therapist on vacation

[acm]

I have been seeing my therapist for 6+ years now and feel very attached to her as a mother figure. She helps me very much coping with daily stressors, low self-esteem, and depression, but not so much with my long history of chronic physical and emotional abuse from my own mother. The issue is she is not very good at dealing with transference. She tends to change the subject very quickly, appear uncomfortable, or make brief statements such as ("Lots of people feel like this about their therapists") when I bring up that my relationship with her is so important. She then goes on to focus on my feelings about my own healthy, normal family (husband and children), missing the fact that it's hard for me to feel connected to them. She cannot or will not grasp that my relationship to her is my primary attachment. Feelings of abandonment or despair surface in particular when she goes away for a week or two -- all the more so when I sense that it's because things are changing in her life (a child of her own getting married or having children - never clear to me, but I tend to sense when this is the reason for her going away). She just reminded me at the end of today's session she won't be here next week, and I'm so devastated. It's not just the missed time, but the reminder that I am part of "work" and she is going to her personal life that is so much fuller and richer. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? I am somewhat nervous in making this post, since it's my first time on the forum. However, others' posts in the past have given me solace that I am not alone. I am not willing to switch therapists, but I have started seeing a trauma-focused EMDR therapist to work on just this issue. So far, no progress. I would appreciate thoughts and words of support.

 

[Missycat]

Im sorry that this is hard for you and that your therapist doesnt seem to be able to work with you on this subject. I can honestly tell you that you are not alone and that actually this is quite common place. Remember these are people that we open up to, share our most inner secrets etc . Being able to work with trauma / mental health issues often means having to build a strong therapeutic relationship with the therapist so its understandable that feelings can become confused. A therapist should though have the skills and knowledge/ experience to support you with this rather than make flippant comments - that is so annoying. I have a great relationship with my t and we worked quite early on with boundaries and expectations etc . I know she isnt my friend, i know she cares and wants to help and support me but that is in a therapeutic way - she is doing her job - she has her own private life and i have mine. Have you looked at the ‘treatment & therapy’ forums as there a few posts about transference etc which you may find useful.
I wonder if its also worth approaching again with your t when she is back or maybe your emdr t could be someone you speak to.

 

[Justmehere]

Working through transference can be pretty difficult.

Consider exploring ways to take care of yourself like you wish your own mother would have or like you wish your therapist would.

 

[Skywatcher]

I really struggle when my therapist goes on vacation. We had a really bad rupture due to her being in and out of town a lot last fall. We made quite a few changes in between session contact due to this (less contact so that I know that I rely on myself) Most importantly, we do resourcing a week or two before she leaves. I actually still struggle in “no contact” for a week, but it is getting better.

One thing we do is use a 3x5 spiral. The front page is a reminder list of my coping tools. Each session she writes something positive to think about or a note of encouragement. When I’m feeling separation issues, I read through my book of notecards. It is helpful because she wrote it down and it keeps getting longer.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am not willing to switch therapists,

She isn’t going to change.

You aren’t willing to change.

Do you want this dynamic to play out for life? You are just going to get in deeper and deeper. And to what end?

Why aren’t you willing to change? Are the feelings that unbearable? (Hint, they may suck, but they won’t kill you.)

Just because a therapist is dynamite in one area doesn’t mean they aren’t horribly hurting you in another.

You’re now going to need therapy (elsewhere) in order to deal with therapy (with her). This is a horrible place to be, but it’s one of the biggest indicators that you need to find a new therapist.

And if you decide to stay? Just know that things will likely only get worse. (After all, she’s not going to change and you are only going to get more attached.)

This is likely not what you wanted to hear, but I think it’s something you need to hear.

I wish you the best.

 

[Skywatcher]

I just decided to reread your post after reading Eve’s post. I’m going to come at this from a slightly different angle, based on my personal experience. I have an anxious attachment style and abandonment issues. The biggest clue was the dreams and thoughts that I had from early childhood when my therapist kept leaving town. My little parts (structural disassociation model) are extremely attached to my T.

I point blank told my therapist that I didn’t understand the extreme feelings I was having about her and needed her help to understand it. That opened up the dialogue, but it has taken 9 months of an ongoing process of very open communication. I believe she had counter transference as well, and the solutions were painful and I needed to deeply rely on friends and some threads I did in here to get me through it.

I am the one that has had to change the most. I have also had to be very clear on my needs which were usually met with empathy and compassion... not what I wanted ?. However, she does listen and when things were too rigid, she compromised.

My trust is truly growing. I had plenty of “mommy transference” moments, but I have mostly had to remind myself that I am not 3, 6 or 9 years old.

(If you want to stay with your T and progress, you are the one that will have to change and it is sooooo freaking hard.)

To help in the mean time, we did T on voice recorder leading me through meditations, hand written stuff, a few phone calls. All transitional type objects, but necessary for the growth of my younger parts. When I think of T in her own life now, I try to remind myself of the things I know about her that probably wouldn’t fit in my world. As selfish as this sounds, I don’t think that I would want to be an equal supporter to her (like real friends) because I need to see her as strong and unaffected by life’s hardships, someone that I can fully lean on without the risk of her humanness getting in the way. Plus, therapists don’t leave when you go on and on about your problems and issues. In my experience, other people do. If you were in your T’s normal life, she wouldn’t be the way she is for you in therapy.

Just some thoughts, here. Not sure if any of it helps.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am not alone

You are not!

I see my therapist as a father figure. I often daydream about how it would be like to have him raise me as a child or even today. How it would be to have someone there for me and be a healthy part of my life, understand me, and actually WANT to be there. I know the daydreaming is maladative but it helps comfort me. Particularlly at night where I struggle the most. I have had MANY sexual thoughts of him as well and fantisize about him in that way as well.

