It would devastate my girls if we left him. My youngest is autistic and is very ridged in her routines. My oldest is transgender and experiencing a whole other level of coping and understanding. Our situation has so many layers I couldn’t begin to count them. I’m just trying to survive and heal myself in order to make sure everyone is healthy and happy.
Hello Shereejo,
I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this.
People can exhibit some narcissistic traits but not necessarily have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). There is a ‘spectrum’ when they do. I would talk to your therapist a bit more about it to gain more awareness of what she thinks you may be dealing with.
If your husband is truly a narcissist then the likelihood of you having a stable, loving, relationship based on trust and respect is extremely low (I am being generous here) to nil. Complete lack of empathy, manipulation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, cheating, devaluation and discard, etc. are all commonplace with narcs.
This is also something that typically occurs early in development and he would have shown other signs beyond cheating over the course of your relationship.
In the beginning they act ‘perfect’. It is usually a very fast and intense experience. You feel like you have one massive connection and you will never feel about another human being how you feel about them. Literally they do everything they can to ensnare you (‘love bombing’) and then slowly their true colours come out - once you have fallen for them.
For me the most obvious one that I noted was gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and to ultimately lose one’s own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. A gaslighter’s statements and accusations are often based on deliberate falsehoods and calculated marginalization. You basically feel like you are going crazy.
People that have been in relationships with narcs can develop PTSD (even if they have not suffered abuse or had other traumatic experiences prior to their relationship). It really is that destructive. Either way I have found this website to be extremely helpful for me.
To be clear, I am not a therapist and am only going from my own experience (and a lot of reading/research/my own therapy), but separating yourself from someone like this is extremely difficult and extremely painful. They are like an addiction (especially if you are an empath or codependent). Their behaviour will turn on a dime. One moment connected and expressing love and, literally, the next treating you abysmally and even discarding you. Often they will disappear for a period of time and then reach out to you again with the ‘love bombing’ (hoovering) to get you back - because they want/need something from you (because it is never about you it is always about them) - until they do a final discard (if you are lucky - but it will feel like one of the most if not the most painful experience you will ever have) and you will never see or hear from them again (unless they move on with someone else right in front if you - which can happen as well and makes it that much more of devastating).
Have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans website...there is a lot of free information on there that goes into much more depth about the traits/signs you would see and the behaviours and actions narcissist can exhibit. It talks indepth about what those in relationships with narcissist experience. Reading it opened my eyes...and I finally understood what I was dealing with (because unless you have experienced it yourself or been in contact with a narcissist before, it really is unbelievable what you can go through). It also, like this website, was a godsend because it helped me not feel so alone.
This may not be the situation you are in. And everyone’s situation is different.
But if he is a narcissist then, as harsh as this may sound, run. You can’t go no contact because of your children, which makes it that much harder, but do what you can. Narcissists do not just abuse their intimate partners. They will negatively impact their children as well. Those with PTSD on this website because of narcissistic parents can attest to this fact.
I wish someone had seen what was going on in my relationship(s) and told me all of this long ago. It isn’t easy to hear, it isn’t easy to comprehend and it isn’t easy to escape from. You need a strong support system and you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
