Not going to be in relationship again

[willhealeventually]

I told my soon to be ex that I was sexually abused as a child (among other forms of abuse). My memories were repressed and came back in two very intense chunks. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I had no interest and even a revulsion. Eventually I asked for a divorce but only because I knew he didn’t love me nor understood me.
Now I hear from my child that he is dating. Our divorce is not finalized yet. I feel another wave of sadness. I do know it’s for the best. It just hurts that I was damaged and could not be normal in a relationship.
I can’t even imagine being in relationship again - ever. People say this will change, but I don’t think so. I am in my 50s and I feel whatever has unfolded is irreversible.
With a new wave of memories returning, my therapist says I am in crisis. I am irritable and angry. I try to put a lid on it around my two kids and it works most of the time.
I have a couple of friends. But i try not to lay on them what I’m going through. My sense is people don’t get how dysfunctional one can become with CPTSD.
It feels like I am crawling through time, trying to get from one moment to the next. Barely functioning at work. And trying to avoid interactions.
One thing that has been true for me is that no one wants a broken person. Broken people are to be replaced with happy, normal people without trauma.
Why live when broken? I don’t enjoy anything and just go through the motions. I don’t believe I will ever get better and just wait for some other crisis to hit me out of nowhere. This is not a life.

 

[Friday]

I get into these headspaces Where now=forever.

I’m not okay now, so I’m never going to be okay.
I can’t imagine being in a relationship now, so I can never be in one.
I hate myself now, so I’m always going to hate myself.
I’m useless and broken now, so that’s how I’ll always be.
Et cetera.

I think it’s a crosswired survival mechanism, to be honest. Although severe pain does the almost the exact same thing, I can still think in survival mode, and I can still think when I get like this. Except there is no emergency to be thinking about.

In an emergency? The only thing that’s real, that matters, is right now. The past vanishes. The future vanishes. It’s all about this moment.

It’s incrediably freaking useful... in an emergency. The rest of the world simply falls away, and one does what one has to do.

But normal life? Can’t function like that. We need the knowledge of yesterday and the plans of tomorrow. Because now is NOT forever. But when I kick into this headspace? It sure as hell feels that way.

:shifty: Which is a big part of why all the “live in the moment” BS annoys the ever living hell out of me.

10 years from now? In either direction... is very different from today. I thought differently, acted differently, lived a very different life than I do now 10 years ago, and undoubtedly the same is true in the future. Except I can’t see it. All I can see is now. When it’s really bad I can5 even see this afternoon, and making plans? Might as well be asked what I’m doing Tuesday at 230pm in the year 5 billion. Um. Pretty sure I’ll be dead by then. So I won’t be going shoe shopping with you. (Even if that’s just next Tuesday instead of 5 billion years from now. It feels just as innane.) But when it’s middling bad? I can see the future, and it all looks like this. Exactly like this. Which is my tell, for I’m doing badly, and to ignore it. Because even if I wanted it to look exactly like this? I couldn’t make that happen. So the absolute surety thay it IS going to look exactly as I believe? Means my head isn’t working right. It’s trying. But now ≠ forever. It’s just not. And the more certain I am? The more I have to just ignore myself and carry on.

Now is not forever.
Even when it feels that way.

 

[willhealeventually]

My “now” has been decades long....

 

[Friday]

My “now” has been decades long....

That would be one of those tells I was talking about. When I honestly believe that.

And yet? I’ve been single, married, divorced, and have kids. Just to tip the iceberg. Even if it doesn’t feel true, I can know that the week I gave birth to my kid? Was different than his first day of kindergarten which was different from the 16yo driving today. The week I got married and the week I got divorced? Were different. When what I feel, that it’s always been this way, and will always be this way... conflicts with what I know, that I’ve been in a lot of different places.

Now I’m only speaking for myself, here. Maybe your life hasn’t had any changes to it for decades. But it rather sounds like it has. Sounds like you’re going through a lot of changes, right here and now.

 

[Deanna]

The guy I date is broken and so am I. Both CPTSD.

One thing that has been true for me is that no one wants a broken person. Broken people are to be replaced

 

[EveHarrington]

Eventually I asked for a divorce but only because I knew he didn’t love me nor understood me.

I think it’s good you took this step. While he may not have loved nor understood you, there are others out there who will.

It just hurts that I was damaged and could not be normal in a relationship.

Yeah, it sucks not being normal in a relationship! But you know what? There are people out there who will be able to handle our symptoms and quirks, and to them it won’t even matter that we aren’t normal because there is so much more to love!

I can’t even imagine being in relationship again - ever. People say this will change, but I don’t think so.

I won’t tell you it will change, but it could.

My sense is people don’t get how dysfunctional one can become with CPTSD.

No, they don’t. I think part of it is that we’ve become so good at faking functionality!

One thing that has been true for me is that no one wants a broken person. Broken people are to be replaced with happy, normal people without trauma.
Why live when broken?

There are people out there who won’t care that you’re broken. They’ll see past it so that it’s not an issue to them. These people will be able to see that the light shines through the broken places.

I don’t believe I will ever get better and just wait for some other crisis to hit me out of nowhere. This is not a life.

Healing is definitely possible. Are you in therapy?