We have spoken about these things a lot. I am now fully open and honest with my therapist and basically tell him everything. He says that these thoughts, though maladative, are normal. I started therapy very much sexualized. 2 of my past "counslors" said yes to my come ons and had sex with me so my thought going into therapy with my current therapist is "this is what therapists are supposed to do" and was coming onto him the very start of therapy, even before he knew of my past, so he laid down firm boundries in the start. And when talking about these maladaptive daydreams, we go back to these firmly laid boundries. Those are so important even 10 yrs into therapy.

But, what he has told me is that these daydreams aren't bad. They aren't something to try to not do. They are there to help me feel safe. To feel loved. To feel cared for. Even the sexual ones. We have learned that those are the only ways my brain knows how to feel loved and cared for. We have challenge those thoughts (the "sex = love" ones, not the specific ones about him) but he does not tell me to not think these things or to not allow myself to daydream. He says they serve a purpose while we are challenging the more general thoughts and he also does not make me feel ashamed or guilty about them either. I freely allow myself to have these daydreams at home. I never have them while in therapy by the way.

That said, we do always go back to the firmly laid boundries and he re-lays them down often.

I am not sure if any of that helps. I do go unstable if there is a large time gap in therapy sessions (a few weeks as I do weekly sessions) but he needs time off too and I do understand that. And I always try to keep saying that to myself. I know that our sessions is work for him but they have never felt that way. They are very casual so just doesn't feel like "work", you know? So, I never feel like "oh, now he is going to a fuller/richer enviroment". I do often wonder what he's doing and I do think about his grand daughter that he talks about and their time together. I think about his wife and stuff but just wondering, basically.

Can you bring up the abandonment feelings that you feel when she is off for a week? Dig into that a bit?

I appologize if any of this wasn't helpful or if it was answered already. I'm answering without reading any replies.

 

[grit]

I highly recommend you do not change therapist. She has been good but... Just wondering why (or maybe I miss read or you did not mention) your abandonment issues are not raised and worked through in all these years?
I think it is to your advantage to say... You struggle when absent... It is possible this is a replay from early childhood of being weaned out earlier or sibling showing up or mom working etc. Bring it up. You have a long term therapist and yet you are tiptoing to face this issue.

 

[whiteraven]

I am the one that has had to change the most. I have also had to be very clear on my needs which were usually met with empathy and compassion... not what I wanted ?. However, she does listen and when things were too rigid, she compromised.

So much this. I struggle with the same thing with my therapist. And he travels and teaches, so I have had to adjust to him not being around a lot. But when we talked about it and how difficult it was for me to handle last minute announcements about him being gone, he committed to giving me more notice. The absences have been sooo hard and for the longest time I had no interested in making a change, but I HAVE managed to do so. It almost happened to me instead of as a result of anything I did.

But even a temporary (as long as it was) unwillingness does not have to be permanent.

I won't leave my therapist, either. Not because I'm so attached, but because I am not able to trust ANYONE. If I stop seeing him, that's it for me.

 

[acm]

You are not!

I see my therapist as a father figure. I often daydream about how it would be like to have him raise me as a child or even today. How it would be to have someone there for me and be a healthy part of my life, understand me, and actually WANT to be there. I know the daydreaming is maladative but it helps comfort me. Particularlly at night where I struggle the most. I have had MANY sexual thoughts of him as well and fantisize about him in that way as well.

We have spoken about these things a lot. I am now fully open and honest with my therapist and basically tell him everything. He says that these thoughts, though maladative, are normal. I started therapy very much sexualized. 2 of my past "counslors" said yes to my come ons and had sex with me so my thought going into therapy with my current therapist is "this is what therapists are supposed to do" and was coming onto him the very start of therapy, even before he knew of my past, so he laid down firm boundries in the start. And when talking about these maladaptive daydreams, we go back to these firmly laid boundries. Those are so important even 10 yrs into therapy.

But, what he has told me is that these daydreams aren't bad. They aren't something to try to not do. They are there to help me feel safe. To feel loved. To feel cared for. Even the sexual ones. We have learned that those are the only ways my brain knows how to feel loved and cared for. We have challenge those thoughts (the "sex = love" ones, not the specific ones about him) but he does not tell me to not think these things or to not allow myself to daydream. He says they serve a purpose while we are challenging the more general thoughts and he also does not make me feel ashamed or guilty about them either. I freely allow myself to have these daydreams at home. I never have them while in therapy by the way.

That said, we do always go back to the firmly laid boundries and he re-lays them down often.

I am not sure if any of that helps. I do go unstable if there is a large time gap in therapy sessions (a few weeks as I do weekly sessions) but he needs time off too and I do understand that. And I always try to keep saying that to myself. I know that our sessions is work for him but they have never felt that way. They are very casual so just doesn't feel like "work", you know? So, I never feel like "oh, now he is going to a fuller/richer enviroment". I do often wonder what he's doing and I do think about his grand daughter that he talks about and their time together. I think about his wife and stuff but just wondering, basically.

Can you bring up the abandonment feelings that you feel when she is off for a week? Dig into that a bit?

I appologize if any of this wasn't helpful or if it was answered already. I'm answering without reading any replies.

Thank you for this honest, compassionate response. It truly made me feel less isolated and gave me some direction for when she returns!

 

[Skywatcher]

@whiteraven I have said the exact same thing about my therapist being my last. It has taken so long to establish the trust that we do have. It’s part of the reason I stayed on during our rupture and worked through it.