) and honestly they werentgood experiences. Maybe especially because of my past.

I could understand if you hoped that by doing this it would help you get over the padtin some way? I think there's a good chance it might not achieve what you want.

Good for you for writing about it here
Best to you :hug:

 

[flowerapple]

Even with willing partners, sexuality has always been difficult for me. I dissociated when I lost my virginity and went for many years after that without intercourse.

For me, I find that I go through phases where I want to self harm, but I can't do it in the typical ways because my parents look out for those marks and bruises because they worry if I might do anything dangerous again. However, all it has done is make me come come up with new ways. I can't drink because of medication, and so what I turned to is sex. I would find random men who scare me, and have sex with them. There I would be willing, along with them, but I know I'm only doing it to hurt myself, and to make me feel worse than I already do. So, that's why I'm thinking that maybe I'm going about it all wrong, and hopefully with someone I know it would be different.

I could understand if you hoped that by doing this it would help you get over the padtin some way? I think there's a good chance it might not achieve what you want.

Yeah, I'm kinda hoping that if I have a good experience then, maybe when flashbacks and stuff like that come up, I could think about that as a way to make me feel better. Like when you think about the mean thing someone said about you, but when you think of all the other good things that were said about you, it puts things in perspective that maybe this bad thing shouldn't have that much power over you to make you feel like sh*t every day.

 

[Wendell_R]

So, that's why I'm thinking that maybe I'm going about it all wrong, and hopefully with someone I know it would be different.

That makes sense, but it also seems that sexuality for you is fraught with a lot of acting out & pain & self-doubt. With someone that you know and who is respectful, that person may treat you well, but what will happen inside your head? Somehow I doubt all will be wonderful (based on my experiences, where I would still get triggered with perfectly nice women and run away in terror or act out in bad ways).

Can you start with writing stories or imagining simple, healthy fantasies? Or try touch and intimacy in your head? What happens when you imagine holding hands, hugs, kisses, looking into someone's eyes? Is that a nice experience, or do you begin to feel the glimmers of a flashback? And what happens when you try the fantasies with someone you imagine as a close & committed partner, versus a casual friend?

 

[Mach123]

Yeah I felt just like that. I had sex but it was f*cked up and weird. And I was like 20 and I couldn't get a date and I knew it was because I was so weird and screwed up and that was a long time ago and I still resent it.