:hug:

 

[willhealeventually]

Healing is definitely possible. Are you in therapy?
:hug:

Thank you for your message. I have been in therapy and the PTSD diagnosis is recent - about a year and a half. This is my first post here. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety before and most of my childhood memories were repressed.
However, all my life I was highly functional. Until I started to break down. I still function just enough to barely get by. The decline has been dramatic over the past six years. Even though I take anxiety medication, at this time it’s not helping.
I’ve had symptoms since 10. I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I’ve had 3 failed marriages with 2 children who live with me.
I have never met anyone who understood me and was always put in the position to take care of the family with high-paced corporate jobs.
With my last husband, I told him what was happening - he only cared that I wasn’t satisfying his needs. For a time it felt like I was dying, but he propped up my pillows so I could go back out there and make money.
I feel used. It hurts that he didn’t live me enough to be with me through this - I guess he just couldn’t even though we were married for 14 years. I also feel rage for what happened to me and for being used. I feel like I was used with the abuse too.
Now that I am 50, I’ve gone from trusting and welcoming to isolating myself - except for my kids of course, with whom I have a very strong bond.
In all my years, I have never met a partner who would love and take care of me, only use me. Since I have no parents, I am mostly alone.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have been in therapy and the PTSD diagnosis is recent - about a year and a half.

It can take some time until we start to see improvement. Much of the time things get worse in therapy before they get better. I urge you to keep working at it. I think a lot of the time when we are improving, it’s difficult to see it.

Even though I take anxiety medication, at this time it’s not helping.

Is it possible to talk to your doc about this and see if you need a med change?

I have never met anyone who understood me and was always put in the position to take care of the family with high-paced corporate jobs.

I think it’s hard to find people who truly understand. What I strive for is finding people who accept me, for what I am, and where I am.

With my last husband, I told him what was happening - he only cared that I wasn’t satisfying his needs.

I’m so sorry about this. I think it’s important to have a partner who cares about our needs as well. No, it won’t always be balanced, much of the time it won’t be a 50/50 relationship. What’s important is that your partner understand that because of your disorder that you have unique needs in the relationship, and that he be ok with it.

Now that I am 50, I’ve gone from trusting and welcoming to isolating myself - except for my kids of course, with whom I have a very strong bond.

I think that isolating gets too much vilification sometimes. I think that if you’re focusing on yourself, your healing, and your family, that isolation may be ok, for now. As you heal, I then urge you to start breaking out of your isolation patterns, pushing yourself a little bit beyond your comfort zone each time.

In all my years, I have never met a partner who would love and take care of me, only use me.

I’m so sorry. Are you able to spot relationship red flags? I worry that if you look for someone to take care of you, then you may fall into a codependent pattern. This happened to me before and it took awhile to undo the damage in therapy. Fortunately my current partner does like to take care of me as he’s very giving, but he gives me lots of space and room to be independent.....so this time I can avoid the codependent stuff. Just be wary if someone tries to fix you! It’s a fine line between fixing and caring for, and it’s not an easy thing to spot.

:hug:

 

[Butterfly64]

I told my soon to be ex that I was sexually abused as a child (among other forms of abuse). My memories were repressed and came back in two very intense chunks. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I had no interest and even a revulsion. Eventually I asked for a divorce but only because I knew he didn’t love me nor understood me.
Now I hear from my child that he is dating. Our divorce is not finalized yet. I feel another wave of sadness. I do know it’s for the best. It just hurts that I was damaged and could not be normal in a relationship.
I can’t even imagine being in relationship again - ever. People say this will change, but I don’t think so. I am in my 50s and I feel whatever has unfolded is irreversible.
With a new wave of memories returning, my therapist says I am in crisis. I am irritable and angry. I try to put a lid on it around my two kids and it works most of the time.
I have a couple of friends. But i try not to lay on them what I’m going through. My sense is people don’t get how dysfunctional one can become with CPTSD.
It feels like I am crawling through time, trying to get from one moment to the next. Barely functioning at work. And trying to avoid interactions.
One thing that has been true for me is that no one wants a broken person. Broken people are to be replaced with happy, normal people without trauma.
Why live when broken? I don’t enjoy anything and just go through the motions. I don’t believe I will ever get better and just wait for some other crisis to hit me out of nowhere. This is not a life.

My heart goes out to you?

 

[willhealeventually]

It can take some time until we start to see improvement. Much of the time things get worse in therapy before they get better. I urge you to keep working at it. I think a lot of the time when we are improving, it’s difficult to see it.



Is it possible to talk to your doc about this and see if you need a med change?



I think it’s hard to find people who truly understand. What I strive for is finding people who accept me, for what I am, and where I am.



I’m so sorry about this. I think it’s important to have a partner who cares about our needs as well. No, it won’t always be balanced, much of the time it won’t be a 50/50 relationship. What’s important is that your partner understand that because of your disorder that you have unique needs in the relationship, and that he be ok with it.



I think that isolating gets too much vilification sometimes. I think that if you’re focusing on yourself, your healing, and your family, that isolation may be ok, for now. As you heal, I then urge you to start breaking out of your isolation patterns, pushing yourself a little bit beyond your comfort zone each time.



I’m so sorry. Are you able to spot relationship red flags? I worry that if you look for someone to take care of you, then you may fall into a codependent pattern. This happened to me before and it took awhile to undo the damage in therapy. Fortunately my current partner does like to take care of me as he’s very giving, but he gives me lots of space and room to be independent.....so this time I can avoid the codependent stuff. Just be wary if someone tries to fix you! It’s a fine line between fixing and caring for, and it’s not an easy thing to spot.

:hug:

It was the other way around - I took care of everyone else, including financially.